To be annoyed that DH has been invited to a wedding without me

[Homealoneagain]

DH says it's normal these days not to always invite partners. We are in our late forties , been married 20 years. His younger female colleague has invited him to her wedding.

AIBU to feel I should be invited, given I am is wife AND the wedding involves a weekend away overseas and therefore some expense? I don't know her well, she is a colleague of his, but still ?
It may be to keep numbers and costs down, in which case why have the celebration overseas ?!

Eh, look, whatever - I really don't care. I'm quite tired of the lengths people will go to these days to justify having everything the way they want it at their weddings, with no consideration for social norms. It's all just an extension of the selfish 'It's MY day and I'll have it the way I want, because I make the rules' attitude.

Excuses about budget and venue sizes are just that: excuses. People have always had budget and venue limitations, but they used to know it was fucking rude to invite people without their spouse of 20 years, or to so much as hint that they only wanted cash as gifts. It's vile manners, and you won't convince me otherwise.

Carry on, I'm done.

(Sorry, Bowlersarm - that last post obviously wasn't aimed at you!)

Is it decided? Is he going? If so did he just announce it without showing the invitation and asking what your plans were for that weekend? Has he just assumed you will do the child care?
There seem to be lots of unanswered questions.

I still think people are putting the blame wrongly. The central couple can organise the wedding how they like and ask who they like. It is up to those invited to deal with it- in view of the expense and the child care most people would politely decline, but wish them well.

No, it was obviously aimed at me
I feel like it's my wedding and you think I'm being selfish and 'fucking rude' .

The thing about 'written sources of etiquette, and the reason I asked if you could point me towards the authority from where/whom you get your ideas, is that you previously said you didn't care about Debretts. So I just wondered (and am still wondering) how you could so confidently say that it was just The Right Thing to invite partners, if you 'don't give a toss' about Debretts.

All I can say is, I have been not invited to weddings, and DP has been not invited to weddings, and I know plenty of people who have been not invited to weddings, even though their partner has. Neither I, nor he, nor anyone else I know, has found it rude or disrespectful or worth hoisting our bosoms about. We probably all have more important things to worry about.

TBH I think it'd be ruder to tut and moan and cast aspersions about why you hadn't been invited to a wedding, than the non-inviting in the first place. In all the cases I've experienced, the not-invited person and their partner hasn't moaned, or gossiped, or cats-bum-mouthed. They've just respected the wedding couple's decision and not questioned it.

THAT is good manners, in my book.

Would the OPs DH have said it's normal these days not to always invite partners if it had been her that had been invited and was going on a good jolly abroad with her colleagues and he was left looking after the children.

I think probably not.

Maybe not, but she'd be within her right, IMO, to say 'Tough' and leave him to it.

OnlyLovers, not sure why you're hung up on Debretts as I've pointed you towards other etiquette sources you can google for yourself (eg Miss Manners/Emily Post, etc.). Are you not British, and isn't Debretts the closest thing there is to a 'Universal Manners Book' for your country? I'm still wondering why you think it's not applicable to you.

THAT is good manners, in my book.

Of course moaning or gossiping about not being invited to a wedding is rude, but who said anything about that? Having good manners is about actions, not thoughts. Nobody might have said anything negative about all these weddings they apparently get invited to without their spouse in your social circle, but that's probably because they (the invitees) are being polite. Therefore, how the heck would you know how they really feel about it?

Thanks, Koala, for so kindly pointing me towards etiquette sources.

I'm 'hung up' on Debretts only because you named it (yes, I know, along with others) and quoted from it to support your argument, then seemingly contradicted yourself by saying you didn't care about or take notice of it.

How the heck would I know how people feel about it? Well, let's see.

DP and I have discussed the weddings that one but not the other of us has been invited to. So I know how he's felt about them and vice versa.

Then, let's have a think again, I've discussed this with friends who've been in the same position, so we know how we feel about it.

And I've discussed it, after the event, with some of the people who invited me but not DP, or vice versa, to their weddings. So, again, we know each other's thoughts on it.

Unless we've all been furiously lying to each other, of course.

Friendships preserved and etiquette manuals of any description not needed. Although I love a bit of Emily Post.

Anyway, I thought you were done.

I have no idea if some of your friends were white-lying out of politeness or not. But even if they weren't, your informal poll of your own DH and a handful of your closest friends isn't really the definitive answer on whether something is polite in general, is it?

I think this thread has shown that plenty of people think it's extremely rude, as do the people who write actual etiquette book. I think that's kind of what good manners is, not just 'whatever my husband and a few of my friends think'.

You're right, though, we're never going to agree, so now I really am done.

but she'd be within her right, IMO, to say 'Tough' and leave him to it

Bloody hell, OnlyLovers no wonder that's your username.

Most people in a loving committed relationship wouldn't take that attitude. If they do, then it's not a loving committed relationship.

It's one thing to discuss it and compromiise, it's another to just say 'tough' and just bugger off.

Koala, I'm not sure you have the definitive answer either, and a poll of this thread is no more definitive than mine. And as for etiquette books, well, I think they're possibly fallible, or out of date, by their very nature.

Yes, it's possible that people were telling white lies. But not terribly likely. What a weird thing to think.

