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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
ExitPursuedByAKoalaBear · 21/07/2014 19:27

Well?

JewelFairies · 21/07/2014 19:29

I've never heard of this before and if this happened to us dh would refuse to go on his own.
As it's a colleague, is it just a token invite to be polite and she doesn't really want her colleagues showing up?

theflyingpig · 21/07/2014 19:33

This can be a tricky area when you're talking about other halves of say less than about a year's standing [and don't forget that the invites have to go out a long time before the actual big day] because spaces are nearly always at a premium [due to cost - mine set me back about £100 per guest as i recall - and also space constraints in venue] & frankly the couple don't want to make sacrifices for OHs if it's too early to tell whether they're going to be friends in the longer term.

This situation is unusual though, since:

1 - we're talking about a spouse of 20 years' standing, hardly a 'fly by night'; and
2 - the wedding is overseas, making the hosting cost per guest to the couple far lower than the travel cost to the guest - anyone who goes to the wedding will be giving up a lot to do so.

Really the whole thing sounds a bit odd.

If I were the OP I'd strongly suggest that the husband didn't go, frankly.

SocialMediaAddict · 21/07/2014 19:33

Odd.

Is he going?

Jackie0 · 21/07/2014 19:36

He isn't actually considering going is he ?
It's bizarre. Yes by all means extend an invitation to work mates for an evening do but if you invite someone to the ceremony you include their spouse, of course you do! The fact that it's abroad makes it even worse. There no way I'd go without my dh nor him without me.

Flipflops7 · 21/07/2014 19:36

Seems odd to me, especially if a weekend away is involved. Would want DH to say no, pronto.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/07/2014 19:40

Ver rude and odd. Dies not matter if she has never met you, it's bad etiquette! I invited relatives and partners who I never met to my wedding, it would be rude not! Your dh does not have to go.

meganorks · 21/07/2014 19:41

I think its weirder inviting partners who you have never/rarely met at the expense of your own friends (ie not being able to invite them because of numbers) And colleagues in particular are often people with whom you can be very close and hardly know their partners.

If you want to go on the trip abroad then just go with hubby but entertain yourself on that day. Its not that hard. Why you so interested in going to the wedding of someone you hardly know anyway?

gamerchick · 21/07/2014 19:41

Have you seen the invitation?

Bowlersarm · 21/07/2014 19:42

YANBU.

Rude and strange.

YouGeorgeBernardMate · 21/07/2014 19:43

To the posters who've said they would want or expect their DH to decline. If money wasn't an issue (and a reciprocal arrangement in place for when you want to go away for a weekend) why would you want your DH's to say no to the invitation?

Where's the harm?

TheRealAmandaClarke · 21/07/2014 19:43

YANBU. As its an overseas thing. And a wedding.
It's not a night out with friends/ colleagues.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 19:44

I would be pissed off if my DH went. Not spending family money on him going to some random wedding who wouldn't want me there, when we could have our own holiday together/do something better for the family with the same money.

Weird, rude, and YANBU.

YouGeorgeBernardMate · 21/07/2014 19:45

I hit send too soon.

There seems to be a lot of insecurity coming out here. It's clear that there are some posters, the ones asking if the OP's seen the invitation, who think it's a made up story to get the DH a chance to shag around.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 19:45

This is not odd for work colleagues, I've been to 2 weddings of work colleagues and there were no plus one invites. There's a bloke on our team who doesn't not go anywhere without his wife, that includes work nights out and Christmas parties, which she came to and was the only partner there. We think it's a bit odd and a bit sad.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 21/07/2014 19:46

YouGeorge I doubt an overseas wedding is a small enough amount of cash for that not to be an issue for most people.

Yes, if I could then go on a spa weekend for the same amount of money, great. But the reality is that we'd cut something out for the family instead.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/07/2014 19:47

It's rude, full stop. Yes I would expect my dh to decline the invite which he would. We have been invited to my ex BIL wedding, he us lovely and we go back a long way, I have never met his soon to be wife. We both got an invite, dh and I

YouGeorgeBernardMate · 21/07/2014 19:54

Choos, I get what you're saying about the money, but what if it wasn't an issue? What's the objection then, bearing in mind that there's no evidence of a personal snub here?

Insecurity? Distrust?

It sure sounds like it from some of the posters, those who're asking if the OP's seen the invitation.

MissBattleaxe · 21/07/2014 19:57

I started of thinking it was sort of normal these days, if its just a bunch of colleagues going to the evening do.

However what changes this is the fact that it's abroad.

Why would you invite colleagues to an overseas wedding? Why would you not let them bring a partner if you were expecting them to part with a big load of money to go abroad?

Here's the possibilities:

  1. the bride is rude,
  2. or she enjoys the camaraderie at work so much she wants to transfer it abroad without considering others or their families.
  3. or they are all hedge fund managers and have spare money hanging around,
  4. or you are invited and DH doesn't want you to go,
  5. or he is not invited and just making excuses so he can get up to no good.

I think its 2).

YouGeorgeBernardMate · 21/07/2014 20:01

I think it's 2 as well MissBattleaxe . I can understand 2. I don't have a problem with it.

rpitchfo · 21/07/2014 20:01

If you have a limited amount of people you can afford to have a wedding I think it's a real shame people "expect" to be one of those invitations when you have never even met them.

londonrach · 21/07/2014 20:03

Strange...

eggsandwich · 21/07/2014 20:06

NO this is not the norm, and I would kick off big time and I'm 50 and been married 18 years, I wonder how he would feel if the situation was the other way around, I bet he would'nt be best please either, and to those that say their wedding their rules, bollocks!

when you have been married for 20 years your an item, so for me if you don't, or can not afford to invite both friends and partners, then you need to look at your guest list more intensely and see who you really want there.

PiperRose · 21/07/2014 20:10

I don't get people saying that this is rude. Why are you automatically entitled to go to a wedding of someone you don't know just because your partner is invited?

Are you incapable of being apart for that long?

Flipflops7 · 21/07/2014 20:11

I don't think this is like the office Christmas party (DH always wants to come to mine, I always say no and wouldn't go to his!). This is taking a person away from their family for a weekend. It does seem odd to me and I don't think the antis are being insecure (shagging around hadn't even occurred to me) it's just odd, discomfiting, and a bit rude. If you can't feed a plus one then don't invite at all. DH and I have been to weddings on our own but through choice, not abroad and not for a weekend.

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