To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

[EleanorHandbasket]

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

As a sahm I am willing to do the bulk of the housework while dh is at work. When he gets home I expect him to help

How is it not possible to do all house work within the hours of 9-5 or 6,five days a week?

I was very briefly a stay at home. The work expanded to fill the hours available for it.

I have a 16 month old and an 8 year old.

I class myself as unemployed not a SAHM.

I do the bulk of chores i.e cooking, tidying, shopping, sorting bills, laundry, dishes etc but DP hoovers and mops floors. If the toilet needs cleaned before I get a chance he does it, if DD is having a Velcro day he might do the kitchen, he cleans the windows.

Basically its an even split here, yes I do the bulk because I happen to be at ho.e but he pitches in and I think that's how it should be

It is not possible to do it all in this house as I don't consider it to be more important than my DC's other needs. If I did all the housework I would be neglecting my 3 year old.

Agreed infinity

Used to throw the kids at DH when they were little when he came home and then jump in the bath...I was very clean in those days

Scottish - how can you seriously suggest that a woman making a choice is anti-feminism???

I gave up work because I WANTED to care for my child full time, i did not want to put my child in childcare. My husband backed MY choice (he would have supported any choice id made), even though it meant BOTH of us making sacrifices to make the finances stretch. - there is nothing anti-feminist in me choosing to be the kind of mother i want to be - choice is what women fought for.

In answer to op - she should do all the house work as dc are at school but housework does not include literally clearing up his shit, picking up after him and generally pandering to his every wim.

Im stating the choice seems to be female give up work.vast majority giving up work,female
Im not inhibiting anyone choice.at all.im observing if yiu chose housewife,male works.thats patriarchy
I rarely read of sharing or both go pt.in case if not wanting to use childcare,why wouldnt both go pt to be primary carers?

Jesus, my husband does fuck all. Well, he picks his scants iff the floor, cooks about twice a month..... But he thinks he has the easy job, and I think I have, so were both content. I love bring a housewife. Reluctantly going back to work soon, but...it's emotionally fraught rather than physically demanding IMO.

Scottish has said in other threads that she's all for men being sahds because that's not aiding and abetting patriarchy. Fortunately for us, the last thing we're considering when making decisions for the five of us, is what the patriarchy are thinking or doing :)
We please ourselves.
Luckily we have the choice.
Anyone so vitriolic about sahms surely has ishoos, armchair psychiatry aside. (secretly wishing they had partner with very high salary)

Dont paraphrase me,you inevitably get it wrong
Makes you look daft

Honestly? A lot of women work full or part time and still do everything.

And yet suggesting that a man could/should do the same is considered ridiculous, unfair. Why? What do you think is wrong with men? As a mother of several grown or growing sons, this worries me. Are men really so much less capable of, well, everything really, bar lifting heavy weights (excluding dustbins)? Cannot a man go out to work all day, come home via the childminder, cook dinner for four, bath kids, put them to bed, wash up and run a quick mop around the kitchen? I bet he can - and that quite a few do. I'm not saying, if there's an able-bodied adult at home, that he should necessarily have to. It depends what has been agreed between them. There are nearly as many models of parenting by couples as there are couples of parents, and as long as all parties are happy, they're all right. It's having different expectations that leads to grief.

No fair saying my mother only found it hard work because she had no labour saving devices. It was the 1960s - 70s, not the 1890s! She had a washing machine, vacuum cleaner, lawnmower (albeit not a power one), hot running water, er, probably other things I've forgotten. She didn't drive, but not everyone does nowadays either - and it's not naughty not to drive, some people just can't for whatever reason (pathologically low self-belief and absent-mindedness, in her case!). What I'm saying is that you can't look around at a neat little semi and wonder why someone can't tidy their house in half an hour, discounting the fact that quite a lot of people don't live in a neat little semi.

I was talking to someone the other day who does drive, but their child is at school some distance away (for sound practical reasons) and the school run takes two hours. Collecting children from school only takes ten minutes; well, it only took me five minutes to walk round to fetch the DCs when I lived in a largeish village (or XH twenty minutes to drive the long way round, park and wait, one of his many little foibles). Does that mean this woman is seriously slacking; has sent her child to the "wrong" school; or that she has a different arrangement that should be respected?

Scottish - We didnt split it so we were both part time because im selfish and love spending all week with my son.

Tbh hubby has said on quite a few occasions he wouldnt mind staying at home and me working if id like to - he said ds (2) is harder work than his job but it would be so much more rewarding to be a sahd and he adores spending time with ds.

Fine.presumably you know makes you financially dependent,and impact to career
When boy at school what will you do as no childcare needed

Um, you do know school is only 9-3 and only 38 weeks of the year?

Still plenty of childcare to do or to find.

Scottish - i intend to work pt when son at school. I know that my career has been impacted but in general pt work impacts too.

Plus my mom became a career woman once my 3 brothers and i had grown up - she did very well. So ultimately if i want a career later its still perfectly possible just have to work hard to get backinto the workforce.

Also i do NOT consider myself financially dependant. Dh and I BOTH chose to have a child, we are both equally responsible for him. I do my part by caring for our son, dh does his by having the paid job - therefore the money dh earns is equally mine (my share is earnt by raising our son, whilst he works). Also i control the finances so its not like i ever have to ask dh for any money.

Plus i out earnt dh for years and worked whilst he was briefly unemployed - did that mean he was financially dependant on me? - in our eyes no. All money has always been equal with us regardless of who actually earnt it.

Um,yes i also know you cannot possibly justify staying at home if kid in school
Um,im happy to share my extensive knowledge of choosing nursery and summer club
Um,majority of women manage to work and have children,its not insurmountable

Cannot possibly justify?

What?

Who has to justify it? If a second wage isn't needed to keep the family afloat why would you put yourself through the stress and drama of juggling two working parents?

Have you been drinking?

Honestly that might be the maddest thing regarding sahm I've read from you yet.

'Um,yes i also know you cannot possibly justify staying at home if kid in school'

I mean really. What the fuck. Do you think we live in some sort of dictatorship where you have to have a paid job?

Youre familiar with justification.You started a whole thread about your housewife friend
Your dh agreed it was justified that seeing she didn't work,she should do tasks

Dh had had the best part of a bottle of wine at the time.

What's your excuse?

But me and dh do NOT want our child in childcare - we do not believe it is our sons best interest (a very personal choice and not saying others are wrong). If i went out to work hubby would become a sahd to not put our son in childcare.

Obviously this is a very different choice to yours but it doesnt make my choice (or your) any less valid than the other.

Also i could justify staying at home once son in school but i wouldnt want to be in the house on my own from 9:30-3:00. Any work i take will have to fit with school hours and half terms though, so may take a little while to find.

Our work is divided in a similar way to what you describe OP, when I'm not working. My husband works, and does the typical 'man' jobs, garden, car and DIY. When I'm working he does a lot of childcare and we get a cleaner. I feel it's fair, and although laughably traditional it does work for us.
I accept that some of my work as a housewife extends into the evening (though I try and keep evenings free of cleaning, washing etc) and think that it evens out as I get chance to chill out in the day when kids are at nursery, which DH doesn't.

Read your isn thread,your aghast the majority inc your dh think friend should do tasks
Does your dh drunk too much?does it impair his judgement,sway his opinion
Thats what your saying,that in absence if alcohol dh be coherent?and agree with you