to think £25 is enough?

[macdoodle]

DD1 is almost 13, it appears that I am not going to see much of her these holidays. She doesnt want to spend much time with me and DD2 (6), and is happy spending the day out with her friends. And there are days I am in work and she doesnt want to go to the CM with DD2.
She gets £10 a week pocket money usually (for extras/going out, I pay for essentials and her phone). I have agreed to give her an extra £25/week in the holidays (so £35/week for entertainment). I would probably spend that if she was out with us. She goes skating once a week.
She doesnt think its enough but she is staying out all day, so buying lunch and chips or something before she comes home in the evening.
I have told her I am not prepared to pay for her to eat 2 meals out a day and she either has to come home to eat or take something with her, or budget her spending money.
I think I am being reasonable and generous? Am I? AIBU? She certainly thinks so!

I agree with Tread about jumping into the Barrage(?) being scary. When I was in my mid teens 2 boys in my class drowned in separate incidents - one in a river (it was a hot day, water was cold, he fainted and nobody saw him go under) and one in a lake (he swam out too far). My dad also nearly drowned as a teenager. I realise things like this will happen whatever the age, I just think you need to temper your 'she's a good, sensible girl so nothing bad will happen to her attitude' with a little caution.

It's AIBU, shouldn't be surprised by polarised opinions.

Skating here costs 2.50 with own skates, glad we don't have to pay a tenner. Even so, 35 is plenty, she can make some sandwiches & bring bottles of water some days. Good for her to learn to budget & you can tell from replies (without adding mine) that it is wildly more than most kids her age will get. May not seem like it among her friends. I will contribute money to dC when they ask, if they can be bothered to Go Out at all.

DD will be 13 in September. I'd be delighted if she was out & about most days, but I don't understand where OP's DD gets the energy for it. All my kids like to potter at home most days watching screens most of that time. I feel bad for making the house too comfortable for them.

OP I don't think you are BU at all. If I had money spare I would give it to my DCS, providing chores were done regularly. I would have hated my parents to have sent to a CM at that age!

As for all the posters jumping on your parenting (totally unnecessary!), I'm sure you know your own DCs and are entitled to parent them how you want to.

My DD (18 now) has always had reasonable freedom though her choice was mostly to stay home and watch films/soaps. I wasn't quite so lucky with DS16 who smokes weed (he hardly ever had any freedom as wouldn't stick to the rules), but even he is more responsible now. All children are different!

I personally don't think it is an excessive amount - £5 per day? One day she might have lunch with friends, other days she might have an activity - it is very easy to spend £5 in this day in age especially considering a chocolate bar is nearly a £1 now

Anyway i don't really think it is the amount that matters (within reason obviously), it's a child's attitude. I feel that you have been very generous to give her the extra allowance and allow her such freedom, clearly not every 12 year old would get that. I think it is important that she appreciates that and doesn't feel that she is entitled to get your hard earned cash. When I was 16, my part time job gave me about £5 per hour, so maybe you could explain that £35 is 7 hours (or more) work for many teenagers.

Yep ice creams £2-3 here. Water £1.50 ( if not supermarket). So from say park ice cream shop £3.50-4.50 just gets the above. Meaning skating would be a tight budget. Cinema £9.50-18 here depending on time/ location and if in 3d. Portion of chips £5. Entrance to paying part of museum £9.50

but who buys water - it's free from the tap ....who has an icecream everyday? (when it's been hot like recently, my dc will get ice-lols out the freezer when they are in the garden, but they are 8 for £1 to buy). Cinema is an expensive place to go, and if dc want to go there, they need to understand that and save up - there's plenty of more affordable ways to watch films). Yup, skating would cost a lot - see cinema comment. Portion of chips £1.10 - £1.30 but, I would expect them to take sandwiches if they were out over lunchtime - although OP said she slept in until 12, so wouldn't really need to. I'd say go to the free museums if that's your bag. We do live in a big city. Yes, bus fares can add up, but you've got all day - try walking!

If you are minted, then fine, dc can have whatever they like I guess, but I think what people are saying is that it's not usual and certainly not necessary to give a 12 yr old that to occupy her in the holidays. If you are comfortable with her having that much, then I'm not sure why you would ask the question.
Most people wouldn't expect to be out at places that cost a lot, for every day of a 6 week holiday - you have some downtime, you do some free stuff, and you treat yourself / dc some of the days.

I think you are being very generous and she should be grateful

My children don't go out a lot but when they do the deal is that we give them money for their lunch and they pay for everything else out of their pocket money (£15 for the 15 year old, £12 for the 12 year old and £11 for the???? Go on guess his age...per month)

When they come back we pay them back for anything reasonable they may have bought, so if dd bought herself a top or hair stuff I would give her the money, bits of tat she can pay for

I also make sure (like a lot of people on this thread) that there are days/periods of time that we all spend together

Not read every post..

