To wonder if only having enough time left for one child means that we shouldn't have any?

[JessieMcJessie]

Something I'm wrestling with at the moment. I am already 40, very newly married and DH and I haven't really made up our minds yet about children. Last time we discussed it he casually threw in "of course, we'll only ever be able to have one". Even though in my head I only feel about 30, he's probably right. It got us thinking- he has 2 siblings, I have a brother and we both have very close bonds with them. For me in particular my brother has been a huge support during some awful times including the death of both our parents- he walked me down the aisle last month. It's phenomenally important to me that another person felt the same loss and shares the same memories.

But maybe that's just a bonus, and I'd have managed OK if I had never known any different.

Given that DH and I are a bit on the fence about DC full stop, is there any force in the argument that it's maybe not a good thing to deliberately have an only child?

Really interesting to read everyone's thoughts here as DH and I are in the same position and we are late 30s. I'm afraid I have nothing to contribute though; I am finding this very, very hard to figure out.

It may be that I am finding it hard to be sure that I don't want children, to be sure that I really know that.

winter there's no need at all to be so extremely nasty. Have reported your post.

winter the OP isn't a judgement on you....

I'm an only and I have to admit I do actually conform to most of the stereotyping, I'm very introvert, spend a lot of time alone, and cant cope very well with not getting my own way. I'm not saying every only is like that, it may just be my personality of course. But I remember a teacher coming up to me and saying "your an only child aren't you?" because he was too and shared some difficulties. I also grew up very quick because of existing in an adult world.

However, that said I would rather be alive most of the time ! Our dc (who was unplanned) is likely to be an only child as dp doesn't want any more kids. It's not what I would choose at all, but that's the situation and hopefully we'll make the best of it. I love her more than anything and I'm still glad I have her.

What I'm saying is go in with your eyes open, being an only child can effect certain aspects of personality, yet I don't see it as a reason to not have any children at all if that is what you want.

I had DD at 43. She's an only child and will be.

My most well adjusted and happy friends are all only children btw.

Nothing at all wrong with that. If you want a
child, have one, if you want more, have more. Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful, kind and insightful posts, and to keatsiepie for reporting winter's abusive one.

Greythorne, beautifully put. DH and I are both chronic over-thinkers but we do laugh at ourselves a bit, because we know that too much thinking can often just end up leading to inaction.

Somebody up-thread asked whether, if DH decided to jump off the fence and said he wanted a child, woudl it make me happy? Gut feeling: yes. But not because I am secretly really wanting one and just need him to come around, but because the decision would be slightly out of my hands, in a similar way to Thumbwithch's experience.

What I am not happy about is the idea of being the one to say "Right, I realy want one" and then having to convince him. he has as much right to say no as I do to say yes. (and before anyone starts with the whole "I can't believe that you married someone without talking abot future children first", we DID talk about it and the only conclusion was that we were both undecided and could see a happy life together either way. Put it this way, had either of us been categorical that we did not want children we'd still ahve got married without any hesitation.)

keatsiepie and alleycat, good luck with your decisions and if you want to chew it over more offline, please do PM me.

I don't really get the angst about only children (am one, don't conform to any stereotypes, people always seem surprised when I say I'm an only).

You have no idea what life would be like with an only or multiple children because you have no idea what they will be like. If we'd stopped after ds1 our only child would have been severely disabled. We went on to have two more children (who we know will have a severely disabled brother). I have no idea whether they will take on any caring responsibilities for their brother - if they live close by they may do, if they end up living the other side of the world they won't - making decisions based on whether a child may or may not end up caring for their parents seems bonkers to me. You have no idea whether it will even be possible for them. In the families I know with elderly parents & lots of siblings usually one does most of the caring anyway. I can't see DH doing much hands on caring for his parents when elderly as he lives too far away & will have caring responsibilities towards ds1 I will for mine - not because I'm an only but because we live near them.

