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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

261 replies

EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:04

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 01:24

the op premise is that her mate is unfairly maligned.vast majority on dont agree
Interestingly,the housewives on thread don't agree with op assertion its unfair

Has anybody actually said its totally acceptable that she should have to be his waitress and clean up his shit stains?

Because those are the things that the op is complaining about.

Do you really believe that it's ok for anybody to treat anybody else with such little respect just because they are not in paid employment?

scottishmummy · 20/07/2014 01:25

Indeed,it was not you who said dead end jobs I am wrong
But let's not get all dr crane I have no ishoos.i do have an opinion
I don't race around thread asking folk if they have issues,i do assume opinions

scottishmummy · 20/07/2014 01:27

Sock,you're significantly digressing.on thread vast majority think op is being unreasonable
As I said,previously it is boorish that he leave wc in dirty state

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 01:46

No I'm not, it's in the op those are the things the op is saying she is shocked about and was shocked that the people at the party agreed with happening.

She's not really even talking about her being a sahm with household responsibilities she's complaining about her friend being treated like a put apon badly treated skivvy

She's made it perfectly clear throughout the thread that her friend is not complaining about the housework nor is she, she is complaining about the aspects of it that no reasonable person would expect someone else to do for them,the things you describe as boorish are the only things she is complaining about.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 01:50

Perhaps if she started another thread saying

Is it acceptable for an able bodied adult to not even clean up their own shit or remove their own plate from the table after use just because a SAHP lives in the house and totally left of the question of how much other SAHP do the thread would have gone very differently

scottishmummy · 20/07/2014 01:59

That would indeed be a new thread,which she's at liberty to commence.though i fear she preoccupied by her dh drinking
on this thread overwhelming posts are op is unreasonable.
Numerous housewives agreeing it's the sham role to undertake majority tasks

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 20/07/2014 06:41

Blimey sm. The only one preoccupied by my dh drinking is you.

You've mentioned it quite a lot, I mentioned it once.

I don't think anyone's disagreed with me actually, only those who misunderstood my admittedly poorly written op.

OP posts:
backbystealth · 20/07/2014 07:48

This is ridiculous - everyone is saying the same thing and some people are determined to create a barney as usual.

Everyone is agreement that the lionshare of housework/domesticity should fall to a SAHP. If not, they're not fulfilling an important part of their role and the conveyor belt of family life will come to a shuddering halt.

Working husband is a DICK if he won't put a plate in the dishwasher or clean the loo after use. That is powerful and unpleasant message he's sending her: he is pretty much literally shitting all all over her.

As I said upthread I work FT and my dh is a SAHD. Of course I always help clear, tidy at home if needed and do a big clean on the weekend. He still does a huge majority of it.

Goldenbear · 20/07/2014 07:58

Scottish, why can't you just refer to 'posters' rather than 'Housewives' as we all know you are using the word perjoratively? It is like describing nurseries as 'child storage facilities' or parents who use child care as being indifferent to their child's emotional needs and justifying their actions based on providing a good 'quality of life' for the child where as really they mean- a good quality of life for themselves. It is not hard to be a 'bigot' but most find it distasteful!

backbystealth · 20/07/2014 08:06

I wouldn't bite, Goldenbear, to be honest. To say she's goady is to say bears shit in the woods.

I like some of sm's posts and agree with some of her values. I've always worked FT and I do personally feel women should think long and hard about what it means for their independence and future fulfilment - marriages don't always last, children grow up etc. But the vitriol towards women making other, perfectly valid choices is depressing.

Runningforfun · 20/07/2014 08:32

I am a SAHM and if only all I have to do is the cleaning laundry and ironing it would be great but in the 4 hours I have between getting home after the school run and setting off to pick up again I also have to

Do the shopping, gardening, DIY, window cleaning, painting and decorating, fitting our new kitchen, putting wooden flooring down, pay all the bills, do all the cooking and washing up. Then when I have picked up from school their are after school activities all with uniforms to be got to and picked up from.
Then i have to fend off questions from children about why their father prefers to watch X factor, BGT or Big Brother than play with them.
Dh expects to do nothing when he comes home and so he does nothing as he says he has been to work all day.

