To wonder if only having enough time left for one child means that we shouldn't have any?

[JessieMcJessie]

Something I'm wrestling with at the moment. I am already 40, very newly married and DH and I haven't really made up our minds yet about children. Last time we discussed it he casually threw in "of course, we'll only ever be able to have one". Even though in my head I only feel about 30, he's probably right. It got us thinking- he has 2 siblings, I have a brother and we both have very close bonds with them. For me in particular my brother has been a huge support during some awful times including the death of both our parents- he walked me down the aisle last month. It's phenomenally important to me that another person felt the same loss and shares the same memories.

But maybe that's just a bonus, and I'd have managed OK if I had never known any different.

Given that DH and I are a bit on the fence about DC full stop, is there any force in the argument that it's maybe not a good thing to deliberately have an only child?

Yes, I see what you mean. I was just saying the choice is either none- or two close in age if that were still possible (and it might be, you really can't know unless trying).

I think being an only is just fine, my husband's an only, my best friend has an only, it never occurred to me that being an only would be considered so negatively.

I am sort of an only, my half sister is 17 years my senior and was already upped and gone when I was born, so brought up alone which I think makes me an only in terms of what my childhood was like.

It had some drawbacks for me, but I think they were more to do aspects of my upbringing related to being an only, rather than because I was an only. I certainly do not wish for siblings and I never did.

On the other hand we both like the idea of a chatty 4 year old who says funny things with lovely diction and upon whom we can impose our world view

Yes I wanted that as well. And she was to be a daughter. My firstborn is now 15, male & non verbal (& presumably always will be).

I'm sorry but when you have kids planning is pointless.

Your comment about your younger niece worries me. A four year old will have sussed their parents aren't really bothered about them long before your interest in them is sparked, especially if you both feel like this.
Also far better to be a loved and cherished only than a sibling forever in the shadow of a 'golden child'.
Op you and your OH need to think long and hard whether pareenthood is for you.
All good wishes.

Don't you worry now thescottishplay we are not going to neglect a child just because we anticipate not enjoying the baby/toddler stage as much as an older child- do you really think that someone who would go to the bother of posting on a website about the potential psychological effects of being an only child would be the type not to do lots of research about the psychology of the early years?? It's perfectly acceptable to prefer older children to toddlers and not be bad parents!

I don't think researching early years psychology does much to prepare you for parenthood really (see currently Child Genius programme on chanel 4 for evidence of that).

TBH you have no idea how you'll feel. Having your own baby is nothing like interacting with anyone else's. If you have a child it will change everything - that's all you have to know and all you can know (impossible to predict how ) and really you have to be prepared for that. If you're not, I'd say don't have a child - because that's the only certainty.

I am an only. It seriously doesn't bother me. I have lovely friends that I cherish who've been around for many years, through thick and thin.

If you give them a social life and the tools to forge ahead in life the child should be fine.

I am an only child and we have two dcs. I wanted 3 of them. I really liked the idea of a bigger family. DH wanted just one on the ground he never got on with his dsis so thought having 2 dcs would just bring problems.

As others have said, you can't tell what it will be when you have your own dcs. You will react differently to looking at other peoples children. You might find it much better by ou might find it harder. You certainly learn how to speak 'child language' insisting on certain words and learning all about Peppa Pig and Thomas the Tank Engine.
I would say as a rule, you will only be able to decide what's right for you when you actually do have your first child!

As for being an only, some people have hated it. Some people were ok with it. Just as some people like you are very happy to have a siblings whereas others have gone NC as their relationship is so poor.
I personally believe it has a lot to do with the parents and their parenting. It also has a lot to do with the siblings temperament. So really not a lot you can actually prevent/plan.

I'm an only and like it.

However I wanted a second child and have been unable to have one. I do feel guilty nearly all the time. Ds is so different from me - outgoing and sociable and wants someone to play with all the time. I've always liked my own space and occupied myself. Ds says he hates being the only child (he's 5) and looks sadly at other proper families with more children. We do loads with him, he had lots of friends, lots of play dates but it isn't the same. He's asked repeatedly for a sibling but we aren't able to give him one.
I will always feel like I've let him down badly and as though his family wasn't good enough for him. He deserved better.

Some children suit being only ones and some just dont. Mine doesn't. He'd have suited a small gap so he would have had a playmate.

DH has said to me that he positively can't see himself as a "throw 'em up in the air" type of father

What does this mean exactly?

My husband was very anti "baby voice talking" now he finds himself doing it to our son all the time. You might be surprised.

