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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

426 replies

Homealoneagain · 21/07/2014 18:53

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

OP posts:
CrapBag · 22/07/2014 11:13

YABU. I didn't invite my work collegues partners to my wedding. The numbers would have been too many and I have a fairly big family. Plus there was only collegue that was married and his DW didn't like me and didn't like the fact that I was friends with her DH. We were sat together (in work and we didn't pick our desks) and because we lived near each other, we used to walk to and from together (especially in the winter because it was dark and I didn't like walking home alone in the dark, especially when I did encounter a flasher one night). Once she caught on to this, she kept meeting him from work so I couldn't walk with him.

Sorry, completely off the point but I don't see why the work collegue should have to invite DPs that she doesn't know.

YANBU because it is abroad though. That's a lot of time and expense for a work collegue's wedding.

pictish · 22/07/2014 11:20

to the people who say I don't know the B well I would say wouldn't it be nice to get to know each other given DH has a good enough relationship to be invited to her wedding?

Not really. Why would she have any interest in getting to know you? Why can't she just be friends with your dh, without you having to be brought into it?

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 11:22

Wow yet another "I am not invited to the wedding" thread. I shall roll out my usual post.. Its not your wedding therefore not your rules...don't slate the B&G for organising their wedding how they want.

LittlePeaPod, you can roll it out as many times as you like, it doesn't make it true.

It's not about the invitee's rules, or the couple's rules, it's about social rules (i.e. etiquette). You can organise your own wedding (or birthday party, or housewarming, for any other occasion you are hosting), however you want - nobody can stop you. But rudeness is rudeness, and you don't get to treat people however you want just because it's your wedding.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 11:24

Koala so a couple who have been married a year is more important than a couple who have been together for10 but never married?

No, good point; they're not. Long-term/committed partners are the same, IMO, regardless of a marriage certificate.

OnlyLovers · 22/07/2014 11:26

I don't know of any etiquette that stipulates that you must invite both partners in a married couple to a wedding; nor of any that stipulates that partners who are not married need not be treated the same.

pictish · 22/07/2014 11:32

OP - do you go out of your way to get to know your friends husbands and boyfriends?
I don't. If we meet and find common ground, then great. If not - doesn't matter. When I aquire a new friend, be it through work or otherwise, I don't present him or her with a diary and ask when we can schedule in a 'getting to know you' sesh with her partner, because that would be weird.

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 11:33

""Pretty sure that etiquette says married couples are a 'social unit', at least when it comes to formal occasions like a wedding. ""

But then for a wedding abroad, you would have to include their children.

Numbers are even tighter, for weddings abroad.

So it's perfectly understandable to not +1 for the ceremony, they are on the holiday, which should be the bit that they will look forward to, missing the wedding should be meaningless.

I don't understand why people, or rather posters, I've never come across this in RL, aren't understanding about there having to be a limited number of guests, do you have to cut down your lists.

Everyone travels yogether, has a great time at the resort, on the day, you are with your immediate circle, getting ready, or not.

Then between 4-8pm, you do something else whilst your OH attend the Wedfing, then you all meet up again and enjoy the rest of the week together.

This can include wider family, SDC, anyone who the invited guest wants to ask to tag along.

I've been on holidays that have been add one to weddings, as part if the rider group. We've had a great time (and won every quiz).

What is the issue?

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 11:35

The OP needs to answer if her OH is saying that she cannot even travel with him.

Which should start alarm bells ringing.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 11:45

"Decide whether all partners of guests should be invited. There is no generally accepted rule, but if the guest is married or in an established, long-term relationship, his or her other half should be invited."

From debretts.com.

You don't have to invite children, whether it's abroad or not.

I think the idea is that if you're inviting someone to celebrate your marriage, it's polite to recognise the importance of their marriage (or equivalent).

pictish · 22/07/2014 11:58

Who gives a toot what Debretts say? I flick a bogey at Debretts...whoever they are.

Ettiquette schmettiquette. Sometimes it's about budget, and sometimes it's about not being fussed about people you've never met. And that's ok.

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 12:08

""You don't have to invite children, whether it's abroad or not. ""

So what do people do with their children if travelling abroad?

If you are honestly friends with someone and have common sense, you would be happier with the whole trip away, children included (and as said anyone else who wants to tag along), than be fixated on being at your partners side for a few hours on one evening.

Or than not have the opportunity to go, at all.

Attending a wedding abroad, is completely different, it's more relaxed, because you are at the venue etc.

So the time it takes to be at the wedding is a lot less than in the UK.

Original poster
Homealoneagain · 22/07/2014 12:08

Birdsgotafly- I will not travel with DH - due to DC's and other family commitments it's harder for for us all to get away and more expensive. If we were all to go away for a weekend it would not be my first choice of weekend !