For me the "caring for parents" issue is not about which sibling actually does the hands-on caring because DH and I are both extremely clear that we would not expect our child(ren) to do that and are already making financial provision for our own private care.

It's more about having a sibling to understand how you feel; i.e. you both share the same sadness of seeing Mum with dementia but you both also see the little glimpses of the woman that she used to be, you both really feel for Dad since Mum went because you both saw how happy they made each other, or simply there is more than one person keeping the same memories alive. I have some experience with this through my Granny who lived to her nineties but had dementia and severe physical disablement for the last 8 years of her life.

(Actually my Dad was an only and it was tough for Gran because he had died in his fifties. I never had a conversation with my Dad about how he felt to be an only child. I certainly didn't perceive him having any issues with it.)

But you can't guarantee that at all. I know many siblings who have completely different views about their elderly parents, or one refuses to discuss it, or one doesn't get involved, or one can't handle it at all.

I see your point saintlyjimjams - but I somehow feel that it is more likely that two siblings with a common upbringing will share common attitudes to their parents and memories of their childhoods, simply because I have seen many more examples of that in real life than I have of sibling conflict.

Anyway the whole idea of having no real control over how a child might turn out is in itself terrifying... I should never have read "We need to talk about Kevin....".

I am an only child and I have an only child, through a combination of choice and circumstances.

While it's lovely that you and your DH have such close relationships with your siblings, sadly there is no guarantee that having siblings will provide automatic friendship or a support network.

My friend and her DH are ambivalent about having a family until she got 40 and thought 'it's now or never'. Her only DD will be 20 next month - she's bright, happy, well adjusted with lots of friends.

My own DD is nearly 10 and loves being an only and DH & I are perfectly happy as we are.

In short, having our being an only child is not a catastrophe!

Jessie if you have a child you have to accept that anything can happen. It's not in your control. You could have a sibling to help the eldest out with future caring responsibilities (bonkers imo) and that sibling could be severely disabled and so all you've done is given your eldest extra potential caring responsibilities - if they choose to take them. Are you going to have another to help the NT child out with their disabled sibling? You can't plan in that way when children are you involved. Amongst my group of friends I have families who have lost children, so children who once had siblings who no longer do. I have friends whose adult children no longer see each other, and friends whose siblings cause a lot of grief. All nestling in amongst the 2.2 children perfect family setups (which are rarer than hen's teeth ime - maybe because I have so many friends with severely disabled children - but there's nothing rare about difficulties in my circles).

That's the point with creating a life you have no idea what their future (or yours) holds. There's no point planning the perfect life, because you almost certainly won't get it, - something will happen at some stage - and if that's important to you you're going to be disappointed. You can't control your children in any sense all.

If you want children have them, if you don't, don't - but if you go for it do it with no expectations and an understanding you are entering the unknown.

Re siblings being any kind of support re ageing/elderly parents...

My mum had to cope pretty much single handedly when her mum was taken ill and subsequently died.

A close friend cared for her dad throughout his decline due to cancer, then for her mum in the final stages of motor neurone disease, all in the space of 3 years whilst working. One brother offered a little in the way of long-distance emotional support, the other couldn't cope with the situation at all, stuck his head in the same and refused to get involved.

I spent the day in hospital with my cousin this week after my auntie was taken ill early in the morning. One of his brothers called about lunchtime, the other one's girlfriend finally called at gone 5pm when we'd been discharged. He gets on OK with the former although they are not close, and he and his younger bro can't stand one another. The relationships between the siblings are so poor that myself, my mum (actually 'auntie's' cousin) and auntie's own brother are powers of attorney/executors rather than get her sons involved .

I don't think you should rely on any of your offspring to look after you in old age or to support each other whether you have one or six children, they may have emigrated , have special needs themselves etc. Its a bit like relying on the fact your parents own an house for an inheritance, it may have to be sold for your care.

We deliberately only had only one child who has about left home now after university and have always been very happy as a family and still are and not felt anything was missing.

