to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

[PupInBoots]

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

[Igggi]

I would research paid help in the vicinity of the hospital, advertise if necessary. Not sure if you've mentioned friends at all - might be happy to help for something as important as this. I think you might be underestimating how special it is to see you lo as soon as they are born, and to share that memory in years to come. But understandable (and good) that you want to protect your firstborn. I do worry about what is to come between your two dcs, it will be hard to manage if dd can't share you (as much as any two year old shares!)

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

Dh didn't come to births of ours. For some it is important, for others less so.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

I would be interested in seeing evidence that men struggle to bond if they are not there, or that they live with terrible regrets. I don't believe there is any.

[Wishfulmakeupping]

I think it sounds like the best solution OP- good luck

[saintlyjimjams]

Would the hospital allow her in (even for the labour but?) I don't think any of the ones we used would do.

When ds2/ds3 was born my parents stayed in our house (ds1 is severely autistic), although DH didn't do much post- birth visiting (3 sections) as ds1 needed him.

We really messed up ds2's birth wrt ds1 really. Because he couldn't talk we didn't really explain much, so off I went & reappeared with a baby brother. Ds1 was distraught - really distraught & became very withdrawn (until about 4 or 5 months later when we went to a Thomas day and he perked right up). I had visions of sitting on the sofa reading to ds1 while feeding ds2. That didn't work because ds1 refused to come near me & threw any books I had across the room.

So my advice on the ASD front is to do a whole lot of explaining - although it may not be so much of a shock for her with step siblings. Ds1 loved ds3 from the start - so shock can definitely impact.

I think I'd look into a home birth in your situation.

[tiredbutstillsmiling]

We are in the same situation OP except although DD adores her paternal grandmother she (MIL) won't have her over night as she says a toddler is too demanding. My friends and I are all teachers and off in holiday so no-one to turn to there.

DH and I agreed (sadly) that he'll miss the birth of DC2 but DD is our priority. I'm being induced Tuesday and am hoping DC2 is born between 8-6 either Tuesday or Thursday as these are the days DD is in nursery!!

It's not an ideal situation and I feel sorry for DH more than anything. Tbh when I had DD I didn't give a fig who was in the room - I was too focused on getting her out!!

I think this is just an unfortunate result of our newly changed society - people live miles from grandparents, DH and I are "older" parents which in turn means we have lost our fathers, I have also lost my mother and MIL feels too "old" to have DD.

Just think of DH's and DC1's faces when they walk in and see you and DC2 - that's what I'm picturing :-)

[Ronmione]

Could you not arrange to meet up with in laws in the next 2 months.

Your dh shouldn't feel under pressure to miss the birth,

[Windmillsinthesand]

My husband did the childcare while I gave birth,then came and picked us up 3 hours later but I had straightforward labour and delivery, maybe could you get a friend to stay with you if things got ....complicated during labour.

[TiredFeet]

Not got time to read whole thread but I had very similar dilemma to you before birth of my 2nd child.

Ds has complicated health needs so I couldn't just leave him with anyone

I don't want to post my whole birth story here but please please if you do leave your dd with dh then arrange someone else to be with you . Dh stayed with ds and I was left entirely on my own by a midwife and my contractions started coming very fast and despite me pressing the buzzer again and again no one came for a very long time and I have been left very traumatised by the terror of that time

So you must look after yourself as well, as you don't know how your birth will go.

And you may need to think about childcare/ a helper for you after the birth too. Your dd is going to have to get used to other people, you can't do it all.

[TiredFeet]

(And that was a vbac)

[Summerholsfun]

Reading this thread and thought your DD sounded very similar to mine who has AS. Do what's best for you and DD, giving birth while worrying isn't going to help.

DH stayed home/hospital car park/local town and in the hospital with DD while I gave birth with my second.

Good luck and do what's best for you.

[stilllovingmysleep]

I think YABU.

It's your DH's decision, actually, whether he wants to be at the birth of his chlid. That's a central & important thing, to my mind equally important to how comfortable you'll feel. But if it's decided he'll be there, then there need to be adequate arrangements for your DD at home. Staying with PIL sounds perfectly adequate to me. They might 'cuddle' her rather than 'wait' when she has a bump but that's real life, interacting with different people brings different experiences and is actually a thing to be embraced.

Whether she'll be a bit more clingy for a while etc is I think far far less important than the two of you, as a couple, making a decision about where you both want to be at the birth of this new child.

And when I say arrangements for her: not ideal arrangements, but adequate. After all, a big change / upheaval is happening in your family with the addition of a new member. Acting as if 'everything can be exactly the same' is not helpful to anyone.

