To think a whole class except 3 party sends a very pointed message.....

[starterforeight]

I'm trying to get my head round this as it is affecting the way I see someone I know well.

I'd rather not say which part I am currently playing in all of this so as to get a truly non biased opinion.

The children concerned are more than old enough to notice who is and isn't invited to a party and much discussion takes place about who's going, what they're going to wear, what they're going to do.

andsmile- I totally agree.

I don't know how the hell anybody knows who has been invited or not. I maybe know if the kids of the parents I am standing with at pick up time are invited but that's about it.
Both my school age children have on occasion come home and said "best friend is going to X's party, but I'm not invited"
I give them a hug and a bit of sympathy and they've forgotten it by the next day.

who does this?

i think it's a really bad message to send to children that it's ok to exclude a few. as a parent, i wouldn't let my child do this. what sort of example does it set?

i can't think of a situation where this would be ok.

Maryz you sound just like my mother. I had to quietly accept and tolerate stuff because my mum failed to look out for my interests. Id rather have had no party then a party with bullies.

Iownathreeinchferrari Maryz you sound just like my mother. I had to quietly accept and tolerate stuff because my mum failed to look out for my interests. Id rather have had no party then a party with bullies.

If you read her posts, she's not advocating inviting everyone if the child is uncomfortable with it. Just not having a "whole class party" that excludes 1,2 or 3 children. It's really simple, and I'm not sure why people are failing to get that point.

Legosuperstar "Poor teachers, as if they haven't got enough to do actually educating the DC, they're expected to parent the parents and oversee party invitations."

Policy is probably the wrong word. The HT just made a clear statement asking parents to make sure either everyone is invited or just a few. I wouldn't expect the teachers to police it, because everyone is clear about what's considered appropriate and what's not. Obviously a parent is able to go against that if they wish, but it's clear to everyone that excluding small numbers of children is considered unhelpful and mean. It's a pastoral issue so it does affect the teachers.

To me this is so straightforward.

I've not read the thread as I think the answer to me is always going to be this regardless of circumstances:

As an adult it is simply not on to be so obviously excluding of a small group of primary aged children even if you may personally think one or more is like the kid off The Omen. It puts you in the role of the divide and rule style of bully yourself.

we exclude people from our lives every time we decide not to take that morning hello any fruther than that - for whatever reason. On a grander scale we exclude people from our society who deviate from the accepted norms - the worst end up in prison.

If you behave badly then there are consequences. I think it is fair to reflect this to a child as it represents our society. Obviously what the consequences are vary greatly. But if you hurt others around you, then they may not want to be your friend is a reasonable lesson to learn and if that includes missing out on an invite or two then so be it.

Hi. I'm a mum of a child who has been excluded in this way a few times, in the earlier years at school and looking objectively at the situation on each time I can honestly say I don't have a clue why my child was excluded each time. I have concluded that it's the parents trying to engineer who their child socialises with .

We've moved on. We no longer do whole class parties - I limit it to 9 friends of my child's choice and he tends to mix it up with a few from school and a few outside school. His birthday is in the winter months which is always a pain as I can't plan too far in advance in case it snows us out so it's usually an impromptu invite a week before the event.

I would never invite someone who was bullying my child or other children that we actually wanted at the party. I couldn't care less whether the parents of bullies got offended by that, those parents who don't understand why their children aren't entitled to invade and destroy every aspect of their victims lives are the reason their kids are the way they are.

I may feel sorry for bullies because they don't have a hope with parents who refuse to teach them right from wrong or have any concern for their impact on others, they'll suffer the long term consequences of being nasty and horrible, nobody will ever want to be around them. That's the bullies parents fault, not the victims or their parents. It's bad enough the victim has to endure their bully in the classroom, why on earth should their birthday be ruined or reduced to a tiny one to suit the bully? The world doesn't revolve around them, however much they may have been taught to think it's all about them, it's not. Other people have feelings too and the sooner they learn that the greater the chance they have of overcoming their parenting and becoming nice people.

In saying that, I suspect many cases of exclusion have nothing to do with bullying. They're probably the quiet/weird/extremely shy/slower/ weaker child who is more likely to be the bullied than the bully. For parents to leave a child out for any reason other than bullying or violence is cruel and unnecessary.

Really, a significant minority of people on this thread think it's OK to make a young child feel excluded "because they need to learn" or "that's life" whether they are struggling with their behaviour or not

For me it's not that. It's the fact of if my child was being bullied, they would know they would be able to enjoy their party, relaxed and happy rather than inviting some one who had made her upset just to look P.C. I would want my child to know I put her first before the feelings of someone that had made her unhappy. I don't want my kids to grow up selfless. Actions have consequences.

If you can't play nice - you don't go.

It's not a punishment though.It's not my position to punish other people's children. It's a consequence of their actions that means I don't want to give them the opportunity to spoil my child's day.

If you are nasty to a friend she stops inviting you for coffee. It's how things happen in the world.

Once again maryz not every child who has behavioural difficulties has some kind if SN, I really wish people would stop assuming they have.

I wasn't a pleasant child when I was in my primary years. My teacher used to ask if I'd seen my mother that weekend as my behaviour was spiteful and antagonistic. I could be very horrid to class mates and a few times didn't get invited to parties and rightly so.

I didn't have SN but I did have reasons why I was like that. But that still doesn't excuse bad behaviour.

But it's also spiteful to exclude just one child from a full class party.

And I think all this talk of excluding the bully is a red herring anyway because I guarentee that 99% of the time the excluded child is the unpopular, bullied child.

I can't say it is spiteful. It is not a malicious act. It is done to preserve the safety and enjoyment of my child.

I wouldn't invite a bully to my DCs party either. I just wouldn't have a full class party that year. To exclude one child is bullying, spiteful and two wrongs don't make a right.

So your child and other must miss out to spare the feelings of the bully?

It's not to spare the feelings of the bully. It because, to exclude one child is a horrible thing to do and I'd rather teach my child to be the bigger person.

tark-a so you invite people to your home that you don't like and find offensive so you can "be the bigger person"?

If I was inviting the people I shared an office with, i would never exclude just one person - it's rude.