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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think £25 is enough?

303 replies

macdoodle · 22/07/2014 21:37

DD1 is almost 13, it appears that I am not going to see much of her these holidays. She doesnt want to spend much time with me and DD2 (6), and is happy spending the day out with her friends. And there are days I am in work and she doesnt want to go to the CM with DD2.
She gets £10 a week pocket money usually (for extras/going out, I pay for essentials and her phone). I have agreed to give her an extra £25/week in the holidays (so £35/week for entertainment). I would probably spend that if she was out with us. She goes skating once a week.
She doesnt think its enough but she is staying out all day, so buying lunch and chips or something before she comes home in the evening.
I have told her I am not prepared to pay for her to eat 2 meals out a day and she either has to come home to eat or take something with her, or budget her spending money.
I think I am being reasonable and generous? Am I? AIBU? She certainly thinks so!

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/07/2014 16:18

My daughter would be given that sort if freedom too. She's just going into her second year at senior school.

I have the find my friends app on her phone and when she rings to ask if she can move away from where she said she'd be, I can check up on here. She's never yet lied about her whereabouts but I am wary.

As for the money, I personally think that's far too much. My DD's friends wouldn't have anywhere bear that sort of money and I think they need to be happy to just hang our and not of 'pay for' activities all the time.

The reason I say that is because it's a lifestyle they could never hope to match when they get their first job and have bugger all money and are trying to save. Dissatisfaction with life is what leads to problems.

I personally would give money as hoc for special days out, but not give it as standard.

myotherusernameisbetter · 23/07/2014 16:22

was also referring to a post saying 1 for swimming. Not round here it isn't.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/07/2014 16:22

Tell me more about the find my friends app please!!

myotherusernameisbetter · 23/07/2014 16:25

Also complained to sports centre as they do a doscount card (which you pay for) that gives money off swimming and gym use etc but you only qualify for it for free if you are a pensioner, on benefits or are a student. They don't count a school child as being a student. So effectively people who do have an income albeit not a huge one, get a free discount card, but children who have no income at all dont.

MummaB1014 · 23/07/2014 16:26

Obviously it's going to be different in different locations but for us (Hampshire) there are summer activity leisure passes that make activities a fraction of the usual cost, the local vue and odeon cinemas have kids am mornings which allow entry for any age for £1.75 plus there's lots of other activities (skate park is free, several parks with cycle paths). There's also a free bus service and reduced price summer travel passes for children. Not everything has to cost money, it's just looking into the other options.

Lots of our local non-chain businesses take on over 13's for the summer, but what I meant by 'our family earns pocket money' I meant doing things around the house... Car cleaning, hanging washing, dusting and hoovering, etc...

She's very lucky to get £35 a week, some families have to live on that every week all year around. I do hope she shows appreciation.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2014 16:51

She's very lucky to get £35 a week, some families have to live on that every week all year around. I do hope she shows appreciation.

That is why I would - harshly or not- be docking a fiver for any moaning.

We are lucky to have affordable things for younger teens to do nearby and I agree that they are simply not made welcome in many environments.

But on that amount of cash she will get the impression you can't have fun without (quite a lot) of money, and/or she will end up subsidising her mates who have more sensible skinner parents….

Original poster
macdoodle · 23/07/2014 17:13

The thing is I am trying not to give her money ad hoc for things, a fiver here and there. A tenner to go out. It all adds up and teaches nothing about budgeting and value. I decide this was so that she could see that money goes and once it's gone it's gone so she has to learn to budget for that. We dont teach our children enough financial skills imo.
I like the idea of extra holiday chores to earn it. And at least a day and evening or 2 with us. She has a weekend with her dad and long 2 weekends away with us.

OP posts:
Hulababy · 23/07/2014 17:39

No jobs for pre and young teens round here. Even paper delivery kids are a fair bit older and tbh I do to want my 12y doing a paper round early morning in the winter months anyway

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2014 18:12

I'd have been down to topshop in 5 mins with that amount of cash.
Or on the coach to big cities to see unsuitable boys or bands.

I think you are right about learning to budget, and also right to let her roam freely. Though perhaps she'd learn to budget better if you gave her a little less?

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 23/07/2014 18:27

You would; op's dd doesn't seem to be doing so.

ouryve · 23/07/2014 18:34

Heck, she's only 2 years older than DS1. He gets £3 a week and will be getting £5 a week through the holidays, so long as he can be civilised with his brother.

If you must top up her pocket money, I'd make her earn it, macdoodle. A good start would be showing a lot more respect to you and her sibling. I'd suggest that £25 is far too much for her to have with no strings attached. She needs to come home for dinner (she could be anywhere, doing anything, for all you know) and most of her top up should only be given when she's out with you, as a family, for specific events.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 23/07/2014 18:34

Do you need money to find unsuitable boys?