[insanityscratching]

Would second what Saintly said about preparing your dd for a sibling. Ds was seven and had just started talking (ASD) when I fell pregnant with dd. We and school spent months preparing him for the sights, sounds and smells of a new baby. It really paid off ds who was incredibly aggressive (so much so we made plans for dd to be child minded when ds was home) loved dd from the first time he met her and whilst we all have scars (me,dh and older siblings) inflicted by ds he has only ever been gentle with dd.

[emms1981]

You won't have any idea when baby will be born tho, my first birth I stayed at home as long as I could and had son shortly after I got to hospital and was sent home at 9am with my 2nd I was having contractions all day and when they became very painful and I didn't think I would have long to wait got myself to hospital about 1am but after hours I still hadn't dilated any further and didn't give birth until 1pm the next day. He was also 10 days over my due date and my first was born 2 days.

[Branleuse]

id definitely research more into homebirths op.

if your first birth went smoothly, and everything is normal and low risk with this pregnancy then a good experienced midwife and the full time attention you get with a homebirth as opposed to a labour in hospital, means that most emergencies (in hospital) can be foreseen and they can get you there pretty damn quickly, but the chances are your birth will go fine and a good midwife and your own comfortable place is all you need.

[insanityscratching]

Oh and dh stayed at home with ds whilst I had dd with the midwives support as it was better all round that ds's routines weren't disrupted. Dd brought with her a beloved Beyblade when she was born, it was tucked in the cot at the side of her when ds visited, ds still has it and treasures it even if he threw all the others away Perhaps your new baby could bring her big sister something too.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Dh missed ds2's birth as he had to look after ds1. It was a c section and fine. They both came to see us in recovery and it was lovely. We didn't plan it that way but early baby and in laws 4 hours away meant that's what happened.

Talk to your dh and see what he says.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

It's not dhs decision- in a loving relationship it's a mutual decision.

[ElizabethMedora]

I would plan a homebirth - if the hospital/midwives don't think the distance poses a problem.

[Koothrapanties]

I think yanbu, if your dh is ok with it.

If not I would try a different approach with inlaws. I would speak to them and explain with dds possible asd, just how important it is that she has time with them before the baby comes. I would explain how you need to be relaxed at the birth, and will be far too worried if she hasn't had that time with them. I would explain that if she doesnt have that time, it will not be possible for her to come to them.

I would then spend time with them explaining her likes and dislikes and how she needs to be treated. If they are dedicated grandparents surely they would be happy to do this for their granddaughter.

I do think that it could work well for your dh to miss the birth though. He could spend the time being excited with your dd about her sibling arriving and make her feel like they are waiting together for something super special. It might make her feel really included.

I hope that your dh is willing to listen to your side of things as its so important that you are as relaxed as possible, and panicking about dd will not help you at all.

Whatever you decide, good luck op.

[Nanny0gg]

Look, it's clear the in-laws are not interested grandparents. So I completely understand why the OP wouldn't be desperate for them to care for her DD, even if she wasn't 'high maintenance'. And it is all very well people advising the OP to deal with that issue, but it wouldn't be sorted in time for the birth, assuming that it's the OP's 'fault' (and I don't think it is) that she is that way in the first place.

And it doesn't matter what the midwives think regarding a home birth, if the OP doesn't want one then she shouldn't have one. And she'd have to have the in-laws in the house for that one. Can you imagine? DD would be screaming for her mum because she'd know she was there and the in-laws would probably not be dealing well with that. Stressful, much?

I think you should persuade your DH to go along with your plan, personally. He will still bond with the baby.

But afterwards, try and cultivate friends that your DC are comfortable with!!

[TwelveLeggedWalk]

If your mil is as you describe, a but impatient, and hasn't made much effort to get to know your dd, I don't think she's the right person to look after her in a potentially stressful situation.

You have about 8 weeks, could you look into finding a local childminder who might be quiet for the school holidays and happy being a bit 'on call', do some short settling sessions so your dd gets used to them - also a (hopefully) trained professional who will be used to children with different needs.

Then you'll have some familiar childcare when the baby comes to give you a bit of a break and help socialise your dd a bit.

[stilllovingmysleep]

It does seem quite strange, though, TwelveLeggedWalk, to suggest a childminder over the child's grandparents who seem to be fine although not extremely involved . I haven't heard anything from the OP to show that the PILs are not adequate: they're just not ideal. But the whole situation is never going to be ideal as there's going to be an upheaval in the family. Better to accept & plan for it as just that, an upheaval that'll gradually settle, rather than try for an ideal and in the meantime depriving the husband from being present at the birth of his other child.