DH will not give up smoking and baby due in 2 months

[Polkaa]

We have 2 children already, age 2 and 3. I am pregnant with our 3rd due in 8 weeks. DH has always smoked, but in the last has given up when I've been pregnant and during the newborn stage, but always goes back to it when babies are a few months old.

He never smokes in the house, but obviously the smell and nicotine is on his face, hands and clothes if he is always opposing outside for a cigarette. He probably smokes 20 a day but is in complete denial about this and will say 2/3 if you asked him.

He has been promising to give up since January, but still hadn't made any attempt. If I push him, really push him to, I will get a very angry response and arguments. He will also be incredibly grumpy and bad tempered when he gives up at first. I don't want this as I'm just about coping with the pregnancy and 2 young DC as it is.

But I also can't stand the smoking and can't have it around our children any longer, never mind our NB baby.

I don't see why he should give up smoking. The MUM needs to give up if pregnant, not the dad

I'd guess that he knows he doesn't need to give up. He gave up as soon as you were pregnant with the first child, but went back to it. Then did the same with the second. I'd imagine he thinks there's no point in giving up for a few weeks this time either.

I think the best you can hope for is him switching to e-cigs. He clearly doesn't want to not be a smoker and you've accepted it up until now.

Ok then Stary, she should kick her partner out and deprive her kids of a dad. Because he smokes. Outside.

stary it is ridiculously extreme imho to tell the dh he has to leave the house. He has always been a smoker. The OP knew this.

WatchingSeaMonkeys

We both smoked (outside) for the first 18 years of our childrens lives, we managed to do it without killing them, without having to change into a new set of clothes every time we came back into the house

I'm an ex-smoker now & quite rabid about it, but even so - some of the precautions on MN are bizarre!

Usually I'm the first to about some MN oddities, but the extra layer of clothes advice isn't just a MN thing: news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/merseyside/7284793.stm

Have we all not fixated on an issue that seems like it should be a deal breaker, or very important, when we are pregnant?

My DD is sobbing over the most stupid things at 20 weeks.

Telling a pregnant woman to make a life changing decision is very poor advice (unless for physical safety reasons, of course).

You could reverse that though and say it is ridiculous for the dad to choose smoking over his family.

And namechanging you are seriously misinformed if you think fathers smoking has no ill effects on children.

and stary lets not forget they are hischildren as well as hers.

He isnt choosing smoking over his family.

He is choosing to smoke, outside. As he has done ever since they got married.

He's not choosing smoking over his family! Ffs you would think he's trying to make the children smoke!!

"He doesn't seem to care about the health implications for our baby"

Presumably you married this man and made 3 babies knowing he was a smoker ?

Addiction is far more complicated than just giving up because family and friends are nagging you to.

YABU. All you can do is insist on 'safe' smoking around the children.

And yes, I do agree that OP knew DH was a smoker, he has always been a smoker etc. I wouldn't have had childern with a smoker.

But I think just because you are OK with something once, it doesn't have to mean you are ok with something forever.

Junk food has ill effects on children too, but no one suggests slinging a dad out for buying his kids chips.

but you cannot then say "now i have decided i dont like it, get out of my house"

Wouldn't have had children with a smoker. Nice. Ye Gads.

Has he tried the champix or zyban tablets? They helped me quit and I was committed to smoking! The thing with smoking is, the thought of "not being allowed" makes you panicky. You smoke at first when taking them, and then you slowly realise you're ok without fags. They help with the mental bit of giving up, which is of course the hardest bit.

It isn't being OK with something once. Smoking is something he does several (possibly 20) times a day and has done since before the OP even met him. She's been OK with it thousands of times.

Even the smoking which babies in the family thing isn't something she's accepted once. She accepted it with both children.

It's like a vegetarian marrying a meat eater and then deciding after several years that she cannot stand his carnivorous ways and insisting that he stop eating meat (regardless of him buying and cooking it himself).

I'm sorry but regardless of whether he gave up smoking when you were pregnant previously, he was smoking again when presumably you chose to get pregnant? You shouldn't have just assumed and should have had the conversation prior to getting pregnant.

Also, the poster that says "tell him these are the rules for my baby/house." That's ridiculous. It's HIS house and baby too, how would you feel if a fundamental part of you was being used to tell you how to treat your own child?

Yes, it would be better if he didn't smoke, and yes there needs to be rules around smoking and handling the baby but you can't just suddenly decide he HAS to stop. I think you also seem to be missing that he obviously has an addiction and it isn't just as simple as to say "I'll stop."

My DH smokes, it's not ideal but I appreciate the want and motivation to stop has to come from him. I'm afraid bullying and threatening him with access over his own children wouldn't sit very well with my husband at all. Neither would I expect it to.

my dh swore he would quit when we started trying, when I got pg, when the baby arrived. He moved to e cigs when she was born but over the last few months the cigarettes have crept back in and in short, I still live with a smoker. Its really difficult, it drives me mad that he hampers his health in this way but I knew he was a smoker when I married him and had his children. I have had to stop going on about it in the way I did, it wasn't helping anyone. He knows he should quit, his health is a major source of worry for him, but as he doesn't yet WANT to its just not going to happen. I would just set boundaries together I think its reasonable to expect him to go back to e cigs and commit to it to say for the first 6 mnts. Take it from there. Ask him what it is that keeps him caving in and going back. Good luck!

namechangecozembarrasing
Wouldn't have had children with a smoker. Nice. Ye Gads

What's your problem? I wouldn't have had children with a gambler, a drug user or an alcoholic either. Excuse me for thinking carefully about the kind of man I want to live with and have children with.

DeadCert
"I'm afraid bullying and threatening him with access over his own children wouldn't sit very well with my husband at all. Neither would I expect it to."

Exactly. Some of the comments on this thread have been not far short of suggesting emotional abuse towards this man.... "Do as I say, or else". A disgusting way to behave IMO.

I would be so cross if I was you, he usually gives up and has been promising and hasn't. It is the most statistically significant cause of SIDS, the smoker doesn't have to be the mother for that to still be true.

The hoops he would have to jump through to get into my house during the newborn phase would be so high quitting would be an easy alternative.

Stary you sound really charming. And so tolerant.

It's his house too, and he smokes OUTSIDE