After my partner went off on one?

[stargirl04]

We were leaving my bf's house this morning at 6.40am as he was dropping me off at the station for me to catch a train to work.

We were on a tight schedule and as we came out of the house we saw there was an Ocado van blocking the road so that no vehicles could pass.

My bf started cursing and shouted - rudely and angrily - at the driver: "Oi mate, can you move your van as we need to get past and we're in a hurry".

The driver looked at him as though he were mad, said nothing but finished his delivery and moved the van.

I said nothing but my bf said something like "that f-ing meat head should be parked on the verge so cars can pass, like all the other delivery drivers".

His anger is an issue between us -we've been together 9months. I said: "I don't think you should have shouted at him, you could have asked him nicely".

He said "Oh right, so to up and ask him nicely, then wait for him and make you late for work. Would you prefer that?" etc etc.

The other day I was trying to follow directions on my smartphone and couldn't figure out which way was north, south etc - and he raised his voice at me then, saying "We could have found the way ourselves by now!"

His default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration is to lose his temper. He denies shouting but to me his response is quite frightening and hurtful.

Back to the Ocado man, I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him, and I also wondered what the neighbours must think.

Last winter he went ballistic when a neighbour blocked his car in. He called him a f-ing pikey and screamed at him, waving his arms, face red, eyes bulging.

There was a row between him and the neighbour and I ended up trying to calm everyone down.

Regarding this Ocado delivery incident, am I being over-sensitive? My friend says her DH shouts at her sometimes. Am I just being unreasonably thin skinned?

I know he's upset with me now as I haven't heard from him all day, when usually I have by now.

Thanks for reading.

Nope. One incident would not make me run for the hills either.

But the pattern of behaviour the OP very clearly describes in her first post is not a single incident. She clearly talks about his ongoing anger management problem, paints a picture of multiple incidents and says that she finds it frightening.

Where did you get that she has said that this is a single incident? I mean, she describes half a dozen in her OP.

Sorry didn't read the thread. I agree it's no good being frightened of your partner.

OP, you are being given straightforward, honest correct answers on this thread, they may be not what you wanted to hear but they are 100% right.

What possible justification is there for his appalling behaviour to you, the van driver or his neighbour?

Think carefully about the last line of Hecate's post.

Absolutely stunned at Vivienne's posting.

OP - he's UPSET at YOU for seemingly not liking the fact that he thinks it is perfectly acceptable to shout and swear at people and treat them like crap. And this is someone who is really good to you? Blimey, would hate to see someone who isn't really good to you.

Please - and this is the second time I've said this to someone today - wake up, smell the coffee and get the hell outta there. Seriously, otherwise you are going to have a very unhappy life.

"He says I'm the love of his life"

But is he the love of yours? Really?

It sounds like you are staying with him because you've convinced yourself you 'owe' him something, not because he is a person who you want to share your life with.

His behaviour leaves you frightened, and you spend your time with him trying to ameliorate the effects. Is this what you hoped for out of life?

It's not your job to 'fix' him, no matter what he has done for you in the past. Look forward 5 years. Are you still going to be hoping he'll change? What is going to actually make him change? His love for you? It isn't working so far, is it? Nine months together and he is red-faced, screaming abuse at people just for being in his way. That's who he is. And he's not a good prospect for a long-term relationship.

Hi guys, thanks so much - at least I know it's not just me now. I would like to keep up with this convo but I'm at work and it's so busy - darn! (Usually it's so quiet!)

To those people who've asked me questions I'll endeavour to answer soonest. Quick response as to what he does for me:

• Drives me all over the place - goes miles out of his way for me
• comes to hospital appts with me that are 20 miles out of his way
• helped me buy my flat and drove me round looking at loads for months - on end
• is helping me decorate it now - painted my ceilings and walls for me this weekend
• cooks for me all the time
• takes me out to dinner, concerts etc and pays for everything, is really generous
• comes to stuff with me, weekends away, concerts etc etc....
• not interested in other women at all - I've no worries about him cheating

would love to write more but can't as work is too busy! please keep posting to me and I'll be back soonest. Thanks, I really appreciate your advice! x

None of what you have listed make up for the fact that he has a hair trigger temper which you find upsetting and that makes you fearful of him.

