To wonder if only having enough time left for one child means that we shouldn't have any?

[JessieMcJessie]

Something I'm wrestling with at the moment. I am already 40, very newly married and DH and I haven't really made up our minds yet about children. Last time we discussed it he casually threw in "of course, we'll only ever be able to have one". Even though in my head I only feel about 30, he's probably right. It got us thinking- he has 2 siblings, I have a brother and we both have very close bonds with them. For me in particular my brother has been a huge support during some awful times including the death of both our parents- he walked me down the aisle last month. It's phenomenally important to me that another person felt the same loss and shares the same memories.

But maybe that's just a bonus, and I'd have managed OK if I had never known any different.

Given that DH and I are a bit on the fence about DC full stop, is there any force in the argument that it's maybe not a good thing to deliberately have an only child?

As I said I think the positives are a lot harder to quantify, and I'm not great with words, but I will have a go. For me its that that I have an amazing little person in my life, who loves me just as much as I love him. It is impossible to truly convey how amazing that feels. Watching him grow up, into his own little person is the most incredible feeling. Totally different for the love you have for a partner, or other family members.

It does add another dimension to your relationship with your DP, but only after the dust has settled and you've got through the massive upheaval of the first few months/years.

It is a combination of all the little tiny things, the feeling of little arms round your neck, watching them sleep, knowing they are relying on you for everything. Watching them develop, and do all the funny things that small children do. I could go on, but hopefully that gives you an idea?

I agree with saintlyjimjams - a baby doesn't cause bonding between parents, it causes arguments!!!

Yy saintly
It's a shared experience but not a bonding one.
Ime one of the difficulties many couples experience is the rejection some men feel while the mother bonds with her new baby. It can be very intense.

Why are you still on MN OP? And not upstairs with your dh?

It has bonded my DH and I. We were together for nearly 10 years before we had them though

Yy to causing stress and arguments in the very short term though. It has broken a fair few relationships that I know of

You don't sound to me like a person with a big maternal instinct. Making a list of the positive reasons why you should have a child is completely different to having that instinct inside you that knows you want to be a mum, no matter what.

I wouldn't have a child in those circumstances. It is wonderful, but it's hard work. How long have you been with OH? I ask because the early years are very demanding and could really make or break a couple.

Have you had a stage where you felt broody Jessie? Certainly for me I hit a broody phase and then desperately wanted children. Prior to that I wasn't a "baby" person at all. If the hormones hadn't kicked in I would have struggled with the impact on my career (from a different thread I know what you do and I do the same).

DSil married at 40, had her first at 42 and her second at 45. No issues.

I just wish more people put as much thought into having kids as the OP obviously has.
OP, I come from a large family and am very close to my siblings - even though we don't see a lot of each other, due to geography. I couldn't imagine being an only child, although there were definitely times when growing up that I wished I was. I always wanted a large family, and was lucky enough to get that wish. My eldest son, always said that he wished we had just had him, now he's older he gets on much better with his siblings but having siblings doesn't necessarily make childhood any better. I have friends who had one child, when around your age and then they adopted a younger sibling. Is that something you would consider? On a lighter note, just think, you'd miss out the nappy stage!
Seriously, on the subject of preferring slightly older children, I always did - until I had my own. I didn't, and indeed still don't, have any urge to nurse, bottle feed, make a fuss of anyone else's baby. However, when I had my own, I can honestly say that I could have sat all day just looking at a sleeping baby. It's not the same for everyone but you never know how you will react unless you do it.
I wish you all the joy and luck in the world,whatever you decide.

This has been such an interesting thread to read, I have learned so much.

I understand completely not wanting to conceive unless your DH is also completely on side, I would never consider TTCing without this either. I really needed my DH to want it as much as me to feel comfortable going forward.

It sounds like you have been on a little journey yourself through this thread, and maybe have moved more towards thinking you should do it based on some of the responses you have read. I'm wondering if your DH has been a bit left behind in that process and maybe it would help if he read the thread or you talked to him about the things that have moved you forward in your thinking?

FWIW my two pennyworth: Realistically at 40 you could have absolutely no issues conceiving/carrying a child or you could have problems, so I'd get going now. That way if you do encounter issues you still have some time to hopefully address them.

I started trying to conceive at 35 as I wanted to have the option of a second child. I am now 39, I have lost 5 PG's in this time and am now 38 weeks pregnant with baby #6, with whom everything seems to be OK ....fingers crossed next Thursday I will actually have a baby

Realistically I probably have lost the option of having a second at this point, but there is little I can do about it now and at least that earlier start gave me the time to try again.

