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Original poster

DH will not give up smoking and baby due in 2 months

89 replies

Polkaa · 22/07/2014 09:55

We have 2 children already, age 2 and 3. I am pregnant with our 3rd due in 8 weeks. DH has always smoked, but in the last has given up when I've been pregnant and during the newborn stage, but always goes back to it when babies are a few months old.

He never smokes in the house, but obviously the smell and nicotine is on his face, hands and clothes if he is always opposing outside for a cigarette. He probably smokes 20 a day but is in complete denial about this and will say 2/3 if you asked him.

He has been promising to give up since January, but still hadn't made any attempt. If I push him, really push him to, I will get a very angry response and arguments. He will also be incredibly grumpy and bad tempered when he gives up at first. I don't want this as I'm just about coping with the pregnancy and 2 young DC as it is.

But I also can't stand the smoking and can't have it around our children any longer, never mind our NB baby.

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 22/07/2014 11:05

Namechange: I don't see any problem at all with people who would refuse to have children with a smoker. I'd refuse to have a relationship with a smoker at all (never mind getting to the point where children were an option). Indeed, I wouldn't want to kiss a smoker.

There are lots of things we would not accept in our partners. A lot of people do not like smoking and don't want it to feature in their lives (which it inevitably would if you get involved with a smoker). I wouldn't choose to get involved with someone I knew had issues with alcoholism or took drugs. I wouldn't really want to get involved with a vegan because that would be likely to impact on my life in ways I wouldn't want to. I wouldn't want to have a relationship to someone who insisted they must play golf all day every Saturday and Sunday. And there are loads of things about me that loads of people would not be willing to put up with in a relationship. That's just how it is.

It doesn't mean I think smokers (or vegans or golfers or anyone struggling with addiction) are bad people to be excluded from society. It just means I don't want to get into a relationship with them because I have certain ideas about how I want my life to be and because I don't want to change people to my liking. I don't have any intention to stop other people doing these things. Nor do I think that no one should want to have a relationship with smokers or vegans or golfers or whatever.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 22/07/2014 11:05

catticals that is actually one of the most absurd things I have read for a long time.

The dh is, and always has been a smoker. Of course if he chooses to continue, which believe it or not is his choice, then there are certain precautions he has to take with a baby.

But..jumping through hoops? To "get into your house"?
Let's hope your dh doesn't suddenly turn against something you have done for years and has the same attitude.

Original poster
Polkaa · 22/07/2014 11:06

He did obviously agree to give up smoking with this baby too. He promised that would happen over Christmas/New Year.

OP posts:
namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 11:08

Fair enough Calamitous, I just think it's not a good idea to have such a narrow set of ideals for a prospective partner. People aren't perfect. I'd rather have a smoker than an arsehole!

CalamitouslyWrong · 22/07/2014 11:09

Does it really make that much difference if he gives up for the next 3 months and then starts again, though? The baby will still be tiny. At what age does it suddenly become ok for the father to be a smoker?

You know he'd only be giving up temporarily.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 11:10

DeadCert
I'm afraid bullying and threatening him with access over his own children wouldn't sit very well with my husband at all. Neither would I expect it to

LongTimeLurking
Exactly. Some of the comments on this thread have been not far short of suggesting emotional abuse towards this man.... "Do as I say, or else". A disgusting way to behave IMO

If I said to my husband "I have serious concerns about the welfare of our family due to xyz" I truly think he would make every effort to DO something about xyz because he cares about us, not because he felt threatened!

If you replace smoking with any other kind of addiction, you would not give the OP the advice of "well you made your bed, you lie in it".

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 11:12

I would just like to state that I smoked for years. My husband was nothing but kind, tolerant and supportive both when I smoked and after I gave up 10 years ago. I LOVED him for that.

Original poster
Polkaa · 22/07/2014 11:12

Actually I would hope he would just not go back to it once given up. But if he doesn't give up in the first place we have no chance of that. He's getting older and needs to start thinking about his health more.

OP posts:
CalamitouslyWrong · 22/07/2014 11:14

It's possible to find plenty of non-smoking non-arseholes.

Smoking, alcoholism and drug use are absolute NOs for me. I'd maybe accept golf or veganism if I liked someone enough Grin.

I also choose not to have relationships with lesbians or gay men. The gay and lesbian population don't seem to be bothered by this in the least. Of course, the key difference there is that gay and lesbian people aren't making choices (like golfers and vegans are). Still they don't mind that I don't want to have relationships with them (I'm pretty sure they don't want to have relationships with me either).

What I wouldn't do is start a relationship with a vegan and then decide that he must change.

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 11:15

Polkaa your best chance of getting him to give up is to really kind and supportive, and don't try and force him, it will just drive a wedge between you

ICanSeeTheSun · 22/07/2014 11:16

I quit 6 weeks ago, I wanted to quit and was in the right frame of mind.

I have no desire to smoke again, every thing is better now I don't smoke. The DC are happier that I'm not stopping every 5 minutes for a fag, DH is happier and kisses and hugs me a lot more. I have more money, more time and I feel better within my self.

