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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

After my partner went off on one?

171 replies

stargirl04 · 21/07/2014 14:45

We were leaving my bf's house this morning at 6.40am as he was dropping me off at the station for me to catch a train to work.

We were on a tight schedule and as we came out of the house we saw there was an Ocado van blocking the road so that no vehicles could pass.

My bf started cursing and shouted - rudely and angrily - at the driver: "Oi mate, can you move your van as we need to get past and we're in a hurry".

The driver looked at him as though he were mad, said nothing but finished his delivery and moved the van.

I said nothing but my bf said something like "that f-ing meat head should be parked on the verge so cars can pass, like all the other delivery drivers".

His anger is an issue between us -we've been together 9months. I said: "I don't think you should have shouted at him, you could have asked him nicely".

He said "Oh right, so to up and ask him nicely, then wait for him and make you late for work. Would you prefer that?" etc etc.

The other day I was trying to follow directions on my smartphone and couldn't figure out which way was north, south etc - and he raised his voice at me then, saying "We could have found the way ourselves by now!"

His default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration is to lose his temper. He denies shouting but to me his response is quite frightening and hurtful.

Back to the Ocado man, I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him, and I also wondered what the neighbours must think.

Last winter he went ballistic when a neighbour blocked his car in. He called him a f-ing pikey and screamed at him, waving his arms, face red, eyes bulging.

There was a row between him and the neighbour and I ended up trying to calm everyone down.

Regarding this Ocado delivery incident, am I being over-sensitive? My friend says her DH shouts at her sometimes. Am I just being unreasonably thin skinned?

I know he's upset with me now as I haven't heard from him all day, when usually I have by now.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Appletini · 22/07/2014 10:02

Sorry for the confusion but you're still living with the situation. And honestly you sound like me, back when I thought I didn't have a choice and that my opinion must somehow be wrong even though I was the one living it.

stargirl04 · 22/07/2014 10:10

YoutheCat, I only have his story... but he said because she was after his money and said horrible things about his daughter. Strangely enough, she still tries to keep in touch with him.

The one before that was after his money too, it seems. But he said (again I only have his story) she was a monomaniac, was physically violent towards him and they rarely had sex.

OP posts:
stargirl04 · 22/07/2014 10:13

Stillstayingclassy, it's something I've considered. But I hope one day to work for the police and perhaps this would go against me? I've told my BFF in RL about my concerns and she has his details.

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 22/07/2014 10:14

So you've told him how his behaviour makes you feel and you know before you raise it again that he will find a way to justify having repeated it, e.g. saying that what you're raising isn't exactly the behaviour you've been upset by before.

This tells you that he won't stop the behaviour but will make a lot of effort to excuse it. He shouldn't be looking for loopholes. He should be acknowledging and trying to change his behaviour.

he upsets me about once a week

I know I have to get out as I don't think he's capable of changing.

Listen to yourself.

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.

NewtRipley · 22/07/2014 10:35

BitOut

I am 25 years in and DH has raised his voice to me 2, 3 times

If I saw him speak to someone else without the utmost respect, I would not respect him

LurcioAgain · 22/07/2014 10:43

Anger management problems and a racist as well. OP you've only been with him 9 months so presumably no children and hopefully not too emotionally invested
Bin hom immediately and find someone nice - there are lovely men out there. ( And speaking as someone who is single, the single life can be pretty brilliant too and id infinitely better than being with a shit - and make no mistake, from your initial description he is a total and utter shot).

Hissy · 22/07/2014 13:58

Anger management problems and a racist as well

erm, he has no problem "managing his anger", he's managing to use it JUST FINE to intimidate and terrify others.

YouTheCat · 22/07/2014 14:22

So it's never his fault then. Always the woman who has been a gold digger or wouldn't give him sex.

Classic abuser. And he has got to his 50s and is unable to take responsibility for his own actions.

Leave him to get on with it. You deserve someone who treats you with respect and love.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 14:28

OP: my boyfriend behaves really badly

MN: yes he does

OP: oh, he's lovely really, I can't leave him because I love him and I am just as awful as he is

MN : oh, carry on then < sigh >

ApocalypseThen · 22/07/2014 15:08

Everyone's after his money. This is a complaint frequently made by men who hate women.

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 15:27

is he Rockefeller or summat ?

Hissy · 22/07/2014 16:27

I only have his story... but he said because she was after his money and said horrible things about his daughter. Strangely enough, she still tries to keep in touch with him.

The one before that was after his money too, it seems. But he said (again I only have his story) she was a monomaniac, was physically violent towards him and they rarely had sex.

...so OP... what will he invent say about YOU?

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 16:48

Yes, there's a bit of a pattern, isn't there ? klaxon

stargirl04 · 22/07/2014 18:21

Hi, I have just ended it and he's on his way round to get his stuff, which I am understandably nervous about. So give me a break okay?

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 22/07/2014 19:53

Well done, OP. If you are feeling nervous about him coming round to get his stuff then you know you have done the right thing.

Hope you are ok Thanks

YouTheCat · 22/07/2014 19:55

Has he gone yet?

Are you okay?

BitOutOfPractice · 22/07/2014 20:01

You OK OP?

Margocat · 22/07/2014 20:03

Wishing you all the best. Don't pay attention to the lecturing tone from time to find on here, people are just concerned for you. Am sure everyone appreciates it takes time to reach decisions thou. Well done on yours

Hissy · 22/07/2014 20:06

Well done you! I know this hurts, you feel sad, stupid, scared, but it really is for the best!

Have you got anyone to stay with you for the handover of stuff?

Any funny business call 999 eh?

Take care of yourself, let us know you're ok?

Make sure you tell a RL friend please?

scarffiend · 22/07/2014 20:54

Just read this thread & am so glad you've ended it. I have a close relative in a very similar situation (but which has gone on for many years) and get immensely frustrated with her acceptance of the appalling treatment. I imagine the same can be said for a lot of PP, which might explain the impatient tone from some!

Please keep us all posted, am worried for you right now. Hugs x

AnyFucker · 22/07/2014 21:58

if the "lecturing tone" makes some women wake up and do the only right thing there is to do, then bring it on

magimedi · 22/07/2014 22:29

if the "lecturing tone" makes some women wake up and do the only right thing there is to do, then bring it on

Thank you anyfucker - you said it as it should be said.

With no disrespect to the OP, and as a general comment, more women need to wake up.

stargirl You have been very strong & I hope all has gone OK & things just get better for you.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 22/07/2014 22:33

Have your phone ready and call 999 if he is aggressive.

Hope all is well with you?

Gruntfuttock · 22/07/2014 22:42

Oh blimey. I hoped the OP would've been back to say she's OK.

maddening · 22/07/2014 22:49

For me with my ex it was like he kept me on an emotional roller coaster - I never got the chance to sit back and catch myself before he was there being my crutch - it's like it holds you there.

But it really is as simple as telling him to fuck off - that you realise that the relationship is toxic and you never want to see or hear from him again - then get busy with friends and family and get on with you life - there really isn't enough time to put up with this shit nor pander to the whims of a twat and a bully. There are far better ways to spend your time and you only get this one chance - seriously picture this forever - forever in angst, questioning yourself, treading on eggshells, feeling shit and apologising to him because you made him do it - fuck that - you made it 47 years without him so get out and get living again.

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