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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

261 replies

EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:04

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Picklepest · 19/07/2014 14:23

Frankly I think the housework stuff is 9-5. 8-6 at most! Why should it be 24hrs? Don't see any ft doing that. Fucked if I am. Once home, you see a job that needs doing, chip in or fuck off.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/07/2014 14:24

If I was a sahm with school aged children I would expect to do the housework during the day.

However I wouldn't expect my DH to take the piss and treat me as some sort of skivvy and pick up after him. He's big enough not to leave crap all over the floor and pick up after himself. Weekends I would expect things to be shared.

There's no reason why one person needs to work 24/7. And I would expect older children to muck in and learn about housework!

sonlypuppyfat · 19/07/2014 14:25

My DH works in heavy industry I don't think I could compare hoovering and dusting with carrying big sheets of steel around sweating his b***ks off.

fifi669 · 19/07/2014 14:25

Of course she should do everything! With no children to look after what is she doing all day? The time inbetween school runs is plenty of time to do all the housework.

Calloh · 19/07/2014 14:26

I'm a SAHM and do everything. Including most of the DIY, all ironing, cleaning, finances and planning.

I'm not entirely sure what I think about this. I get resentful when plates are left on top of the dishwasher, or worse on the table.

I also get resentful when there is no acknowledgment of the fact that me being at home enables him to dedicate more time to his career.

I agree with joysmum that it's about intensity and length of working hours. I am fine with doing all during week. I am trying to negotiate a more equal split during the weekends.

Picklepest · 19/07/2014 14:27

And there's som mysoginistic attitudes on this thread that are eye watering

JoeyMaynardsghost · 19/07/2014 14:27

^When I asked him not to make my life harder than it has to be and he could at least tidy up after himself, he told me it's not a sexist thing, it's the job of the stay at home parent.

I'm now depressed and demotivated to do anything and feel like a slave, feel devalued and unloved and DH has told me I'm wrong for feeling that way^

Shock Not surprised that you're depressed! It IS a sexist thing. If the boot were on the other foot, would HE like it if you did the same thing to him? It's not your job to tidy up after him. Is he a man-child? Does he want to be spoon fed at dinner time or does he manage that by himself?

I'm NOT having a go at you, hun, but I'm angry FOR you, by the way that he's beating your feelings down like you don't matter. HE is wrong for making you feel that way.

Yes, you are the SAHM so a lot of household tasks are yours, but it doesn't mean that you are the slave to clear up everything that he chooses to discard!

I would be bloody minded and dump his socks in the bin. Then when he runs out of clean socks, tell him that he obviously didn't want them as he left them laying around rather than putting them in the laundry basket so they've gone.

BeachyKeen · 19/07/2014 14:27

I am responsible for the house, and all it entails. DH is responsible for earning. I wouldn't expect him to work at home as well, although he often does volunteer to, as I am dealing with a painful long term illness. When I am really ill, he takes care of the house totally.
The DC are teens, and clean up after them selves. They do their own laundry, and help with cooking/cleaning/shopping.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:29

Blinkandmiss, did you blink and miss the bit where I said she does do all the housework?

She was telling me the other day that she is struggling a bit because her dh refuses to do a single household chore, because he says it's her job.

I find that a bit sad and not how a partnership should work.

OP posts:
JoeyMaynardsghost · 19/07/2014 14:29

italics fail.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:30

Also, I offered her an interview for a pt job recently and he didn't want her to do it as he needs her at home.

Make of that what you will.

OP posts:
PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 14:30

And there's som mysoginistic attitudes on this thread that are eye watering

Oh come off it. I'd say exactly the same to a SAHF. If you're at home with school age children, not earning a wage your job is the house and domestic affairs.

Stropzilla · 19/07/2014 14:31

Joey I did tell him he was being a prat, and I would be throwing away any socks I found rather than lovingly carting them to the washing pile. He has since a) bought a lot of new socks, b) stopped doing it and c) apologised. and just for the record I have a pre schooler and school ager. We are having issues at the moment where I'm really not feeling heard right now and he's passing them off. Charmingly called me deluded and controlling this morning when I asked him not to add to the mountain of mess by buying yet more DVDs we don't need.

