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AIBU?

to ask DH to miss the birth of our second child?

141 replies

PupInBoots · 19/07/2014 23:56

When I found out I was pregnant with DC2, MIL offered to have our DD while I was giving birth. DD is almost 2 and not used to PIL at all - they only live 45 mins away but rarely visit. DH works a lot of weekends so we can't get over there much, plus PIL enjoy caravanning and are often away at weekends. I'm now 32 weeks and PIL have seen us once during the pregnancy, they've cancelled twice and are away three times between now and my due date so we'll probably see them once more at most.

DD won't even stay in the same room as them without DH and I, or let them pick her up or anything. She cannot talk and they don't have a clue about her sounds and preferences for anything. MIL is quite impatient and to be honest, DD is quite high maintenance, and the two just don't mix without DD becoming inconsolable.

We're 45 mins from hospital on a good run which can increase to double that in rush hour - I feel it's too far to feel comfortable having a home birth just in case anything went wrong. When I had DD, DH and I checked in and got checked out at the hospital then went for lunch/a walk/ice cream while trying to move things along. When I went back in to hospital, DD was born 15 mins later.

I just don't feel happy at the idea of DD being left with PIL as I know she won't be happy and worry it'll taint the whole having a sibling experience for her. DH has said he's worried because PIL haven't made much effort to see her and get her used to them. Would I be being unreasonable if I asked DH if we could aim for a similar day to last time - I.e. Where we're in the vicinity of the hospital but I just go in for the birth, and that DD comes with us and he misses the birth to stay with her? There's no one else we can ask to have her and DH is the only person besides me that I can be comfortable she's happy with.

OP posts:

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Molio · 21/07/2014 00:58

NotBatman even while I was having contractions I quite liked the idea of a future normal sexual relationship without my husband being freaked out by seeing me 10cm dilated and in obvious pain. How difficult is it for people to get that? Then there was the no brainer of child care. Perhaps I'm just very unmystical about childbirth, but it does seem to have it's advantages.

NotBatman · 21/07/2014 00:58

Yeah. My husband was NOT traumatized by the birth and he watched DD come out tears and all. Most men are not traumatized by it. If he was, it's his responsibility to get help so he can be there for the relationship.

Molio · 21/07/2014 01:02

My relationship would have been infinitely worse had he been there. Each to their own NotBatman.

NotBatman · 21/07/2014 01:04

meaning he should be there because that makes it sound like you think it's a show

Yes. You connected dot A to dot purple. It says more about your mentality for drawing such an inference than mine.

I just don't see it. Sorry.

If my husband had to get surgery or something gory, I would be there for him in the room if I could be. He would be there for me.

I'm the type of person who needs someone there for me to hand hold. Fair enough if you aren't. But if your husband wants to be there and you don't want him to be, it does show your values aren't lining up and it's something to think about why that is.

Molio · 21/07/2014 01:18

Weird. Childbirth is not like surgery. Any decent husband/ partner would respect his wife/ partner's wishes if she preferred him not to be there. It's about him respecting her wishes, not about his insistence that he'll 'be there'.

ICanSeeTheSun · 21/07/2014 01:56

Notbatman I would say if my DH said any of the crap you are saying then I would take it as he had no respect for me.

This is my body, nobody else's. I decides who sees my vulva, I may be married and DH has seen that part of me countless times but it's still my body part and I gets a say on who views it.

I did have DH there on both of the births of our children, but that is because I wanted him there. If I didn't I could have easily said to the MW that I didn't want anybody there and then he wouldn't have been.

weatherall · 21/07/2014 05:41

With a first labour that fast (I did read your update) I'd be worried about younot making it to the hospital at all!

Discuss it with your midwife.

NotBatman · 21/07/2014 05:43

But if your husband wants to be there and you don't want him to be, it does show your values aren't lining up and it's something to think about why that is.

bragmatic · 21/07/2014 05:57

Why that is??

Possibly because you both have different preferences. Nothing more, nothing less.

I was ambivalent about his presence, and more concerned with his presents.

Boom tush.

bragmatic · 21/07/2014 05:58

That was supposed to be boom tish, but it seems appropriate.

ICanSeeTheSun · 21/07/2014 08:28

I didn't marry my clone. I can have my own views and ideas. DH may not like some of my choices and I may not like some of his but as a partnership we eventually work through it.

Molio · 21/07/2014 10:23

NotBatman not sure what kind of marriages or partnerships you observe but I don't see any issue in values 'not lining up'. Are couples supposed to agree on everything. How dull!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 21/07/2014 13:01

OP - you have 6-10 weeks to fix this situation so that a friend, neighbour, trusted babysitter, PIL or Norland Nanny has built up a relationship with your first born.

Assuming your husband wants to be at the birth, then you are being unreasonable to ask this in a normal situation where your DC1 does not have medical or other extenuating reasons for not being separated from a parent.

You or your second child could have medical issues, it is really unfair on your DC1 not to have them build a comfortable relationship with someone now. In your shoes I would simply say to your MIL or PIL that "as DC2 is now imminent, if they're offer to look after DC1 still stands that you would like to take them up on it. However at present they would need to visit a couple of times a week and work up to having DC1 comfortable with an overnight stay in order to do so. If they don't feel comfortable with that or can't make the time committment, that's fine but you will ask Joe Bloggs who is plan B"

Alternatively - set Plan B in motion and then just tell them it all happened too fast. They don't need to know that DC1 has spent 3 afternoons a week at a childminder who is willing to have him/her 24x7 for a couple of days if required.

PupInBoots · 21/07/2014 13:22

I have never said I don't want him there, I have said that I'd be fine alone. Of course ideally he'd be there, but there is nothing ideal about this situation. There is no plan B after PIL - either to be with me or DD. I can't afford to pay for childcare and still would rather she'd be with DH as I know she'd settle whereas otherwise we'd both be wondering and worrying.

OP posts:

stagsden · 21/07/2014 15:12

notbatman the fact that dads at birth is a modern thing and doesnt happen in other cultures is relevant when you say that a man cant be a real father if hes not at the birth. Men of the past could be real fathers despite never seeing the birth as can men from other cultures despite not seeing the birth. Whether or not a man sees the birth does not impact on what kind of father he will be.

Also to suggest that because one partner may want bith and the other only want the woman there is a serious relationship problem is utterly ridiculous. Birth is a traumatic thing and right up until the baby is here is not pretty - some women wont want their partner to see them like that - some men are left seriously traumatised by what they see - some men are bad with situations like that and may faint.

wobblyweebles · 21/07/2014 15:55

I think the compromise is that we arrange a homebirth so we have flexibility but are still booked intohhospital if the labour and birth is similar to last time so we could do the original plan of them staying in the vicinity. If it does end up being a homebirth then we'd ask PIL to be available in case anything went wrong and I had to go in an ambulance. But even then - I'd prefer DH to stay with DD as imagine how scary for her it'd be if I was suddenly whisked off and PIL suddenly appeared.

This sounds like a good plan.

I had my second at home. My parents had offered to take DD1 but as it turned out they were away that weekend.

A few hours after the birth I haemorrhaged and went to hospital by ambulance. DH quickly called round some friends to find someone who could take DD1, but if he had been unable to then he would have brought her to hospital until he did find someone who could take her.

Sometimes there's only so much planning you can do, then life takes over...

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