to think £25 is enough?

[macdoodle]

DD1 is almost 13, it appears that I am not going to see much of her these holidays. She doesnt want to spend much time with me and DD2 (6), and is happy spending the day out with her friends. And there are days I am in work and she doesnt want to go to the CM with DD2.
She gets £10 a week pocket money usually (for extras/going out, I pay for essentials and her phone). I have agreed to give her an extra £25/week in the holidays (so £35/week for entertainment). I would probably spend that if she was out with us. She goes skating once a week.
She doesnt think its enough but she is staying out all day, so buying lunch and chips or something before she comes home in the evening.
I have told her I am not prepared to pay for her to eat 2 meals out a day and she either has to come home to eat or take something with her, or budget her spending money.
I think I am being reasonable and generous? Am I? AIBU? She certainly thinks so!

My 9 year old came out shopping with me yesterday morning and then from about 12pm until 6 pm was out in the village with her mates. I only saw her once when she came barreling in for a wee, although I did hear them a few times shrieking and shouting. She came in at 6 for her tea, was back out by half past just on the green and I called her in for bed at 9.

I love how much freedom she has. It reminds me of my childhood and DH and I are counting our blessings for moving here 4 weeks ago.

I've just asked her what they did - played, built a den, raced, did loom bands, walked a dog, played with Bella (a kitten), "Nathan is so annoying" "can they come in and play in the pool?", went on the park and walked to the tennis courts.

Today we are doing a long dog walk and picnic but "I will be able to play when we get back won't I?"

I'm going to give her as much freedom as I can. Right now she is limited to the village, but I'd say has about a mile radius of stuff she can do and probably 10 friends to do stuff with. I only know 2 parents, but my neighbour seems to know everyone, so I'll just ask her if I have any issues.

Mac, I think you're getting a hard time here!

If the barrage pic is anything to go by, I live in the same city as you. Buses are not cheap at all, nor are cinema trips and skating!

I think the money is reasonable, but as other posters have said, not all in one go. It could make her vulnerable to getting it taken.

In watching this with interest macdoodle. My ds is only little still and I'm drawing on my own experiences of being a teenager.

Why don't you speak to some of her friends parents and see how much cash they are giving their teenagers?

Frog...if you're talking about the bay fake beach, I don't think it opens until tomorrow....I might be wrong though!

And perhaps, rather than giving her a set amount each day, give her what she needs for what she wants to do that day. Perhaps get her a bus pass if it's going on travelling into town.

The money sounds about right if you live in an expensive city.

But I hate, hate, gate threads like this banging on about the personal freedom of 12yr olds or younger.

However I understand this is only because of my personal experiences. Being gang raped during the day at 12 years old because my mother 'valued my freedom' certainly made me wish she'd actually done a bit of fucking parenting and looked after me, or at least insisted on knowing where I was.

They tend not to go into town and stay within walking distance.
I don't think the bay beach is open till tomorrow either? And that is bloody expensive.

My 12y still does a fair bit with me with and without friends.

So this week:

Monday:
Am: Research activity at the university (she got paid to do this)
Pm: met up with her best friend at a local park but I was there as I'm good friends with friends mum and her little brother is my godson. Had picnic. They played around in the water together and went off to the park, mostly with us all together though
Also friend came back for a sleepover. Girls went off to local park for a while before hanging out in bedroom.

Tuesday

Spent with friend after sleepover
I took them into countryside and they were playing in the stream/on the rocks for a whole, had picnic. I read in the sun and left them to it.
Once home they were outside at park or playing water flights til friend went home.

Wednesday
At university again for last part of research. She will be there 2 hours.
Then meeting another friend and her two girls - both girls are v good/best friends with dd so they will hang out in park and water fountains etc. we will have lunch out.

Thursday

Meeting up with dd's godmother and her son, same age as dd, for lunch. Not decided what else
Today's friends coming in evening for food and chat. Girls will hang out. Adults will chat.

Friday

Dd has arranged to meet up with friends to go to the cinema and probably for bubble tea afterwards. I'll give her cash for that.

Saturday

Visiting grandparents for a while.
After that, Local wildlife park with friends ( adults and girls) for an evening with silent fireworks etc.

Not sure what dd has planned next week yet. Probably swimming with friends one day. Other time stuff with me. Then a festival at the weekend - we're taking one of her best friends with us.

So for us it is very mixed. Lots with me and also seeing friends lots too. I will give her cash when she is out with friends but it won't reach anywhere near £35 a week

Public transport is really expensive here too. For DD to go into town and back it's £3.50, more if she wants to go further afield. £5 a day won't give her enough change for a bowl of chips

I've bought her a 30 day bus pass for £30, she only has to use it 9 times during the month and it's paid for itself.

Our public swimming pool also does free swimming for under 16s during the holidays, I'm hoping she'll make use of the bus pass and free swimming a couple of times a week rather than bankrupt me.

I'm perfectly happy for my DD to be out and about with her friends - also early September born, just finishing year 7 and a much younger sister

As DD1 has got older, it has become more difficult accommodating them both during the holidays. I don't see the point forcing her to either stay home, or come with us to things aimed at her younger sister when she could be out having fun with her friends. We have a holiday at the end of August, a few big days out, plus weekends to do stuff as a family

DD knows the rules and if she breaks them the freedom will stop, and we live in a very small community where everyone knows everyone so I will find out. I know where she's going, she has a moble phone and remains in contact. I trust her and she's earned that trust by sticking to the rules and behaving herself.

Big thing here is that dd is pretty much always home for her evening meal which we have around 7pm, so even when out alone she only needs to be eating out once.

She enjoys taking a picnic when they go to the park etc though

And tbh none of the pre teen and early teens I know are spending cash on smoking and drinking.