If you want a child then try and have one. And then worry about having another after this one. You don't need to make this decision re how many yet but you do need to get going in view of your age.

YABU. If you and your husband want a child you have that child because you want that specific individual (albeit unknown) child in your life. Not because you want them as part of a bigger picture-like a puzzle where you don't know if you have all the pieces.

Does that make sense? Sorry if it doesn't.

I think it is a rather bizarre way of thinking, to think it is better not to have a child just because they may be an only child. I am sure there are many only children who would have liked siblings, but I doubt you would find many that wish they had never been born at all due to a lack of siblings!

Decision making is different once you reach your 40s, I think.

I had my first child when I was 43. I had not really had any major maternal imperative, I led a happy and exciting , independent and fulfilled life. I didn't eel the need for motherhood and a child as many people report.

But then the right relationship and the right circumstances came along, and it seemed a good opportunity.

It's been great, we all enjoy ourselves, I don't feel old or tired, and Ds is very happy without siblings (we proactively decided to have one child).

Parents of all sized families parent according to their family's circumstances. Same if you have one child: you make sure that you are open and welcoming to friends and provide plenty of social life. You make sure that your affairs are in order and have provision for illness, and pension.

Many / some younger people become parents 'by accident' - sooner than they intended, or more than they intended - and they just get on with it. By the time you are in your late 30s you are more used to planning every aspect of your life, and the chpice is more conscious. This is maybe what makes it harder for you.

get drunk and between you fantasise about your life together.... do you both love the idea of taking a toddler on holiday and the delight of paddling - or what?

Thanks Blu, that's very helpful.

DH has said to me that he positively can't see himself as a "throw 'em up in the air" type of father, and I know that I find baby talk very trying - the sort of thing like when you meet a friend with her toddler and say "Hi, what have you been up to today?" and her response is (addressing the child) " Well, we've been to the PARK, didn't we have a lovely time on the SLIDE at the PARK, oh yes we did, was it FUN, tell aunty Jessie, yees."

On the other hand we both like the idea of a chatty 4 year old who says funny things with lovely diction and upon whom we can impose our world view . We already have a niece like that and I'd love to have one of her for myself. The younger niece (2y.o.) I could take or leave.

You do seem to rather want to control this process- you want two children close in age (despite being really quite old for this type of planning), chatty and hilarious (like your niece but not like the other one) and who will share similar memories of growing up (check out the currently running AIBU on siblings for some more realistic stories).

It just doesn't work like this, you will get what you get, you may have a chatty funny child or a child whose sense of humour you just don't get. Your child may grow up thinking completely differently than you and challenge your way of life.

You do really seem to be overthinking this, you just can't make it conditional- you don't get to choose the number or type in this way, you do get to get the experience of being a parent though and for me, that's wonderful.

This all seems to be nerves, why not just stop using contraception and see what happens? If that thought fills you with utter dread perhaps this path is not for you.

With the greatest respect, I thin you're over thinking it.
I did too
Get upstairs and get working on it

Crashbandicoot - interested to know how you would mess up a child's life if they were an only? But at least they will achieve well academically and if you don't give them the impression they are missing out, they might just get by.

OP - you wouldn't be the first woman who wanted a child, but not a baby! And if you do get pregnant, youwouldn't be the first to think they wouldnt enjoy the baby/toddler stage then be surprised by how much having a baby changed them.

I'm sure our younger niece will also be chatty and hilarious when she is 4. I didn't know the chatty one when she was 2. I just meant really that I prefer older, verbal children. Was only in response to Blu's suggestion to picture what we'd like.

I don't think I ever said I wanted 2 close in age? 5 years between me and my DB so not my own template. My OP was actually prompted by the high likelihood that I will not be able to have two, and whether that meant that none at all was perhaps the fairer option. Thanks to this thread and the other current one about only children I am now convinced that the prosepct of having an only should not be something that sways us in our decision as to whether to have children at all.