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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

After my partner went off on one?

171 replies

stargirl04 · 21/07/2014 14:45

We were leaving my bf's house this morning at 6.40am as he was dropping me off at the station for me to catch a train to work.

We were on a tight schedule and as we came out of the house we saw there was an Ocado van blocking the road so that no vehicles could pass.

My bf started cursing and shouted - rudely and angrily - at the driver: "Oi mate, can you move your van as we need to get past and we're in a hurry".

The driver looked at him as though he were mad, said nothing but finished his delivery and moved the van.

I said nothing but my bf said something like "that f-ing meat head should be parked on the verge so cars can pass, like all the other delivery drivers".

His anger is an issue between us -we've been together 9months. I said: "I don't think you should have shouted at him, you could have asked him nicely".

He said "Oh right, so to up and ask him nicely, then wait for him and make you late for work. Would you prefer that?" etc etc.

The other day I was trying to follow directions on my smartphone and couldn't figure out which way was north, south etc - and he raised his voice at me then, saying "We could have found the way ourselves by now!"

His default response to any kind of pressure or even mild frustration is to lose his temper. He denies shouting but to me his response is quite frightening and hurtful.

Back to the Ocado man, I was embarrassed and felt sorry for him, and I also wondered what the neighbours must think.

Last winter he went ballistic when a neighbour blocked his car in. He called him a f-ing pikey and screamed at him, waving his arms, face red, eyes bulging.

There was a row between him and the neighbour and I ended up trying to calm everyone down.

Regarding this Ocado delivery incident, am I being over-sensitive? My friend says her DH shouts at her sometimes. Am I just being unreasonably thin skinned?

I know he's upset with me now as I haven't heard from him all day, when usually I have by now.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Theas18 · 21/07/2014 16:08

Run for the hills.

THe thinks you have listed as " lovely" agree are what a good friend would do , and maybe my " abusive twatdar" is running too sensitive, but I'm just wondering if some of those things are bordering controlling ?

"drives you everywhere" is that because you can't drive, do you ever go anywhere alone under your own steam?

" goes to hospital appointments 20 miles out of his way" ... I know people differ and it depends what for, but after 9 months I don't think I'd be taking him to hospital appointments? I might be wrong and he sits in the cafe whilst you are seen etc

"helped me buy my flat and helped decorate it" again, is this " helping" or controlling?

Ditto " pays for everything" . That's a step from "I'll handle the money" and then "no you can't have money to buy that"

Smilesandpiles · 21/07/2014 16:08

She's talking herself round to it all being her fault. OP, you need to wake up.

He's a bully, everything you have described is that of a bully.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 21/07/2014 16:10

Oh, made a mistake - he emailed me at 1.30 today - very nice email. Offering to come over tonight and help me decorate as we'd arranged. I feel so mixed up and confused.

But at least now you folks have made me see that I'm not necessarily at fault. I'm trying to remember when I've done bad things that upset him. I know I've said things that upset him unintentionally.

Another thing is that he can forget rows in a nanosecond and then wonders why I'm upset!

OP posts:
Original poster
stargirl04 · 21/07/2014 16:11

Will be away from computer for a bit as my shift is over and if I don't leave my desk they'll give me more work to do!! Speak soon and thanks so much to all those who've posted.
xxx

OP posts:
HecatePropylaea · 21/07/2014 16:11

You are already modifying your behaviour in order to try to avoid being yelled at.

This is not good.

It's your life and your choice of course, and only you it affects if he does scream and shout at you

but don't you want a more peaceful existence? Not one where you are having to soothe someone and try to anticipate what might set them off and not one where someone argues circles round you just to try to beat you?

It sounds exhausting

Are you at the point yet where you are watching for the next one and trying to head it off by being extra nice or non confrontational?

Appletini · 21/07/2014 16:13

PPs are right. Red flags all over the shop.

To pick out just a few: "not replying to texts or emails often enough" NOT HEALTHY

"Later, when he's calmed down and is sorry, he will admit to being "irritated" or "childish" but usually denies he's raised his voice" - so he downplays things and is gaslighting you.

"maybe it just gets louder when he's passionate about something and I am being overly sensitive." According to whom?

YOU NEED TO LEAVE.

He gives me everything I've ever wanted in someone, apart from this one thing"

I've seen more than one unwanted thing in your descriptions.

LetsFaceTheMusicAndDance · 21/07/2014 16:14

Have you been in difficult relationships before? Was your parents' relationship difficult. I'm just wondering how your view on what makes a good relationship became so skewed.

ApocalypseThen · 21/07/2014 16:16

Your list of things to be grateful for is quite upsetting, OP. None of them are extraordinary. He goes to concerts with you? You've got to raise your expectations. That's not good enough.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/07/2014 16:24

One of the tests of what a partner is really like is how they treat the "inconsequential" people in their lives; the people they think are beneath them e.g. waiters, delivery people etc. If they are rude and dismissive to them then that gives you an insight into their real personality - they can't be bothered to turn on the artificial charm for them so the mask slips. (I think it is Lundy Bancroft that highlights this).

