It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

futureponyclubmum At that age I'd have no problem, as it would be difficult to leave a 2 month old baby with a childminder, and could prove impossible. But equally, if the baby had been unsettled recently or ill, as you say, I would hope the parents would make a sound judgment as to whether the baby could sit through a ceremony without getting upset.

I don't think all Spanish parents are like this. I don't know many who co-sleep with children, and I don't think the parents of my friends did, either

Very few Spanish parents co-sleep, just like the UK, but acceptance of children is much greater everywhere

Maybe not at a botellon, but do parents go to botellones? :) I would probably say that upon having your first child botellones should stop! :) And of course, you won't take them to a club/bar with you at 3am. As you know, people in Spain have children much later anyway, normally mid-30s. Few people go clubbing at that age

We don't have any little kids in either family so it's not a problem, but in that case I would have them at the ceremony, being close family and all.

Then why even consider saying "no children at the ceremony"? Older children aren't going to be an issue.

Thisis

I do think (hope) that this is largely an issue on Mumsnet and not in the real world.

I've got loads of friends and family (she boasts!) and I've never heard any grumbles about this. Some couples invite kids, some don't. I see a huge plus either way. Love hitting the dancefloor with my three dc, love hitting the bar without them!

In truth and here's a tip, the only grumbles I've heard about weddings IRL is when they are too drawn out and guests are left waiting around without being fed and watered eg during the photos or in between wedding breakfast and evening party.

BomChickaMeowMeow The only children affected would be little ones (aged 6 and under), no-one attending the ceremony has older children. :)

mijas I think some do, I didn't go to lots though. I went to one or two, and just found the music to be too loud, and I'm not a big drinker. One of my friends who has a baby and is in his thirties, was always asking me to go out clubbing, but I think he was unusual. Not in a bad way though. But lots of 'older' Spanish people still like to go out.
I know this is completely off tangent (I miss Spain!) but I had a little figurine from Semana Santa and one of my friends (here) gasped and said "Why do you have that?!" You can guess what she thought it was!

I've got loads of friends and family (she boasts!) and I've never heard any grumbles about this.

This is good to know, I'm hoping no-one will be put out with us!

P.s. you are under the TOTALLY MISTAKEN IMPRESSION that everyone refers to the evening do as "the reception" THEY DO NOT.... most refer to the bit AFTER the ceremony as the reception and the other as the evening do.....

Bears repeating...

If the wedding was relatively near to me then I would just skip the ceremony and come to the party with the kids, if it was further then I'd just politely decline the whole shebang and probably be quite grateful for the excuse.

I am in the 'your day, your rules' camp. However, all I would add is, when you have a child free wedding, you have to accept that some people simply won't be able to come, not everyone has childcare available - and if that happens, please don't be upset with them!

(Not that I'm still bitter about my sister who is still distant with me after I was unable to attend her child-free wedding 250 miles away as no childcare!)

Well I think this is the thing GobblersKnob (what a name! ), I think a lot of the people who take issue with 'childfree' are people who are looking for excuses not to go. People who just don't like weddings - whether it's the expense or the faff or the socialising. So maybe the amount of people genuinely offended by 'childfree' isn't very high, but more any slight obstacle put in the way means declining the invite.

I think you have to think in detail about who you are inviting and plan your day so as to make sure the guests have the best time possible. Make your guests your priority and you will have a fantastic day.

How old the kids are. Are they likely to be a problem in the church/venue? Will the parents take them outside if they get too noisy? Is it going to be a problem for guests to not come to the ceremony (i.e. distance/childcare)? Is the reception venue child-friendly? Are there big gaps while they have to wait around for photos to be taken? How are they getting between the ceremony and reception?

I'm pretty used to weddings all being child free these days so unless it was a godparent or a family member I would not argue it. In fact I would be happy for an excuse to have a day off!!

I think that you are going to have some explaining to do if you would have little ones there that are close family, but not have the little ones of friends. Because then it is not merely all about noise and disruption.

Are they likely to be a problem in the church/venue? Will the parents take them outside if they get too noisy? Is it going to be a problem for guests to not come to the ceremony (i.e. distance/childcare)? Is the reception venue child-friendly? Are there big gaps while they have to wait around for photos to be taken? How are they getting between the ceremony and reception?

