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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
LittlePeaPod · 23/07/2014 07:26

Frog why would tagging a few days onto the trip, not attending the wedding but having a few days with your DH not be cool? Bit of a weird thought. Hmm. As long as you are both happy with it then its fine!

TheRealAmanda it is their wedding and to be fair if it was mine I really wouldn't care less about someone I didn't know. I would rather thatplace went to someone I knew and cared about. Their wedding, their money, if her DH is that bothered about how she feels he won't go.

I don't get why this is the B&G problem.

LittlePeaPod · 23/07/2014 07:30

Delphiniumsblue he is going. Op said a few pages back he was going. Unless I misunderstood.

LightastheBreeze · 23/07/2014 07:50

I also believe he was probably invited out of politeness and not really expected to go. The other colleagues may be quite young and not have family responsibilities.

I also think the DH wants to go so he can have a good old party away from his family responsibilities.

Frogisatwat · 23/07/2014 08:27

Little pea was a reference to the 'cool wife' hoo ha that sprung up on here and another thread!

Frogisatwat · 23/07/2014 08:28

Little pea was a reference to the 'cool wife' hoo ha that sprung up on here and another thread!

LittlePeaPod · 23/07/2014 08:37

Frog I too have been refered to as a "Cool wife" because of my views on each person having personal space/time in a relationship. I guess you didn't see my post regarding the "Cool wife" term earlier. Grin

ThrowAChickenInTheAir · 23/07/2014 08:45

It's strange to leave a partner off a wedding invitation. The invitation is to acknowledge/celebrate their relationship and yet they are ignoring those of their guests. Poor form.

LewisNaiceHamilton · 23/07/2014 09:01

It's to celebrate their wedding. With people they know, care about and like, and who know, care about and like them. They don't owe partners they barely know anything at all.

If guests aren't happy to attend without a spouse, it's their choice if they prefer to disappoint their friends by not attending.

What is poor form allowing convention to dictate that relative strangers attend at the expense of people with a genuine interest in the couple's wellbeing and happiness.

HaroldLloyd · 23/07/2014 09:12

I don't expect to get an invitation to a colleagues wedding, so rather than see the down side rah rah they are not inviting partners why not look on the positive side, and think it was very nice of them to go to the expense of having work people there AT ALL.

pictish · 23/07/2014 09:23

I also think the DH wants to go so he can have a good old party away from his family responsibilities.

And if he does...so what?

LightastheBreeze · 23/07/2014 09:28

And if he does...so what?

Well yeah so what but obviously the OP isn't happy or she wouldn't be using that username.

pictish · 23/07/2014 09:29

Yeah sorry - I read that as being disapproving...but you weren't actually being so were you?

OnlyLovers · 23/07/2014 09:30

Lewis, I totally agree. A wedding day is more about the couple getting married than about the couples or individuals going (or not going!).

I don't see it as at all being about ignoring their guests' relationships.

LightastheBreeze · 23/07/2014 09:41

This is much more to do with the OP's relationship with her DH than the actual wedding. We don't know the OPs situation, financial or otherwise but it sounds like the DH often goes out and if it was reversed would she be going. I am mainly going by the username, this is not one I would use on here and my DH and I do a lot of things separately.

pictish · 23/07/2014 09:53

Yes I do apologise. I took you for one of those only-on-mumsnet posters you get on here that gives it "What do you mean he wants to 'go out'? Doesn't he realise he is a married man with responsibilities now? There is no need for him to have a social life or friends anymore, now that he has a family to think of and a wife sitting at home. I haven't been 'out' for 12 years and neither has my husband, and that's the way it should be."
Kwim?
Those posters grip my shit.

cakecake · 23/07/2014 12:09

I actually do think yabu and i don't understand why people get so outraged about spouses not being invited to a wedding. Why should the bride and groom pay for someone they barely know, when they could have someone they actually want there? Weddings are so expensive and i think that if you have met the couple properly, you should not expect an invite to their wedding.

They shouldn't have to not have their wedding where they want (in this case overseas) so that you don't feel left out!

MorphineDreams · 23/07/2014 12:38

If I want someone at my wedding it doesn't mean I want their partner there who I don't know from Adam or Eve.

Those saying they'd kick off, why? Confused You don't even know the person, why is it an issue. Are you really that arsed about being with your partner?

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 23/07/2014 19:10

Goodness, so many more pages, and so many more people saying they don't think it's rude!

Interestingly most people saying it's not rude or that they've been invited without a partner and thought nothing of it, then refer to a DH rather than a DP. And they are also not saying whether it was just a local evening do their DPs were invited to, or a wedding abroad.

So perhaps don't have such a strong attitude to marriage as others of us who think that it does matter.

Personally I think a longstanding cohabiting partner should be invited whether married or not (not just any old plus one though as they do customarily in the US), and just cut the guest list if you can't afford partners or don't want people you don't know there. Can't be that important a person to you if you don't know their partner too, so why have them there at all?

I wouldn't mind my DH going if he particularly wanted to and we had the money and it didn't affect any other family plans and he asked me nicely rather than just assuming I'd look after the kids. But I would still think she was rude.

What's wrong with a knees up in the village hall and a paid bar? Then you can invite everyone you like. Our local (London!) hall is only £30 per hour and you can fit at least 300 people.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 23/07/2014 19:11

Oops I meant they refer to a DP rather than a DH, of course, sorry!

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/07/2014 20:49

I wouldn't dream of asking one half of a couple (married or cohabiting or LTR) to my wedding because it's just so stingy.

TheRealMaryMillington · 23/07/2014 21:00

Do you even know the woman?

Your DH is probably a relatively minor guest. I think it is time the world dispensed with the whole concept of plus ones.

LittlePeaPod · 23/07/2014 21:11

So perhaps don't have such a strong attitude to marriage as others of us who think that it does matter

Some of the things said on MN sometimes are really just, stupid, ignorant and insulting. Just because I don't expect DH to be tethered to me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week doesn't mean I am not fully committed to my marriage.

What does a strong attitude to marriage mean anyway? Hmm

TheRealAmandaClarke · 23/07/2014 21:35

some of the things said on MN sometimes are really just stupid, ignorant and insulting

Yes, like just because I don't expect DH to be tethered to me 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
You see, that's insulting and ignorant. Because feeling that it's inconsiderate to invite someone to a wedding involving an overseas weekend stay without inviting their spouse is absolutely not the same as needing to be "tethered to them 25 hours a day, 7 days a week"

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 23/07/2014 23:30

Ah but I didn't say I expected DH to be tethered to me. In fact, upthread, I've said we often spend weekends - or shock horror - whole weeks doing our own personal thing (eg DH off on a biking holiday, me to yoga holiday/ trip abroad).

Actually, there's been a fair bit of conflation all thread on this one. Lots of people who thought it rude were also halt to let the DH go. I've been quite clear I wouldn't have minded, he often does his own thing.

I guess what I'm saying is to some extent, the split is along one's attitude to marriage - if one thinks marriage is something one wants to do when socially one doesn't need to do so these days, then probably one sees it as more of a Deal than for those for whom it's misogynistic, just a bit of paper, etc.

Obviously given the way the thread has turned out, my attitude is perhaps leaning to the old-fashioned these days. But to have people so utterly dismissive of other people's values is another matter.

I also co-slept, baby-led-weaned, breast-fed etc but just happen to feel strongly about the principle of marriage. If that's ignorant, so be it.

ChoosandChipsandSealingWax · 23/07/2014 23:34

Happy to let the DH go, not halt! Bloody phone.

And actually, even in that very same post I said I'd be happy to let him go! Quite agree that giving each other space is very important.