To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

[EleanorHandbasket]

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

There is no hope when sahm actually consider themselves to be unemployed. People a sahm with preschool children is providing childcare so is not unemployed. Even the govt treat them differently to job seekers. Even ones with school aged dc are providing part time childcare in term time and full time in the holidays.
Personally I feel a sahm with school aged dc should be able to keep on top of home during the time dc are at school. Op, I think your friend does just that. However, the wohm party should still take plates out into kitchen, deal with toilet stains (gross) etc. Her dh clearly doesn't respect her.
Plus evening stuff like bedtime routines and tidying kitchen should be shared. Possibly with sahm doing slightly more depending on age of dc. Weekends shared again.
Although getting this through to my dh is proving difficult and I have a small business too.

I only read first page of thread and I got meself some rage thing going on grrrrrr

Time to go to bed, SM, you've had a skinful.

No,i dont drink.but if belittling me makes you feel better about your dh drinking,its temporary
Is that the issue?he was so drunk that he became contrary?

Scottish you're reinforcing the patriarchical systems by spouting this shit. It is just what a man would say to keep himself on top! Make derogatory remarks about work you deem as women's work and keep telling yourself and us how busy you are with your important e-mails. Sorry I'm not convinced by this explanation of the superiority of paid work. It's a few e-mails, phone calls, 'deadlines', been there, seen that, got the bloody t-shirt, worked for huge a organisation with lots of Kudos- you don't know the meaning of pressure unless you've worked where I did- still not convinced its more important than the 'choice' I've made now though!

Why didn't you both share childcare?why did it wholly fall to you

The SAHP should not be a slave but if DCs are in school then they should do majority of chores.
I use leisure/free time as a rule of thumb- if both partners have same amount of relaxation time, then balance is right.

Do not engage with SM on this subject, it's a total waste of time. She can talk sence on other subjects, but never on this one.

Are you a moderator?no.so lets let the adults chose whom they engage with

SM has an extreme view but a valid one IMO.

But the SAHM's work doesn't count because there are no emails in it Personally I'd rather deal with a shedload of emails, not to mention the occasional difficult phone call, than a day's worth of potty training residue or even helping with some bloody craft project. I suck at making stuff out of cardboard boxes and sticky tape.

Am left totally "wtf?" at the thought that a SAHM needs to justify not being in paid employment, to anyone in the world other than her partner. It's for a couple to work out between them how they share the workload, and if a hard-working company director, say, doesn't have a problem with his wife (or her husband!) not adding to the already-considerable family pile, nobody else should have one. If she is failing to fulfil her end of the bargain, whatever they jointly perceive the bargain to be, that is a different matter.

the op premise is that her mate is unfairly maligned.vast majority on dont agree
Interestingly,the housewives on thread don't agree with op assertion its unfair

Goldenbear - well said

scottish - just because its not a choice youd make (or maybe you would given the chance and thats why your so ott on the subject), doesnt mean its wrong. Your still stuck on the "why the woman" - but in my experience its because the woman WANTS to and i know a few like me whos dh would gladly be a sahd but like me they want to be a sahm and they win - if anything its poor men.

Im not stuck,you need to think less superficial,think deeper.why is childcare women work?
Golden hasnt answered why they didn't go pt each.that way her choice still fulfilled
But also recent gov stats are @70% women work.so you're wring not all women want to be housewife

Hardly anyone has said it's unfair that she did the majority of the household tasks - indeed the OP's friend didn't say it herself. She just has an issue with the slovenly git not cleaning up after taking a dump, and dropping things randomly round the place while she walks round after him sucking things up like the Noo-noo in Tellytubbies, with which the vast majority here did agree as far as I can see.

So we agree,the op is being unreasonable
Her husband disagreed with her too on this topic
But i believe she has issues with his alcohol consumption on that occasion

But how many of that 70% are working in dead end jobs they hate and would give up in a heartbeat if they could afford to?

However, PC and non sexist we try to be, very few men would choose to do the majority of child care or house work. Especially when DCs are small.

Its outrageously dismissive to presume women work is dead end
Do you conversely query how many men are in dead end jobs?
Imo,no job dead end.if it legal and legit,fills fridge,sustain a family

I never said all women want to be sahm just that of those that are sahm its their choice.

Its not womens work - the fact that women are more likely to choose it than men doesnt mean its only for women or that women are forced into it.

Plus if you really want to get into it natural hormones, and mothering instinct are natural biological factors they dont just totally disappear because we had a feminist movement. Its the way we evolved & yes it will still influence our choices.

Its also been proven that men dont react the same as a woman to their baby (women have a hightened response). However new evidence has shown that when a mothers out of the equation a man can develop a more mother like response.

Ultimately complex biology plays a part in the decisions we make and the things we want and yes this will make it more likely for the woman to want to stay at home than the dad. This doesnt mean women are lesser for doing it.

Plus i do know quite a few people with dh like mine who want to be sahd but lost out to the mother wanting to be the sahm. Its the mens that dont tend to get a choice and get pushed out. Women have a higher right to choose to be a sahp than a man in our society.

Also many men get ridiculed for being a sahd and seen as a failure in our society, also making them less likely to do it.

elephant,housewife cant provide recent employment reference,it isnt job,pays no salary
significantly more potential disadvantage to being housewife,than what you call dead end job

should say men often* get ridiculed

Scottish just because something doesnt pay a salary doesnt mean its not a job.

Yanbu

But that is based on the assumption that the sahm of school age child does spend the majority of the time the child is at school on housework, meal prep, etc

It is different for sahm of pre- school aged children as the wohp will need to spend more time doing housework as obviously the sahm's time is more spent on childcare.

I think weekends should be more evenly shared between both as well.

Stag,youve dismissed female employment as dead end work?thats dreadful

Scottish get your facts straight at no point have i said womens employment is dead end

you obviously have serious issues relating to this subject.