It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

As long as the couple don't then get the hump about poor attendance

mamalovebird I was thinking of getting a hairdresser on the day, haven't even thought about hairstyles yet, my hair has a tendency to do what it likes! I do know things can go wrong, but we're not having anything at the ceremony apart from our vows, and a little music. But I'm prepared for people being ill/car alarms/whatever may come!

ChasedByBees As far as I know it does, well two who wouldn't want to leave their DC at home, at the moment anyway. It's not meant to be hurtful though, I'm happy to discuss it with them if they ask, and if they feel in any way put out, I hope they do ask to talk about it so we can assure them otherwise. :)

culturemulcher I bet it would be me! I so often have the cold/a cough, and usually in summer, weirdly.

I had a hairdresser! It was just one of those days!

Vows and music - it'll be 20 mins then!

It's totally your call of course, but I'd just have a word with the parents and reiterate you'd like quiet as it's going to be over so quick so you want to savour the moment, so could they make sure they take out their child if they start being disruptive.

It's natural to be wrapped up in a bubble of excitement planning your wedding, I was exactly the same, and probably tried to plan too much detail but actually on the day, everything just happens and if you have considerate friends who you've briefed in full, they'll be happy to make sure that an ill-timed tantrum doesn't ruin your 'I do'!

It's not entitled or PFB at all saucyjack - having a hierarchy of guests isn't on. Either you want to share 'your' day with people or you don't. If restriction on numbers is due to cost/space, fair enough, but more often than not it's not.

To the vast majority of guests your 'special day' is just another wedding, yet they come to share it with you, spend lots of money on travel/clothes/presents etc. Why not afford them the same courtesy?

If this was me, it would depend where the wedding was and whether it was friends or family.

if it was in our own town we could probably get a babysitter for a couple of hours to look after dd.

if it was elsewhere, and it was a family wedding then either dp or i (depending whose side of the family it was) would take dd somewhere else while the ceremony was on. If it was a mutual friend we would probably both miss the ceremony.

it depends how much it would bother you that some of your friends and family wouldn't be able to come to the ceremony? I wouldn't mind missing the ceremony to be honest, i find them quite boring

It's not entitled or PFB at all saucyjack - having a hierarchy of guests isn't on.

So, if you want to have a child-free wedding, you can't extend an exclusive invitation to your niece or nephew? Seriously?

But it's not a child-free wedding if there's kids there, Boots! If you want to invite niece/nephew then do it but don't claim its a child-free wedding!

The 'child-free' wedding we went to last year was like this - even the words 'child-free' used on the invite. Each to their own, we went without DD. And on the day, there were the bride's niece & nephew (about 3/4 ish). Don't lie and say its a child-free wedding when it's not, that gets peoples' backs up (as it did with us, the couple next to us at the table who came without kids, and no doubt other guests).

I'm not a fan of weddings without kids but as I said upthread, you can't please everyone.

If someone invited me to a wedding but not my children then I wouldn't be going. And I would be wondering whether that person was actually someone I wanted to be part of my life anyway

This is an awful thing to say and a total over-reaction. Do you take your kids everywhere with you? Out to dinner with friends etc? It's much the same thing

Absolutely. I would wonder if you were one of those couples who sit in silence in a restaurant as you have nothing to talk about because everything revolves around your kids. I adore my DC but totally appreciate having time off occasionally, I think it's a good thing. And to be honest taking my toddler to a wedding is much harder work. Not having childcare is different obviously, that can't be helped, but purely to not go because your kids haven't been invited I find...weird. My friends lives don't revolve around my children.

Oh wait, so kids aren't invited to the reception either, just to the evening do?

that changes things a bit. If the wedding was local we would try to get a babysitter for the whole day, i wouldn't take dd just to the evening do as she is tired and cranky by 6pm. If it wasn't local we probably wouldn't be able to go.

These threads just make me more and more convinced that should I ever get married, I will elope.

You want a child-free wedding, you have one.

You want a family children only wedding, you have one.

Your want every child known to man, and you can afford it, have them.

Have what YOU want. As long as you are prepared that some people may decline, then that's fine. I don't understand why some people, and at least one PP said that "weddings are about families". Thing is, not everyone HAS a family. Or has children. Are people who are staunch free not allowed to have a wedding because, you know, weddings are about families and if you don't have kids you aren't a real family?

Quite frankly, it's no one else's business but your own when you're footing the bill. Would you invite people to a dinner party and say "bring all your kids"? Unlikely, I suggest, and I see no reason why a wedding should be any different. It's glorified dinner party. And the host decides who they want and what they want.

Parents invited to ceremony and meal afterwards then go home or to babysitters pick up DC, go back to venue with DC to the party. OP are you having any other 'evening' guests or is just the 18 month old and 6 year old and what time is the party?

