to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

[PupInBoots]

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

If your dh is happy with this plan then yanbu. I wouldn't even tell the pils, when baby arrives you can just say it all happened too quickly to get dd to them. By the sounds of it they won't mind! Also, I cannot see why dc2 will ever even ask if her dad was there, it isn't something that usually comes up much in conversation!

I think your idea is the best one and least disruptive to dd if your dh is in agreement. I also think your PIL don't sound interested in making the effort for your dd and therefor not the answer. A local childminder may be a good idea although it would depend on her being available when you needed her.

My niece was just like your dd. I have never known another child like it. Fortunately she had a close relationship with both my mother and myself and she did, eventually, settle at nursery. I often wondered if she had special needs but it did not prove the case and she is now 19 and at university. It is my ds2, who gave no cause for concern at that age, who has ASD.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

How about you get a doula and DH can stay with DD?

I think this is what I would do in this situation. I can understand why you don't feel comfortable - I don't think my DD would feel comfortable with my parents, whom she has only seen a few times too.

Home birth? I don't think you're being PFB - dc3 is 2 and I'm not happy to leave her with someone she isn't happy to stay with. I'm planning a home birth though (had them with dc2 and dc3) but realise that I would have to go alone if transferred to hospital for any reason. We don't have a back up plan, as we don't live near any family, I don't get on well with my parents and would much rather give birth by myself than have my mum to stay while I'm having a baby) - and don't really know anyone here well enough to ask them to look acter 3 dc, possibly overnight - and anyway, I'm not happy to leave the dc with anyone they don't know very well.

Have a chat to dh, see how he feels about it. We're both of the mindset that it isn't ideal but the only option really. I'd be very said if dh did miss the birth but will ust have to cross fingers that it happens at home like the last 2 did.

ps. My parents aren't inadequate to care for the dec, I just don't want them here! My mum is probably the only person dc3 would be ok to be left with, although she still wouldn't be overjoyed!

Oh gosh, I think my DP would be very upset if I'd suggested this. And again in turn if he'd actually missed the birth. In fairness, we do have a lot of local support so it was never an issue, but I can't imagine asking DP to miss the birth when there was an alternative.

I would use the couple of months you have left to try to either bond with your PILs or find alternative childcare. If you don't manage to spend more time with them, I would still leave DD with them, but maybe consider writing some bits and pieces down so they are prepared. I don't necessarily agree that DD would have the birth of her sibling tainted if she spent some time distressed. Odds are, she wouldn't be long without your DH anyway.

The ASD changes a huge amount.

Ultimately, the most important thing as regards the birth is that YOU are as calm and ok with arrangements and proceedings as possible - because, quite simply, if you are anxious and unhappy going into labour, it is more likely that things will get complicated and go badly.

So if that means - and it looks like for some good reasons that it does - that you need your DH to have DD, then that is what should happen.

If PIL moan about it - 'Sorry PIL - no we are NOT saying that you cannot care for her/aren't good enough - but as there has been too little time to get her used to things we aren't confident that she would be able to cope, and one of the things we DON'T want is that she associates her grandparents with stress - we want you to play a big part in her life and we don't want her put off staying with you for the sake of one emergency situation that can be sorted out another way.'

Sorry that you and your DH have this difficult choice to make.

Does the OP's child actually have ASD as she's only 2? Have I misunderstood?

I find it quite interesting (and even shocking, but I'm trying to be fair) that so many people here find it preferable, as an idea, for a father to miss the birth of his child, to having the existing child spend some time that might not be 100% ideal but will certainly be fine / adequate with close relatives. To me that sounds like madness to be very honest.

You have to do what suit you and your family.

However I urge you to get some emergency childcare sorted because you never know when it will be needed.

Stilllovingmysleep the asd is a red herring as this 2 year old have not been Dx.

My DC1 has ASD and I had homebirths for the younger DC, if I had needed to go to hospital DH would have stayed at home.