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2014 18:37

Oh honestly, Bland, that was a flippant aside. (Though it's not beyond the realms of possibility for any kid to do something a bit daft when financed to do so. I never got into any bother on my escapades, and my parents never so much as suspected a thing)

I've repeatedly said I don't think there is a problem with going her freedom, the chance to budget. The DD is apparently not showing any sense of appreciation for being given a substantial amount of money to do what she likes with. Give her less, and hopefully she'll value it more.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2014 18:38

True, Chicken, you don't, but it helps. (especially if they live in other cities)

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 23/07/2014 18:59

Was it? Ok then.

VanitasVanitatum · 23/07/2014 19:17

You sound like a great mum, trusting her and allowing her freedom. I think the suggestions that you're lazy parenting are just misconceived, it sounds like you are letting her choose her summer entertainment and she will look back on fantastic summers shared with her friends. Childhood is way too short and she will be working for fifty years of her life - there is nothing wrong with letting her enjoy freedom while she can.

Why don't you sit down together and write a list of what she's spending it on, then decide between you if it's reasonable.

Itsfab · 25/07/2014 17:28

I have only read up to Tuesday, and think she does sound a bit entitled, but I am more concerned about her jumping in the dam. Her bra wearing is irrelevant but every year children die from jumping into water and not being able to get out. A boy has died just this week trying to get his football back. Sensible = not jumping into dams that are not there as play areas.

Alidoll · 25/07/2014 17:54

Bit late asking for opinions given you've already agreed to give her that amount but £35 a week is far too much IMHO..she should have to EARN the extra doing additional jobs about the house and garden.

Buy some cold meat, bread and a bottle of squash etc and tell her she can make her own sarnies if she's staying at home but she has to "check in" with the childminder or a neighbour each day. If she doesn't like it, tell her she will go to the childminder for the rest of the holiday period, end of conversation...and stick to it.

noddyholder · 25/07/2014 18:04

My ds is 20 now but at 13 spent all day at the skate park all summer.It was great for him lots of friends and exercise and I gave him about the equivalent as it was a lot cheaper than some organised activities etc. He rarely spent much and rang me every hour or so Plus was always home by 6 (mostly) I lived near town and they would all pop in and out and this went on for several summers and in fact they still do pop in here. I think he learned loads there and tbh at about 14 did come home one day a bit pie eyed from cider but it never went beyond that and he is still pretty sensible. I think she sounds like she will be having a great time and it will build a trust wait and see.

noddyholder · 25/07/2014 18:05

If you can afford a fiver a day and everyone can't then its only really a sandwich and a drink or a bus fare or 2.

Original poster
macdoodle · 25/07/2014 19:32

Its not a dam, its a barrage, and there is a designated swimming area. But then of course once you've judged I am a rubbish parent from the money in the OP, then every other judgment follows.

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 25/07/2014 19:37

FWIW, its going very well. We sat down and worked it out. She is happy with the amount and pleased to be trusted to budget. I gave her the last fiver today, and she told me that she actually has £20 left. She has taken water and snack out with her and eaten a proper breakfast/brunch.
She agreed to all the rules/chores, and spending a day with us as a family and 2 evenings in, sleeping in her own bed, with no friends sleeping over (as opposed to sleeping at a friend or them here, before anyone assumes she is out on street corners)!
She came out with us today and more than earned her extra looking and playing with DD2 for me, so I had a lovely relaxing day.
She asked me if she could have it all at the start of the week so she could budget for the week properly, so we will try it that way next week.
I trust her and she knows that, I will not be a controlling suspicious parent, until and unless she gives me reason to do so and she knows that. She is a happy, confident, sensible girl and I hope part of that is due to my parenting.

OP posts:
myotherusernameisbetter · 25/07/2014 19:41

Sounds brilliant! - I think I need her to take my boys in hand and get them of screens and into the real world :)

myotherusernameisbetter · 25/07/2014 19:42

Is there a lot for young teens to do there if they have to go with their Mum? It's a bit complicated for us to get their without driving and we haven't been since before it was all opened.

Sassyb0703 · 25/07/2014 19:59

OP it's fine, you know your child and as such can determine if it's safe for her to go off with her mates, there is no right or wrong here with the exception of a very few rather extreme parents who wouldn't let there children out of their site until they are 21 !! (but that has more to do with the parents neurosis than the children's possible behaviour) Both dd1&2 were off on their own at 12 but Ds1 was less street wise and had to wait until 14..as for the money, £35 a week sounds absolutely fine if you can afford it, it's 5 a day for God sake hardly enough to embark on a crack habit...ignore to miseries on here that seem to want to compete for tightest parent of the year award, (I am not talking about those who genuinely can't afford much) but those who seem to gain perverse pleasure from boasting how little they expect their dc to live on ...it's like the thread has been invaded by 1950's parents !