After my partner went off on one?

[stargirl04]

We were leaving my bf's house this morning at 6.40am as he was dropping me off at the station for me to catch a train to work.

We were on a tight schedule and as we came out of the house we saw there was an Ocado van blocking the road so that no vehicles could pass.

My bf started cursing and shouted - rudely and angrily - at the driver: "Oi mate, can you move your van as we need to get past and we're in a hurry".

The driver looked at him as though he were mad, said nothing but finished his delivery and moved the van.

I said nothing but my bf said something like "that f-ing meat head should be parked on the verge so cars can pass, like all the other delivery drivers".

His anger is an issue between us -we've been together 9months. I said: "I don't think you should have shouted at him, you could have asked him nicely".

He said "Oh right, so to up and ask him nicely, then wait for him and make you late for work. Would you prefer that?" etc etc.

The other day I was trying to follow directions on my smartphone and couldn't figure out which way was north, south etc - and he raised his voice at me then, saying "We could have found the way ourselves by now!"

His default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration is to lose his temper. He denies shouting but to me his response is quite frightening and hurtful.

Back to the Ocado man, I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him, and I also wondered what the neighbours must think.

Last winter he went ballistic when a neighbour blocked his car in. He called him a f-ing pikey and screamed at him, waving his arms, face red, eyes bulging.

There was a row between him and the neighbour and I ended up trying to calm everyone down.

Regarding this Ocado delivery incident, am I being over-sensitive? My friend says her DH shouts at her sometimes. Am I just being unreasonably thin skinned?

I know he's upset with me now as I haven't heard from him all day, when usually I have by now.

Thanks for reading.

Hi green, funny you should say that as when I woke up this morning I thought, "At least I've got my life back".

As he hoovers up every spare second I have and organises everything in advance, nights out, days out, even if he's only helping me with my decorating it feels as if it's planned with military precision.

And yes, he has too much time on his hands. He has no reason not to trust me as I am not a cheat.

And I feel you are right, I haven't heard the last of him.

You stand up to him and if that means being vicious then so be it if he ever does start knocking on your door. If he starts being a total pain you go round to his mum ( I think she said you live near her) and tell her what a pain he is being and that you would love her to have a word with him and you get yourself some friends and get very busy with them!

Let'sfacethemusic, you are right. I don't believe he's capable of change. Old dogs and new tricks...

I suspect that he may have acted so calmly because he thinks that you don't mean it. There's a good chance that over the next few weeks he may change tactic and start contacting under the guise of being 'friends', or blaming you, or promising to change. And that's when you're at your weakest point, a few weeks in, missing the nice times.

I was slightly in two minds over his outbursts in the car, I think he was wrong however I have known people who seem to get particularly hot headed behind the wheel. However the almost blaming it on you for needing to get to work on time, or for coming around to stay, the bringing up your counselling to use against you in an argument, the way he speaks about his exes. All really bad behaviour.

You may also find him throwing all the nice things he's done back in your face. Which will make you feel guilty and maybe even a little dependent, thinking how you will miss all those nice things.

OP I actually laughed out loud at this:

"When he left he said: "You are right, we should break up. You're not the only one with doubts. I don't trust you. There are other things."

Even as he goes out of the door he tries to make it your fault. And o make it look like it was mutual.

What a load of passive aggressive bullsht that is! Just laughable!

Stay strong and know you've made the right decision - he's an arsehole!

Now you need to stop engaging in conversation with him. And don't bite when he offers a discussion such as the "I'd tell you, but...." Simply say "that's fine, I don't want to know, goodbye" and leave it at that.

He will try to draw you into conversation so he can work on you.

Make the break complete.

It's normal to feel sorry for people - it's what most of us were brought up to think of as the norm.

But remember any time you think "He doesn't really have anyone in his life that he can turn to" - why is that, exactly? Why is it that at 50+ he has alienated everyone in his life to the extent that he has no close family or friends or exes he is on friendly terms with? Oh, yeah, that'll be because he behaves like this with them!

They have seen him for what he is and distanced themselves from him. You don't have to feel guilty about doing the same.

And YY to NOT letting him get into 'explaining' what he meant, why he did things, why he says he didn't trust you, or anything else. The longer you let him talk, the more you will waver and start doubting yourself again.

It's very tempting to want to know why, but it really has no relevance to anything. Also, you can expect to be added to the list of terrible women who didn't understand him, only wanted his money, etc.

Remember IT DOESN'T MATTER. He can badmouth you all he wants to the next poor woman he gets to listen to him. She can choose whether or not to accept what he says at face value. YOU KNOW why you finished things. Keep focussed on that, and on the fact that keeping it 'ended' is the important thing now.

Thanks guys, work is busy now after a lull earlier (hence being able to post at length), but I have already mulled over the "why?" question in relation to his lack of trust and "other things".

It is admittedly difficult for me to pass on this, but I decided I must as the "whys" probably won't make much sense anyway and will only serve as further justifications for his behaviour.

I realise I will be badmouthed for whatever reason but I guess it goes back to that old saying: "What others think about you is none of your business" or similar (I forget the exact wording).

He has indeed alienated everyone but his blokey ex-colleagues and uni pals.

stargirl04 so glad to read your update and to hear that you are ok.

