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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH will not give up smoking and baby due in 2 months

89 replies

Polkaa · 22/07/2014 09:55

We have 2 children already, age 2 and 3. I am pregnant with our 3rd due in 8 weeks. DH has always smoked, but in the last has given up when I've been pregnant and during the newborn stage, but always goes back to it when babies are a few months old.

He never smokes in the house, but obviously the smell and nicotine is on his face, hands and clothes if he is always opposing outside for a cigarette. He probably smokes 20 a day but is in complete denial about this and will say 2/3 if you asked him.

He has been promising to give up since January, but still hadn't made any attempt. If I push him, really push him to, I will get a very angry response and arguments. He will also be incredibly grumpy and bad tempered when he gives up at first. I don't want this as I'm just about coping with the pregnancy and 2 young DC as it is.

But I also can't stand the smoking and can't have it around our children any longer, never mind our NB baby.

OP posts:
Noneedtoworryatall · 22/07/2014 10:00

I'm an ex smoker and from exp there is nothing worse than other people telling you you have to give them up.

Your husband has to want to give them up to even try.

CalamitouslyWrong · 22/07/2014 10:04

Could you suggest he switches to e-cigarettes. The vaping people on here appear to be evangelical about them.

Original poster
Polkaa · 22/07/2014 10:05

He doesn't seem to care about the health implications for our baby

OP posts:
crazykat · 22/07/2014 10:08

There's no point pushing him to give up. To be successful in giving up he has to want to give up. Trying to force him will just lead to resentment and arguments.

Its not ideal but you knew he smoked when you decided to have children with him so its a risk you take that he won't give up.

The only thing I can suggest is ask him to get an electronic cigarette as he can have the nicotine without the chemicals in the cigarette smoke.

WorraLiberty · 22/07/2014 10:08

Addictions really are more complicated than giving them up because someone else wants you to I'm afraid.

I agree with the E Cig suggestion. Would he try that?

specialsubject · 22/07/2014 10:09

...or about the money he is burning, or the fact he is risking an earlier death leaving you with three kids.

druggies have to want to give up. There's not a lot you can do if he values the stink sticks above the wishes of his wife.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 22/07/2014 10:10

you cannot make someone give up smoking because you think its the right thing to do.
you can suggest he tries ecigs but again, he has to want to or it will not work

Original poster
Polkaa · 22/07/2014 10:12

Will suggest the e cigarettes to him, at least for while he is at home.

OP posts:
KnackeredMuchly · 22/07/2014 10:12

You cant make him give up. But you can say
"To live in my house with a newborn you need to - wear a different top every time you go outside to smoke, come in was your hands, face and use mouthwash, and wait 10 minutes before coming into the room the baby is in."

If that will satisfy you,and if it wont yiu need to devise your own rules. And if nothing but not smoking is good enough for you, you need to tell him to move out.

OorWullie · 22/07/2014 10:14

The doctors told my gran years ago that there isn't much point in trying to give up unless you want to.

Make sure he keeps it away from the children, has a big jumper or something that he only wears to smoke and doesnt wear when near the kids, and of course gives face and hands a quick wash when he comes in.

you could encourage him to try an ecig too.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 22/07/2014 10:14

tell him to move out?

even though the OP clearly knew he was a smoker when they decided to have another child?

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 10:16

This would be a deal breaker for me it really would.

There are few "bad habits" that can affect people healthwise second-hand.

Knackeredmuchly has summed up what I think your options are. Cetainly, smoking at the back door and thinking this is ok just isn't.

Yes, I know smoking is an addiction and I do have sympathy for the smoker, but he is putting the children's health at risk and doesn't seem to care.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 22/07/2014 10:18

but...how can it be a deal breaker? now? after 3 children and however many years? Its not like the dh just started smoking yesterday, he has always smoked.

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 10:19

My DD used to smoke and work in a Nursery, some of her co workers smoke.

You'll just have to make it clear that you expect "safe smoking" to be taking place.

Everyone I know that has given up/cut down has used ECigs, my pregnant DD included.

Do that may be the answer, then he can time cigs in between when it is safe to do so.

SistersOfPercy · 22/07/2014 10:21

YABU. OorWullie is right, unless he really wants to quit he's just going to fail. All pressurising him is going to do is turn him into a secret smoker.
You met, married and had three children with a smoker, seems unfair on him to now lump on the guilt.

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 10:21

Funny how so many people have survived years of living with heavy smokers unscathed. My parents were 40 a dayers, in the house, in the car, everywhere. 40 years on we are both fine. You can't and shouldn't try to force him to give up. He doesn't even smoke around them. They are in greater danger from chemicals in food and car fumes. I really wish the hysteria about smoking would calm down a bit

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 10:22

""But I also can't stand the smoking and can't have it around our children any longer, ""

Is this pregnancy hormones talking?

To choose to get pregnant, for a third time to a smoker, then set it as a deal breaker, would be ridiculous.

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 10:23

And 'tell him to move out'?.. How utterley utterley ridiculous

DalmationStripe · 22/07/2014 10:24

I agree with everyone else, sorry op. I do know how you feel though as my DP was a smoker too. I hated it too especially when the children were born. I made him wash his hands/brush his teeth and change tshirt after every cigarette. Eventually I got him to try an ecig and he never went back to smoking. I love not having the horrible smoke smell I just wish he had tried them earlier.

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 10:24

Or is it utterly? Oops spelling fail

Original poster
Polkaa · 22/07/2014 10:29

He gave up smoking as soon as I was pregnant with 1st DC. The same with the 2nd. I expected him to do the same with our 3rd child!

OP posts:
WatchingSeaMonkeys · 22/07/2014 10:30

We both smoked (outside) for the first 18 years of our childrens lives, we managed to do it without killing them, without having to change into a new set of clothes every time we came back into the house.

I'm an ex-smoker now & quite rabid about it, but even so - some of the precautions on MN are bizarre!

One thing - you have to want to give up, otherwise you make a token effort & get angry with everyone before sneaking back onto them....

I also agree with others - you knew he smoked, he smoked with the other 2 - why is this such a deal breaker?

SistersOfPercy · 22/07/2014 10:32

polka then you have unreasonable expectations. You can't expect someone to do something if deep down they don't want to.

Again, in your OP you state "DH has always smoked". You met him as a smoker, married him as a smoker and conceived 3 kids with him as a smoker. I'm quite sure he will give up, but I'm guessing it will be when he is ready not when you tell him to.

Bardette · 22/07/2014 10:34

Funny how so many people have survived years of living with heavy smokers unscathed.
And so many others haven't. Smoking is such an odd thing, nobody needs to smoke, there are no health benefits and why society conspires to protect the right of people to continue with such a damaging and unnecessary past time is beyond me.
In my experience saying 'you have to want to quit' gives smokers an easy out, they are never going to want to.
Smokers are constantly told how hard it will be to give up, how strong their addiction is etc. They need to be told the opposite to help them break the psychological addiction - that it is in fact quite easy to stop, yes you'll feel uncomfortable and grumpy for a while but that's it, it's not that bad.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 10:34

TantrumsAndBalloons
but...how can it be a deal breaker? now? after 3 children and however many years? Its not like the dh just started smoking yesterday, he has always smoked

I know, but often having children crystallises things - things that previously seemed ok DO become dealbreakers.

I wouldn't have had children with a smoker. The OP has. She's now realising that it's something that she can't have it around our children any longer She's not being unreasonable to firm up on what behaviours/actions her wants around her children even if that does represent a changing of the goal posts.