You say it's a safe village but it has MacDonald bowling alley ext. It does not sound like a village to me.....

You say you know where she is........ you think you do ....You cannot know for certain....

12 years old is too young to be allowed to roam free while you are at work..

Most kids get into more trouble between the age of 1216 than they did between the age of 012....... why because they were allowed to roam And had no real parenting at home........ parents worked and they are too old for a cm.............

My nearly 13 year old dd is often out all day in the holidays with friends, so is my 14yo dd. I encourage this, especially on the days when DP and I are both working, and I tend to think that £5 a day for them to entertain themselves with friends is far far cheaper than the holiday care I pay for dd3 (aged 10) or for the organised clubs and activities which my 14 and 12yo still sometimes do too (watersports courses, art courses etc). If they're happy and going out and about for £5 a day while we work I consider that a bargain. I prefer them to be out doing things and socialising, rather than festering at home.

My dds tend to think I'm being generous with this though and wouldn't expect more. I have no worries about what they're up to, they and their friends don't drink or smoke and just tend to hang about in a clump, or go swimming, or to the cinema, or buy a milk shake.

Tell her to look for a summer job. I got one when I was 12. No need for a childminder and she can earn her own money. Then ask her if £35 per week is enough for doing sod all!

I was out all day at 12/13 and had the time of my (then) life, but my parents trusted me and I was a sensible enough character.

I got given the equivalent of what would now be about £4 a day and took food from home to have while out, and mainly bought sweets/sports club subs with the rest

OP personally I think the amount you are giving her is a bit much - I would want to see a lot more accountability for that amount - but I can't condone the independence if your daughter is the trustworthy type!

ds2 is 12 and just finished yr7, i know your dd must be a school year above, ut this is what would be expected of ds2 for the summer holidays when we are home. We are fortunate to be away for 3 1/2 weeks of the holidays so he will be with his parents and siblings and doing the same things, lying by the pool, swimming and teen clubs for the first week of the holidays.

When we are home i will be working 2 full days a week but home the other days, he will have to go to his grandparents for at least one of the days i am working, the other day he can stay in bed until 12 then go out with his friends or to a friends house. the 3 days that i am home, doesn't mean that we will be out every day doing activities, some of those days i intend to just relax around the house or be clearing out bedrooms. Again on those days he will be free to come and go as he pleases.

This usually means, going to the local park and playing rugby or biking, down to the river fishing or just sat there chatting and letting the world go by. He might go to the local shopping precinct for chips and costa, and then across to the park near there for the skate park with his scooter.

I might drop him and a friend in a neighbouring small town to meet school friends, or catch the train (3minutes) into the nearest big town for a spot of mcdonalds/primark/browsing in Hollister and superdry.

i anticipate that his pocket money will be about £20 per week, but if he is eating lunch out then he will be expected to be home for dinner, or he can take sandwiches/crisps/cake/cartons of juice out for lunch and snacks and buy something more substantial for dinner. I will not be funding 2 meals a day out.

I would also, dependant on behaviour for other weeks, consider giving him enough cash to buy a new t-shirt or some shorts etc, but that would probably only happen once in the whole of the holidays.

His older brother is 17 and gets £20 a week as well, hes old enough if he wants a top up to get a job!

oh we have free swimming here for the holidays as well.

£35 a week is a nice amount, it's defo enough to entertain yourself for the week and should teach her a bit about budgeting and (for example) saving money by taking a bottle of water from home and sandwiches if she wants to do something else more expensive.

Plenty of free things to do - just hanging out in the sunshine and having a mooch round are fun.

Sounds like she is going to have a nice summer - I'm quite envious!

oh and also if we are going out for a full day, such as chessington or another theme park, i would expect him to come with me, i would not be leaving him for over 12 hours. We have a day at Windsor planned and he will be coming with us (me and his 8yr old sister) he may sulk at first but usualy fine once out and enjoys the boat ride, fountain, walk by the river and nice lunch.

I think YABU re the amount of cash, 35 a week seems a lot for a 12yo, but no prob re letting her go off on her own, I'm pretty sure I was the same at that age and for the same reasons - she's trustworthy and you are happy enough with the area/friends. Can you get her to write down every day for a week what she is spending on what, and go through it with her to see what is reasonable and what isn't, and then help her budget with less? She might then realise that eating out is more a luxury item that she can only do once or twice a week and learn to budget accordingly. Also, might be better to put all her money in the bank - if you're giving her cash, it's much easier to fritter it away without really noticing, compared to if she has to go to the bank every time she needs cash and can see her balance dropping - she might then decide that today's chippy is less important than saving her money for tomorrow's activity with her friends.

