to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

[PupInBoots]

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

What a load of rubbish.

Nobody at all has any right to be at the birth other than the person giving birth and those HCP involved in it.

How very childish saying "ohhhh I'm not going to be an active father if I can't watch your labour" because that's in essence what you've just said.

It's a birth not an exhibit

But why shouldn't a father be there? Its his baby too, just because nature has decreed that the woman gives birth surely shouldn't exclude him should it? I find all this 'only the mother has the right...' very hard to understand tbh.

Op, you need to ask what he wants to do and go from there. If he doesn't then he can stay for your DD but if he is adamant that he does what will you do then?

notbatman seriously!?!?

Its a modern thing for partners to be at the birth. there is research that says it can be bad for the labour process to have men presant. in many cultures it is still considered inappropriate for the father to be in the room during the birth.

It does not impact on what kind of father you can expect a man to be.

Tbh when it came down to it the only reason i wanted dh there was so he knew how much i had to suffer to give birth. And to verbally abuse him as stress relief.

It's not that I think they must be excluded, it's the idea that they must be included, that I find really damaging -and I feel sorry for the n ext generation of women who might be under pressure from men like not batman who threaten they won't be involved otherwise, or who are determined not to miss it - with no thought to how a labouring woman feels.

The priority surely is a safe and comfortable delivery for mum and child. The fact that some men struggle not being the centre of the universe for 24 hours or so says more about them then anything.

Slight derailment from the thread but I thought I'd weigh in anyway.

I am due in September and we have very uncertain childcare for DS.

Both DH and I agree that if required, DH will stay with DS and miss the birth. DH would love to see his little girl born for many reasons, but he recognises that a) I need to be relaxed to have a good labour, which I won't if I'm worried about DS, and b) that this is a time of upheaval for siblings-to-be, and his presence might be required to maintain some normality for DS.

He knows that his wishes come second, because he is a great husband and dad.

Op I am in a very similar situation, I'm at the beginning of my 3rd trimester, ds will be nearly 2 when the baby is born. The person we arr most likely to leave ds with is ds's godfather and his wife, ds loves his godfather and is very happy in his company but we have never left ds overnight with anyone, ds co-sleeps he has never slept in a cot or travel cot.

Ds goes to nursery, I'd be happy for him to be at nursery or with his godfather if I'm in labour in the daytime but I just can't bring myself to leave him with someone other than dp at night, I think it would negatively effect my labors if I was constantly worrying about ds.

Dp isn't pleased about the idea of missing the birth but he also really doesn't want me to have a homebirth so that doesn't leave many options.

How did we get from a father having the wish to be present at the birth of is child to: "The fact that some men struggle not being the centre of the universe for 24 hours or so says more about them then anything."

And how did we get to 'other cultures' not having fathers present? Since when should we be trying to rise what these unnamed 'other cultures' do rather than doing what feels right in each and every different situation for our family?

The only reason I say all this is because it seems the OP's husband wants to be at the birth, and as I understand she wants him there too were it not for the issue of the PILs. My point was that her worries about the PILs asd her daughter's wellbeing were perhaps exaggerated, while the hurt her husband (and herself) would feel if their wish to be together at the birth were not to happen would be worse ultimately.

I would never assume a man has to be at the birth of his child. In some cases, yes of course it's detrimental, if the man doesn't feel comfortable or indeed if the woman doesn't feel comfortable with him there. But here the OP is saying he wants to be there & she would ideally want him there too.

Well the op has said she's perfectly happy for him to remain at home that she has no issue going to the hospital by herself.

Que a few strange people saying what a shame and one person saying he won't be an active father if he does not see it.

What a pile of steaming wank

Is he though perfectly happy to remain at home? Should only she have a say? I understand many of you believe that yes, only she should have a say, but I don't agree. I feel they should try to reach a joint decision. They're a couple after all.

50% of the joy

Giving birth is 50% of the joy now is it?

He has agreed he doesn't think DD will be happy with PIL and said he's happy with a homebirth. However, he then went on to specify what room it'd be in because PIL would be in the other with DD!! That'd be even worse than DD being left alone with them - her knowingiI was there but them stopping her getting to me. I think the compromise is that we arrange a homebirth so we have flexibility but are still booked intohhospital if the labour and birth is similar to last time so we could do the original plan of them staying in the vicinity. If it does end up being a homebirth then we'd ask PIL to be available in case anything went wrong and I had to go in an ambulance. But even then - I'd prefer DH to stay with DD as imagine how scary for her it'd be if I was suddenly whisked off and PIL suddenly appeared.

NotBatman the father has absolutely no 'right' whatsoever to be at the birth and there are many, many very valid reasons why a mother might prefer not to have the father at the birth, even where the relationship is mutual and strong. I would certainly be very concerned about the partner of any man who shared your views; I agree they're weird. Entitled too. The man has contributed remarkably little at this stage, indeed almost nothing whereas the woman has overwhelmingly borne the brunt, just as she will at the birth. Arguing the toss about 'equal rights' can start when things really are more equal, but that's not until after the birth, and recovery time on top.

