After my partner went off on one?

[stargirl04]

We were leaving my bf's house this morning at 6.40am as he was dropping me off at the station for me to catch a train to work.

We were on a tight schedule and as we came out of the house we saw there was an Ocado van blocking the road so that no vehicles could pass.

My bf started cursing and shouted - rudely and angrily - at the driver: "Oi mate, can you move your van as we need to get past and we're in a hurry".

The driver looked at him as though he were mad, said nothing but finished his delivery and moved the van.

I said nothing but my bf said something like "that f-ing meat head should be parked on the verge so cars can pass, like all the other delivery drivers".

His anger is an issue between us -we've been together 9months. I said: "I don't think you should have shouted at him, you could have asked him nicely".

He said "Oh right, so to up and ask him nicely, then wait for him and make you late for work. Would you prefer that?" etc etc.

The other day I was trying to follow directions on my smartphone and couldn't figure out which way was north, south etc - and he raised his voice at me then, saying "We could have found the way ourselves by now!"

His default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration is to lose his temper. He denies shouting but to me his response is quite frightening and hurtful.

Back to the Ocado man, I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him, and I also wondered what the neighbours must think.

Last winter he went ballistic when a neighbour blocked his car in. He called him a f-ing pikey and screamed at him, waving his arms, face red, eyes bulging.

There was a row between him and the neighbour and I ended up trying to calm everyone down.

Regarding this Ocado delivery incident, am I being over-sensitive? My friend says her DH shouts at her sometimes. Am I just being unreasonably thin skinned?

I know he's upset with me now as I haven't heard from him all day, when usually I have by now.

Thanks for reading.

Ashamed to say I am 48, so not young.

Until I saw that part of your post, OP, I really thought you were much younger.

To be brutal, half your life is over - do you really want to spend the remainder of it with someone like him?

Hi, I haven't gone away, just been busy.

I very much appreciate the comments here from everyone.

I too watched Murdered by my Boyfriend and it bothered me. I have even spoken to him about my fears, but because my job brings me into contact with crime, he thinks I'm fixated on it.

He said, "I have never been a danger to anyone and if I was going to kill anyone I would have killed xxxxxx...." (ex-partner).

He has little else in his life but me. He was made redundant a year ago, and has long term friends who go back decades, but they are all married and he doesn't see them that often. He's been trying to get a new job, has been to a lot of interviews, but is depressed because he hasn't been successful in getting one.

He is heavily invested in our relationship and I dread to think what will happen if I end it.

The people who say they find my list of "great things" sad, have a point.

Here's a quick summary of my exes (most recent first):

1. Had mental health issues that he refused to get help for, was financially irresponsible, more out of work than in it and in the last year of our rlsp stopped sleeping with me because he reconnected with God and decided sex before marriage was wrong. He also never had time for me. I would maybe see him once every two weeks.

2) Couldn't get an erection (at least not with me) and didn't have time for me. Sexually deviant. 3) Was an habitual liar and cheat. 4) Wouldn't sleep with me. 5) Was alcoholic and fancied my sister more than he did me. 6) Another cheater 7) Sexually deviant and a bully 8) A reformed cheater who was possessive and jealous. He became violent and when I left him he threatened to kill me. He told my family he had "paid someone" to do the job. The police investigated him for it, and established that he hadn't paid anyone and released him with a warning not to contact me again. It worked. 9) Another liar and cheat.

So yes, I guess my list of great things is sad. I obviously have low self esteem and didn't realise I deserved better.

He is heavily invested in our relationship and I dread to think what will happen if I end it.

This is not a good reason to continue with a relationship.

You deserve a relationship in which you don't have to find positives to outweigh emotions like fear and embarrassment.

You know that you need to make a change. You can give him a chance to change or you can walk away now.

Have you had this conversation with him already?

Hi Gold, I'm glad you've replied to me.

We have had a couple of conversations. Shortly after he went nuts at the neighbour who blocked in his car, I was at his house for the weekend and one night I drank too much and passed out. Not clever or mature, I know.

But I woke up in bed in the middle of the night to find him sitting on a chair in another bedroom and he went ballistic at me, really screaming at me. Apparently I'd been snoring loudly and wouldn't wake up, with the result that he couldn't sleep. He went mental.

I went back to bed that night very afraid. The next morning I said "If you ever scream at me like that again I will have to end this. It's not a threat, it's just the way I feel."

He hasn't gone ballistic at me again in the same way, but he does raise his voice and become "irritated", as he puts it. He denies that he shouts or raises his voice at me, insisting that he only becomes "exasperated".

