to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

[PupInBoots]

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

[Boysclothes]

Not many first time mums are still wandering about having ice cream fifteen minutes before the birth!

Place of Birth study shows home birth just as safe as hospital birth for second time mums. Solves your childcare problems. Removes side of road likelihood (quite high in your case by sounds of it!). DH can be at birth.

If you're really not open to it, then I think you need to explore other childcare options. If things go tits up, you'll need someone with you who loves you. There are just too many variables to make this a good idea... Middle of night labour, very long and traumatic, where you feel totally unsupported, ending in c sec and admitted to HDU where kids aren't allowed for a few days etc etc... It's just prioritising DD too much I think. You're giving birth and you need DH (or someone) there and he needs/wants to be there. You both matter too and in such a big life changing situation you can prioritise yourselves over some tears from DD which will be pretty short lived. Plus it will probably be totally different with PIL when you aren't there.

[SixImpossible]

You may be 45mins from hospital on a good run, but an ambulance is not. It is highly unlikely for a second labour, after a normal first labour, to go wrong, but, if it did, you would be blue-lighted to hospital far faster than your dh could drive you.

Definitely look again into home birth.

[slithytove]

So have PIL considered having all 3 kids? It's a lot if you aren't used to it, they may not be offended.

[slithytove]

In fairness, DD isn't really an only child

[PupInBoots]

I know an ambulance would be quicker six, but I'd ultimately be giving birth alone if that happened.

[PupInBoots]

Really not brokenhearted. She's only been ok with DH for the past few months.

[Boysclothes]

You mean without DH anyway? Or do you mean alone with no medical assistance? Cos two midwives would be with you as well as ambulance crew, if needed.

[beijaflor]

If you are happy to give birth without your DH, and your DH is okay to miss the birth, then no one else should put you off. You seem entirely certain this is what you'd like to do.

I'd think the big reasons not to go it alone are that if something goes wrong, you may want and need DH. Your DC2 may be deeply unimpressed that his/her father missed the birth to placate DC1. Your DH may regret missing the birth of his second child.

But if you've weighed it all up and having DH miss the birth is the best way out of a tough situation, then so be it. Tell the PIL that's the way it is.

[slithytove]

R.e. Home birth

If there is a risk of it happening, it's better to book one and not do it, rather than the other way around.

But a home birth is a very personal choice and one no one else can or should make for you.

Regarding your OP, if you have no other choice, then it all sounds just fine. DSD at pils if needed, you, DH and dd at hospital, DH and dd miss the main event but are there for the pre and post bits.

So YANBU.

[Lucked]

If during the day could PIl meet DH and DD at the hospital and he could come into the room for the active pushing stage. This probably wouldn't be too long.

Alternatively us there no one else - one of your best friends etc who have been around her more or whose house she is comfortable in?

[BlackeyedSusan]

ds has ASD He clung like a limpet. still does a lot. going away from mewould not have helped. he would have been attached to my leg as soon as I reappeared. not what you need when you come back with baby

why do you suspect ASD?

baby will know no different and will always have to share. it is harder for the child who has had all the attention than for the one that has always shared.

[scarletoconnor]

The last thing you need while youre in labour is to be anxious about your dd at home.
I think your suggestion is great if you go into labour in the day time.

Do you have a close friend who can accompany you i you go into labour during the night?
That was you dh can come up straight afterwards with your dd?

Also how would you / your dh feel about a close friend being there if you went into labour in the day time so you have a familiar face at the birth or in case you needed an emcs?

[PupInBoots]

I've booked my preferred hospital slithy but am having the house checked for homebirth in a few weeks just in case.

There's no one else to be with me or DD. I've thought of asking them to do that Lucked, but they're 45 mins in the opposite direction to the hospital so it's all very time dependent as to whether it'd work.

[MrsCakesPremonition]

yy to scarlet's point.
Rather than trying to find someone to care for DD, could you find a trusted adult to be your birth partner so you are not alone (and someone can keep DH updated with progress). Maybe look into using a doula?

