To wonder if only having enough time left for one child means that we shouldn't have any?

[JessieMcJessie]

Something I'm wrestling with at the moment. I am already 40, very newly married and DH and I haven't really made up our minds yet about children. Last time we discussed it he casually threw in "of course, we'll only ever be able to have one". Even though in my head I only feel about 30, he's probably right. It got us thinking- he has 2 siblings, I have a brother and we both have very close bonds with them. For me in particular my brother has been a huge support during some awful times including the death of both our parents- he walked me down the aisle last month. It's phenomenally important to me that another person felt the same loss and shares the same memories.

But maybe that's just a bonus, and I'd have managed OK if I had never known any different.

Given that DH and I are a bit on the fence about DC full stop, is there any force in the argument that it's maybe not a good thing to deliberately have an only child?

Thanks EsMum07? really appreciate your advice.

Lovely, lovely post Sleepy thank you.

Jessie we're chronic over-thinkers too, especially me. DH believes that it is ultimately my decision, which I appreciate but also find stressful.

I have realized I have been a bit off topic from your OP, as you were asking about having more than one, not about not having any, but if we were to have children I would strongly want to have more than one (though I do realize that I am not in control of that at all). One thing that occurred to me on this point: I was visiting an old friend and her family at Christmas and she asked about our plans re: kids and I mentioned career timing, money (big factors for us), and feeling like I wouldn't want to have only one but was afraid we wouldn't have time for more. And she said "but surely it's better for you to go ahead as soon as you can and have one than to have none at all, right, if you want kids," meaning that she thought we should go for it even if it was likely that we'd only have one. It was a really useful comment for me b/c my reaction was not "oh, gosh, she's right, we should get on with it and just make it work, b/c the main point is we want to have a family, however big/small it may be." Instead I thought "but I really wouldn't like having only one at all, I don't like that picture."

And then I thought, hmm, if I only like the idea of having children if it conforms to a specific picture, then maybe I don't actually like the idea of having children. From what I've seen, people who really want children don't go into it thinking that they only want it if they can first build up x money and achieve x career goals and only then have x many children. Sure, it is perfectly normal to try to build up x money and achieve x career goals and have x children, but if you really want children and you are running out of time, you don't say "ah, but sadly I did not achieve my financial and career goals in time so I just won't have any." You go ahead and have them anyway and just keep working at the other goals. Again this is just what I've seen in my friends, many of whom are now having kids at non-ideal times re: careers and money b/c it's now or never for them too.

Gah this is long. (See, over-thinker!) My point is just that I think stalling on how many you can have may mean that you don't want any and are not comfortable admitting it to yourself. I realize this probably contradicts Sleepy's post, which I did love, and I'm not saying that this is the case for you at all. But since you posted your OP I have realized that anything else I have really wanted, I have gone ahead and done even though I had doubts and it was not an ideal time and I knew it would make things harder. I'm really starting to think that if I wanted children I wouldn't be waffling around like this looking for reasons not to such as being able to have only one. Maybe that will be useful to you to consider, if you just ask yourself, am I waffling b/c I don't want to admit I don't want them? I am really not trying to tell you that's how you feel, just thought it might help you clarify one way or the other.

I'm afraid that again this is a terribly unhelpful post but it took me forever to type so will post anyway in case it is at all useful

Did that even make sense? I just meant -- I have waffled hugely over big decisions in the past. But in the end, if it was something I deeply wanted, I was able to talk myself past every obstacle and every possible non-ideal outcome. In a way that's actually how I knew I wanted it so much: b/c I kept talking the possible problems away. So I think that if a person is considering doing something but can't talk herself past the possible problems it may bring, it may mean that she doesn't really want to do it after all.

OP, you seem to have bought into a very strong stereotype about what a family should be. Ideally two children, with a rough and tumble dad and mum whose brain is filled with motherese. But you don't want to be, and may not be able to be, a family like that. It is entirely up to you and your DH to become the family that you want to be with your own rules and expectations. So that might mean staying a couple and enjoying that, or it might mean having one child, or several.