A few weeks ago I hadn't been in touch with him all week as I was busy, and he seemed to think I wanted to get back with my ex!!! He got drunk at home alone and rang me late at night. He was slurring as he was so pissed and called me a "c**ksucker" and said I liked bad men, not good ones who treat me well, like him!

The next day I told him I felt like ending it and he said he couldn't remember saying those things. And that he hadn't realised I was that unhappy.. He said he would take it as a final warning.

But he would argue that the latest outbursts are not name calling or intimidating, just "irritation" at my incompetence with directions or whatever.

I am actually starting to wonder if he is crazy, or if I'm crazy, or maybe we both are.....

I just want to say thank you to everyone here who has posted to me. Thanks to all of you I'm realising that I don't owe this man anything and that he does treat me badly on occasion. And that my list of "great things" are not "great", just what you would expect in a normal relationship.

It makes me realise what a sad life I've led! But it's encouraging to know there are people out there with good, normal relationships.

I keep thinking about what a pal said to me. Relationships are like the Meatloaf song - 2 out of 3; in that you never get everything in someone. And I kept thinking about that whenever I thought about this anger issue and perhaps that's how I rationalised it.

Stargirl04, the things you've posted that pinged on my radar (apart from your list, which others have covered) were the following -

"But lately have felt that arguing is pointless as I can't win."
That tells me that 1. you are modifying your behaviour in the hope that this will stop him losing his temper and 2. that there have been a lot of arguments. 1. is particularly worrying, because it means you are starting to see his temper as your responsibility. It isn't - it's his.

"Another thing is that he can forget rows in a nanosecond and then wonders why I'm upset!"
"usually denies he's raised his voice. I think he honestly believes he isn't doing so. "
Honestly, I don't think he forgets and I don't think he's unaware of his shouting. But by claiming/behaving as if he has, he keeps you nicely off-balance - all the easier to manipulate, all the easier to convince you that you have the problem, not him.

It does seem to me that your run of crap boyfriends has left your self-esteem in tatters, to the point that you don't believe you deserve any better (because if you did, you'd have had better by now...) . But you do deserve better, and he honestly deserves to take his place on your list of exes, maybe as "1) default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration was to lose his temper, to the extent that watching 'Murdered by my Boyfriend' bothered me."

A thought - interviews are quite stressful, you said he's been to lots but no job offers arising from them - has he lost his temper there too? Did he come back from them complaining that the interviewers were crap/biased/stupid?

Hi Whereyouleftit, I don't know if he lost his temper at the interviews but I doubt it. He can be very charming and controlled when he wants to be. I doubt he would be stupid enough to be show temper at an interview, but I don't doubt for a moment that he showed his temper in his last job.

Not going completely nuts, but showing his "irritation" as such....

Like I said, just a thought that flashed up to me.

But, "He can be very charming and controlled when he wants to be." So he doesn't want to be with the neighbour, he doesn't want to be with the Ocado driver, and he doesn't want to be with you.

stargirl, you've had a run of crap boyfriends, there's no denying it. But he has not brought that run to an end, he's continuing it. You are on the right track when you say "I am actually starting to wonder if he is crazy, or if I'm crazy, or maybe we both are....." He is crazy, and he is manipulating you to think that you're crazy and he isn't, but you aren't crazy although you might be if you stay with him much longer.

"he would argue that the latest outbursts are not name calling or intimidating, just "irritation" at my incompetence with directions or whatever."
I would actually see that as him pushing the boundaries to see just how much abuse he can get away with. He had to reel himself back in a bit when you've mentioned ending it, but he's not content with that. After all he's got you to the point where you think it's pointless arguing as you can't win. That really bothers me, it's an acceptance of the crap he's dishing out to you. Downhill all the way once you accept crap as your due .

Please don't rationalise his behaviour any more. You truly do deserve better than this.

The more you post OP the worse your relationship sounds, you've threatened to end it more than once so you clearly know something isn't right, just end it now it will always be dysfunctional.

He probably failed at his interviews because they saw through him.

Don't settle for 2 out of 3, why would you want something that ain't bad - 3 out of 3 or nothing.

He said, "I have never been a danger to anyone and if I was going to kill anyone I would have killed xxxxxx...." (ex-partner).

This is a very dangerous person.

Morning stargirl, the more you post the more unstable he sounds.

I've not been in your situation but think carefully about backing off from this man, I don't think he'll give you up easily and I worry for you.

Keep posting.

Why are you focusing on his perception of his behaviour?

It's like you feel you have to go along with how he feels about it, and decide what to do based on what he tells you.

That's not the case.

You are there. You can see. You are experiencing it. You don't make decisions based on what he is telling you is happening.

You write as though you are afraid of him but barely even recognise that fact.

