DH will not give up smoking and baby due in 2 months

[Polkaa]

We have 2 children already, age 2 and 3. I am pregnant with our 3rd due in 8 weeks. DH has always smoked, but in the last has given up when I've been pregnant and during the newborn stage, but always goes back to it when babies are a few months old.

He never smokes in the house, but obviously the smell and nicotine is on his face, hands and clothes if he is always opposing outside for a cigarette. He probably smokes 20 a day but is in complete denial about this and will say 2/3 if you asked him.

He has been promising to give up since January, but still hadn't made any attempt. If I push him, really push him to, I will get a very angry response and arguments. He will also be incredibly grumpy and bad tempered when he gives up at first. I don't want this as I'm just about coping with the pregnancy and 2 young DC as it is.

But I also can't stand the smoking and can't have it around our children any longer, never mind our NB baby.

To choose to get pregnant, for a third time to a smoker, then set it as a deal breaker, would be ridiculous.

This with knobs on ^^

You knew he smoked when you chose to have children with him.

Im shocked by some of the answers here. So its ok for a man to risk the life and health of his newborn baby just because he doesnt want to stop said behaviour??? I dont believe it is.

Why don't you believe it?

Maternal obesity figures are climbing rapidly, yet many women still actively try to conceive while overweight - thus risking the health of their babies and themselves.

These things are never as simple and black and white as some people make out.

That sounds horrid but it doesn't sound like you can change him, sorry. Save your energy would be my advice. Your older children are only a short growth burst away from understanding that ciggarettes can kill you and starting to ask some very awkward questions / get upset

Junk food has ill effects on children too, but no one suggests slinging a dad out for buying his kids chips.

If dad was force feeding the kids you would.

OP

As he has given up in the past for a few months that doesn't seem unreasonable for him to do again.

Ask him why he is unwilling to do it this time.

How can anyone advise a pregnant woman who already has 2 young children to leave her husband because he smokes? People doling out this advice are coming across as very smug.

Encourage him with e-cigs and anything else you can but to break up a home and separate 3 children from their (I've no doubt) loving father is nonsense.

He was a smoker when you married him - that was the time for ultimatums surely - not now. I know you're not happy with the situation but don't do anything you can't undo because a few know all people on here tell you to then happily get on with their own lives with no more thought of you.

Mumsnet is a past-time for most of us. We're only qualified to give opinions - not advice.

It's really blimmin hard to give up smoking, he is trying so that's the main thing. E cigs are really good, the smokers quit line is what made me give up, something they said, it just clicked. Cheaper than e cigs, too.

There are two issues here.
One is the damage his smoking is doing to his health, and the long-term consequences that has for him as a parent, and you as a parent.
It doesn't sound like he really wants to give up, but stop for a few months if you really push him. Do you want him to give up for good, or just while the baby is small? If it is the former, is he willing to get any sort of help? Use e-cigarettes, patches, hypnosis?

The second is the risk his 'third hand' smoke poses to your baby. And I'm afraid despite all the hysterical Daily Mail headlines, there is no proven link between someone coming in with smoke on their hands/clothes/hair, and any sort smoking-related diseases. There just isn't. I've read the scientific papers and I've read the press articles that result from a non-scientist rehashing them.

And because I can feel the flamethrowers coming out already, this link is probably the neatest summary of it all, albeit one from a liberal thinktank who-would-say-that-wouldn't-they, but it quotes heavily from the source papers, rather than the articles with paraphrase badly

That isn't to say him coming in stinking of smoke isn't unpleasant, especially when you are pregnant. But maybe if this is a case of picking your battles, him giving up for good will be a better one to pick than him stopping for the next few months.

Sorry, here is the link I mentioned:
Third Hand smoke - the scientific facts

"To live in my house with a newborn you need to - wear a different top every time you go outside to smoke, come in was your hands, face and use mouthwash, and wait 10 minutes before coming into the room the baby is in."

It is his house too. If a man started saying 'my house' or 'my children' people would be yelling emotional abuse.

namechangecozembarrasing Tue 22-Jul-14 10:49:08
Wouldn't have had children with a smoker. Nice. Ye Gads.

Me neither. I wouldn't have even kissed them.

YABU.

OP I really sympathise!

My DH smokes and made noises about quitting while I pregnant with our LO who is now nearly 6 months.

He never did quit in the end...literally once I'd had the baby I became so aware of who was smoking near us or who had just smoked and wanted to hold the baby.

The midwife explained a few things to us about the dangers of smoking with a newborn in the home...but there were times in the first week or so when he'd leave our LO crying then step outside for a quick fag before giving some milk- that one really upset me.

I remember the nail in the coffin was when we talked about our friends who have a young baby too- she smoked all the way through the pregnancy, DH commented about how their baby was 'perfect' and not affected by the smoking.

It was like he reasoned that if smoking did not harm a tiny baby, then it seemed to be ok for him to continue.
I was totally

Sorry OP didn't actually give some advice!

Some of the suggestions have been good esp about the ecigs...def worth suggesting!
One of my good friends was a hardcore smoker and managed to give up using the ecigs

I had the opposite - when I quit (mid 20s, pre DC), my (now) DH (who has never smoked a cigarette in his life) begged me not to give up as he liked the smell!

Certainly wouldn't be breaking up a family over this issue, though I acknowledge it is annoying. I wonder if as a compromise he can cut down when at home (vs free rein at work etc)?

Would echo what the other ex smokers said - I tried to quit a couple of times because I thought I "should" - didn't work. Then, one day, I just decided I'd had enough- haven't had a cig since (7 years ago). You need to want to do it for you.