Having said that, my somewhat wooo midwife did predict that I would labour at night - and each time she was right. I had a bit of backache during the day but as soon as they were in bed -whoosh I was contracting every 5 minutes. She said I was "giving my body permission" - now obviously you can't guarantee that but chances are you could labour overnight and be done before DD wakes up.

If the. Mother is happy , why shouldn't the father not be at the birth. It's only the last 30 years it's become an expectation. Some people suggest it hinders labour. I hate the whole 'it's a fathers right to be there' attitude.

What does your DH think? Does he agree that DD1 will be distressed staying with PIL, and which does he think is more important - him being at the birth over dealing with DD1's reaction afterwards?

Homebirth, definitely.

The OP doesn't want a home birth for reasons she mentioned in her first post.

Still loving it is to do with what the op will be comfortable with. If she is stressed and anxious at the idea of her dd being in that situation, she is not going to be in the best place to deal with Labour. It is well documented that anxiety slows Labour and can lead to complications. She needs to be as relaxed about the arrangements as is possible. I think only a selfish father/partner would put their need to be at the birth above the mother's need to be relaxed and have a hopefully straight forward Labour. She can't just switch off her worry for her dd who is showing signs of asd and an inability to cope in a situation like being with ops pils.

Sorry to speak about you like you aren't reading op.

What does your DH want to do?

Haven't you got any friends that might help? Who do you socialise with?

It's your DH's decision, actually, whether he wants to be at the birth of his chlid

No it is not at all, it is 100% the mothers decision who she has with her the only bit anybody else gets to decide is if she wants them but they don't want to, nobody but nobody (outside of needed HCP) gets to insist.

YABU. Dh may want to see the birth, just put her with them tbh. It will only be a day most likely.

I don't blame you, it was such a hassle sorting it all out when I had DC2.

Do you have a friend that could come in with you? I think it is good to have someone there, if you can.

DP wouldn't care about missing that bit, he only got on my nerves anyway standing in the corner flapping about like a big useless thing.

Check with the hospital about when you could have your DD in.

I also think your right in that if your DD gets very upset your going to have to come home with the new baby, maybe knackered, and deal with that as well as everything else.

My mother let DS go wild when she stayed here with him and I was greeted by him like a swivel eyed monster so wound up he vomited all over the floor twenty minutes after I walked in! It was not stress free at all.

What does your dh want? I know its frowned upon to bring up other threads but from your other thread would ur dh want to be at home by himself with ur dd and possibly his other dc? Seeing as he cant seem to spend a night alone with them without u there.

YANBU.
I have no time for the ppl who think you're being PFB etc. and yes, dd will "survive" but personally, Im ok with aiming a little higher than avoiding fatalities when planning childcare.
Talk to your dh.
It's possible a home birth would be ideal for you.
Or he could stay with dd while you're in hospital.
It's a shame you didn't all get to talk about this before now of course.
And i would consider that you might want someone with you.
What about fil? Will they be together? Does he have any beneficial influence on MILs impatience?

No it is not at all, it is 100% the mothers decision who she has with her the only bit anybody else gets to decide is if she wants them but they don't want to, nobody but nobody (outside of needed HCP) gets to insist.

If the mother is going to expect the father to do 50% of the work once the baby is born, and be a major part of its life, I think it's fair for the father to expect to be part of the child's birth. The only time this is an exception is if the father is abusive, the relationship is rocky, or the father wouldn't be suitable to be a good father. Otherwise, why wouldn't you want the father there? It's not just the mother's child she's giving birth to, and it's pretty cruddy to expect a father to do 50% of the work without sharing 50% of the joy.

Can't understand how we've got to this state where no dad can miss the entertainment of childbirth.

So not batman, if a father isn't at the birth then he shouldn't bother being a father at all? Weird.

Childbirth is painful for women- shall we say if a man can't share 50% of the pain then there's no point him being a parent?