To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

[starterforeight]

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

It's not socially acceptable amongst people I know to knowingly exclude one person from a social outing.

It's not socially acceptable amongst people I know to bully.

I agree but again it comes back to two wrongs not making a right.

But i don't see the exclusion as a wrong.

No I think it just boils down to a child being able to choose who the hell she likes to her own party

But as I pointed out before, I expect in most cases it's not the bully being excluded but the socially awkward child/the foreign child/the "different" child."
In the very narrow scenario of whether or not to exclude a bully then I understand your decision but it wouldn't be what I would do.

So you would let your child invite the whole class except one child just because she didn't want to invite that one child? Nice. That's bullying.

Children should be free to invite whom they like to their party.

Perhaps those unclear about what bullying is would like to read this paragraph taken from the stopbullying.gov website:

www.stopbullying.gov/what-is-bullying/definition/index.html

Types of Bullying

There are three types of bullying:
Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes: Teasing
Name-calling
Inappropriate sexual comments
Taunting
Threatening to cause harm

Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes: Leaving someone out on purpose
Telling other children not to be friends with someone
Spreading rumors about someone
Embarrassing someone in public

Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes: Hitting/kicking/pinching
Spitting
Tripping/pushing
Taking or breaking someone’s things
Making mean or rude hand gestures

As others have said two wrongs do not make a right.

I see. As I thought, it's nothing to do with protecting your child. Just allowing them to exclude the unpopular child.

This is a minefield.
I've done this inadvertently - it was 5 children 'excluded'.
So DDs birthday party - expensive and limit was 20 children.
DD has 22 in her class - 13 girls.
Decided to make it an all girl party - there are 2-3 girls she doesn't really play with but worried about seemingly excluding them. She plays with 2 boys a lot, one outside school too. So invited them -but the day before doing the invites she fell out with one of them - said she didn't want him to come, she wouldn't change your mind - she was adamant.
Ahh maybe not fair to invite just one boy so told her to choose another one to invite ..she couldn't decide between two - she had been to their parties etc and they were really good friends with each other. So I said ok then invite both. Three days before the party she was really sad - her argument was over - she was sorry she hadn't invited the boy was friends with. So I invited him too - and then realised it had got to the point where it didn't seem like a girl's party anymore... Worse I realised 3 of the boys excluded were the 'naughty' boys ....thought maybe the parents would think I'd snubbed them deliberately - only thing that made it slightly more acceptable was I also hadn't invited the most popular boy but still if I could have invited them all by then I would have done...

I will not invite a bully that my son is afraid of to his party. To be punched, spat on and kicked.

Or are you saying there are children who are born bullies and no matter what is done you can't change them? Children who are born bad and enjoy being bad for no reason? where have I suggested that? But nature versus nurture isn't what we are talking about.

Maybe you should read my posts too?

If my child didn't want a person to come because they made her feel uncomfortable , they wouldn't be there.

I absolutely do not want to I still in my child that it's ok to be passive and turn the other cheek when some one has purposefully set out to upset them, to always put some ones else's needs and wants before their own. I want my child to understand that their feelings count and it's normal not to want to be around those that do.

If my child had decided for no other reason they didn't want x to attend just because she felt like it, it would be different.

THREE kids didn't get invited to a kids party. Big deal. Maybe they can group together and do something nice.

"Telling other children not to be friends with someone

Have ever seen the fall out from one of these episodes maryz?

That is indeed a symptom of bullying. It's not just physical.

Perhaps the excluded childrens' parents have form for turning up and staying with half a dozen younger siblings in tow. We don't know and the OP hasn't asked, which surprises me as she seems to know loads about the birthday child, the guests and the uninvited.

Why haven't you asked OP?

No , why would ?

I absolutely would not care a jot if my child had bullied, even moderately, about the feelings of the excluded child or his adult parents

*had been bullied

I would not invite my child's bully to a birthday party. Not to punish them or deliberately exclude them from their peers, but to make sure that my child enjoyed their party, free from fear and ridicule.

Maryz, if I understand you correctly, you're not saying I have a responsibility to invite someone to my home if I anticipate that they will attack or upset a member of my family.

But you are saying I have a responsibility to exclude a number of others - whom I would like to invite, who have done me no harm - so that the uninvited person does not realize that they are unwelcome in my house, and suffer psychological harm thereby. Is that correct?

Because if that person has gone out of their way to antagonise me / my child, it's unlikely I'll feel like taking on that responsibility.