You're sufficiently worried about it to have posted here.

Most of us will lose our temper occasionally. Most of us will have a bit of a rant, or a shout or a row occasionally.

The difference in this case is that he doesn't just build up over an argument but literally just snaps. And it's enough to make you frightened.

Occasional lose of temper = acceptable.
Making partner frightened or fearful = not acceptable.

Your list comprises totally normal and unremarkable things done day in day out by people up and down the country.
There is nothing special on that list.
And nothing worth being yelled at in order to have.

All of those things are lovely, but they are things a close and kind friend would do for you no problem. They are not the basis for a relationship.

I think it's helpful to see the early of days of a relationship as a sort of interview process. You expect the other person to be on their best behaviour (just as people are in interviews) and you also expect them to demonstrate the ways in which they will be a suitable partner for you. So, you look at things like taste in music and political views etc. But you also look at their character and how they deal with stress because you will be relying on them in the future when your life becomes stressful. In my book, if someone isn't great at handling stress but is able to own up to that and look for help then that's pretty good. If someone is calm and collected under stress then that's great. But if someone just flies off the handle and starts screaming under stress, then acts like that isn't a problem, then they've pretty much failed the interview. They've shown they simply don't have the qualities needed for a job as a partner.

Look at this way - a nurse could be great at chatting to patients, getting the right meds, going the extra mile in terms of being caring, but if a patient crashes and he starts screaming and flapping then all those nice things mean nothing. He is just not a good nurse. Being a partner is about much more than nice deeds, it's about really caring about your other half and wanting them to feel safe and comfortable at all times. If he's lovely 90% of the time but the other 10% you are frightened, that is just not good enough.

Hi OP. Speaking as a FORMER radgy male, who got myself sorted because I was hurting the people I loved, run like fuck. He has not, and will not, put your wellbeing before his own. Which is the definition of real love. Letting go of my rage hurt, but it was worth it.

Quick response as to what he does for me:... and there's the lure described to a T, not least because it makes you dependent.

You're on eggshells already. Put that word into Search on here and you'll see your reflection in the faces of so many.

Run away v fast. Please .... I know....just trust us in this one.

You say you have anger issues, he has anger issues, like others have said this relationship is not good.

Is he still sulking 8 hours after the Ocado incident? Surely he can work out that you'd have got a result more quickly if he'd just gone and asked the man politely to move? And surely there must have been times when this sort of approach has resulted in an aggressive response? It wouldn't have helped you to get to work on time if you'd had to call an ambulance because the other drive had knocked him unconscious.

I think anger management is only going to work if this man perceives that he has a problem and is prepared to engage to the full. At the moment it doesn't look very likely, but I guess it could be worth you at least having the conversation with him and saying the writing's on the wall if he won't do it.

Only 9 months?

Time to cut your losses.

OP, what Disgrace says is spot on, your BF is luring you in and making you dependent on him, sooner or later you will have all those things he has done for thrown back in your face during one of his rages.

A life walking on eggshells is no life.

Think about this - he will do all those practical things for you but won't do the one thing, address his temper and lack of control, that hurts, upsets and frightens you - he doesn't love you enough.

Even his list of good points has got 'controlling' written all of it. Disgrace is spot on. He is trying to make himself indespensible to you so you can't call him out on his bad behaviour.

Well...

Say you stay together. Have kids together.

Kids get bigger.

He screams at them the way he screams at you and the Ocado driver and the neighbour.

Now what will you do?

• Drives me all over the place - goes miles out of his way for me
• comes to hospital appts with me that are 20 miles out of his way
• helped me buy my flat and drove me round looking at loads for months - on end
• is helping me decorate it now - painted my ceilings and walls for me this weekend
• cooks for me all the time
• takes me out to dinner, concerts etc and pays for everything, is really generous
• comes to stuff with me, weekends away, concerts etc etc....
• not interested in other women at all - I've no worries about him cheating

This above is the bare minimum a boyf does for someone he likes^

This man is luring you in, and your self esteem and twat-dar is on the floor.

the anger is a huge stonking red flag, do not ignore it.

Get rid asap. You are worth WAY more than this!

