To wonder if only having enough time left for one child means that we shouldn't have any?

[JessieMcJessie]

Something I'm wrestling with at the moment. I am already 40, very newly married and DH and I haven't really made up our minds yet about children. Last time we discussed it he casually threw in "of course, we'll only ever be able to have one". Even though in my head I only feel about 30, he's probably right. It got us thinking- he has 2 siblings, I have a brother and we both have very close bonds with them. For me in particular my brother has been a huge support during some awful times including the death of both our parents- he walked me down the aisle last month. It's phenomenally important to me that another person felt the same loss and shares the same memories.

But maybe that's just a bonus, and I'd have managed OK if I had never known any different.

Given that DH and I are a bit on the fence about DC full stop, is there any force in the argument that it's maybe not a good thing to deliberately have an only child?

70 with a 30 year old isn't anything to worry about in my opinion.

I don't really intend on becoming a burden to my DC, if I turn decrepit and they have babies I will soldier on I am sure.

I think you need to decide if you want a child or not.

I always thought I would have a lot or none but after my husbands behaviour and a health condition discovered during pregnancy I have one.

There are lots of advantages. I am generally able to do things that interest my son no balance. So much easier to get one in the car. we are closer I think than I would be if he had a sibling.

I can also say as my sister and me have absolutely nothing in common and not a lot to say to each other I feel my son is missing nothing.

Whether you have 1, 2 or 6, it's about the parents rather than the number of children.

I'm an only child, my DD is an only child. Just like in my childhood, we've usually got her friends staying and we tend to take a friend on holiday with us. Best of both worlds, a childhood I loved and DD is now benefitting from.

AlleyCat nice to hear from someone in a similar position. When you say you never saw this day when you were younger, do you mean that you never thought ahead to the day the decision would have to be made? I always imagined I would just feel the urge at some point, but time has caught up with me before it came so logic is all I have..

We had one at 36 (me) and 41 (dh). We are undecided about trying for a second. We see a lot of advantages at stopping with one.

I'm sorry OP I'm not picking on you deliberately, but these kind of arguments really irritate me. I'm an only child and I love it. I wouldn't have wanted siblings and certainly didn't miss out. We have 2dc but that was for us, not them, and I spent my entire second pregnancy worrying that we had ruined our first child's life.

Siblings are not an addition to your happiness. They are either there or they aren't. Sometimes you get on, sometimes you don't.

The thing is, once you have a child they are not just "a child" they are an individual with their own personality. We intend to try to do what's best for all three of us, as individuals, when we consider bringing a fourth person into the family or not.

I was an only till I was 7 and it suited me, I was a confident joiner-in and loved clubs and making friends.

I think the recognition that you could be differently happy without a child is probably healthy

Talc I completely agree with that! I think 'we'll be happy whatever' is always the right attitude to have when ttc, for all sorts of reasons. But you still have to make that decision to ttc - you have to take action, which to me means there's some desire to change the status quo.

Like, most people think if you start job hunting you're unhappy in your current role - that's not necessarily the case. But getting your cv done, making applications, interviewing etc means you are definitely desirous of change. Hope that analogy makes sense, mine don't at the best of times and has been had!

That's exactly how I feel, Jessie. I just didn't think about my fertility until now. Now it's hit me like a train. But I don't have the urge. Never have had it. I don't look at babies & think "I want one". I don't think I'd be sad if I didn't have a child. But I think I would like one! Logic is driving me too, not emotion.
A guy I was dating at age 34 offered to have a baby with me. I laughed. Another man, around the same time, we had loads of risky situations... But I wasn't ready mentally then, even if I was physically in the right place. Sometimes I fear I've missed my chance even though I'm with the right fella now. None of it makes sense...

AlleyCat - I think at 39 you need to accept that doing nothing is also making a choice, it's not a lack of making a decision, it is a choice, and so it's one you should 'own'.

I think if you don't have an urge to have a child then you're not really on the fence. You don't want one. Lots of ppl are very happy with that.
I thought I was one of them. Then I did have the urge. I took my friends baby for a walk in her pram and knew I wanted one too. That was it.
And I spend a lot of time around babies so it wasn't just that I didn't know about them IYSWIM.
But I guess it's even harder if you're trying to make that decision based on logic as you say.

You can have a baby or twins or no baby.
You can have a healthy baby it one with Comecon medical needs.
You can have a stillbirth or a child with birth injury.
You can give birth in the bath unexpectedly or an emergency c section or a horrendous vaginal birth.
You can have a gifted child or a child with special needs or an average child.
You can have happy siblings or a contented only child or warring twins or no contact brothers.
OP, one thing you can't have is any say in the above. If you want a child, go for it sooner rather than later. Don't hang back because of potential what ifs.

You're right Mary. Like Jessie, it's just crept up & slapped me in the face. When we get married next year, we are going to make a decision either way. TTC or "not for us". It is something I need to own.

My issue was that I didn't want "a baby". I have never been broody (not even really while pregnant) But I did decide I wanted a child. My ds is 11 months now and it's been great, and I have sooooooo much more time for little babies now. I'm not sure I want another one but you only have a small baby for about three months, after that they are such amazing little people.... my only advice would be do not let your ideas about babies affect a decision that is only very briefly about a 'baby'.

