to think £25 is enough?

[macdoodle]

DD1 is almost 13, it appears that I am not going to see much of her these holidays. She doesnt want to spend much time with me and DD2 (6), and is happy spending the day out with her friends. And there are days I am in work and she doesnt want to go to the CM with DD2.
She gets £10 a week pocket money usually (for extras/going out, I pay for essentials and her phone). I have agreed to give her an extra £25/week in the holidays (so £35/week for entertainment). I would probably spend that if she was out with us. She goes skating once a week.
She doesnt think its enough but she is staying out all day, so buying lunch and chips or something before she comes home in the evening.
I have told her I am not prepared to pay for her to eat 2 meals out a day and she either has to come home to eat or take something with her, or budget her spending money.
I think I am being reasonable and generous? Am I? AIBU? She certainly thinks so!

+1 for it being unreasonable for a 12 year old to be doing their own thing all day. Reel her in and give the extra money to the childminder for activities.

I'm not horrified. I was out all day with friends at 12 but we didn't get given much in the way of money. £1 to buy some sweets at the shops maybe. We hung around each other's houses/the park/down by the river/in the woods.

I repeat I know where she is and with whom. Of course much rather she be stuck in the house with an over protective parent bored out of her skull on iPad and eating crap all day. That out on the sun and fresh air walking for miles jumping in lakes socialising and having fun. Or dragged to the park with a 6 yr old. I should have known this would turn into a parenting bunfight.

Wow I didn't mention any aspect of my parenting and am deemed a "helicopter parent" - maybe I was a bit laissez faire myself and was happy he was amusing himself so I could get on with my demanding job....

And yes Fraser competence is dependent on maturity but a child of 12 is not deemed to be capable of competence / giving consent - sexual offences act 2003 - perhaps your practice needs bringing up to date.

Great, like you say phones when asked and comes home when told to. Even better rolls out of bed at lunchtime!. I would query what activities she wants to do every week and perhaps top upnthe 35 where needed, but that top up on an earnt basis perhaps? Its not extravagant when everything costs so much to do thesedays.

Rhino you're being ridiculous Fraser competence has no relevance whatsoever in this scenario. what exactly do you feel she needs to consent to? Your implications stink tbh don't project your parenting guilt onto me. I work part time exactly in order to spend time with my children. So do not tar me with your brush thank you very much.

But does she need to have an activity packed holidays? Walking for miles, jumping in lakes, riding bikes, socialising etc don't have to involve much in the way of money. You could encourage her to make up a picnic for herself using stuff from the fridge (and get her friends to do the same) and it would be perfectly possible to have many days of fun without spending any money.

In any case, parks provide plenty for people of all ages to do. My 14 year finds stuff to do at the park so it's not just a trip for his younger brother. We choose parks that have stuff for him to do (or he'll sit and chat to me while the wee one plays). Do the alternatives have to be all about what your youngest wants?

Rhino, what's consent to sexual activity got to do with it?

OP, if she gets up at 12, surely she can eat before leaving the house?

Zzzzzz protest much? Not projecting, merely pointing out chucking money in place of parenting doesn't work, and that HCPs are not immune from having parenting issues.

Fraser competence is relevant - nothing stinky about it, and you know why - hence the defensiveness and personal attacks.

Fraser competence for ice skating and macdonalds, I've heard it all now.

Abland - it is not constant to sexual activity but that act clearly outlines that a child of 12 is not deemed "competent"

I really don't see what Fraser competence has to do with this either. It just seems an unnecessary and irrelevant dig at the OP.

It's a sad world where people think 12 year olds doing stuff without their parents is dangerous, half-arsed parenting. I grew up in the countryside and roaming the local moors, cycling around all the single track country roads and having picnics, going to sit by the river with friends, etc were perfectly normal things to do at 12/13. We didn't have mobile phones to give our parents regular updates on our location either.

None of it had anything to do with our ability to consent to sexual activity.

Constant = consent - predictive text sorry

That competence doesn't extend to everything though, it's a very specific kind of competence. You can be unable to consent to sexual activity but still be capable of making yourself and sandwich and making your way down to the beach to hang around with your friends.

It is inadvisable - no - reckless to hand over £35 per week to a 12 year old child.

What on earth are you expecting she will spend it on?

I seem to have got the impression that macdoodle simply asked if the sum of money seemed reasonable to others. I don't recall her asking for opinions on her parenting.

My point is that 12 is not considered an age which young people can be competent in the eyes of the law, Fraser competence is used in other areas besides sexual consent.

But it has bugger all to do with whether she is able to get the bus into town and window shop with her friends.

Ok, my parenting was judged without me even describing it!!

So - £140 a month, plus phone, for a 12 year old is ridiculous. YABU.

Skating and chips, it would seem.

To be fair, you'd already passed judgement on the OP's parenting. So you'd opened yourself up to it.

I agree that it is a lot of money. We could afford to give DS1 £35 a week. We just wouldn't because he doesn't need it. We'd almost certainly spend it on him if he was out with us, but that doesn't mean he requires or deserves to have as much money when he's out with friends. A useful lesson for life is that, if he wants lunch out paid for, he needs to either accept the invitation and go with whoever is paying or earn enough to pay for it himself.

I don't know what Fraser competence is, but I assume it's a checklist of some kind, whereas the age of consent is a set number, as is the age to smoke and drink.

My DD is nearly 13 and will probably spend much of the summer doing the same as yours - out with her mates.

Thinking back to the Easter holidays, she probably had around £35 ish over the course of a week, but then the weather was shite so she went to the cinema/bowling, needed bus fare, the odd bowl of chips, etc. Through the summer with some decent weather, I'd expect less - days at the beach with a packed lunch and £1 for an ice cream

I wouldn't give it to her all in one lump sum either

YANBU to limit it to £35 per week, but - IMO, as you asked, I think YABU to give her anywhere near that much.

But then, I'm probably judging from the perspective of my own budget.
Holidays have never involved going out and spending every day.
We'll go on a family holiday, and a couple of visits to relatives, then there's quite a few days over the holiday that involve stuff like major tidy out of the bedrooms / dentist / school uniform shop / hair cuts / etc. Usually boring stuff to be done like defrosting the fridge and cleaning the windows. We're lucky here in that swimming is free, so that's usually a weekly thing - but you said she went to the beach area - I can't see why you'd need money for that. If my dc want to see a film, they watch a DVD at our house or one of their friends houses. They go to the park or to each others houses too. They will go on a picnic. Going out somewhere that costs a lot, tends to only happen about once in the holidays here, but they are doing stuff throughout each day that doesn't involve screens when they are in my house. They go on bike rides, or get the water slide out in the garden. My youngest is 12, soon to be 13, like your dd, and there's no way I'd be happy with her expecting to be supplied with money like that. Well, it just wouldn't happen.