To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

[starterforeight]

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

No Phaedra I don't have a difficulty comprehending that. My older child has been to only 2 birthday parties since starting school. I know full well that bullies exclude children from their parties, and that children who want to "get in" with the bullies also exclude children from parties.

I am defending a bullied child's right to not invite their bully.

None of us really know what the situation is in the op. lots of posters have said you have to be kind and invite the bullied. I say actually no you don't. Not if you want your bullied child to enjoy their birthday without their bully present.

lots of posters have said you have to be kind and invite the bullied

Was meant to say

lots of posters have said you have to be kind and invite the BULLY

In no way would I invite the child who has been hurtful towards my DS for the last three years - I dont say bullied as i do not believe he has targetted my son, he just hurts other children around him. I dont think he is a safer child to be around TBH he has really hurt other children using things found in the classroom.

I think the OP has been friends with someone who she has realised is not the person who she thought they were - IMO that is what is behind this. OP if you are still reading I think you will begin to 'see' other things about this person too. Its a bit disconcerting as you feel like you've been fooled to an extent.

I think that could be it Lego Ive had experience of how all this school gate stuff can get resulting in displays of petty exclusion and avoidance.

It is really low to use children.

I did exclude one child. It wasn't a whole class party but, as it happened the boy I excluded was the only child on DC's table who wasn't invited. I felt a bit guilty but he was unpredictable and could be violent at the drop of a hat. I didn't want to deal with that. He'd been put on that table in the hope that the others would be a good influence. They hated him because he kept pinching and kicking them under the table.

He's in prison now for taking a machete to a policeman.

Thats what the little boy is like in my DS's class - thank goodness they are not in the same class next year.

I don't invite people I dislike to my parties in the hope that things will improve. I leave them off the guest list. My children have the same rights to veto guests from their parties.

combust22 - goes back to the point though, if you didn't like 3 people in your work team, would you invite the remaining 20 to your party? Would you think that was a socially acceptable way to behave? And would you expect or not expect this to send a message to the three you "left off the guest list"?

Too right I would leave people out. It's unlikely though that I would want to socialise with 24 out of 25 workmates however- maybe half would get an invite.
I'm not going to have someone that I dislike or is nasty to me eating my food and drinking my drink.

We can actually choose our friends.

massive post with Maryz.

Yes, you can argue that your children have "rights" combust22, but does that mean there is no responsibility to others' feelings?

I find it hard to understand - maybe Im not that generous - why you would extend social invites to people child or adult who has repeatedly behaved in a way the majority of group of people find unacceptable. Where do you draw the line - does it depend what htye have done maybe?

If these people children or adults are continually accpeted socially depsite their behaviour does that not minimise what they have done - its ok to throw scissors or stab people with a pencil as i get invited to all the parties anyway? Reep what you sow comes to mind.

Im just wondering where the lesson is for the people who have been unkind to other in what ever way? I still would invite one particular child to DS's party as he hurts him on a regular basis, he says unkind things. I've taught my DS to empower himself, he has choices when it comes to who he is friends with and he definately does not chose this boy I have mentioned

Must say this thread has really got me thinking about DS's party this year. He hasn't had one for two years so not sure who to invite.

would not invite

"
Yes, you can argue that your children have "rights" combust22, but does that mean there is no responsibility to others' feelings?"

But others lose those rights when they cross certain boundaries. Would you invite all and sundry to a party just to spare feelings? Or do you choose to spend time with people who respect and don't abuse you?

andsmile - no-one is saying that you should invite people to a party if your child really doesn't want them there. What they are saying is that if you don't want all the children there, invite a smaller number, don't just exclude two or three from a class. Or if you are going to invite the whole class bar a very small minority, then it (a) sends a message to the children you exclude (which you may want it to if their behaviour is so awful) and (b) it probably isn't very constructive to make a point of excluding a bully as it is unlikely to cause them to modify their behaviour.

But if my children are not OK- if they are afraid to go to school because of those violent bullies- that doesn't matter? I should suck it up anyway and focus on the rehabilitiation of the bully?

I'm sorry but my child comes first.

Not being invited will not only send a message to the bully, but their parents too.

Well op I hope your not going to let your dc go to the party as that would be hypocritical considering how you feel about the parent....

YABU to drag out another boring childs party thread.

So again combust - would you invite all kids bar that one in order to send that message?