BlinkAndMiss · 19/07/2014 14:31

So she doesn't work so that she can have a naice tidy home. But she doesn't want to do all of it.

She sounds like she's hard work. If she has very high standards then she's putting the pressure on herself to have a perfect home and I think that's unfair on her DH who she would expect to have the same impossibly high standards whilst working. She can't manage work and cleaning so why should he?

He sounds lazy if he made a fuss about ironing his own shirt but - at the risk of a flaming - she doesn't work so that she can do housework, doesn't laundry come under that umbrella?

She sounds like she wants a show house to show off to her friends with, rather than a comfortable and happy home for her and her family.

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2014 14:31

I've got 2 kids, 19.5 and 17.5. I've been a SAHM for most of their lives, in recent years its been due to being unable to work, when they were smaller it was choice, when I have worked it was part-time.

I have always done the bulk of the housework. How it works now is I do the dusting, laundry, ironing including DH's shirts (not sure why I wouldn't do them), cleaning the kitchen general tidying. I have to do bits each day and it takes me ages. I cook dinner, with help from one of the kids, if DH has had a really shit day he doesn't help tidy up after otherwise he does. DH cleans the bathrooms, does the hoovering and mops the floors because I can't.

When they were small, including when they were babies and BF, I did everything. I used to wash up and tidy the kitchen after dinner while DH was getting them bathed and ready for bed. They were in bed by 7:30 and we both sat down.

I have never ever felt my job as a SAHM has been 24/7 tbh.

BlinkAndMiss · 19/07/2014 14:32

It is her job, that's why she doesn't work?

sonlypuppyfat · 19/07/2014 14:32

One of my friends hated housework and her DH used to come home clean up and cook. She's on her own now.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 19/07/2014 14:33

stropzilla, that's awful. He sees you as his maid rather than his partner. I'd be reading him the riot act or refusing to pick and clean up after him anymore. Let him sort himself out. No wonder you're miserable.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 14:33

But OP she has all day to do housework. How long does it take ? Are they living in a stately home?

Assuming it's a normal family home and no disability why should this take any more than a few hours per day?

seasidesally · 19/07/2014 14:33

i think if the partner works fulltime male or female then the one at home especially if the children are at school should do the lions share

if the other partner does few hrs then no they should help more but not so it's 50/50

my opinion will not be popular on MN but can never understand how a sahm with kids in school will have a cleaner etc

but as ive said before my life often seems very differrent to many on mn

there does seem to be many threads on this subject at the moment

Picklepest · 19/07/2014 14:34

It's funny the attitudes of those working. Those don't last long once they are at home for any period of sahp-ing. Then suddenly it's all "I'm no skivvy!" Responsibility must be shared! Etc etc

There's a big difference between sahp and servant. Problem is first can be become second almost before one notices. Can be very hard to articulate issues then. As this thread shows clearly.

MsJupiter · 19/07/2014 14:36

I'm surprised by this. Although maybe would have got different responses outside of aibu. I would have been shocked at your party too so yanbu.

I work pt and DH works ft, both in average paid jobs. We have a toddler. He has specifically said he would hate me to be doing loads of housework during the days I'm not working as they are for me to spend time with our DS. We do alternate dinner and bedtimes and share the housework. I also do most of the 'house management' type stuff and do lunches etc, organise DS for his childcare/ days out etc. It works very well for us!

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2014 14:37

I can't see how a no-disabled woman is struggling to keep a house clean and tidy between the hours of 9-3:30 5 days a week.

My house is shining like a new pin, I have a disability and find plenty of time to arse about knitting, MNetting, or something.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:38

She does do all the housework, and does it willingly.

But the three things that stuck out for me is that he doesn't wash up or even take his plate to the kitchen after dinner, he doesn't iron his own shirt if he needs one (he doesn't wear one every day, this would be a one off job) and he leaves skids in the loo.

I am actually gob smacked that people think having a wife at home means you get to delegate all the shitwork completely.

OP posts:
Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:39

She's not struggling to keep the house tidy, she's struggling mentally with being a skivvy.

OP posts:
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