PupInBoots I'm a mother of several and had childcare issues with all births after DC1, for geographical reasons mainly. That said, I didn't want my husband at the birth anyhow, and felt strongly that he shouldn't be there, so slightly different from you. But this really is a common dilemma with second and subsequent children. Even if relatives and friends are willing and able to step in, sometimes the 4am kick off of labour just means it's too much to ask, especially if it means a car journey and quite elderly parents. I never liked the idea of Plan A/B/C/D depending on the timing of the onset of labour. I much preferred the idea of a single plan which involved a lift to the hospital then husband plus child/ children returning home while I got on with the birth. Least worry best chance of a successful birth.

Do you actually want a home birth and I mean really want one.

I don't mean to sound horrible, but does your DH ever listen to you and do you ever get your own way?
Because it doesn't appear to be the case.

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of a woman not having any partner, friend or relative with her though. I can remember post-birth being a confusing time and it being important to be to have someone I could say "did the midwife say she'd do x at x time" etc.

First, I am a woman, not a man. I'm not even Batman.

Sorry to ruin your feminist agenda that "menz know best for women" brigade.

If a man said he didn't want to be at the birth, yes I would very much question his commitment to me and his child. If I am giving birth and going through a trying ordeal, I expect his 110% support.

If he can't be at the birth, obviously that is different. But if he doesn't want to be? Why?

It is not HER child. It is THEIR child (and once it's out of her body, he does have 50% say in how it's raised). A baby is not a possession, it is not more hers than his.

YES. Child birth IS a joyous occasion. Is it hard? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. You see your new child for the first time, that is a VERY joyous occasion (stop being difficult for the sake of it), and one the man should be a part of.

If a woman didn't want her husband at the birth, I would question the relationship as to why she didn't want him there as a support. What if things go wrong and you need an emergency CSEC? What if something happens to the baby? I would think you'd want the one person you love most there with you instead of going it alone. No one should be alone in those circumstances and child birth is unpredictable.

No the man does not have a right to be there and nor should he ever. Just like men should never be allowed to have a say in whether or not the woman has an abortion. Really, childbirth/pregnancy is hard and she should be putting herself and her needs first.

But I think does say something about your relationship if you feel your man thinks childbirth is "a show". Or if you think he'll be anything but supportive for you. Or even if you think he feels entitled over your body.

The it's recent and other cultures don't allow it is an invalid argument. It's now, and we are in this culture, not a different one. Baby car seats are recent and other cultures don't use those. What's your point?

The OP's child is too young to be diagnosed with ASD. She isn't happy with people she is unfamiliar with - that is perfectly normal for toddlers. She doesn't know how the child will react with in laws for 24 hours because they've never tried that. I can see no actual reason for the Op's husband to miss the birth of his second child except for the anxiety of the OP. Not to say that isn't a good reason but the OP should be honest with both of them - this is more about her views of the inlaws and anxiety about dd than it is about the child's NEEDS as such.

I'm not sure if you're addressing me NotBatman but I have had a larger than usual number of children and I absolutely didn't want my husband there at all. Not for DC1 and not for any subsequent DC either. Any support given by him would have been at best minimal. The process can be highly undignified, never mind risky and joyful only if the outcome is successful. My husband might well have compromised that since for me he would have been in the way and just another thing to think about. He was at best an irrelevance. I'm not completely sure what it is that even marvellous partners are supposed to add in terms of support at the point of birth, but for myself I find the presence intrusive and the polar opposite of supportive. I've had some very dangerous situations with several of my deliveries, all of which I feel were better dealt with by the absence of my husband - I knew things were wrong; he wouldn't have had a clue. I simply happen to be in favour of a private situation between the HCP and myself, without third parties cluttering up the delivery room.

So to clarify, no batman, if a woman doesn't want the man there, there is something wrong with the relationship and if the man doesn't want to be there, there is something wrong with the relationship?

What a load of crap.

So to clarify, no batman, if a woman doesn't want the man there, there is something wrong with the relationship and if the man doesn't want to be there, there is something wrong with the relationship?

I think it could be a sign of a bigger problem, yes.

As I said earlier, if both parties agree, that's fine.

But if one wants both there and the other doesn't, I think you need to examine why that is.

The OP's husband wants to be there, she doesn't want him there. I think that's worth examining why that is. Obviously now is not the time for marriage counseling, and OP should do what's best for her and what will make her relax most. But afterwards, I think she should explore why she didn't want him in the room.

A man missing the birth of a child so a toddler isn't fussy later is a rather flimsy excuse, to be honest. There's something deeper going on. It could as simple as an anxiety disorder, that needs to be treated right away before it turns to PND. Or it could be that she really just doesn't want PILs there at all, which is so very ridiculously reasonable. But I think she needs to stop using her toddler as a smoke screen and figure out what the real issue is, even if figuring it out has to wait until after baby is born.

I to have had an above average amount of children and would have rather swung naked from Big Ben singing I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts than have had my dear late husband present at the births of our children and we had a fantastic relationship.

Some women don't like their partners present just as some dads don't want to be there,some women are perfectly happy to be alone and this is just as valid a choice as the ones who want people with them. And is certainly no indication of negativity.

Oh and I used the word exhibit due to your extremely odd view of sharing the joy in relation to child birth and insistence that the baby being 50% his meaning he should be there because that makes it sound like you think it's a show

NotBatman a friend said he was traumatised by his wife's birth. He's a regular bloke. Employed, keeps the family going etc. The relationship seemed ok before the birth but being required to square up to all sorts of physical difficulties during the birth destroyed quite a bit. I think you may be taking from a theoretical rosy perspective, not from gritty reality. That helps future reality tbh.