Personally I'd find it odd to spend time and money travelling to the location of a wedding with a group of guests but then not to participate in the event as several are suggesting. I'd feel like a bit of an outcast !

Off topic but - Re children at weddings my feeling is it is totally ok not to invite them for lots of reasons.

OP posts:
DayLillie · 22/07/2014 12:10

It is shabby to have a 'big do', then prune your guest list like this to cut costs.

If you can't afford it, have a knees up in the village hall, or a barbeque in the garden. Give the guests a good time.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 12:11

I don't give a toss about Debretts particularly, either. A poster asked for a source, and I gave one.

Sometimes it's about budget
If you can't afford to invite someone's partner, you don't invite either of them.

...and sometimes it's about not being fussed about people you've never met.
You invite your friend's partner as a courtesy to them (the friend), and in recognition of their relationship; it doesn't matter whether you're 'fussed' about the partner or not!

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 12:14

It's not just about budget, though.

My DD would of liked to get married in the Dominican, but has opted for Cyprus.

She realises that it would be selfish to expect people with children to do a long haul, it was discussed with family/friends, including co workers.

As said, they are happy to count it as one of their family holidays, it's going to be the end of July/August. They/we are all multiple holiday takers, generally go abroad during shut down.

So it became a question of numbers, venues have limited numbers, that's how it is these days.

Years ago, people would go abroad because they were being hosted by families, very different.

Birdsgottafly · 22/07/2014 12:20

""Personally I'd find it odd to spend time and money travelling to the location of a wedding with a group of guests but then not to participate in the event as several are suggesting. I'd feel like a bit of an outcast !""

You don't, I've been away as an add on to a wedding invitation.

The best time is the few days after, you are all celebrating without any pressure on anyone, or stress.

Even wedding in the UK were we've all carried on the celebration in one if the Parents of the couple, homes, have been the best bit.

OP, how would of it have been easier if you were invited?

The family commitments would still exist. It is for you as a couple to decide, the invite is given with good intent.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 12:28

So what do people do with their children if travelling abroad?

That's up to them. They can get a babysitter. Or they can decide that only the person closest to the bride and groom will go to the wedding, and the other one stays at the hotel with the kids. Or, they might decide to leave the kids at home with grandparents in the first place, and make it a couple's holiday.

If you are honestly friends with someone and have common sense, you would be happier with the whole trip away, children included (and as said anyone else who wants to tag along), than be fixated on being at your partners side for a few hours on one evening.

Sorry, but you can't tell other people what they'd be 'happier' doing; the polite thing is to invite both of them, and let them decide. If a couple is spending their money and using their holiday time on going to a place of your choosing, to celebrate your wedding, maybe they'd prefer to spend the time together.

Squirrelsmum · 22/07/2014 13:06

I'd be more miffed that I'd be expected to stay home while he was off partying. I think you should find a willing sitter for the weekend and go too. The wedding is only for a few hours on one day during which time you get to go for a massage/curl up with a book/insert leisure activity of your choosing. The rest of the time you can be part of it or you and DH can do your thing.

OnlyLovers · 22/07/2014 13:10

'If you can't afford to invite someone's partner, you don't invite either of them.'

Rubbish. I can honestly say that I have never felt offended at not being invited to a wedding that DP was invited to, and if I asked him the same question I think he'd be of the same mind.

iseenodust · 22/07/2014 13:18

A friend invited a group of longterm friends (nothing to do with work), including me, to her evening do but not their husbands. It was far enough away that it would have to be a hotel overnight. We all thought it a bit odd & in the end no-one chose to go.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 13:26

It's not rubbish actually, OnlyLovers, it's just good manners.

The fact that you've never personally been offended (and nor have I, for what it's worth) doesn't change that.

RoganJosh · 22/07/2014 13:28

OP you're not answering the question of whether you've seen the invitation?

OnlyLovers · 22/07/2014 16:21

Koala, according to what or whom, if you really don't set much store by Debretts? How can you say that with such certainty? Can you show us the Universal Good Manners Book?

I really fail to see how not inviting someone you don't really know to your wedding, while inviting someone you DO know well, who happens to be their partner, is rude or disrespectful or any of the other things people on here have called it.

KoalaDownUnder · 22/07/2014 16:59

According to Debretts, Miss Manners, and probably lots of other written sources of etiquette. 'Manners' aren't universal, they vary from culture to culture; I quoted Debretts because most people on here are British.

I really fail to see how not inviting someone you don't really know to your wedding, while inviting someone you DO know well, who happens to be their partner, is rude or disrespectful or any of the other things people on here have called it.

And I fail to see why you think it's all about how well you know someone. They person you want to invite doesn't just 'happen' to be the partner of this other random; they've chosen to spend their lives together. It's quite ironic to expect someone to frock up and go to the effort of attending your wedding, while you don't show their marriage enough respect to invite their spouse.

Bowlersarm · 22/07/2014 16:59

Totally agree Koala