To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

[Homealoneagain]

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

And since you ask, for me a "strong attitude" (fuzzy expression sorry) is in sickness and in health, for richer for poorer, for better for worse, Tim death do us part etc etc, ideally. Like I said, traditional! But that hasn't stopped me helping a couple of friends LTB - am idealistic but recognise the realities.

You are assuming and saying those people that don't have the same belief as you do, on this, don't value their marriages (in sickness and in health etc.). That's ridiculous and a tenuous massive leap into space and beyond.

Just because people don't have an issue with their DH going to a wedding alone (herebor abroad) does not mean they don't strongly value their marriages in the same traditional way you do.

My note also includes those people that don't want to invite random people they know to their wedding, regardless of whether that random person has been married to a work colleague/friend etc. for 2, 5, 20, 30 years or however long.

That should be "they don't know"

No, that wasn't what I was saying - I also don't have an issue with DH going abroad, which I've said repeatedly. And I've also said I think a cohabiting/LTR has as much value, and that I think they should be asked too.

What I was saying, was that:
a) I was talking about people who haven't felt the need to get married at all (unsurprisingly) not seeming to have the same attitudes as those who are married - ie not that people who would let their DH go don't have the same values as me/don't value their marriages as much (since I've said I would let my DH go too how can I be saying that?)
b) people keep conflating the two things - whether it's OK for her to feel annoyed at not being asked, and whether it's OK for her DH to go (he is going)

I think the whole thing about whether the DH should go is a red herring anyway. It's not what the thread was about. OP was asking whether she was U to be annoyed she wasn't asked, not whether she was U to let him go.

OP: goodness that's extraordinary that she hasn't invited me when we've been together 20 years. Surely that can't be normal these days. I'm off to ask Mumsnet: "AIBU to be annoyed not to be invited - has social convention really changed?"

Mumsnet:
Lots of married people: "YANBU, I'd be annoyed too, I think it's rude, though I would/wouldn't mind my DH going and yes it can be quite normal these days"
Lots of unmarried people: "YABU, I wouldn't mind if my DP weren't invited, lots of people don't invite partners, that's quite normal these days"

OP: (hmm yes lots of people say it's normal these days after all, better suck it up) "Ah, OK. DH is going."

Me: "Gosh, isn't that interesting. Lots of the married people are saying it's rude. Lots of the unmarried people are saying it's OK. It must be something to do with attitudes to marriage. Personally I'm a fuddy duddy traditionalist, and that's why I feel how I do about it, so maybe that has something to do with it."

Anyway, the OP has her answer now - lots of people do think it's OK, and it is increasingly normal after all.

FWIW, I've never been married, and I still think it's rude to not invite long-term spouses to a formal event like a wedding. Never seen it done.

(Whether you'd mind your partner going without you is a separate issue; I wouldn't.)

It's bad wedding etiquette to not include a "and other" on the invite. I've never heard of a person being invited to a wedding without being allowed to bring a date. But I live in the US, so it could be different.

The rudeness is on her, not you. It's her wedding, so I'd honor it. Maybe double check to make sure you weren't invited and if so only give half a gift since it's just from DP.

Been to a wedding where my DP not invited because of the cost, as B&G paying for it themselves.

Have also missed out when my DP and several colleagues were invited to a wedding and none of their spouses or DP's were invited.

Social convention is less rigidly applied, especially as weddings get more and more expensive.

Would you feel just spouses, or any LTR partners too? Does/should being married make a difference? (general question) Certainly it would have done; do people still find themselves not being invited - I wouldn't have thought so any more but perhaps it does still happen.

Actually I wonder if the OP would have had the same outcome if she had said she was in LTR rather than married, and "given I am his wife"?

Exactly, it's a separate issue. Indeed I would prefer him to go without me in the same situation really as it would cost so much in childcare/favours I'd rather use for a weekend away for just me and DH, but the OP did want to go too.

GodDamnBatman, maybe it's a UK-only thing. It's certainly not normal in Australia, either.

"Been to a wedding where my DP not invited because of the cost, as B&G paying for it themselves."

So if someone else was paying they would have spent more??

The cost thing is a red herring. Weddings are expensive everywhere, and most people pay for their own weddings these days.

We know so little detail though apart from OP wasn't invited and its overseas. Is it just a weekend, where is it. If it is just across the channel it would be but you would hardly go to the USA, Caribbean, etc for a weekend and how expensive would that be for just a work colleagues wedding. We also don't know the financial situation either or childcare arrangements. Is it somewhere you would want to go on holiday if they was also an option.

GodDamn yes in the UK it's different. Traditionally here the only plus ones have been spouses, with co-habitees/ LTRs also now normally included.

My reply upthread was supposed to have been to Kuala sorry crossposted.