Bowlers, the smile indicated that my comment was slightly light-hearted, but I'd hoped that MN had got over the tedious phase where anyone wanting to say something not in deadly earnest and not be piled on to had to flag up their intention with a flashing neon sign.

Clearly not.

I have a loving, committed relationship, thanks, and I don't know why you think my username suggests otherwise.

OnlyLovers, a smile seems to indicate all manner of things on MN, don't assume your intentions with it.

You discuss going to a wedding alone with everyone you know? This is the first time I've discussed it. It just doesn't seem to happen in my world.

Totally with the OP in the shock that it happens at all.

'don't assume your intentions with it.'
Well, that's me told.

No, not with everyone I know, but with the people involved.

Specific example, although it's quite dull: friend from work of DP's, who at the time of wedding (obviously) knew him but had met me maybe twice, briefly. Invited DP to wedding. DP went. I didn't. No cats-bum-mouthing from me or guilt from him. No drama.

Some time later, I had got to know this friend and his partner socially, quite well. During conversation, friend said 'It seems weird now that you weren't at the wedding, Lovers, but I suppose we didn't know you then.'
I said 'Yes, funny, eh?'

Or words to that effect. You get the gist. The conversation moved on.

It's not that shocking really.

I do not think it is at all rude to only invite one half of a couple. I do think it is odd that someone thinks someone else they have never met should compromise on their wedding in order to accommodate them, leaving the bride and groom with the choice of friends over strangers, a big bill and strangers in their wedding albums. ‘Etiquette’ guides such as Debrett’s are predicated on women being seen as an adjunct to men – all a bit 1950s! Women have their own lives now. Absolutely a discussion within a family needs to take place on whether the family funds will be depleted by one of them accepting the invitation but if there are, there should be no problem. What I find odd are the posters who while thinking married couples are a social unit seem to resent their partners having fun without them and who would want something in return…and also seem to feel that colleagues can’t be friends because their partners aren’t known to them. No matter how nice partners are the vibe is altered by them being around…who would want this at their wedding.

A wedding isn't about the 'vibe' of a night out with colleagues, though! The bride/groom are celebrating their marriage, not having a piss up with mates. As someone said upthread, these decisions have always had to be made. Having a budget is not new. I think it is quite rude not to invite partners (and as more people chose not to marry these days, this should include +1 in my opinion), and extremely rude to invite someone to a wedding abroad without their partner. If partner chooses not to go, then fine, but they should be invited. Trying to re-create the vibe of an office night out when you have other groups of friends and family is ridiculous.
Oh, and males of 20-30 years are grown men, not 'lads'.

I'm late to the party here, but I've experienced several weddings where a group of work people without partners been invited.

And been to one.

DH and I have both been to colleagues' weddings without the other.

When you work in a 'team' it is nice to go out and it ends up feeling a bit like a work do.

I wouldn't go away for a weekend for a work do though, so I would decline this particular one.

The problem is your DH op not how the B&G want their wedding to go. Does your DH know how pissed off you are about not been invited to the wedding? If not then tell him. If he does know how you feel, then his been extremely selfish by a not considering your feelings.

The B&G can do as they please and get get married where they please. Guests are invited and its their choice whether or not they attend. The B&G have no responsibilty to you and are not obliged to invite you regardless of been married 20 years or not.

The person that does have a responsibilty to you and your feelings is your DH. You are pissed off about the wrong thing.

Just to clarify again. Personally it would not bother me one bit that DH was going. Give and take. He does things alone, I do things on my own and we do things together.

One word YOUNGER weddings are expensive now and so many young people are trying to do it on the cheap .Having your wedding ovedseas is actuly usally cheaper (if guests provide own travel).in polite society yes she should have invited you but he is her friend she dosent even know you so why would she invite you?

Weddings are expensive.ppl have to make "cuts"
Which is often why children are excluded for example.
But IMHO, it is rude and inconsiderate to invite one half of. A married couple to a overseas wedding. It's is a thoughtless thing to do.
Yes, it's their wedding. But the point of a guest list should not be to piss other ppl off.
These are ppl getting married. They consider that important, but are being thoughtless about the partnership of a guest's own marriage. An invite like this is very likely to cause discomfort and upset.
My dh goes out without me and travels overseas without me (on work) and this seems quite normal and comfortable.
If he were invited to a wedding without me involving an overseas trip I would be upset.
But hey, it's all about someone's "big day" so who cares!

It's my belief that sometimes this is a crafty way to get the guest list down and thus make the wedding cheaper. Invite just one of a couple and, from reading here, it's likely to be refused.

Obligations satisfied but no expense.

Id be pissed off hence my earlier yanbu. But I would understand that maybe she wouldn't want someone she doesn't know there. But I probably would suggest I go abroad with my husband and tag on a few days and make it a little holiday.
I could entertain myself quite happily for or day or two.
I guess thats not 'cool' though eh?

I think it fair enough for one to go locally, be missing for a few hours at low cost. This is expecting one person to have a holiday and considerable expense. My guess is they did it to be polite and are not really expecting him to accept.
We still don't know he is actually going and if he asked about childcare- or even considered the child care- he just seemed to assume OP would be doing it without discussion.