I am a SAHM because if I did go back to working full or part time dh would still not move a muscle and I would still have to do everything as well. As his argument would still be that he had been to work all day.

kitesfoorever · 20/07/2014 08:40

Yabu, I think that once children are school age then a sahp should do all the daytime housework. That being said, the wohp should clean and tidy after themselves in the evening, put clothes in washing basket etc

JohnFarleysRuskin · 20/07/2014 09:04

The housework issue aside, why would anyone get involved with someone who didn't clean up their own shit stains or take their plates in?

Ds 6 manages this.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 09:30

That would indeed be a new thread,which she's at liberty to commence.though i fear she preoccupied by her dh drinking
on this thread overwhelming posts are op is unreasonable.
Numerous housewives agreeing it's the sham role to undertake majority tasks

It wouldn't really be a new thread now would it,it would just be one that would be far harder to misrepresent.

Pagwatch · 20/07/2014 09:35

I think the thread is filled with people agreeing that the bulk of the house related work falls to the sahp but that being expected to clean skiddy toilets and clean up and adults plates is massively taking the piss. Which was the op wasn't it?

RufusTheReindeer · 20/07/2014 10:15

Exactly right

unlucky83 · 20/07/2014 11:13

So I'm a SAHP, DCs have been on school holiday for a couple of weeks (Scotland) ...
We needed a big shop & to get a birthday present for friend of DD2 next week. Was going to go today -then realised at 4.30pm I had a decent voucher for the supermarket I wanted to go that ran out yesterday....damn.
Decided just to go - took DD2 with me to choose present, a junk food dinner, then the shop.
DD1(13) didn't want to come -she was going to make packet soup, DP (who had been working in the morning) could have a ready meal.
Kitchen was tidyish...work top clear at least.
Came back at 8.30pm, DP in bed (has to get up early for work), carried shopping in off road (about 30m, up & down steps - took 3 trips) to find this ....rest of kitchen is no better...dirty pans on stove top etc..
Yes that is a dishwasher - and yes it was empty. The milk carton & bottle are empty, the cereal box (DP snack!) etc aren't...you might be able to spot the empty dirty microwave rice packet next to the kettle...next to DP dirty plates...DD1 said DP left his mess so she couldn't tidy up Hmm ...(yes I was furious -if I didn't have the shopping to put away I would have left it for DP & DD1 to do when he got back from work. DD1 did help tidy up - but complaining it wasn't fair - this & that was DPs - and she did have a point)
But obviously I shouldn't be furious because as a SAHP it is my job to tidy that up ....in fact how dare I leave poor DP & DD1 to fend for themselves...

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?
mrsruffallo · 20/07/2014 11:19

I work and DH is the sahp. I must admit I resent doing any housework at all, although I wash up now and then.

Mintyy · 20/07/2014 12:31

Well you need to grow up mrsruffalo, and start pulling your weight around the house.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 20/07/2014 13:09

I actually pay 2 people a good full time wage to make sure I don't have to do any housework but I still wouldn't expect them to wait on me hand and foot or clean up my shit.

ohforfoxsake · 20/07/2014 13:30

No. When DH comes home he can expect a meal but after that it's a level playing field.

Do it all and you are setting yourself up to do it all when you go back to work.

Iownathreeinchferrari · 20/07/2014 13:42

It's a fine balance with both adults needing the same amount of free time. I think its fine for a SAHP to do most of the chores, with school age children and working partner doing one small job each night (loading dish washer, mowing lawn etc). Weekends should be split evenly.

Iownathreeinchferrari · 20/07/2014 13:45

Think its disempoweing to wait hand on foot on someone. My mother did this to my family and it created problems in the long term. We've all had to learn to cook, clean, iron etc as adults.

sonlypuppyfat · 20/07/2014 13:54

I don't think it's disempowering it depends if they appreciate you and if you love them.

Mintyy · 20/07/2014 15:00

It is totally disempowering and ridiculous to act like a slave to your family. Also, housework and wife work is boring and its just horrible to expect one person in a partnership to do nearly all of it.

I say again: single people have to work and do housework. So why the hell not both halves of a couple?