So stop looking at the stereotype - it has absolutely no relevance or meaning to your situation. It is a handy peg by which people writing sitcoms define a nuclear family.

You sound like my DH and I - capable of procrastinating and over-thinking until such time as we run out of time and the decision is taken out of our hands. How would you feel if you allowed this to happen with respect to children?

Keatsie - I loved your post. It can be really hard to distinguish between a genuinely difficult decision and a decision that I've overcomplicated as a way of avoiding doing something I don't want to do.

MrsCakes thanks! Yes yes, that's it exactly, you put it much better than I did.

KeatsiePie that all makes perfect, perfect sense, thank you. I will be putting your thoughts to DH next time we talk about this. And the big question is, does that mean you've now realised you don't want any?

Just do it.

Interesting post keatsie. I'm the same sort of age as OP (bit older) & always knew I wanted children. My elderly neighbour goes on about asking me what I wanted from life when I was 18 & about to head off to an Oxbridge college (deliberately vague) & I said 'to be a mother'. She almost fell off her chair. Actually I should have been more savvy & chosen a career ( or way of making money - I've never been interested in careers) that fitted well around children given how much I wanted them. Anyway first was born by the age of 28.

I found your post interesting keatsie as it's so different to the way I thought about things I can't even imagine feeling the way you describe.

Although I had an idea of what being a mother would be like, it has been nothing like that at all. I do look at my friends with toddlers now and feel relief those years have gone Given ds1's severe disabilities & how profoundly they have changed our life (not in an entirely negative way - life with a severely disabled child is difficult, but that's not all bad - he has brought many positives into our life as well directly as a result of bring disabled) I'm pleased that I wanted to be a mother above all else, rather than had some idea of wanting a family to give me a particular pre- defined image. I'm not sure how I would have coped if I hadn't actually really even wanted to be a mother then ended up in a very challenging situation with an experience that's really nothing like parenting NT kids (have 2 of those as well). The mothering/caring side & the feelings are exactly the same but the 'doing parenting' bit is totally different.

When I was pregnant with ds1 we agreed we wouldn't terminate for anything unless incompatible with life. Nothing showed up on scans anyway - or indeed until ds1 was a year old - but I do think our 'I just want to me a mum/dad and we'll deal with whatever we get' attitude has helped us enormously given the situation we found ourselves in. I think I would have felt very cheated if we had conditions (couldn't cope with that/wouldn't want that etc).

I must admit I don't understand all the overthibking as I just knew. On the other hand I had a friend who was the same age who had made a decision not to have kids, but she went on and on about it so much I was never convinced that it wasn't her dh's decision & her justifying it. She spent all the time talking about how bad it would be ( including saying things like when my kids grow up DH & I will have nothing left in common!!! - especially bizarre as ds1 will never be independent!!) I couldn't care less whether someone decides to have kids or not, but found it odd that if she'd decided not to she had to talk about it & justify it all the time. Surely once a decision is made it should become irrelevant with no need for continual justification. She didn't seem at ease with the decision put it that way.

I totally get what you mean about dc at different ages Jessie. Before having dc the whole baby/toddler thing filled me with disgust if I'm honest but I quite liked the idea of children aged 5 and up.

Once I had my babies I can't say I was ever totally comfortable in the baby and toddler world but I didn't hate it and, miraculously, it turns out that my babies and toddlers were far superior to all the other babies and toddlers and much more interesting ().

Now my dc are 7 and 10 and it's just fab, I love, love, love this stage. It turns out my initial view that I'm more comfortable with kids from the age of 5 up was spot on. That doesn't mean I was a terrible parent when they were younger - far from it.

Oh and, btw, I'm an only. And I can wholeheartedly confirm that my life has actually been worth living!