Sliced I am sorry that happened to you, but it's not a common occurrence, the girls are all clearly warnes to stay in groups of preferably at least 3, mine has a personal alarm on her phone.
You have to allow them independance without making them terrified, you cannot protect from every eventuality without turning them into anxious scared wrecks.
If course I worry, about drugs and attacks and falls and numerous other things, I can't let my fears affect her life.

Hula a year ago my dd1 would have been the same but in the last year she has suddenly become very grown up and independent. It's actually really lovely to watch the change from child to teen and hopefully signs of theyoung lady she will be.

Sliced I am sorry that happened to you, but it's not a common occurrence, the girls are all clearly warnes to stay in groups of preferably at least 3, mine has a personal alarm on her phone.
You have to allow them independance without making them terrified, you cannot protect from every eventuality without turning them into anxious scared wrecks.
If course I worry, about drugs and attacks and falls and numerous other things, I can't let my fears affect her life.

I'm envious of her
I remember being a similar age, riding my bike, jumping in the river, getting the train to the cinema, lazing looking at the clouds while eating curly crisps (if my bf is on here she'll know who I am now), climbing trees, going skating...

I didn't do much wrong at that age and had a great time. I looked back at my childhood as idyllic and regret that I can't provide the same for my dcs.

I don't know why some people have the immediate assumption she's up to no good.

Op I would say that's quite a bit of money but if she is doing things like the cinema they cost a fortune now, it won't go as far as we imagine it should. I bet you regret posting now. You and she sound sensible and like you have a good relationship, trust that.

(The bit that gives me the heebies most is the barrage jumping)

Yes Mac I understand it can be done responsibly.

But we were also in a close community, told to stay in groups etc. (well by my friends parents anyway)

But some parents just use it as an excuse to get their kids out of their hair. Really would waiting a couple of years until they are older hurt that much?

I've met quite a few women who experienced similar in their past, sexual assault really isn't uncommon at all.

I would much rather have had to wait a couple of years for my freedom than what happened. Being given freedom a couple of years later would not have affected my life as much as that did. Nowhere near as much.

Wed night is usually my evening with her, she has sports training and I work an evening shift so babysitterccomes earlh, I watch her training and we go for a coffee/milkshake. No training but have just texted her (she slept at her friends) to ask if she wants a coffee tonight so I can sort babysitter and got a big smiley face yet. Will have a chat about some of these useful points.

Sliced obviously this has had a massive effect on you, but you could say the same for everything. Traveling at 18 people get murdered, where do you draw the line. You can't let what happened to you colour the future of your children as well.

I definitely will let it colour the future of my children mac.

There is nothing wrong with a twelve year old spending time with their family. Or going somewhere with friends, but I would expect a home time, phone numbers and to know where she would be.

A little but of precaution until she's a but older and wiser won't hurt her. But it could prevent something disastrous.

I realise it's a bit personal for me and my view will be clouded so I'll bow out now.

But it really really isn't as remote a possibility as you may think. The amount of people in my groups and across the country who have been assaulted or worse as preteens are far far too many. Most of them have never told their parents, the police or anyone else apart from us.

Slicedanddiced that is horrific however my parent didn't let me out of sight until I was 14+ and I still managed to get sexually assaulted at 15 almost 16 and went of the rails a bit between 14-17. No drugs or anything like that but plenty that I shouldn't have been doing.

Sliced. I am very sorry you had such a horrendous experience.

However it does not give you carte blanche to come on a thread like this and say- ,Being gang raped during the day at 12 years old because my mother 'valued my freedom' certainly made me wish she'd actually done a bit of fucking parenting and looked after me, or at least insisted on knowing where I was."
That really is insulting and inappropriate,

£35 a week is not excessive, even public transport for kids is so expensive these days. She is lucky as not every parent could afford that but you have a good salary so why not let her enjoy some of it. What I would do is not hand over £35 all at once but perhaps ask her the night before what her plans are and assess it on a day to day basis.

And yes 12/13 is of the age where they 'may' wish to experiment with alcohol, sex etc, that is a rite of passage into adulthood isn't it? I'm sure most of us here have tales to tell, all you can do is advise and arm them with the correct information. Strictly forbidding or 24hr surveillance doesn't make drink/drugs/sex any less desirable.

Pyja I know it can never ever be completely prevented, but some precautions can be taken without being too restrictive.

Hak, you really don't know my mother. That statement was completely appropriate. Who are you to tell me how I should feel about my mother and her 'parenting'?

Damn I told myself to hide the thread. Should have listened.

I think the pictures of the barrage and imagining your daughter jumping into it have scared me the most !

I think it rather nice to think that somewhere out there there are still preteens/early teenagers having the childhood that I had in rural Ireland in the 80's. Yes - some peers took up smoking, and there was definitely some handholding and kissing going on but the world and particularly the UK is very different I think.

35 on paper is a lot of cash for a child that age. But I can see how it is spent very easily some would say frittered. Just the cost of a sandwich, a drink and a bar of chocolate will use the 5 allowance every day. I think you would be wise to limit it and teach her to budget, make a packed lunch and have some extra cash to go clothes shopping or whatever with before she goes back to school.

A 5 per day is a 7 day allowance though - does she not spend a single day a week with her family?

And perhaps, rather than giving her a set amount each day, give her what she needs for what she wants to do that day. Perhaps get her a bus pass if it's going on travelling into town.

I'm not sure how that teaches her anything though. If she has the money then she learns how to control it and make decisions about what activities she can afford and whether she has to say no to something because she needs to save for another activity she wants to do later in the week.

OP, just because you give her the £35 all at once, doesn't necessarily mean she has to take it out all at once. Did you say £10 was on her bank card? If you gave her the rest in smaller notes could she perhaps keep some in a money box or something and make the decision about how much she needs to take out.