to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

[PupInBoots]

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

[wobblyweebles]

I think the compromise is that we arrange a homebirth so we have flexibility but are still booked intohhospital if the labour and birth is similar to last time so we could do the original plan of them staying in the vicinity. If it does end up being a homebirth then we'd ask PIL to be available in case anything went wrong and I had to go in an ambulance. But even then - I'd prefer DH to stay with DD as imagine how scary for her it'd be if I was suddenly whisked off and PIL suddenly appeared.

This sounds like a good plan.

I had my second at home. My parents had offered to take DD1 but as it turned out they were away that weekend.

A few hours after the birth I haemorrhaged and went to hospital by ambulance. DH quickly called round some friends to find someone who could take DD1, but if he had been unable to then he would have brought her to hospital until he did find someone who could take her.

Sometimes there's only so much planning you can do, then life takes over...

[stagsden]

notbatman the fact that dads at birth is a modern thing and doesnt happen in other cultures is relevant when you say that a man cant be a real father if hes not at the birth. Men of the past could be real fathers despite never seeing the birth as can men from other cultures despite not seeing the birth. Whether or not a man sees the birth does not impact on what kind of father he will be.

Also to suggest that because one partner may want bith and the other only want the woman there is a serious relationship problem is utterly ridiculous. Birth is a traumatic thing and right up until the baby is here is not pretty - some women wont want their partner to see them like that - some men are left seriously traumatised by what they see - some men are bad with situations like that and may faint.

[PupInBoots]

I have never said I don't want him there, I have said that I'd be fine alone. Of course ideally he'd be there, but there is nothing ideal about this situation. There is no plan B after PIL - either to be with me or DD. I can't afford to pay for childcare and still would rather she'd be with DH as I know she'd settle whereas otherwise we'd both be wondering and worrying.

[TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams]

OP - you have 6-10 weeks to fix this situation so that a friend, neighbour, trusted babysitter, PIL or Norland Nanny has built up a relationship with your first born.

Assuming your husband wants to be at the birth, then you are being unreasonable to ask this in a normal situation where your DC1 does not have medical or other extenuating reasons for not being separated from a parent.

You or your second child could have medical issues, it is really unfair on your DC1 not to have them build a comfortable relationship with someone now. In your shoes I would simply say to your MIL or PIL that "as DC2 is now imminent, if they're offer to look after DC1 still stands that you would like to take them up on it. However at present they would need to visit a couple of times a week and work up to having DC1 comfortable with an overnight stay in order to do so. If they don't feel comfortable with that or can't make the time committment, that's fine but you will ask Joe Bloggs who is plan B"

Alternatively - set Plan B in motion and then just tell them it all happened too fast. They don't need to know that DC1 has spent 3 afternoons a week at a childminder who is willing to have him/her 24x7 for a couple of days if required.

[Molio]

NotBatman not sure what kind of marriages or partnerships you observe but I don't see any issue in values 'not lining up'. Are couples supposed to agree on everything. How dull!

[ICanSeeTheSun]

I didn't marry my clone. I can have my own views and ideas. DH may not like some of my choices and I may not like some of his but as a partnership we eventually work through it.

[bragmatic]

That was supposed to be boom tish, but it seems appropriate.

[bragmatic]

Why that is??

Possibly because you both have different preferences. Nothing more, nothing less.

I was ambivalent about his presence, and more concerned with his presents.

Boom tush.

[NotBatman]

But if your husband wants to be there and you don't want him to be, it does show your values aren't lining up and it's something to think about why that is.

[weatherall]

With a first labour that fast (I did read your update) I'd be worried about younot making it to the hospital at all!

Discuss it with your midwife.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Notbatman I would say if my DH said any of the crap you are saying then I would take it as he had no respect for me.

This is my body, nobody else's. I decides who sees my vulva, I may be married and DH has seen that part of me countless times but it's still my body part and I gets a say on who views it.

I did have DH there on both of the births of our children, but that is because I wanted him there. If I didn't I could have easily said to the MW that I didn't want anybody there and then he wouldn't have been.

[Molio]

Weird. Childbirth is not like surgery. Any decent husband/ partner would respect his wife/ partner's wishes if she preferred him not to be there. It's about him respecting her wishes, not about his insistence that he'll 'be there'.

[NotBatman]

meaning he should be there because that makes it sound like you think it's a show

Yes. You connected dot A to dot purple. It says more about your mentality for drawing such an inference than mine.

I just don't see it. Sorry.

If my husband had to get surgery or something gory, I would be there for him in the room if I could be. He would be there for me.

I'm the type of person who needs someone there for me to hand hold. Fair enough if you aren't. But if your husband wants to be there and you don't want him to be, it does show your values aren't lining up and it's something to think about why that is.

[Molio]

My relationship would have been infinitely worse had he been there. Each to their own NotBatman.

[NotBatman]

Yeah. My husband was NOT traumatized by the birth and he watched DD come out tears and all. Most men are not traumatized by it. If he was, it's his responsibility to get help so he can be there for the relationship.

[Molio]

NotBatman even while I was having contractions I quite liked the idea of a future normal sexual relationship without my husband being freaked out by seeing me 10cm dilated and in obvious pain. How difficult is it for people to get that? Then there was the no brainer of child care. Perhaps I'm just very unmystical about childbirth, but it does seem to have it's advantages.

