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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think children shouldn't choose if they have contact with NRP if no welfare concerns?

353 replies

HopeYoureHappy · 23/07/2014 13:46

DP has a contact order regarding his 7 and 9 year old children. Their mum has constantly breached it and uses the reason that it's the childrens choice - for example - DS doesn't want phone contact, he's busy on the iPad, DD has decided she'd rather go to her friends party and she wants me to take her, DS doesn't want to come because you don't have a paddling pool and he thinks he'll get too hot Confused

Sometimes it's both DC that don't come, sometimes just one. Last time DD 'didn't feel likeit' and when DS ddiscussed a planned and paid for day out next week, he asked if DD was coming and DP replied 'no idea, she'll be the one missing out if she chooses not to.' AIBU to think that this is the wrong attitude and that the DC shouldn't be able to choose whether they come for contact any more than they can choose whether or not to go to school? They are always happy here and there's no welfare concerns but they are very much manipulated by their mum who bribes them to stay ('we could've gone to Thorpe park, but you're going to your dad's...) and tells them she'll ne lonely without them.

DP seems resigned to this messing around but they are back in court for review next month and I think he should ask the judge to ensure that DSC mum must adhere to the order and not put the DC in the middle. What do you think?

OP posts:
IneedAwittierNickname · 23/07/2014 17:55

If my dc have a party to attend then they have the option of party or daddy's house (despite only living a 10 min drive away he refuses to take them).
Other than that they have to have a very good reason not to go when they are meant to.

ScarlettDragon · 23/07/2014 18:15

"You might be carrying their half sibling"

Hmm This kind of attitude really fucks me off! Angry Like if siblings have only 1 parent in common it makes them less of a sibling than siblings who share 2 parents. My DSD has 4 siblings (2 on both sides) and no "full" siblings, does that mean that she doesn't have any real siblings? It must be so wonderful for all those perfect MNers up there in their ivory towers with their perfect relationships that won't ever break up ever and of course their children are all FULL siblings which obviously are much more important than crappy half siblings. AngryHmm

FidelineAndBombazine · 23/07/2014 18:24

This kind of attitude really fucks me off!

Yeah science fucks me off too. Physics give me the rage, biochemistry biols my bodily fluids and do not talk to me about astrophysics! Hmm

hamptoncourt · 23/07/2014 18:26

If my DC don't want to see their Dad then they don't have to go. However, I should stress that they have to tell him themselves, explaining their reasons. I am usually pissed off they aren't going

My XH would far rather they didn't come the odd weekend because it's someone's sleepover or whatever, than feel bullied into going to his and sitting there feeling resentful.

I cannot imagine what sort of parents would want to drag their DC protesting into a car and carting them off for an unwanted stay. And I can't imagine what sort of parent would want to be on the receiving end of that either.

GatoradeMeBitch · 23/07/2014 18:30

It pisses me of too Scarlett, best not even broach the subject of those icky adopted kids! Grin

I have 2 step-siblings on my Dad's side who are strangers to me, 4 on my Mum's, who are as close to me as 'proper' siblings. I've been there their whole lives. I know they don't see me as inferior or different.

Castlemilk · 23/07/2014 18:31

Keep a detailed record of all the missed contact times and the reason given.

When you go back to court, make an application for residency based on the fact that the mother is attempting parental alienation.

LadySybilLikesCake · 23/07/2014 18:34

"I cannot imagine what sort of parents would want to drag their DC protesting into a car and carting them off for an unwanted stay. And I can't imagine what sort of parent would want to be on the receiving end of that either." The last time ds saw his father it was another drop of the hat visit where ds has to leave his friend in a games shop. Ds wanted to get back to him so asked more than once (4 times IIRC) how long they would be, resulting in his father shouting and swearing in his face in the middle of the city centre. Ds didn't want to see him again, not surprisingly.

FidelineAndBombazine · 23/07/2014 18:38

It pisses me of too Scarlett, best not even broach the subject of those icky adopted kids!

Who hides the biological truth from adopted DC any more?! Nobody, I hope.