I've found being a mother much more fun than I thought it would be. When they are your own they are so much more interesting

I have an only child. DD is 12y. She is a happy, lovely girl who is growing up very much normal! She isn't negatively affected by being an only! She has a lot of friends and, as she is an only, we facilitate having friends round a lot and we sometimes take friends out/away with us.

DD has been through phases of wanting a sibling but most of the time she is happy as she is. Likewise, many of her friends have also been through phases of wishing they were an only :)

Having an only child is not something to be worried or upset about. It brings it own benefits too.

Could always adopt a sibling if it gets too late?

You don't adopt a sibling as a last resort - you adopt a child because you want a child

Sometimes I feel like starting a thread about the anguish of being the 3rd of 4 children. I might even look for a support group ...

I am am only and I had a fabulous childhood. Don't get into thinking of only children as some little orphan Annie types!

Also, I am likewise wondering about that comment of your DH's. Is thatlikely to be code for 'I will get involved when they can have an adult conversation, but till then it's up to you'?

one I didn't mean to imply that being an only Would mess up a child's life - rather that I can empathise with the OP's tendency to worry/overthink about all the possible things that could benefit/hamper a child (whether we have any control over the variables or not).

I find it positive however that most of the posters have said "stop worrying and get on with it"

Dh's comment about not being the type to "throw 'em up in the air" is that he is not the sporty, rough and tumble type and would not instinctively enjoy or initiate that sort of play. Doesn't mean he would not be interested, affectionate or hands-on. There's absolutely no concern about him leaving me to do all the hard work.

Good post, Sleepy

We were quite ambivalent, I guess if pushed we would say we did want children at some point, but we were entirely content how we were. We didn't really decide to TTC, rather decided to stop protecting once I was 35. (Wasn't expecting co conceive almost immediately but there you go )

I always thought if we did have kids then two would be ideal (for us) and being mid-late 30's I'd probably need to get a wriggle on after DC1 (who is currently brewing). But if it didn't happen, as much as I have an idea that siblings would be ideal, it wouldn't be a massive deal.

There's no ideal, really, there's just your life, and what you make of it.

Well that's right sleepy. I'd say it's absolutely true that lots of things you can feel "not 100%" on and still they be a good idea IYSWIM.
But my inkling (could be wrong) is that the op wants children and she should crack on with it.

THere is of course no perfect number.
But as one of three I chose to have an only .

I think it's reasonable to identify that the baby and toddler years might be tough for you. It might be better than you think. It was tough for me, even though I enjoyed about 90% of it. Don't miss it and have enjoyed mine more the older they've got.

Also agree with sleepy

I think it's really sensible to have reservations

As for onlies - just as those of us with more than one have to think about balancing everyone's needs, people with one have to think about how to manage their circumstances. As long as you think, it's all good.

DS is an only child. I was 44 when I had him so it was pretty obvious he would be the only one. We didn't even consider a problem with him being an only. I have two sisters, both younger and still remember the stand up fights me and the next in line one used to have. DH also has two sisters and had similar problems with his older sister. My DS has, as many have said, lots of friends. We try to get them round as often as possible. I remember when he was about five years old bringing him back from a friend's house where he had been playing with the friend and his brother. DS said he was glad he was home for a bit of peace! 'All they do is punch each other mum!'so he doesn't seem bothered.

My youngest Dsis had her child when she was 30 but due to a very traumatic birth which resulted in an emergency cSection she found they could not have any more kids. Her DD is great. Very confident and seems very happy. There is no guarantee that, at 40, you won't have more than one. Just like for my sister, at 30, there was no guarantee she would have more. You just enjoy what you have.

Oh and DH was exactly the same as you DH with regard not being a 'rough and tumble' type. He was petrified when he discovered we were having a boy as he was scared of the responsibility of teaching DS to grow into a decent man etc.

I have just come down from DS's bedroom where DH and DS are having a rugby tackling match...usually involves DH pretending to be rugby tackled by 7 yr old DS, DS sitting astride him and tickling DH until he is in tears of laughter. You may be surprised how kids change you. And if they don't it is not the end of the world. No one died through not having a rough and tumble dad. I used to love sitting with my dad,cuddling up whilst we watched kids TV. It is being with dad or mum that matters. Every family is unique so don't compare.

I am hogging this now, sorry! But, as usual, I forgot to mention something. I, too, am not a toddler chat person. Except when it came to my toddler! I found him fascinating and would talk to anyone who would listen about him. I am, though, the first to hand other people's children back to them and can't see anything interesting about babies...my one, of course, was the exception.