If I were invited to a child-free wedding, arranged for a babysitter for my own children and arrived to find there were two children who were close relatives of the B&G - I would not care. I'd be happy for a child-free day.

There are always "honored guests" at a wedding. Mother of the bride, maid of honor, people who give speeches, etc. It's just normal.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos Well yes, the majority of our guests are coming in the evening. I'm not sure when it will be yet, I would imagine the evening do would start around 6ish? We haven't planned that much yet in terms of when things will start, apart from the ceremony itself.

We were going to invite kids to the party to show that we have nothing against kids in general, just not at the ceremony. Clearly that will cause more problems so we won't do it

If I can say so, I think you're very wise. Unfortunately you'll never please everyone; there's usually someone who'll say "yes, but ..." and even get upset if they don't get exactly what they want, so the only solution is decide what to do, make it clear on the invitations and then stick to it

I was always taught that if you accept an invitation, you either accept it in all its parts or you decline; what you don't do is start "bargaining" about which bits suit and which don't. I've generally found this quite useful ...

NotNewButNameChanged I wouldn't disagree, eloping would be much easier!

Thanks Puzzledandpissedoff, I suppose thinking about it, friends with kids will know we don't dislike them, since they're close enough to know that.

I think you should just go for child free, there aren't many children in the equation anyway, and your original plan of inviting them to the latest part only would make things harder for your average parents of young children. Having them looked after all day, then getting them dressed up for an evening party without many other children there, no children's entertainment, and adults who will have already been drinking for a while won't be a particularly alluring invite for the child, and is logistically difficult for the parents too- one of them will have to pass up the alcohol that is laid on with the meal and have to pay for the one or two drinks they'll then be able to have at the evening do whilst responsible for their child...

We had a childfree wedding.

Despite what some people on Mumsnet say, this was NOTHING to do with wanting all the attention on me or demanding total silence during the vows.

It was so that all our friends could have a massive big fun night out, all expenses taken care of including hotel rooms for those outside of London where we live, without their children. They had six months to arrange childcare, everyone was happy and we had a BLAST til 3am.

(I do agree with what most are saying though about keeping it all or nothing or it's more faff for parents to find childcare for part of it then having to leave the party early anyway if their kids are there.)

Absolutely. I would wonder if you were one of those couples who sit in silence in a restaurant as you have nothing to talk about because everything revolves around your kids

The whole point is that our children at the restaurant with us ;) so we are lucky to get a word in edgeways

Another point is that if you decide to EBF and co-sleep with your children (as we do) then you don't get a minute without your kids until they are 3, 4 or 5 - whenever you decide to send them to their own rooms.

That's not a problem in societies which accept chidren everywhere and at any time. I can see how this lifestyle would inhibit you in the UK.

That's not a problem in societies which accept chidren everywhere and at any time. I can see how this lifestyle would inhibit you in the UK.

I don't think all Spanish parents are like this. I don't know many who co-sleep with children, and I don't think the parents of my friends did, either. Children are more welcome in bars, at parties/festivals and such, but children aren't accepted everywhere. You wouldn't take your children to feria then stay with them for the botellón.
I don't think British parents are at all inhibited, it's just differences in cultures.

Oh and honestly re 'they lied about it being childfree'!!!

For gawd's sake, what did you want them to write on the invite 'childfree except for my niece and nephew' or '96% childfree'?

Get a grip! Of course the couple might well want their own kids or close family kids there, it's not lying.

You'd think people might actually want their friends and family to have the wedding they want without being judged and moaned about.

Off-topic sorry, but that said, when I moved out, my first dueña did mother me!

Its your wedding, your choice. I didn't really want people at my wedding full stop (there was just 9 of us in the end!), people understood and no-one hates me for it as far as I know.

Some people might not be able to arrange child care and might not be able to come especially those with very young babies. If they are good enough friends/loving relatives then they'll be happy for you anyway. Having children not at the ceremony but at the reception I think would prove logistisically more tricky unless you were willing to provide a creche/child minder for the ceremony part. I went to one wedding where they had this for the duration and it worked very well, parents could let their hair down knowing someone else had a (sober) eye on their toddler.

I've got a good friend getting married when I will have a 2mth old baby. I said straight up if she didn't want babies at her wedding I'd completely understand but at that age we'd come as a package. Lovely person that she is, she's more than happy to have us both but if baby's late/ill/there are other complications then we might not be going at all and if that happens I know she won't begrudge me that either.

backbystealth This is what we want, for people to have fun, not to turn round and say "well ceremonies bore me anyway" and not coming due to the kids issue.
We don't have any little kids in either family so it's not a problem, but in that case I would have them at the ceremony, being close family and all.