It's a children at weddings AIBU...

[Thisisntmyrealnamexy]

I did search threads before posting this, but there was nothing recent and nothing that matched my situation exactly. I know this is a recurring topic, so sorry.

I'm getting married, still a while away, we haven't sent out invitations. But DP and I have both agreed that we don't want to have children at the ceremony. We're happy to have them at the reception.
I know that people will always take their child outside if they start crying/talking/generally making noise during the ceremony, but it isn't a risk either of us want to take, as once the ceremony has been interrupted, you can't really get that back. Especially if it's when you're saying your vows.

We plan to make this clear on invitations, and guests will be notified well in advance. I'm worried as a couple of guests have already expressed how much their children will enjoy the ceremony, and of course we're going to have to tell them, if they ask, that we're not inviting children.

I don't want to cause upset, but this is something DP and I have agreed on and won't be changing. So my question is, would this bother you? Would you challenge it? I'm wondering what to expect. Sorry for being vague as well (I post a lot - name-changed), but I don't want to out myself with specifics.

Sorry, plans were not plans was!

I've been reading some replies, and okay, I did overreact. I was almost crying but that is just me. I overthink things, try to make everyone happy and end up getting upset. I've had to go away do something for work and feeling less insulted now.

We were going to invite kids to the party to show that we have nothing against kids in general, just not at the ceremony. Clearly that will cause more problems so we won't do it. Thanks for pointing these things out, that's why I asked and now I know. :)

Self centred entitled egoists are incongruous with my chi. Bless. Oh Slarti, this cheered me up, as it proves that people on the internet who don't know me really can't judge.

It seems like you are worrying about one, individual 18 month old spoiling your wedding (I'm sure the 6 year old wouldn't make a noise!)

I don't see why you have to make blanket bans about one child. Just speak to his or her parents, say you are really worried about noise and would they mind sitting at the back. Or arrange another room for them to sit in during the ceremony.

I don't agree it is "easier" to make the whole thing child free. I think it is nice to invite them to the reception afterwards - they don't have to come if it is more hassle for the parents than they think it is worth, but it is nice to be welcoming if you can.

If I was invited to a wedding where my children had to miss the ceremony, we would probably all come along, and DH or I would wait with the DC and then we would all enjoy the reception. Whereas with a completely child free wedding, then either DH or I would have to stay at home with the DC.

This is such a British thing isn't it. In other countries children are welcomed at all family events, and as such I believe learn early on how to behave and parents know the limits of what is acceptable.

It just seems odd to me for a couple to get married ie become a family unit and more than likely have children themselves. Their marriage is a celebration of becoming that unit and it just seems odd to exclude the products (children) of families who are little further down the road than you are.

As you get older weddings are often one of the few times you get together with old friends and family - it's not JUST about the couple, it's a party for everyone you've invited and I know I've always wanted to introduce my children to people.

Having said all that, it's your wedding and you should do as you please.

This is an awful thing to say and a total over-reaction. Do you take your kids everywhere with you? Out to dinner with friends etc? It's much the same thing.

Well yes, actually. They are 5 months and 2 years old. Given that they will be/were breastfed until 2 then it's pretty impossible to leave them behind, and if we did, they would be miserable

Luckily we live in a country that welcomes children at all events, even eveing meals and weddings so we don't miss out on anything

Thank you KristinaM, that's really nice. :) To be honest, I'd be happy marrying DP in the spare bedroom, as long as it happens. We want friends and family to be involved, which is what the ceremony is for, and DP loves the idea of a ceremony, which ultimately I do too. Ideally, I want my parents, family and close friends there.

Sadly, parents cannot be trusted to behave rationally where their precious DC are concerned. Many a wedding has been interrupted by squalling babies and toddlers who are allowed to do ad they please. DD was at a wedding at the weekend where a 3 year old could only be placated with an ipad, WITH SOUND ON.

I agree with either inviting them to the whole thing or not at all. Most people are considerate about not taking crying babies and shouty toddlers into wedding ceremonies. But there's the odd few with this my child has the right to ...... And that probably spoils it for everyone and makes people opt for no children weddings.

I'd rather have the kids there for the inevitably quite dull ceremony than for the evening. The evening is for drinking and dancing and chatting, not chasing kids around the dance floor then having to leave at 9 to take them to bed

Other countries do have child free weddings. Certainly I've known of child free weddings in Australia,New Zealand,Canada and the U.S. Also I remember a poster living in Italy who said she'd been to a wedding there which was child free.

Besides even if it is just a British thing,so what? It's hardly Herod demanding the slaughter of the innocents.

The best wedding I went to was a few weeks ago. It was on a farm, babies, toddlers, everyone was invited, even and this is no lie...guest's dogs.
When I receive an invite I mentally put them into one of 2 groups. The first, nice and easy for the guest wedding. 2. Bit of a pain in the arse wedding. I have always found the atmosphere and fun factor higher at the weddings that fall into group 1.

mijas Usted es española...? I should have guessed by the name. Been in the UK too long!

Oh, and the child was from one of these 'other' countries, you know, the ones where children learn how to behave.

Thisisntmyrealnamexy. Unsurprisingly most of the guests,with and without children,had disappeared by 9. Bridezilla was furious,but she only had herself to blame.

I don't have a problem with child free weddings and enjoy attending them, but I also think it should be an all or nothing. Either have a grown up event where everyone can enjoy themselves without worrying about children or make children feel welcome. I'd be quite offended if my DS wasn't welcome at the ceremony but could come afterwards because he couldn't be trusted not to interrupt the vows or readings - he's old enough to know how to behave. And getting childcare just for the ceremony could be a complete faff.