[MrsCakesPremonition]

doula.org.uk/

[MeganAndMo]

I gave birth with just the midwives, same situation as you, didn't want to risk unreliable inlaws and also didn't want to put ds in situation he wasn't comfortable with.

I did have a few friends who offered to help out if things went badly, eg c section, very long labour, emergency etc. so this was out backup and dh would contact them if needed.

Worked out well for us. I have very short and uncomplicated labours and births though. We all went home together a few hours later. Dh doesn't feel he missed much tbh. And we did manage to have dh and ds in quite quickly after the birth.

[MeganAndMo]

I just re read my post and it was unclear. Dh and ds came to the birth centre with me but dh looked after ds in the waiting area until after I had given birth (they only waited an hour fortunately as it was fairly quick). Then they both came in for a a few visits with baby and I until we were able to go home.

[FriendlyAmoeba]

YABU. She's 2. She'll live, even if she does have ASD, she'll live. It's not going to traumatize her to be with people she doesn't know for a few hours.

Your husband should be there for the birth of his child.

But, if you're both ok with him missing the birth then fine. But he shouldn't be pressured into missing out on an important day for him as well.

[StUmbrageinSkelt]

My DH wasn't present at the birth of our second child. First child had ASD, no reliable backup care was available, it was the best choice for all of us.

It went just fine. And weirdly enough DS2 doesn't know his father was not there because it's never been a thing that was discussed. Why would it be? And why would it be a BFD? DS1 was a homebirth, DS2 was hospital, again there's no great emotional angst over that either.

[PorridgeBrain]

YABU. She's 2. She'll live, even if she does have ASD, she'll live. It's not going to traumatize her to be with people she doesn't know for a few hours.

Not sure I agree with that. When I gave birth to dd2, it was middle of the day and I left it a bit late to get get to hospital (dd2 arrived within 15 mins) as I was focussing on making everything as normal as possible for dd1. DD1 was left with a friend she was very comfortable with for an hour until my parents arrived, again who she was very comfortable with and then 2 hours later they brought her to the hospital to see us and meet her sister. DH then went home with her for the night (I had to stay in over night). The next day DH brought her into the hospital and then my dad picked her up to take her to toddler group whilst DH stayed with me. At toddler group dd1 was very subdued and then seemed run down and wanted to go home. She was very clingy to DH when he came home from hospital during the lunchtime rest period so we decided that instead of coming back to the hospital in the afternoon DH should stay with her.

She could has been unwell but I think she was feeling unsettled at the birth of a sister and me being in hospital ) had stayed away from us plenty before that). So I think it is a big deal for them and nothing wrong at all in putting older child first if you are both in agreement and your DH is ok with it. I think I would have done the same in your situation.

[Pompoko]

Personally, i think home births are safer than hospital births; if you are having a home birth, the midwife will be monitoring you and baby from very early into labor and will pop in regularly until you are in or close to established labor. She will not be rushed off her feet looking after lots of other patents, she can focus on you.
With hospital birth, they want you in at established labor and are understaffed and overworked.
My first was born in hospital the second was a planned home birth but when the midwife came for a check up at the start (hours before you would think about going into hospital) she found baby's heart rate was dropping dangerously and called an ambulance (we where 30 mins drive from hospital) i was rushed straight up to have a c-section where surgeons pulled out a very poorly baby. One more hour and he would have died.
I had no idea anything was wrong. If i had had a hospital birth he would have died because i would not have gone in till as late as i could cope. Same as i had done last time and following hospital guidelines.
So don't dismiss the idea. Our dd slept through the drama that happened above, she woke up in her bed to find granny asleep downstairs and the news that she had a baby brother.

[PotteringAlong]

If you're 32 weeks could you not spend time with them in the next few weeks? I know you said DH works weekends but do you? Could you take her over?

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

If you're happy to do it without dh, I'm sure he will be too. Talk to him...