You don't know if:

a) You will conceive
b) The pregnancy will go full term (sorry - not being offensive, very many of us on here have had miscarriages or worse)
c) You will conceive a single baby, twins, triplets or more
d) How you will cope with one baby and feel about parenthood
e) Whether you and dp will stay together
f) Whether you want to or can try for another baby
g) A million other variables and possibles

You simply can't, at this point, be thinking and worrying about 'only having one child'. You have more a more pressing decision to make.

Your decision, at age 40, is very simply 'do we seriously want to try to have a baby?'.

Answer 70% or more 'yes' - do it. Less than 70% don't do it.

Saintly JimJams - I found Keatsie's post and the OP's position interesting too. I don't find anything wrong with it, and I don't think being initially unsure means you shouldn't go for it, I was just surprised by the fact that people are still unsure at that point in life.

OP, I posted a reply a while ago and something went wrong and it disappeared. It wasn't interesting so I won't re-write! Just realised I forgot to say, I'm very sorry about your parents. I'm glad you were able to feel such support from your brother. And congrats on your recent wedding - I wish you a happy marriage, whether it be with one child, more or none!

I don't think it's the case that you "have" to be desperate for a child before you decide to go for it.

It's a real leap in the dark - a massive thing that changes your life and your relationship - and a great responsibility. As well as being wonderful. I think any couples TTCing naturally feel daunted and wonder whether they are really ready.

Only you can tell whether your feelings are these natural ones, or are actually more ambivalent than that. I know I felt I definitely wanted to take the leap in the dark even though it was daunting. You may not feel like that and that is fine.

The business about one or two children is a red herring. You can't plan these things and who knows how it will pan out. You might conceive easily and then again in quick succession. You might struggle even to conceive one child. You could have twins. You could have a child with a disability. You could have an epiphanous life changing moment where you give up everything and go and live in a hut in the outback and procreate. The lack of control is one of the daunting things!

With the one or two children thing you are using your "thinking" brain to try and think out a "solution" to what is essentially a "feelings" question. Do you feel ready to take the leap, or not ?

Yes I agree with you both temporary and bumpsadasie.

It was what really made me about my childless friend. She constantly brought up in conversation about her decision not to have any & why and what a sensible decision it was, and how having children made life worse for everyone - specifically with me who had 3 (and I don't talk much about our family life tbh because with ds1 it's too far from most people's understanding that I cba - and anyway most people in the that group were young and childless so of no interest to them). It did feel very much like she was trying to convince herself - a very intellectual approach to something whereas I would have thought if she really didn't want any it would have been something that wouldn't take up any brain space.

I'm an only as I said and ds will be an only (not by choice)

I think the main thing for me having an only is that we don't feel a real family. There doesn't seem any point doing special things that families do. We are a couple with a child - and a few people have described us as being that rather than a family. Most of my friends have two or more children and said that the second or third completed their family. Our family won't ever be complete. 3 is an odd number. It doesn't make any sense.

What an interesting thread. Appreciate everyone's insight and honesty here.

saintly I envy you that certainty. It's tough to be an over-thinker on this subject so while your friend sounds irritating I wonder if she just can't stop worrying about it. I don't know quite how to put this but I really respect and admire the commitment you felt to the children you wanted to have, no matter who they would be. I see what you mean about how that has been both a source of strength and a source of happiness as you look at who they are.

Jessie I'm so glad some of my rambling thoughts might be useful to you guys!

This is going to be an essay, I am so sorry. But yeah, that is the big question What I've realized I've been trying to talk myself into talking myself past the obstacles I see, if that makes sense, and failing, b/c I don't really want to get past them. I didn't know that. I just kept thinking "gosh these obstacles are so serious I just can't talk myself past them ... I better review them yet again." (Poor DH.) And I need to stop. I thought everyone just knew, yes or no, and surely I just knew as well but just couldn’t figure out what I knew. I see now that for me, having children is conditional. And I feel like it would be a terrible disservice to a child to have it knowing that I need certain conditions to be met, either by us or by the child.