Tbh with 3 children under 3 I would find it hard to quit.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 11:16

namechangecozembarrasing
Stary you sound really charming. And so tolerant

I assume you're being sarcastic? So choosing not to have children with a smoker, gambler, drug user or alcoholic makes me intolerant? OK Hmm

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 11:17

True Calamitous, I myself managed to marry a non-smoking non-arsehole Grin

CalamitouslyWrong · 22/07/2014 11:17

If you replace smoking with any other kind of addiction, you would not give the OP the advice of "well you made your bed, you lie in it".

I don't agree. If the OP had said she'd knowingly gotten into a relationship with a heroin addict or an alcoholic, I think people would still be saying 'what did you expect?' It's different if you didn't know they had an addiction, or the addiction came later on in the relationship. But you really do have to accept people as they are in a relationship, rather than seeing them as a fixer-upper.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 11:19

ICanSeeTheSun
I quit 6 weeks ago, I wanted to quit and was in the right frame of mind

I think I remember you posting that you were giving up - you've done really well. Smile

namechangecozembarrasing · 22/07/2014 11:20

No Stary I'm not being sarcastic. Your posts come across as extremely intolerant

Staryyeyedsurprise · 22/07/2014 11:32

namechangecozembarrasing
Stary you sound really charming. And so tolerant

namechangecozembarrasing
No Stary I'm not being sarcastic. Your posts come across as extremely intolerant

Well then you don't undertand the meaning of either sarcastic or tolerant/intolerant because your posts are inconsistent.

LongTimeLurking · 22/07/2014 11:33

Also, we keep talking about this as a 'addiction'. But maybe, just maybe, he actually enjoys smoking and finds it a pleasurable activity?

stagsden · 22/07/2014 11:34

Im shocked by some of the answers here. So its ok for a man to risk the life and health of his newborn baby just because he doesnt want to stop said behaviour??? I dont believe it is.

I dont think it was unreasonable of op to expect him to quit when he promised he would and did through all the previous pregnancies and newborn stages.

Op ill be honest i would not risk the life and health of my baby. I would expect, at the very least for him to use ecigs.

stagsden · 22/07/2014 11:36

Oh and could you ask the midwife for some help on it? It is afterall part of their job to assist in creating in a smoke free household for babies.

WatchingSeaMonkeys · 22/07/2014 11:38

But maybe, just maybe, he actually enjoys smoking and finds it a pleasurable activity?

This.

It's why I smoked for 19 years and it's why the minute I stopped enjoying it I just stopped.....

People are so desperate to play the "addict" card that they don't realise that it can be enjoyable & can be very social.

The one thing I missed when I gave up was all the chats with people from other departments & the networking we did. I tried to carry it on when I quit, but it's hard to stand out in the cold & rain with no incentive!!

Jayne35 · 22/07/2014 11:40

In my experience saying 'you have to want to quit' gives smokers an easy out, they are never going to want to

This is not true, and something only a non smoker would say. I tried to give up for my children and DH a few times in the past. Now I am seven weeks no smoking because I really want to quit now. I'm far happier, on previous quits I was miserable and snappy until I started smoking again.

OP suggest the ecig to DH, that's what I used to start with and it doesn't smell at all, going on at him really won't help, he will just dig heels in and smoke more. Good luck Smile

naty1 · 22/07/2014 11:45

I think he is putting it before his newborn. If it increases the chance of sids.
Hopefully he will try e cigs.

Second hand smoke is so bad for you. (Ackowldge he is smoking outside)
Dsis and i both have asthma, allergies, hayfever (fertility issues) and thyroid problems probably related to DM smoking during pregnancy and all our lives.
She had a heart attack before 60 and still has chest infections so antibiotics and hospitalisations, despite giving up 10 yrs ago. I would say she wouldnt have made it this far without giving up.
My dad patiently waited for her to give up herself but it took about 2-3 hospital stays for that to happen and probably 30-40 yrs.

I would never go out with a smoker, but i know a lot do give up, in fact all the smokers i know have given up a lot of them when they were trying for kids.

Our drs have a chart showing how must money goes up in smoke over 20,30yrs etc

gamerchick · 22/07/2014 11:46

3

SistersOfPercy · 22/07/2014 11:48

In my experience saying 'you have to want to quit' gives smokers an easy out, they are never going to want to

As Jayne says thats just not true.

I started smoking at 16, I smoked until I was in my mid 20's, stopped enjoying a cigarette and stopped. Early 30's I had a blip. I tried to stop repeatedly as DH hated it (though I smoked when we met) but the only outcome was I became a secret smoker. I actually enjoyed sitting in the garden with a coffee and a cigarette.
One winter, stood freezing in the garden I questioned why I was doing this and why I was paying that amount of money to shiver in the snow and that was my epiphany to quit. I saw my GP, was prescribed Zyban and slowly but surely stopped over the course of 2 months. That time I succeeded because I wanted to and I've been smoke free ever since (about 5 years now)

I've had so many failed attempts because I was pushed into giving up. I had to want to do it.