Light agreed we are rather lacking in detail. I think the OP might have said it wasn't somewhere she'd want to go that much with the DC but could have remembered that wrong.

I do think it being abroad at all makes it different though - not the same as a local evening shindig where a group of colleagues might well just get invited to an evening do minus partners.

It always annoys me how some married people belittle other people's relationships if they're not married.

We have been together for a while, absolutely perfect relationship. We don't want to get married. He would if I wanted to, but to me it would be hypocritical because I'm not religious.

Our relationship is just as strong as anyone else's, I just don't need a ring and a certificate to enforce it.

Inviting colleagues is completely different than inviting friends. If friend's I'd tell them to bring their partners. Colleagues, no unless I could afford it

Morphine agreed LTRs should have the same weight in the invitations as married. Sad that you have not found that.

NB if you decide to have kids you might want to reconsider the bit of paper thing for legal reasons - doesn't have to be religious, can do registry office.

Also Morphine don't feel that it would be at all hypocritical to get married because you're not religious.

Marriage started out very much as a legal thing, largely around property rights. The (christian) church wasn't involved for ages (at least the first millennium I think). It wasn't until 1536 that canonical form for marriage was introduced. Basically people started asking priests for blessings, it then became a social thing to do, and then because property was power, the church muscled in, and retrofitted theology (sacraments etc) accordingly. I'm religious though, and like the vows, so I did still do the church bit despite knowing all that!

(That's not to say that the Bible doesn't talk about marriage - but that the Church didn't preside over weddings).

By no means am I implying that this is the case in your situation - so please do not read this as an accusation - but the way I read it, your partner seems strangely calm and accepting of the single invitation... I know in the past that colleagues who have spoken ill of their partner at work (general moaning about home life, whether true or elaborated to elicit sympathy) are always invited to work functions without a 'plus one'. The colleagues who have heard nothing but bad things about a spouse certainly don't want to invite and then meet the alleged 'grumpy/ rude / ungrateful' etc. wife/ husband.
Again - I'm sure this is not the case, it just strikes me as odd that your husband is not even suspicious or concerned that his colleagues wouldn't like to meet you. Why is he not defending your corner?

Choose what I wrote was not exclusive to married people, it included those in LTR. I am married and I also find it utterly smug that people think that "marriage" some how makes their position in society more valuedor that somehow their commitment to a relationship is stronger because they are married.

There are lots of people in LTR that are as committed and value their partner and relationship in exactly the same way as those that are married.

LittlePeaPod totally agree. I have all thread said I think a LTR is of equal weight.

And my latest post was basically musing on whether OP put people's backs up by saying "given I am his wife" which has tones of that attitude.

And going back to my other post you were talking about, although I have a traditional/religious viewpoint, I don't think that makes my relationship any more valid than someone else's (actually, legally and theologically, what's important is the consent of the two partners, and traditionally no-one else had to be involved in that. Any couple who give mutual consent to a longterm relationship are "married". Then when we started involving priests and lawyers as witnesses, so that way started being seen as "common law marriage", but actually, it's still marriage, whatever you choose to call it, the only thing is you don't nowadays have the legal rights)(still according to the Catholic Church the priest etc are just witnesses, you marry eachother, and if for some reason you were abandoned on a desert island and married eachother, it would still be valid just by making that promise to eachother!). Anyway that's all a bit esoteric and probably most people wouldn't see it that way, and it would be completely irrelevant to anyone not catholic/not religious/atheist too of course. But I hope explains why I can hold what seems to be two contradictory viewpoints! Wasn't trying to be smug married, and sorry if it came across that way. More that because I value marriage, I value all committed relationships if that makes sense.

I clearly misunderstood your post and for that please accept my apology.

koala and goddamn I don't think it is the normal position in the UK, I've never come across it for a full day invite before.

In lots of cultures around the world it is rude not to invite the whole family and the UK has been viewed as odd for the 'no children' wedding - which I had myself but wouldn't choose again, it was a mistake in hindsight. Everyone had a significant other or plus one though, it wouldn't have occurred to me not to.

From reading the thread I appreciate people talking about cost, b and g decision, but I still fall on the side of it being rude for a full day invite, I guess I'm old school.

No worries at all, I wasn't very clear and my perspective is a bit left-field!

I think the critical thing is that it's abroad. Home weddings you are only talking about a relatively small time & financial commitment but this isn't the case for a wedding abroad.

Quite conflicted though as the last wedding I went to I was invited as it would have been rude not too. However I was the only person unaware that my h was in the midst of an affair and it was a miserable event for me as the h barely spent any time with me and other guests were avoiding talking to me for obvious reasons or making awkward conversation. . I wish t heb& g had been ruder and not invited me.