So very well said Greenthorne.

Can you afford to have more than one child? It shouldn't be the main reason but should be a consideration. I have two DC with a four year gap and this was mainly due to economics - we wanted to stay in a good area, with good schools and wanted things to remain that way but needed an extra bedroom before we had another.

I had four years with just my son and then my DD arrived- I have to say I don't think in anyway that the love I have for them is compromised. I am very close to both of them and they are really fond of each other, they are playmates and DS is very protective of his little sister. Equally, I have a brother who is very busy we don't see each other or speak to each other as much as we'd like but we are still close and my DC have a very special relationship with their DC so yes I do think there is value in siblings.

If you want a child/ren do it. I am an only and my dh is one of 3. Either way, we have one child who will also be an only. I can't really get my head around what the problem is with only having one child. Surely any child is better than no child if you want them.
I wont have any more because of pnd and just a bad time in general, i actually am not sure i could cope. My dd wont remremember my current predicament, but she would remember if I did it again. I love having one child, and have no desire for another.
Greythorne has it totally right there

Without wanting to sound obtuse, I just don't understand this argument that it's unfair to have one child because of the demands of elderly parents in years to come.

You may not get to that stage! Plenty of people are healthy until - well, until they die, I suppose. I realise illnesses such as dementia are on the rise, but nonetheless to assume you will end up elderly and infirm seems strange.

Then, who is to say it would be a 50/50 split? Nothing worse than having to take on the responsibility yourself while a sibling gets away scot free!

Lastly, I am not in the position of caring for elderly and infirm parents because they died young. I am in the position of having to organise and finance care - for a sibling. I love him but yes, life without him would be easier. But no one knows what happens. You just can't plan for every eventuality: stuff happens and to be honest that's life and deal with it. It troubles me when I see people saying they are 'trying for a brother or sister for (PFB name)' - it isn't fair. They should be trying to have a son or daughter for them, not a sibling for their existing child. And I know it's just a turn of phrase but it annoys me!

OP haven't read all the responses but totally understand where you are coming from. I married late, was trying to conceive for 18 months. At 39 and a half got pregnant (was ecstatic!) thought my beloved DS1 was bound to be an only child as a result which wasn't ideal as I am one of two and also love my DB dearly. My DH is one of 5. Was unsure whether to have another DC due to 'advanced' age. I think I left it in the lap of the Gods by taking a couple of chances when DS1 was 15 months old. You can guess the rest. I was looking at him tonight, totally unplanned, gorgeous DS2. He is 5 now, and born when I was 42. We drove from the beach tonight all four of us. DS2 who is adorable, calls himself 'my boyfriend' was full of sand, ice cream and chocolate milkshake, sleepily trying to stay awake after a fun day at the beach. I could not be happier that my beautiful sons came into my life. All the more appreciated as I had given up on being lucky enough to have one. Good luck OP whatever you decide and whatever the final number xx

"I think if you don't have an urge to have a child then you're not really on the fence. You don't want one."

Don't agree with this. I never really had an urge to have children, but DH wanted them so we went for it. I did feel that if I couldn't have DC, I'd probably be upset though. Still, right up until DS1 was born I wasn't sure I was cut out for motherhood - but oh when he was put in my arms, I didn't want to put him down. Didn't have that rush of love thing either; just didn't want to put him down.

I went from having no time for babies and no idea how to handle them, to actually really loving babyhood - in fact, I like babies better than bigger children, I've realised!

Funny things, hormones.

It's fine to have one child. It's fine to have more than one.

I didn't think I was ever going to want/have DC. I got unexpectedly pregnant at 39 after a drunken bunk-up with an old friend and now have a happy, healthy 9-year-old. I sometimes think I might have liked to have another one or two, but I didn't, and that's OK.
You might have to take the decision to stop using contraception, OP. You might also find the decision has been made for you, sort of - no contraceptive method is infallible and (apparently) in your late 30s/early 40s you can get a kind of extra-fertile surge.
It might be worth thinking about what you would do if you missed your next period and found out that actually you were PG. If the thought fills you with utter horror, then maybe double-deck your contraception.

i feel the same sense of fear of messing up an unborn dc's life because a) we might only be able to have one and b) dc's age (he is 52).

But loads of people have dc in all sorts of less than ideal circumstances and don't worry about it at all (or are able to reconcile it and not let it hold them back.

i think partly it's about being able to look a dc in the eye and say "i did what i thought was best"? but i agree there is no way of telling how they will find being an only... one thing to consider is that only children tend to score higher on many attainment tests and from what i gather it is also important that YOU don't give the dc the impression they are missing out.

lastly hormones are funny things and you might find yourself to be quite upset if you don't fall pregnant right away. i went from "not sure" to "distraught" after 1 year (and counting). so perhaps my advice to you would be to think about adoption (perhaps even of a sibling group) as plan A and a bio dc as plan B IYSWIM? of course you may decide happily on neither and be a contented family of two!

i did feel that if I couldn't have DC I'd probably be upset though

The thing is, I think that's very similar to having an urge to have children. If you would be sad to not be able to, then you want to.