Aw Sunday

All best wishes to you

Best of luck Sunday. To those of you who have mentioned the strain that it can put on a relationship (we've been together 3.5 years by the way, married a month and a half) that is a huge disincentive. I didn't wait half my life for him to come along just to drive him away with baby! Thanks again to everyone who has offered opinions and advice.

"I think the main thing for me having an only is that we don't feel a real family. There doesn't seem any point doing special things that families do. We are a couple with a child - and a few people have described us as being that rather than a family"

That's so sad! sad that people describe your family in that way, and sad that you feel that way! I bet your child thinks you are a family, though - perhaps you should try doing some of those "family things" (what are they, btw? Going away for the weekend? Going to theme parks? Going to the beach? Put your "adultness" aside for a short time to join in with your child - it can be more fun than you might realise :) )

Sunday - all the best for next week!

Jessie - babies can strain some relationships, they can bring others closer together. Just as you can't know what type of baby you will get, you can't always tell which way your relationship will go either. I have friends who have been together now for 30 years - married for 15 of those - and they/she never wanted children. NEVER. Then she got pg, possibly by accident, 10 years ago and the son they have is the delight of their lives (sorry, but flowery).
Another couple of friends of mine - he was the one who never wanted children. They have also been together for 30y, married now for nearly 20 - he still doesn't want children and realistically it's a bit too late for them to consider it. She got accidentally pg a few years back and he was very shocked but in a couple of days started to think it was ok; but she sadly lost it very quickly. He was relieved - she was broody for a year but then settled back into being ok with having no children. Their lifestyle is such that a child would completely turn it on its head; possibly beyond what they would really enjoy.

The hardest thing for you as a couple is that you really don't have that much time to ponder this - but I would say, keep talking about it, don't push it to the back of your minds or you'll end up being childless almost by default.

The way I view it is, even if I were an only child, I would rather exist than not.

Re relationship with other half ... from my experience, its a much deeper relationship once you have children. Of course its not plain sailing but then as with everything in life out of difficulty and suffering comes personal/relationship growth and depth!

There will be some point when you have children when life seems like an utter grind, a continual relentless slog of childcare, toddler taming, bottom and mess wiping, terrible sleep, your relationship is on the backest of back burners as you are both so knackered you struggle to function. Its v. character building for a relationship

DH and I laugh about the silly things we used to argue about pre-children. Eg resentments about "whose turn" it was to cook and how we were "so tired" the other one ought to hang out the washing. Ha. For gods sake just get on with it! we tell our younger selves (not saying you guys are like this OP).

The flip side is there are plenty of sunny sundays, when you sit round the breakfast table with the paper and coffee, your beautiful enormously cute young children are around and about you playing, you catch each other's eye, and well up at how very happy and lucky you are.

On the rare occasions you go out to dinner as a couple, you spend the entire time talking about the kids, probably with a tear in your eye about how delightful and lovely they are and how blessed you two are to have them. then you get home, pleasantly tipsy and ready to enjoy a bit of couple time in bed and your youngest wakes up howling just as you are getting in the mood ultimately necessitating him moving into your bed and DH moving into his, yes I am talking about YOU, DS!

3 is not an odd number, it is a magic number.

Twins!

jessie - you won't "drive him away by having a baby". Yes it's hard work and it is a strain on the relationship (me and DH have had a few rough patches) but if your DH is the kind of man you think can be "driven away" because of how you will need to focus your attention on the baby then perhaps having a child with him isn't the best idea....

I agree with wannabe it's a test to your relationship, in that it's tiring and stressful and your child becomes your priority whereas before it was each other.
I think Jonathan Ross said something along the lines of: " before kids, you would dive into unknown water to rescue your wife, and after kids, you'd tread on her head to rescue your children."
I was worried, like you are. My dh is a world class procrastinator and would drag his heels over most important decisions. And I really wanted him to be super keen.
The difficult bits of parenting are obvious and ready to articulate.
I cannot easily put into words the joy of seeing my DS for the first time and how much love I have for both my dcs. One would have been lovely too tbh. My dh is smitten with them and we share that experience. So it's been trying for us as a couple but it's been positive IYSWIM?
My only regret is at I didn't do it sooner.
So I'm projecting a bit when I post to you here but you never know what's around the corner and at our age we don't have the luxury of navel gazing and thumb twiddling.

Ha ha- only on Mumsnet:
OP: "I think having a baby might be a binding experience with my DH"

Mumsnetters: "Oh no it won't, it will put a load of strain on your relationship and some people even split up over it!"