I wouldn't complain to the bride and groom in this situation but I suspect I would politely decline and secretly think they were being a bit precious

I did go to a wedding once where the vicar said at the start that children were most welcome, but that he was keen that everyone could enjoy the service so suggested that those with young children might want to sit near the back so they could easily take their children out if they were being noisy. That worked quite well.

The 'moment' can be interrupted in all sorts of ways - noise outside (car alarm at a wedding I attended), someone with a really bad cough/cold, the congregation giggling because of the way the traditional kilt wearing groom is sitting, the celebrant cocking up your vows (my own wedding). None of these ruined the wedding.

It is up to you what you do though, but don't be offended if some people don't come.

I really think it depends on how many of your friends have children. When DH and I married, we were both in our early twenties and just didn't know anyone with children. We specified a child-free wedding and the only person who didn't come as a result was a distant cousin who I'd never met. It was absolutely fine and nobody minded, because nobody needed to mind.

If we specified child-free now (mid-thirties) that would create difficulties for most of our friends and quite a few of our close relatives. So if we were getting married now, it would be an event with children included. It would be just as much 'our day' as it was back then.

I don't think there can be a catch-all children included/ not included rule. If you start by assuming that any parents of young children won't come if their children aren't invited (not because they're being petty or offended - they just can't leave them) and then think whether you could have the kind of day you want without those people. If the answer is 'no' then you have to plan to have children at the wedding.

mijas Usted es española...?

I'm not, but my DP is :)

Look, at the end of the day, please do what you are comfortable with.

When we organised our wedding we made the children of our extended families the focus of the weeding, full of games etc, because that is what gives people joy and unites people (especially when they don't speak the same language). But that is what my family and my DP's family have in common, a love for children

Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding nuptials OP! I hope that you and your partner have as wonderful a day as we did.

I refused to invent the (vile) children of friends and only had nephews there under sufferance. When asked why I wasn't having bridesmaids/pageboys etc I told people I wanted the congregation to look at me cos I was the bride!

It was the happiest day of my life and my friends made alternative plans for their DCs. I only plan to have one wedding and I got the one I wanted. Hurrah.

And if any of the people with DCs give off, say "ahhhhhh shame you can't come" and smile brightly.

The only two people who have a right to dictate the rules for ONE day are the Bride and her mother, no! The Groom! ??

That sounds like a good solution, OP. We'll done for taking stock and realising that people were pointing out genuine problems rather than being nasty for the sake of things. I hope your wedding goes well :)

indigo18 If mijas is referring to Spain, then honestly, kids can misbehave just as much as kids anywhere, really. There is perhaps more of a tendency to have a big event with lots of people invited, e.g. the whole 'community', but it is down to personal opinion in the end. I agree that kids anywhere can be well-behaved or not, it's not to do with where you live.

MilkandCereal I'm not surprised either, sounds awful! The last time I was told I had to remain seated (minus air travel ) was in school!

All or nothing. Picking bits of the day that they can and can't attend is a nightmare logistically. Dh was best man once for his (former) friend. Our 4 year old DS wasn't invited but we also had a newborn DD. First, she wasn't invited at all so I declined but they knew that would mean DH would leave early, then she was only allowed to the ceremony, then it was the ceremony and meal but had to be 'picked up' by 4pm before the speeches so we could get drunk party with the newlyweds. we only lived about 5 miles from the venue but the to-ing and fro-ing all afternoon was awful for me as DH had a list of other duties to attend to. The bride literally planned the day by the minute. It felt nothing like the celebration it was meant to be. We aren't friends with them anymore as the whole thing left a sour taste and we've drifted apart.

We had kids at our wedding and left it up to the parents to decide if they wanted them to attend. I made up little activity bags with snacks in there to keep them busy for the service which the ushers gave out as they were going into the ceremony hall. If it's a civil service, it probably won't last more than 30 minutes - our was 35mins with two readings.

A six year old will be happily entertained with an ipad/tablet game for half an hour (on mute obviously).

And as for messing up the ceremony - any person could do that on the day. On my wedding day, DS woke up with slapped cheek syndrome (cue sitting in a doctor surgery two hours before the ceremony) which meant we had to let all the pregnant guests know so they couldn't come. My hair was a disaster, My DH started repeating my vows, my brother read the wrong reading and his speech was crap, our usher messed up the song at the end of the ceremony and the registrar gave out the wrong meeting place for guests. But every person has said it was one of the best, most relaxed wedding they've ever been to.

How ridiculous that anyone would feel the need to defend not inviting children to their wedding.

If people don't want to leave their children for a day, then they can skip the wedding. Easy peasy.

I wouldn't challenge or mention it but I would decline.

Just a note though, if this does only apply to one or two couples and I knew that, then I might feel a little picked on - rational or not - and would be quite hurt.

mijas That's cool, I want DP to learn Spanish, but understand he's busy with work, but he learns bits here and there. I want to move back to Spain someday. I understand where you're coming from with families, but there just aren't many young kids in our immediate families, in our case.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo I forgot what AIBU can be like (replied to threads, never created one). It's good to have opinions though, unfortunately I'm easily upset if people 'jump' on me, so to speak!

LOLeater Haha I love that! I think it's great you did it your way. I'm planning on telling people our plans, and just accepting if they choose not to come. I'll discuss with DP not inviting children to just one part, as it does sound like a childcare nightmare, which I hadn't considered before.

Glad it's all sorted, but now it's time to start wondering whether to ask people with colds to stay away... don't want lots of coughs and sneezes disturbing the ceremony