I don't think money goes very far to be honest and it does cost for them to do activities. It's a fact that we probably have made a rod for our own backs by constantly providing activities and stimulation for our children so it's no wonder that they want to do the same things with their friends.

I wish my two would actually make an effort to go and meet up with friends!

Is she meeting with the same group everyday so are they all getting that amount? or is it that others are coming maybe 2 or 3 times a week as that is what they can afford but if your daughter is with the wider group every day, it is costing her more iyswim?

I would be encouraging her to have some lunch before she leaves unless the activity planned is just lunch out. Even if everyone is meeting up at mcdonalds, then if she has eaten, she can still go but maybe have just an icecream or a shake or something.

I'd maybe just sit with her and explain about the cost of things and maybe get her to take the initiative with a few cheaper activities - e.g. hang out at the park but each bring a contribution for a group picnic - much cooler than turning up with a packed lunch I think.

You could incentivise things a bit by saying whatever she manages to still have left from her weekly budget at the end of the week, you will double for the following week, so that they can maybe plan a more expensive thing for the last week of the hols?

No one ever feels they have enough money, do they? I certainly don't. It's perfectly reasonable for her privately to feel that she could do with more, but unacceptable (in my view) to voice that feeling to you. If I faced similar with my DS, every time he complained he would find the actual amount he got decreasing.

£35 is generous. More importantly, it is what you are offering. She should accept with gratitude. If she cannot, I fail to see why she should get it at all.

Do children not hang out with their friends in their rooms not doing anything that can be described as an 'activity' anymore? I'm sure that was the major thing I did with my friends throughout my teenage years.

Just because parents would buy their children ice creams and drinks (etc) when out at the park or the beach (or whatever), that doesn't mean that children should expect to get those things when out with their friends. There are pros and cons to having out with your family when you're a teenager; ice creams and treats are one of these. It is perfectly possible to take a drink from in a water bottle.

A £35 a week leisure budget at 12 isn't really doing any favours in the long term. All it does is set up expectations that there should always be treats and days must be filled with activities (especially expensive ones).

I think 35 sounds ok, but I think it's pretty normal for Tweens and teens to moan and want more. My 3 DSs do the old "all my friends get way more than me " trick. I just say "aren't they lucky".
I was out all day everyday during the Summer at that age. Either on my skates, at the athletic track at the local school or walking around town. For lunch we often went to someone's house for toast or went home for a bit then out again or got chips.

Its26 dedegrees and bright sunshine, were lucky if we get 6 weeks of this weather, why on earth should she be in her room, she can do that all winter.
If anyone bothers to read the op anymore, mostly she is doing free stuff but eating McDonald's chippiebetc every day she is out, which is adding up.

Yes, they do Calam or, in this weather, the garden. Well, my 12 yr old and her mates do. Great post.

She can hanging out with her friends in the garden or the local park. The 'not an activity' principle still stands.

And McDonald's are not a requirement to hang out with your friends.

I am actually amazed at how many people think children need to be timetabled and entertained at all times.

I don't think £5 a day is excessive, but I would expect her to put together a budget if she's asking for more. Just writing down her expenditure for the week would be a good habit, then she can look at it with you and realise ok, those bottles of water/chips 10 mins after leaving the house were a waste of money as they'd have paid for X activity or that maybe investing in an bus pass is worthwhile, or you can see that actually 4 lunches + 3 activities + 5 snacks = more than £35 and up her budget accordingly.

I think both her being out all day and her budget are perfectly fine!

When I was 12 (not all that long ago!) That's what everyone did. We'd either go into town, browse, gossip etc or do an activity - cinema, bowling etc.

I used to get £20 a week pocket money then, and my parents would give me extra in the school holidays because I'd be out more than term time.

I used to spend it on cinema, McDonalds, bits of tat from Claire's etc. I really don't see the harm. And frankly I think it's ridiculous to force an almost teen to socialise with a 6yr old. I hardly saw my family during my teen years!

To put it in perspective, because my two would spend all day in the house on a computer or games console, I have them going to Out of school care 3 days a week (and they are 14 and nearly 13 - this will be last year I get away with it!) It costs nearly 20 a day each plus trips on top of that so 35 a week seems like a bargain.

Yes, I could leave them in the house and give them a few quid a day to occupy themselves and save myself money, but No1 son would stash it in the bank and do nothing and No2 son would save it and buy computer games. I'd rather they spend some time outside and with other people.