OP (thinks): Gosh, DH doesn't seem like the jealous or demanding or easily spooked type, and I know loads of couples with kids IRL who seem really close and happy, but these ladies know what they are talking about...

OP (posts): Goodness me, thanks for the warning, maybe I will think twice if having kids might mean I end up losing my husband!

Mumsnetter: OP, if you DH is the tyoe to be driven away by having children then you should not even consider having his children!

How many more posts till we get to "LTB"? [Grin]

OP-you are right, only on MN can a thread take a turn like this. But it's a very fair point...

Choosing to have or not have a baby based on whether you have time to have a sibling is kind of redundant. Lots of people just don't get to choose. Lots of people don't get the child they imagined they would get. Lots of siblings don't and never get on together. Lots of only children are perfectly happy.

In the other hand, having a child with a man who may of may not be keen, who you haven't known for that long and who has no stated interest in a baby sounds a lot, lot more risky to me. And the point about a baby allowing you to be better bonded....I have a 7 and a 5 yo and now my relationship with my DH (their dad) is fantastic. But there were time in the baby / toddler years when I just wanted to go to a hotel with the babies to avoid seeing him, so stressful was our relationship at times.

Ha, I take your point Jessie! But it's a valid set of points too: -
• the initial birth experience can be very bonding. Plus!
• the following few weeks while routines are established and new parents work out what the fuck they're doing, while having less sleep than is reasonable, can be very testing. Not so good!
• once the routines are in place and people are getting the hang of it - well this can go either way: -

• If the mum "takes over" at this point, then the dad can feel left out = negative.
• If the mum and dad take equal shares of child-care, then this can be bonding = positive!
• If the dad decides that it's all the mum's responsibility and he doesn't need to do anything = negative. • mum and child bonding = usually very strong: -
• some dads can resent the time given to their children and end up feeling left out/resentful/toddler-style jealous = negative.
• other dads manage to make as strong a bond with their baby because they know that they are also an equal parent who can do everything (bar breastfeeding) that the mum can do - they are proud of their baby, proud of its mum and proud of the family they have created = positive.

You can see how both points are valid - so much depends on the reactions of both parents! and I haven't even mentioned PND or other complications.

Good posts Greythorne and Thumbwitch

The friend who I was talking about earlier who went on and on about (supposedly) not having children had this as her main argument. That a child would interfere with the relationship between her & her husband. I didn't ever really understand that argument as it's not like having an extra girlfriend in the marriage. It's completely different. Yes it means a lot of your time & energy is taken up by someone else, but I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with a man who needed me joined to his hip anyway :shudder:

The thing when you have kids is you don't sit staring lovingly at them after the first few weeks (apart from now & then when they're asleep). You're too busy caring for them so the relationship with your partner carries along onside. I have friends who didn't spend a night together for years because of the needs of their particular family/children (& their marriage remained very strong - it wouldn't in all cases though). DH & I spent years sleeping in separate rooms because he needed sleep to work & a combination of babies plus severely autistic child meant it was Picadilly Circus in here at night. I don't think it affected our marriage but there was nothing bonding about it.

When you have kids they come first, for both of you (if they don't for one partner it doesn't usually end well). That doesn't mean you become a martyr & never go out alone - it just means your life changes & when there are problems your kids come first. These aren't random children though / it's not something intellectual where you think about it & put them first. It's biology so they just do.

When I say my friends didn't spend a night together I mean they weren't even in the same building.

My sibling and cousins all only have one child, not out of choice, but because that's just how life has turned out for them. Their children are happy, and not hankering after brothers and sisters. Only children who say they want siblings speak from a position of the grass is greener. They have no idea what the reality of a sibling means. Fights, rivalry, resentment are as common as being best of friends. I'm not close to my sister. Never was. She is the elder and I don't think ever really adjusted to there being a new baby in the house. She regularly asked mum if she could 'take me to the zoo and swap me for a monkey'

As for whether or not to have dcs, it's very easy to over think that one. I did, and convinced myself I never wanted them. On paper the downsides really do seem to outweigh the upsides. In reality it is very different as the benefits of having children are largely intangible. The love I feel for dd is overwhelming. She gives so much more than she takes, and she has brought DH and I much closer together. I was 40 when I had her and I am currently pregnant with dc2.

My only caveat is don't have dcs with a man who does want them. DH wanted dcs for about 10 years before I did. The stress it put on our marriage almost destroyed us as a couple.