LongTimeLurking · 23/07/2014 18:42

YANBU. Of course the kids wont want to come over and stay if their mother is letting them go to parties or sit around playing on the IPAD instead.

It is like the opposite of the 'weekend dad' thing where he only does fun stuff with the kids leaving the woman to do all the mundane shit.

At 7 and 9 they should not have the choice of saying 'no' unless safety or abuse is an issue. They need a relationship with their dad and they wont get it unless they spend time together.

needaholidaynow · 23/07/2014 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charley50 · 23/07/2014 19:28

Only got up to page 4 but no OP YANBU! They are being manipulated into feeling guilty if they go to their dads. That is not on. My DS goes to his dad's EOW and I never try and make him feel bad about it (tbh I enjoy the break). It is a 4 hour round trip each way that we share but still I dont complain. He has a family there and they do family stuff. And FFS of course the OP can be concerned.
My partners ex was a little like this and would cry when saying goodbye to her DD when she came to visit :-(

EarthWindFire · 23/07/2014 19:30

Who hides the biological truth from adopted DC any more?! Nobody, I hope.

I'm sure they don't and I'm also sure if there are any 'biologically related' children of the fily the adopted child isn't told they aren't their sibling either.

cardibach · 23/07/2014 19:45

I am seriously gobsmacked by this thread. I can't believe there are mothers who don't think it is important that children have a relationship with their (living) fathers. I think less of MN tonight. Un-fucking-believable. And remember I am a lone parent whose ex left for another woman. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

LadySybilLikesCake · 23/07/2014 19:49

I'd say most people are in favour of a father - child relationship, cardi.

Frogisatwat · 23/07/2014 19:50

It rankles with me too cardibach.

cardibach · 23/07/2014 19:54

Doesn't seem like it here LadySybil. Lots saying it is inessential and very young DCs should be able to veto a visit because they fancy playing X box or something. It's disgusting. Contact is non-negotiable, although should be flexible.

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/07/2014 19:54

Not read the thread, but there are time my DC don't want to go to school, or go to bed and a lot of other things. I think it's ridicules to allow a child to determine what they do.

Passthewineandchocolate · 23/07/2014 19:56

After reading the first few pages I think people are being really hard on the OP. I'm a step Mum. My dsc visit us lots and always have but a lot if that is because their Mum wants a break so has encouraged them. A lot of the time they would probably rather sit in the computer or play with their friends at their Mum's house but that's more laziness on their part. Can't be bothered to pack their stuff up to visit their Dad. They are part if out family too, we want to see them. Their (half) sibling wants to see them. It's important for them to maintain a close relationship with the NRP and they can't do they are being manipulated into not visiting.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2014 19:58

Kim82 that is different your dd dad was emotionally abusive to her, in those circumstances a child should not be put in that situation, where tgey are made to feel bad and are emotionally neglected.

Frogisatwat · 23/07/2014 20:00

Also its a bloody contact order ffs!!! But in the world of some mn'ers its absolutely fine not to go along with it...

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2014 20:00

I hope Kim, that your dd does not see her father. I will get flamed for saying thus but, I would not let ds see the father either, until he treats them both the same.

BruthasTortoise · 23/07/2014 20:01

As a SM you are in a prime position here to completely exclude your DSC from your family life (which is of course what all is SMs actually want) and have a perfect little intact family with your DP and your three children - all you have to do is not mention any concerns about what their DM is doing, gently encourage your DP just to go with the flow and gradually dwindle contact down to nothing.

Hmm

Of course you won't do that as like many many SMs you want your DPs children to be included in your family because they ARE family. You want your DC to know their siblings and you want your DP to have a strong, positive relationship with all his DC. How evil and interfering does that make you?

LadySybilLikesCake · 23/07/2014 20:01

Sad Poor dad's (and children). Why should they be denied a chance to spend time with each other. Admittedly, ds doesn't see his. I'd never withhold contact though, it's not a RP's choice to make.

ScarlettDragon · 23/07/2014 20:09

FidelineAndBombazine I honestly don't if you're being sarcastic or something else. Confused

EarthWindFire · 23/07/2014 20:17

It rankles with me too cardibach.

And me Sad