[Molio]

NotBatman a friend said he was traumatised by his wife's birth. He's a regular bloke. Employed, keeps the family going etc. The relationship seemed ok before the birth but being required to square up to all sorts of physical difficulties during the birth destroyed quite a bit. I think you may be taking from a theoretical rosy perspective, not from gritty reality. That helps future reality tbh.

[NeedsAsockamnesty]

I to have had an above average amount of children and would have rather swung naked from Big Ben singing I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts than have had my dear late husband present at the births of our children and we had a fantastic relationship.

Some women don't like their partners present just as some dads don't want to be there,some women are perfectly happy to be alone and this is just as valid a choice as the ones who want people with them. And is certainly no indication of negativity.

Oh and I used the word exhibit due to your extremely odd view of sharing the joy in relation to child birth and insistence that the baby being 50% his meaning he should be there because that makes it sound like you think it's a show

[NotBatman]

So to clarify, no batman, if a woman doesn't want the man there, there is something wrong with the relationship and if the man doesn't want to be there, there is something wrong with the relationship?

I think it could be a sign of a bigger problem, yes.

As I said earlier, if both parties agree, that's fine.

But if one wants both there and the other doesn't, I think you need to examine why that is.

The OP's husband wants to be there, she doesn't want him there. I think that's worth examining why that is. Obviously now is not the time for marriage counseling, and OP should do what's best for her and what will make her relax most. But afterwards, I think she should explore why she didn't want him in the room.

A man missing the birth of a child so a toddler isn't fussy later is a rather flimsy excuse, to be honest. There's something deeper going on. It could as simple as an anxiety disorder, that needs to be treated right away before it turns to PND. Or it could be that she really just doesn't want PILs there at all, which is so very ridiculously reasonable. But I think she needs to stop using her toddler as a smoke screen and figure out what the real issue is, even if figuring it out has to wait until after baby is born.

[JohnFarleysRuskin]

So to clarify, no batman, if a woman doesn't want the man there, there is something wrong with the relationship and if the man doesn't want to be there, there is something wrong with the relationship?

What a load of crap.

[Molio]

I'm not sure if you're addressing me NotBatman but I have had a larger than usual number of children and I absolutely didn't want my husband there at all. Not for DC1 and not for any subsequent DC either. Any support given by him would have been at best minimal. The process can be highly undignified, never mind risky and joyful only if the outcome is successful. My husband might well have compromised that since for me he would have been in the way and just another thing to think about. He was at best an irrelevance. I'm not completely sure what it is that even marvellous partners are supposed to add in terms of support at the point of birth, but for myself I find the presence intrusive and the polar opposite of supportive. I've had some very dangerous situations with several of my deliveries, all of which I feel were better dealt with by the absence of my husband - I knew things were wrong; he wouldn't have had a clue. I simply happen to be in favour of a private situation between the HCP and myself, without third parties cluttering up the delivery room.

[MrsMaturin]

The OP's child is too young to be diagnosed with ASD. She isn't happy with people she is unfamiliar with - that is perfectly normal for toddlers. She doesn't know how the child will react with in laws for 24 hours because they've never tried that. I can see no actual reason for the Op's husband to miss the birth of his second child except for the anxiety of the OP. Not to say that isn't a good reason but the OP should be honest with both of them - this is more about her views of the inlaws and anxiety about dd than it is about the child's NEEDS as such.

[NotBatman]

First, I am a woman, not a man. I'm not even Batman.

Sorry to ruin your feminist agenda that "menz know best for women" brigade.

If a man said he didn't want to be at the birth, yes I would very much question his commitment to me and his child. If I am giving birth and going through a trying ordeal, I expect his 110% support.

If he can't be at the birth, obviously that is different. But if he doesn't want to be? Why?

It is not HER child. It is THEIR child (and once it's out of her body, he does have 50% say in how it's raised). A baby is not a possession, it is not more hers than his.

YES. Child birth IS a joyous occasion. Is it hard? Yes. Is it painful? Yes. You see your new child for the first time, that is a VERY joyous occasion (stop being difficult for the sake of it), and one the man should be a part of.

If a woman didn't want her husband at the birth, I would question the relationship as to why she didn't want him there as a support. What if things go wrong and you need an emergency CSEC? What if something happens to the baby? I would think you'd want the one person you love most there with you instead of going it alone. No one should be alone in those circumstances and child birth is unpredictable.

No the man does not have a right to be there and nor should he ever. Just like men should never be allowed to have a say in whether or not the woman has an abortion. Really, childbirth/pregnancy is hard and she should be putting herself and her needs first.

But I think does say something about your relationship if you feel your man thinks childbirth is "a show". Or if you think he'll be anything but supportive for you. Or even if you think he feels entitled over your body.

The it's recent and other cultures don't allow it is an invalid argument. It's now, and we are in this culture, not a different one. Baby car seats are recent and other cultures don't use those. What's your point?

[Igggi]

I feel uncomfortable with the idea of a woman not having any partner, friend or relative with her though. I can remember post-birth being a confusing time and it being important to be to have someone I could say "did the midwife say she'd do x at x time" etc.

[Nanny0gg]

I don't mean to sound horrible, but does your DH ever listen to you and do you ever get your own way?
Because it doesn't appear to be the case.