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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
usualsuspectt · 21/07/2014 20:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 21/07/2014 20:49

I've been married for 20 years (fucking hell...20 years....) and DH and I do think what we do is each others business. We work together as a unit - we have separate lives, work, hobbies and interests, but in the context of that unit.

indigo18 · 21/07/2014 20:50

I think this is very rude; I have been invited to colleagues' weddings, with a group of colleagues and no partners. That's fine. Sometimes I have been invited to the whole day, sometimes the evening. However, to expect someone to travel abroad for several days and not invite their wife of long standing seems shocking to me! How is it not the OP's "business"? Some people on here have a strange view of married life; it's nothing to do with being controlling either.

Original poster
Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 20:51

Lala83- I agree with your post , it is meant to be all about 'marriage ' isn't it ! It feels odd when you are married yourself to go to a wedding alone. I've done it, usually for reasons of illness. It is a celebration of 'marriage' after all.
Phaedra - of course it's a bit my business if DH goes away. We both have weekends away alone every year, but it has to rely on mutual support as the partner at home has to look after the family single handed which is tough ! And aren't finances joint within a marriage ?

OP posts:
treaclesoda · 21/07/2014 20:53

I've been invited to a wedding before without dh. We were both delighted - he is very shy, weddings bore him, and the thought of making small talk with strangers is hellish for him. I was able to go on my own and just relax without having to worry about him being miserable. Win win.

But, I would find it very weird for one of us to be invited to a wedding abroad without the other because of the financial aspect.

fluffymouse · 21/07/2014 20:53

Inviting only one person out of a married couple to a wedding is extremely rude. It doesn't take an etiquette expert to know that.

Nowadays with so many couples choosing not to marry, it is also correct etiquette to invite cohabiting partners.

In short Yanbu.

MBT1987 · 21/07/2014 20:54

Hang on... So you have weekends apart from each other to do with as you wish, but he isn't allowed this weekend for some inane reason?

YABU. End of.

HavanaSlife · 21/07/2014 20:54

I can't see a problem with a group of colleagues being invited to a wedding without their oh, weddings are expensive why invite lots of people you don't know

Orangeisthenewbanana · 21/07/2014 20:55

It wouldn't bother me if it was a local do, but an overseas wedding that involves a weekend away? That is a bit weird to not invite partners, and even I would say work colleagues unless you are particularly close to them.

Lala83 · 21/07/2014 20:55

I think you're right OP, it's not suspicious and maybe im being too conventional and old fashioned. Then again if you take that line, so is the institution of marriage! I got married abroad and we invited our close work colleagues and their partners even if not married. We are now a close knit group as married couples, I like to think partly because that wedding ceiled a few relationships! ;-) I don't think doing romantic things like weddings together makes you controlling!

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 20:56

YANBU

I agree - You should ask to see the wedding invite. (hubby could be spinning you a line)

I would be hurt if my husband wanted to to to something like that without me.

(and we're not joined at the hip, we both go to other separate things).
I just think that if you're marriage is good and he cares about you, he would want you to go with him.

(go along for the holiday anyway)

hollycomputer · 21/07/2014 20:57

DH was invited to the wedding of a former mutual colleague and I wasn't. I was a bit offended as I knew the bloke too but he said there were no plus ones because of costs. Such is life.

indigo18 · 21/07/2014 20:57

My DD is now of an age where friends are getting married and has been invited to three weddings this summer, without her boyfriend (of 2+ years). This is fine, but each wedding requires a whole weekend, quite a lot of travel and two nights away each time. I feel sorry for the BF, who would like to join her. In addition, two of the weddings involved hen weekends away, one spread over Friday to Monday.
Both understand limitations of budget, etc, but I feel that if you have been friends with someone for 16 years (in one case), that you could include a long-term boyfriend.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 20:58

Piper of course single people can come to a wedding! I (and I don't think Bowlers either) wasn't implying only a married person can celebrate a marriage. What I was saying is that it's strange/rude to celebrate a marriage and belittle/ignore other people's marriages. Just don't invite the colleagues if money is an issue. Shock horror - invite your family and friends!

Picklepest · 21/07/2014 20:58

This isn't modern. It's bloody strange. It makes no actual sense. If planning a wedding away priority is close loved people. Is he her mentor? Long standing colleague? I just don't see a work colleague making the grade without some serious history, and if that history existed you would know it in detail, and poss latterly be part of it - drinks out etc with partners. A wedding away you look to keep costs lean. Maybe more than home based really. His value to the day would be a minimum of £50 for sit down meal inc drink. And that's money she could be saving for elsewhere.

If I were you I think I'd be phoning the hotel on the quiet to enquire as to if she's booked with some story ready. I really hope I'm wrong. I'm crossing all.

amicissimma · 21/07/2014 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ICanSeeTheSun · 21/07/2014 21:00

I had my wedding, I had it exactly how I wanted I don't need somebody else's wedding to relive my wedding or the celebrate my marriage.

It's this brides wedding and it's her turn to have her dream wedding.

Op why would you want to go to a strangers wedding.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:00

Please people, stop telling the OP her husband is having an affair! It's not fair to implicate him like that or make her worry about this when the thought had never crossed her mind.

DuckandCat · 21/07/2014 21:01

I think the fact that they are getting married abroad changes things, and yes it is strange that you are not invited.

Me and DH once received an invitation to an overseas wedding, however our 8mo was not invited Confused

shouldacoulda · 21/07/2014 21:01

Sounds like he wants to go on a 'jolly' without you.
Midlife crisis maybe?

The clue is in the words 'younger female colleague' inviting him.
There are going to be LOTS of young females at this wedding. And it sounds like an ego trip to him.
Men that age are easily flattered by younger people paying them attention.
Having wifey along would cramp his style.

Yes, midlife crisis and no fool like an old fool spring to mind.

(sorry to be so brutal but I'm sure others can see this).

If he insists on going - you should definitely go with him.

Original poster
Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 21:02

There's nothing dodgy as people are suggesting ! We all have colleagues who are unknown to our partners don't we ?
For us time away from the family is a bigger issue !!

OP posts:
ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 21:02

MBT I think her point is that if he's going away for the weekend, she then does all the family work, so it needs to be for something that makes the sacrifice worth it for her? That's how it is for me anyway. Some things I'm happy to enable, some things, not so much.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 21:03

Boom, there it is!

PhaedraIsMyName · 21/07/2014 21:03

So their marriage is so important that they expect colleagues to shell out for a weekend abroad and use up family time

Oh for goodness sake aren't couples allowed some time off from each other?

daisychain01 · 21/07/2014 21:04

It isn't about not being able to be apart

It probably isn't the money

It is about recognising married couple are ... well married couples fffs

Especially as it's abroad the DH will have memories that the poor OP won't be a part of

No bollox it is not nice and YADDNBU I hope he politely declines