To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

[EleanorHandbasket]

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

Have you actually read thread?majority replies saying yes its her role,are from housewives

I think both pparents should have the same amount of free time, so if the wohp works 45 hours a week the sahp should spend those 45 hours "working" if there are small children it's possible that childcare takes up much of tgat time, in that case I think the couple should split the housework 50/50 at the weekends and in the evenings.

If the children are at school I think the sahp should get all the housework done in the time the dc are at school, any extra work in the evenings, baths for the children, cleaning up after dinner, cooking should be slit 50/50 unless the sahp takes time out in the day to go to classes or meet friends in which case that time should be used to do evening/weekend tasks.

Aww bless you Scottish, you paint this easy like Sunday morning impression of sahm'dom, all relaxed, lazy faffing and not doing 'owt'. Sounds ever so much like a hint of envy stroke resentment stroke pissed offedness about the easy peasy lemon squeezy lot of the lowly sham.
I understand you better now.

Thank you dr crane,I do not envy lowly shams. I do like armchair psychiatry though

Sahp of one school age child is (generally) easy though, I don't know why the insistence otherwise.

Of course, everyone should clean their own shitty toilet though, that's only polite.

I am a sahm and do the bulk. Dh washes up after dinner and cuts the grass, that's it. I do everything else including putting the bins out. My only things I wish he would do is put the bins out and put his clothes in the laundry basket when he takes them off, oh and brush the toilet after he leaves evidence behind. I don't think that's too much to ask although he never manages to do it. I am also back at college myself now.

Yes, she should do the majority. I'm a sahm and the housework and day to day running of the house is my responsibility. Similar to and earlier poster I don't do anything once the kids are in bed that's my time to do what I want to do.
I have a cleaner once a week because we have a large house 3 kids, 2 dogs and 2 cats plus I'm 28 weeks pregnant. When dh is home he helps bath the kids and loads the dishwasher after I've cooked. He also tidies up after the kids and himself but he would never Hoover or mop a floor it just wouldn't occur to him to do it.

Im a sahm and Dh has always chipped in with the housework. Our dc are 5 and 1 and we have two pets so I appreciate him doing what he can. I try to get as much as I can done in the day but Ds was quite a demanding baby, so it's been impossible somedays! Thankfully, he is getting happier as he gets older so Im able to do more in the day. I certainly feel responsible for doing the majority at the moment but Dh has never made a big deal out of it or specified who does what. We just work as a team.

Some months I am a wohm mother, some months a sahm (teacher).

'Tis a piece of piss to keep a decent house within office hours while kids on hols. Laundry, bins, grocery shopping, arranging boilermen &c, vacuuming, tidying and bathrooms can easily be fitted into 5-6 hours with help of modern stuff like washing machine and nice miele vacuum cleaner.

Scrubbing off own klingons, clearing one's plate into bin and placing by sink, and putting dirty clothes in basket are good habits, not housework. All should do these. But stuff in above paragraph perfectly do-able in 9-6 Mon-Fri.

Must say, though, am a bit envious of yummy mummies round us who have wangled sahm status with complementary cleaners, gardeners, beauty salon visits etc. Cushty

I don't get the thing I see here sometimes (not always, but sometimes) where people are critical of SAHP who have a cleaner or send their linen to the laundry or what have you. I just think, 'good for you, I don't blame you'. Is it so wrong?

I must have modelled the wrong behaviour somewhere though. I mentioned in passing that my friend and her family have a housekeeper who cleans and does the bedlinen, the dishes and so on. My DD was horrified and called them lazy!

Only when I said that the parents had 3 DC, a huge house and both were in very responsible 24 hour on-call occupations did she concur that it might be okay after all in the circumstances!

It is a feminist issue precisely because patriarchal systems, that lets face it dominate pretty much every aspect of our lives, do not value 'anything' that has been traditionally associated with women.

Great big sexists, mysogonists and women that collude with these men are always quick to disregard a SAHP role. It's the presupposition that Objectively, it is a better use of a person's time to have a 'job' where there are e-mails, deadlines and other very 'important' pressures rather than be a lowly SAHP! It is just a male Patriarchal view of the world- laughable that some think there so against it!!

I am a full time working mum and I do all the housework (badly), most of the cooking (always from scratch) and sort out everything child-related. I pay all the bills and sort out house admin as well as our pitiful social life. I don't do gardening, car washing, ironing, half the food shop (DH goes Saturday, I go during the week). I have a daughter and two sons, I am determined my sons will know how to clean a toilet.