OP, the more you post the more I become frightened for you.

You are doing normal things - getting drunk, snoring, getting about your business for a week. He responds with verbal violence. That's not normal.
Its quite chilling to think of him sitting in the spare room nursing his wrath, waiting for you to wake up.

Hi everyone, still here.

Stillstayingclassy, you are right. He once told me (in a happy moment): "You are mine and I'm never letting you go."

I know there will be a s**t storm when it ends and things will get nasty.

The sad thing is, we just had a lovely weekend - when I actually felt, believe it or not, very loved up. There were no arguments until this incident with the Ocado delivery man.

I've described a lot of incidents because I'm now casting my mind back and remembering them. It's not like this all the time, but it's got to the stage where he upsets me about once a week, then wins me round, then I forgive and forget... until the next time.

I know I have to get out as I don't think he's capable of changing.

Jesus, was he serious when he said "If I was going to kill anyone I would have killed xx"? You do realise that's subtle threat don't you?

You have every right to end this relationship whenever you want. You are not his parent, you are not responsible for him.

Hecate, the reason I focus on his behaviour is because I lack confidence in my own judgment and doubt myself. Always have done, in every area of life.

I couldn't even pick the colour I wanted to paint my living room without conducting an extensive poll among friends and family. How pathetic, eh!

I don't like making decisions and don't always know what I want.

Tbh what he said to the delivery driver was ok I think. It IS ok to be angry you know. When something genuinely is anger-worthy.

But

You do need to get out. You really do. You are allowed to leave. Please call Woman's Aid for some advice. Please keep talking about this and remembering why you need to leave.

He is heavily invested in our relationship and I dread to think what will happen if I end it.

This is not your responsibility. If it's so important to him, he should treat you better. No decent self-respecting man would want you to stay for this reason.

"I went back to bed that night very afraid. The next morning I said "If you ever scream at me like that again I will have to end this. It's not a threat, it's just the way I feel."

He is showing you who he is and you are ignoring it. People don't just change, OP.

"The next day I told him I felt like ending it and he said he couldn't remember saying those things. And that he hadn't realised I was that unhappy." Gaslighting again.

"I keep thinking about what a pal said to me. Relationships are like the Meatloaf song - 2 out of 3; in that you never get everything in someone. And I kept thinking about that whenever I thought about this anger issue and perhaps that's how I rationalised it."

Bullshit. You can get the important things, the dealbreakers. Things like kindness and trust.

*Why are you focusing on his perception of his behaviour?

It's like you feel you have to go along with how he feels about it, and decide what to do based on what he tells you.

That's not the case.

You are there. You can see. You are experiencing it. You don't make decisions based on what he is telling you is happening.

You write as though you are afraid of him but barely even recognise that fact.*

This. Exactly this.

"I've described a lot of incidents because I'm now casting my mind back and remembering them. It's not like this all the time, but it's got to the stage where he upsets me about once a week, then wins me round, then I forgive and forget... until the next time. "

Google "cycle of abuse". This is textbook.

OP if I sound frustrated it's because I've been where you are and I stayed for years and am still dealing with the aftermath in counselling now.

Your list made me really sad because I used to have a similar list for my ex. And I thought it was good-enough. It wasn't. And it was only half the story as it didn't include the bad things that cancelled out the good ones.

Sorry. I've now RTFT and the time for talking has passed I think. This sort of thing is happening weekly?! Where is the pleasure in this new relationship which should be fun and laughter after nine months, not blazing rows and tears

Further to my last post, it's taken me a long time to be able to separate really basic things (like you have on your list) from genuine stand-out good points. I didn't learn good things about relationships in my childhood, and it's taken me a long time to figure out what should be a given, what is okay and what is not.

You can't do that while living with someone who treats you like shit. You'll be too busy rationalising and minimising and pushing your feelings away just so you can live with the fucker on a day to day basis. There is truth in the phrase that we accept the love we think we deserve, in that you seem to believe this is actually the best you can hope to do. It's not. Unless you stay with him. Then it won't ever get better.

What are you going to do next OP?

Stop making excuses, be brave, you sound really bright and lovely, you deserve better than this!

Appletini, I don't live with him, but thanks for your thoughts as a survivor of abuse/DV?. I live about ten minutes away from him, but round the corner from his mother.

FacetheMusic, I have to think of an exit plan, I guess.

Hi Clippity, I wasn't aware I was making excuses, only trying to be an honest as I can be. But thanks for your support x

Just out of interest, why did his last relationship end?

Do you think it might be an idea to log your concerns with a call to the non emergency number, explaining that you are concerned that he may become violent should you choose to tell him your relationship is over, ask for advice.