For me a lot of this is about fear -- I'm afraid of being lonely in old age. I’m afraid of having children with needs that will overwhelm us (and I am in the US, where the support system is crap, and we don’t have money). I'm afraid of missing out on being a parent as part of having a full, rich life and of feeling poorer and smaller b/c of missing it. But I can't possibly decide to have or not have children based on fear. And I just don't feel an urge, as Alley mentioned, toward that particular full, rich life, so in the absence of an urge, fear has been playing far too large a part in this decision. (It’s funny, I don’t normally think of myself as being fearful.) I feel like I have to have faith that there are many kinds of full, rich lives and that I will find my way through the kind I am meant to have, and stop being frightened of whatever it turns out to be like.

So I think I'm just going to put this question down. There are things I do want deeply, so I'll work toward those things. I think that if it's right for us to have kids, the things I've been afraid of will stop mattering to us so much. And if it's too late, that will have to be okay. I realize this is so totally unhelpful re: your OP. But I really thank you so much for starting this thread, and everyone who has posted.

Um, sorry if that sounded melodramatic. This issue has been bothering me obviously So very hard to be an over-thinker.

I can over think things, but I never needed to think about kids. I was horrified to get pregnant with ds3 btw - think I spent the first 4 weeks or so shaking and crying until I got my head around the idea (no thinking or decision to make - I knew we'd have him whatever, just had to get hold of my panic - which was largely related to a dreadful birth with ds2).

The thing is you have to go with gut feelings really. There is no thinking to be done on the topic. If you want to know will being a parent make your life "better"? Well no, it won't in many ways. You will have less money, no time of your own at all for years unless you create it (ds2 is currently on a course, ds1 is going to some carers for the day, ds3 is going to my mum's - and I get to..... work in peace - first child free day for 2 and a half weeks!), someone else who you pretty much automatically think about before yourself, you won't be able to sleep when you choose - etc etc. There are lots of wonderful sides to being a parent (we're human - on the whole we are rewarded by relationships), but they're just there and exist and can't really be thought or imagined before you have kids.

So you have to go with your feelings, not your intellectual thoughts - intellectual thoughts will always point to a no.

I think a no is fine btw.

I'm not sure about my friend, maybe. I couldn't work out whether she felt judged by society for her decision (she was sort of an anxious parent) or had an issue with the decision herself. It was very odd though.

We didn't really want a dc if I'm honest....I found myself pregnant at 37 and sounds awful ....but we got as far as a clinic for a termination....

So glad we had dd she is amazing. I don't think you have to really really want a dc ....sometimes it just happens.

She is an only one. I have mixed feelings about that but she is such a exuberant happy little girl and we adore her.

Of course I worry about her being alone in the world. Especially with us being older parents.

If you are " on the fence " I think you might be better off not having a child at all. Even children who have been much longed for change your world forever in positive and negative ways. I just couldn't imagine having a baby and not being 100% certain being a parent was what I wanted, particularly given your age.

Wow, what a lot of great posts - thanks all. I think that one problem may be that (having thought about it a bit over the last couple of days)my gut feeling is "do it". However DH's gut feeling is "don't". If i got pregnant accidentally tomorrow (unlikely as I have an IUD!) I'd be pleased and he'd be happy that the decision had been taken out of his hands. He certainly wouldn't be suggesting termination.

Since neither of us can back up our gut feeling with 100% logic to convince the other, we love each other equally and we both fully understand why the other feels the way that he or she does, how do we move forward?

If it adds anything to the debate, he's 4 years younger than me, but 36 is still plenty old enough to be a father (his mates are mostly on their third..).

Well if you'd be happy to be pregnant I don't see what all the fuss is about tbh. Having children doesn't have to be some discussed to death decision. It can just happen.

It was me who was more reticent in our situation so the other way around....

If you are thinking go for it but he's not keen.... obviously he may be ultimately thinking no to dc....given your age etc.

My dp is now 50 < 9 years older than me> and he would love another dc however.... after a late MMC in December I have now decided no.

Good luck whatever your future brings.