As others have said, stay strong, you don't need to know what he meant with his intriguing throwaway comment as he left, it will all be utter crap anyway. He made that comment in the hope that it would go round and round in your head and eventually you would have to call him to ask what he meant and then, bingo, he has you where he wants you, he has has a hold over you, he knows something you want to know, and he will play that for all it's worth. Don't give him the satisfaction, drive him to distraction by not giving a damn but I bet he will contact you and say something along the lines of "don't you want to know what I meant?", just say "no, I couldn't care less", don't get drawn into any conversation with him.

Why should you care what he meant or what he thinks of you? He is no longer in your life and his opinion of you is of no importance whatsoever.

The Ocado delivery driver and the tight time schedule for leaving keeps going round in my head, surely when you have to be somewhere for a specific time you factor in extra travelling time to account for unexpected stuff like delivery drivers, and other unforseen delays? Why did he make the timing so tight and not account for these things, could it be that he thinks the world should revolve around him and the traffic should part like the Red Sea to allow him through, could it be he enjoys the opportunity of losing his temper? He is still blaming the delivery driver not his own incompetence for failing to schedule in extra time for unexpected incidents.

He likes being "Mr Angry" as further evidenced by his appalling behaviour towards the neighbour, it makes him feel good, powerful and superior, even though to everyone else it makes him look anything but.

You will find someone worthy of you, don't settle for anyone who is just ok. The Meatloaf song you refer to is NOT saying to settle for a 2 out of 3 relationship, the girl he loved left him because the relationship was not a 3 out of 3, she didn't love him.

An angry person is a powerless person.

He does all the things you describe in your list, as it is his way of giving him some control over you - due to your being so grateful (for things that most men will do, without the shouting).

Once the 'honeymoon' period is over in your relationship, I can pretty much guarantee all that perceived loveliness will wither, as it does naturally in so many relationships, the difference is, in a healthy relationship, mutual respect and trust are maintained over the long term. Your partner should help make you a better person, not a weaker or more fearful one.

Any children you consider having with this man will very likely end up angry, aggressive people too, through learned behaviour. As someone who by your own admission has anger issues - do you not want better for them eg: to be able to resolve problems calmly?

I may be taking a liberty, but I sense perhaps a low (ish) self esteem; you mention hospital appointments...just wondering if maybe you have experienced something in your medical history which has knocked your confidence?

It will be hard to extricate yourself from this relationship and you will want to go back, but I urge you - go now, you wont regret it in years to come.

shit, sorry. Somehow I missed your update.
Bloody good for you!

Hi again OP. My word, he's the very type and example of "Angry Fuckwitted Loser" isn't he?

Practice the mantra DILLIGAF: Do I Look Like I Give A Fuck?

If he calls, you are Not At Home. If he appears in person, in public, and tries to talk to you tell him you are a) not interested and b) he's just had his free go under the Protection from Harassment Act.

Courage.

That is great advice from the Y there

Just read your updates Stargirl you rock. Plus, what Disgrace said.

I said: "Well, why don't you tell me?" and he said: "I can't tell you because you'd go mad and hit me." I am fairly sure I would not "go mad", under the new, calmer (self-imposed) Stargirl regime, but I would certainly never, ever hit him.

OP, this is worrying that he said this when you broke up. Accusing others of being a threat is a known predictor for violence. When someone accuses you without any grounds of being a threat to them, that you would hit them, it is a way of justifying to themselves why they should hit you. In a sense angry violent people have to justify to themselves that they acted in a kind of self-defence - 'she went mad and if I hadn't hit her first she would have definitely hit me' or 'she went mad and I had to stop her before she hit me, she was definitely going to hit me'. Also saying you'd go mad - he is justifying to himself that you have gone mad before, you will go mad again, so it's ok for him to take whatever action.

Don't assume that you're safe yet. He accused his ex of hitting him, I doubt that very much. He may be the one who hit her.

Also, he is jobless and has no friends, he has nothing to lose by coming after you. It's not like he might lose his job or get fired or lose his reputation - there is actually no cost to him.

Not trying to frighten you. Just saying be cautious. Most threats happen at the break-up or just after, it is not a time to think 'phew, that's over' it's a time to be even more on your guard.

Just read the ft. You did well to be rid op. The one comment he made that stood out the most was that his ex was violent towards him. I wonder if his gas lighting, abusive words and general demeanour caused a big argument and she defended herself by hitting, pushing him. He sounds like the type of man who would drive someone to distraction then use their response as a stick to beat them with.

Please expect him to be back in contact.

Sorry it's early and my post wasn't clear. It sounds as if he may have previously been physically aggressive with an ex. Be careful.

Stargirl you are doing incredibly well.

Do not let this bloke back in your house whatever you do. If you need to meet him again have someone else with you. Do not accept his calls and save emails from him but do not respond. Do not listen to any honeyed promises he makes, any "let's just meet up for a chat" or "Sweetheart, I really miss you, can't we just put this behind us?" Absolutely do not do that.

You'll be much safer and happier with him out of the picture. There's an interesting book called The Gift of Fear, that might be useful to you.

Shockinglybadteacher, I agree that The Gift of Fear is a great book. Not just for knowing how to predict violence, but also for knowing when you are safe.

For example OP was saying earlier that she doubts herself and was asking everyone what colour to paint her walls - the thing is, it's ok to ask everyone about stuff like that and be completely unable to decide for yourself! But it's not ok to be the undecided when your safety is at risk.

You've done the right thing. You need to keep yourself safe by staying away from him.