For example, he clearly thinks that he is far better than the neighbour. If he had called him an inconsiderate twit it is a factually reasonable comment under the circumstances but f-ing pikey means that he sees the neighbour as below him / on a socially lower level; its a very judgmental comment.

I suspect he does judge people generally and has surprisingly exacting standards when it comes to other people.

HemlockStarglimmer · 21/07/2014 16:41

If he were ten years older I would think he was my ex. And this is exactly why he is my ex.

emotionsecho · 21/07/2014 16:45

He is in his 50's and describes his behaviour as childish - why do you want to be with someone of that age that descibes himself so?

You are an adult, look for a relationship with another adult.

AdoraBell · 21/07/2014 17:11

So he's got through 50 years behaving this way? He has no reason To change, which means he won't change.

All those things he does for you, when you are a good girl and don't answer back, are things that you could do yourself. I'm not saying you don't deserve To have someone to share things with and hospital appointmens etc. Rather, you don't deserve To be obliged to have a bully control your life.

You don't need this man, walk away.

CaptChaos · 21/07/2014 17:19

He says I'm the love of his life.

Yeah, so did mine.

He also broke my collarbone because I'd spoken back to him.

Run. Run now and run fast.

Balaboosta · 21/07/2014 17:29

Actually it's not the anger thing that raises a flag for me, it's the sulking. The silent treatment following a confrontation is a classic tactic of emotional abuse. And, as one of the posters said up-thread, it's the inviting you to placate, jolly-up or apologise for having challenged him... A behaviour I now (thanks to MN wisdom) recognise as coercive and controlling.

NewtRipley · 21/07/2014 17:32

We get it. He can be nice.

BUT

It's not enough. He won't change. Why would he?

Get away - you shouldn't even be worrying about this after only 9 months with the guy

NewtRipley · 21/07/2014 17:33

Adora

I love this

"All those things he does for you, when you are a good girl and don't answer back, are things that you could do yourself"

Exactly

NewtRipley · 21/07/2014 17:34

Chazs

Yes. Watch how they treat waiters, people they consider not worthy of their time or effort

maras2 · 21/07/2014 17:48

You sound very nice Don't let him drag you down.He sounds like a shouty bully,racist too < WTAF says Pikey> Cop on to all of the red flags and go it alone.

MrsWedgeAntilles · 21/07/2014 18:13

OP, I watched "Murdered by my boyfriend" this morning, which is the horrific true story of how a woman went from living a normal life, through 4 years of gradually esculating DV until she is brutally murdered by her partner.

I'm not saying that your partner is gearing up to kill you but when I read your list of things that he's does for you and you feeling like a cow for thinking about leaving him it immediately made me think of a scene between the murderer and his future victim.

OP, to echo the others on this thread, it doesn't matter what he does for you, if he scares you its not worth it.

NewtRipley · 21/07/2014 18:15

If you are scared, embarrassed by him, or feel inhibited about saying what you want to to him, that's not a good relationship

FreeSpirit89 · 21/07/2014 18:23

Run! X

FryOneFatManic · 21/07/2014 19:24

It's only 9 months and you are modifying your behaviour.

It also wouldn't surprise me if your anger issues are actually a result of his treatment of you.

I would not want a man like this anywhere near my children.

MsVenus · 21/07/2014 19:29

Get rid of him because you don't know when he will cross the line between verbal and physical anger and you dont want to be on the receiving end of it.

Pagwatch · 21/07/2014 19:36

I too think the list of lovely things he does is astonishingly sad.

Do you really view those utterly normal boyfriend/ mate/ flat mate things makes him someone special in your life?

The thing that rings out for me is that he is 50 and this is him at his best - in the still early best behaviour stage of a relationship. And he doesn't acknowledge or recognise his huge temper tantrums for what they are.

I am 50. He sounds awful.

Goldmandra · 21/07/2014 19:55

I don't think you are going to finish it. I think the positives outweigh the negatives for you at the moment and you're not prepared to walk away.

So here's an idea. You sit him down and remind him of how he has spoken to you. Tell him that you feel frightened and upset when he raises his voices to you, whether he considers it to be shouting or not. Then tell him that this behaviour will be a deal breaker for you if it happens again. He can control his temper at work, no doubt, or he'd be out of a job so he needs to rein it in at other times too.

If he responds by acknowledging how inappropriate it is, apologises and offers to seek help, you know he is taking you seriously and you have given him the chance I think you feel you need to give him.

Any other response like gaslighting, losing it because you're being unfair, sulking, etc tells you what you need to know, i.e. that he isn't going to change and chances are that, as he starts to feel more secure in your relationship, this behaviour will escalate. At this point you walk away without a backwards glance and find someone who will treat you as you deserve to be treated all of the time.

Whatever happens, if he takes his anger out on you or those around you again, walk away.