The hings you've listed as 'lovely' are just very normal things that people in relationships do. They are just basic stuff and not 'special' or 'over and above' what you should expect.

Leave.
Really.

You're not somehow indebted to him because he's been a normal boyfriend and cooked you dinner, etc. You don't owe him anything. I mean this kindly OP but it honestly baffles me why people sometimes feel obliged to stay in a relationship because somebody has done nice things. You're free to do what ever is best for you and makes you most comfortable.

• Drives me all over the place - goes miles out of his way for me
• comes to hospital appts with me that are 20 miles out of his way
• helped me buy my flat and drove me round looking at loads for months - on end
• is helping me decorate it now - painted my ceilings and walls for me this weekend
• cooks for me all the time
• takes me out to dinner, concerts etc and pays for everything, is really generous
• comes to stuff with me, weekends away, concerts etc etc....
• not interested in other women at all - I've no worries about him cheating

VERSUS

• Scares you
• Gaslights you en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
• Is unnecessarily aggressive, invites confrontation over trivial issues
• Sulks and is moody if you disagree with him or call him out on his behaviour

I'd lay odds that tonight you will go home and somehow end up either apologising or be extra nice to him to jolly him ou tof his bad humour as though you had done something wrong.
If you were pregnant right now planned or not I'd say "Run for the Hills"
As it is - you can get out now without ever having to watch your small child being terrified by an irrationally angry parent who goes off the deep end at a moments notice over any of lifes irritations.

Ask yourself this :
What would his response be to walking on Lego in the middle of the night ?
What would he do if his toddler scratched his car/50inch TV/posted his credit cards in the shredder?
Would he be calm and sympathetic to a child who is ill, feverish and crying having just been sick all over themselves, their bed and surroundings in the dead of night? What would he do when everyone was fully cleaned up, only to repeat the experience straight away...

Nine months and he's acting like this? How do you think it will be when the stresses of life start piling up. Mortgage, kids, elderly parents ... I argue about this stuff with my DH and he's the most mild mannered man alive!

Totally agree with everyone else. Run for the hills and don't look back. Don't expect him to change and don't stay because you 'feel like a cow' for dumping him. He sounds manipulative as well as angry for making you feel that way.

Gosh, never expected to get this many replies - thank you so much. Still at work so a bit more - sorry to dripfeed.

Ashamed to say I am 48, so not young. He's mid-50s.

In the past we have had arguments because I've yelled back at him - screamed at him even through sheer frustration, as I have a pretty short fuse myself, although I've mellowed a lot with age and I'm generally kind and nice to people 99% of the time - I hope! (I certainly would not have yelled at the Ocado delivery man, I'd have asked him nicely.)

But lately have felt that arguing is pointless as I can't win. He is very clever and can always win arguments as he's so mentally and verbally agile - like a barrister. And in the heat of the moment much of it is blamed on me - either a) for giving him wrong directions; b) for being disorganised and laissez faire; c) for not replying to texts or emails often enough; etc....

Later, when he's calmed down and is sorry, he will admit to being "irritated" or "childish" but usually denies he's raised his voice. I think he honestly believes he isn't doing so. He does have quite a loud voice anyway, and maybe it just gets louder when he's passionate about something and I am being overly sensitive.

So lately I have been trying to use this situation as an opportunity to be calmer myself and on the last two occasions where he's blown up I've responded calmly. I notice that he calms down a lot quicker too when I'm calm.

There are so many points people have raised I'm struggling to answer all of the questions that have been asked. So please bear with me.

So many insightful points raised, the one by Disgrace springs to mind.

I am trying to be fair and not make myself out to be an angel and him a devil. I am trying to be as fair as I can be. But maybe my sense of normal has become skewed. I don't know anymore really....

The row over directions was on Thursday when he came to my hospital appt with me. Since then it's been great and we've had a lovely weekend. He gives me everything I've ever wanted in someone, apart from this one thing - the blow-ups.

Mmm this takes me back, I feel like this is the advice I would have given to my younger self: Break it off with him. It will only get worse. You have only invested 9 months. Don't waste years of your life. It's hard to hear in the early days, especially when the other bits are so good. But eventually you will have had enough. Cut your losses now.