Honestly, there is a big chance that the kids would be noisy. If there are others on DP's side, I couldn't comment. Both guests have large families who won't be coming, so childcare wouldn't be a problem. They may have to wait for photos as we haven't organised that yet, wouldn't be too long, though. It's all in the same venue. :)

At this thread in the past few hours.... I went out for lunch and came back to a scene from the Somme.

Why does anyone bother to get married at all?? apart from me whose wedding was perfect, obviously

I'm sorry, i haven't finished the thread yet but just had to point out the following to whoever it wad who said you were a diva.

I fail to see how having the wedding you want (i.e. child free) is any more diva like than throwing a strop because you cannot bring your children to someone else wedding. If your wishes trump everyone elses on one day, its your wedding day.

It's your wedding day, of course it's all about you, you're being kind enough to invite people to share your day, ceremony and celebration. So do it any way you want!

If people have childcare issues they can make the choice to decline if they want to. They're big enough to figure out what they want to do. Nor do you have to pretend to be charmed by a toddler screaming, running up and down the aisle and their parent defiantly giving you the 'children make weddings don't they' look while you try to hear your vows. Some people love that. Some don't. It's personal preference and that's fine. If you don't enjoy it and wouldn't find it cute, don't do it.

I wouldn't enjoy it, I don't think a wedding is all about the kids under five, and I doubt the kids under five making a racket have much concept of what's going on other than being bored, which is probably why they're making the racket, or will remember much about it. You'll remember that day forever. The kids will be fine doing something else on that day. As for the posters saying they find weddings without children boring - I bet the bride and groom didn't find it boring. This IS about you, own it and go enjoy it without guilt. You're not doing this purely to try and keep every guest happy, and it won't be possible to do so.

If you want to have a childfree wedding, of course do so. It's v normal these days. I would prefer my children to be included. I wouldn't challenge it but I'd probably decline.

TBH there is little value to anyone in inviting an 18 month old to your evening reception, having excluded them from the rest of the day. I'm guessing it'll start about the child's bedtime, known as "witching hour" in our house. If you're going to make them 2nd tier guests, both children are much more likely to behave well at the daytime meal than at a past-their-bedtime party, and daytime would be logistically much easier for their parents. It is about you, not your friends with children, at the end of the day. Which is fine, just don't pretend otherwise. Very frustrating when B&G think they are being enormously accommodating to parents when they're not. Everyone ends up feeling like a martyr. You are free to do what you want but my advice is invite children to the meal or not at all.

Personally i like a completely child free wedding - mine was bar my own ds (who started babbling when the registrar asked about objections - funny because it was our own child but i would have been really pissed off if that was someone elses child).

I actually think its quite nice to still let them to the evening do (i still would bring my ds but it should placate others)

*wouldnt

We had a child free wedding. We allowed small babies (of which two attended) but if we'd invited all the kids we'd have had 40 extras (7 and under) who really did not want to be hanging around a beautiful pub all day.

We had a few people who chose not to attend - my cousins to be exact. I was not at all offended by the fact they couldn't attend, I was offended by the snide comments they made about only doing things as a family and not understanding why we couldn't make an exception for their kids. I assume they wanted us to be rude to our other guests who had made arrangements for their children so they could attend.

We've been invited to a wedding like this, it's a fucking nightmare. Miles from home, DD only invited to the evening celebration (where she will be provided with a meal, and they 'hope' the venue will accommodate her allergies). DH's friend so he feels he should be there but hates wedding ceremonies. I love weddings but won't know anyone else there, so will be billy no mates if he's outside with her. No family available to look after her for the whole day so she's coming with me to some kind of park/indoor play centre before dinner. She will love the dancing but I'm annoyed that by excluding DD, I have been excluded.

Creche is a good idea, if you really can't bear the idea of having children there (think you're being precious but your wedding obvs), because it is likely either people with kids will not be able to come to the ceremony, or one half of each couple won't. So it depends if you want those people there when you take your vows?

If its a church, you know that anyone who wants can go to the ceremony, although hopefully friends would respect your wishes..

Be prepared that many people, especially the older generation view the ceremony as an open to the public event & so may bring children anyway.

My parents in law were invited to a child free wedding last week. They look after dneice during the school holidays whilst sil & bil work so travelled up for just the ceremony with her but didn't attend the reception.