Its feminist issue if you give up career,job to allow make to further his.to enact patriarchy
That dual career wasn't pursued.Thats its predominately women giving things up,for men
Its not feminist to big up housewifery as equivalent to employment,its a false construct

Scottish, that's one of the most anti feminist statements I've read here. And I've read a lot of tosh. Feminism is about choice.
If you're against the idea of sahms, fine. You're entitled to an opinion, no matter how wrong and inflammatory it might be. But please don't claim you're being 'feminist' because you're simply not.

On the contrary,yiure not the arbitrar of what is/is not feminist
Enacting patriarchy by giving things up to further a male career isnt feminist
Pretending housewifery is same as employment.is a false construct,perhaps struggle to classify financial dependence on a male

It's the attitude that sucks.

As a SAHM I do a lot for my DH that I woukdn't do for anyone else because he does things for me that no-one else does. The minute he stops doing that is the minute I stop allowing myself to be treated as someone who is there to do what he thinks is not worthy of his time, or which he feels is beneath him.

As ever with relationships, it's a power thing. A DH who treats his DW like this needs to have the upper hand to feel ok within himself.

I'm a SAHM (and the one dreading summer hols) and I do everything every day. Cleaning, laundry, ironing, bills & budget, all gifts, cooking, shopping & deal with big projects such as building work. He cooks maybe one meal a fortnight & washes up 1-2 times a week.

And if I went back to work id easily earn £10-15k more than him again plus car, bonus etc.

Honestly? A lot of women work full or part time and still do everything. My reaction is if you're lucky enough to be a stay at home parent, stop whinging and get a grip. You're in a position millions would love to be in.

I am a SAHM. I tell my dd my generation is probably the last who will be able to afford to do this, and also she sees that my "job" ain't that exciting anyway so I don't think I'm setting a bad example.

Dh works very long hours and has a long commute. I feel it is perfectly fair that I do almost everthing. I do remember though that my mother, and my friends' mothers, did far less as SAHMs. No dealing with finances, or with the car, or workmen... or anything unladylike . Odd, really.

Well arguably that's their prerogative- if you have a DP and you're still doing the Lion's share of the housework you need to insist that you don't. I'm not sure why I have to be grateful for being a SAHP to one 7 year old and one 3 year old that doesn't go to nursery- we both decided to have children, we are equally responsible for their care - physically and financially. Both things need to be met. We are grateful to each other for our parts in meeting those needs!

How can you advocate lack of choice/ no choice for a 'grown' woman and regard yourself as a feminist?

I chose to be with my daughter as her primary carer. My DH supported me in my choice and we are lucky to be in a position financially to make that choice. If I decided to go to work he'd have supported that too.

I'd always thought I'd have a high powered career but having had a career woman as a mother myself, I didn't want that for my daughter. I was made redundant so it happened to fall that the situation made it easier for me to be home, rather than for my DH. As a child, at 7.30am I'd go to a childminder. 6.30pm my mum would come home and then we'd eat. My bed time was 7.30pm. There was no quality time during weekdays and I wasn't patented by her as she wasn't with me. She never read with me, never helped with homework, never took me to after school clubs. I hardly knew her until I was old enough to stay up later. My dad did most of the housework and cooking and I was very close to him, as my daughter is to me. My DH's job meant if I'd gone to work our DD wouldnt even have had the relationship with him that I had with my dad unless DH changed jobs.

In short, this was all about my DD, not about my DH. I find it very strange that there are women who think my decision to be a SAHM was because of my DH!

I'm a sahm.

I do what I can in the day, then when dh gets home from work he takes over with the dc and sit down. He then puts them to bed and I sit down even more.

On his days off he helps with the hoovering and mopping, he puts his clean clothes away and irons his work stuff.

He does have more free time than me, quite a bit more. But I prefer my own company, if I want to go out I can, I just prefer to sit and relax by myself.

In terms of the op, I think that's exactly right. Surely with dc of school age it'll only take an hour or two to whip round in the morning getting everything done? Why should her dh come home from work and do extra chores whilst she has been at home all day and had 6 hours spare? As long as they're 50/50 with the children I think it should work fine.

ScottishMummy- I didn't give my career up for my 'man', I halted it to provide a full time presence for our children. We didn't want full time or even part time child care for our children done by anyone other than us.