Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

261 replies

EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:04

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 18:35

Returning to washing need done,do it today or tomorrow,not like you have owt else pressing
You see being home,you set own pace.not like work deadlines,or external pressure
The tasks need done,housewife available to do them.of course she does it

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 18:35

My house takes nearly two hours to Hoover.
Fortunately I don't usually do it.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 18:40

Pepper your situation sounds tough for both of you. As for doing all the house-work, it's simple , do what you can in what would be a normal working day and stop. Sod the rest of it, you'll manage enough for the house not to be a health hazard, beyond that is an optional extra.

Evenings, both of you do stuff with children.

Pepperwitheverything · 19/07/2014 18:41

I must be doing something wrong, because it is the hardest job I have ever had....and I worked as a volunteer in Asia for years and worked with the homeless and had other tough jobs. I feel like cracking up sometimes it is ridiculous. Just endless work. I love my children more than life but it is HARD and lonely and in most people's eyes has no value.

scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 18:45

It's not a job.you're not on a deadline,not receiving calls/email querying your task

backbystealth · 19/07/2014 18:45

I work FT as in a stressful job. I 'bring in the money'. Dh is SAHD.

If I thought I shouldn't clean, clear up etc on the weekends or in the evening if there was still stuff to do (there isn't usually, DH is amazing at keeping house tidy), let alone not take my plate to the sink I would be a CUNT.

hoobypickypicky · 19/07/2014 18:45

I feel sorry for my own gender sometimes. I'm probably in one of the older age groups and I'd have liked to have felt that life has moved on, times have changed and that its perfectly possible for a WOHP to be willing and able to wash not only the children's clothes still found in the basket at 7pm but his own too.

Sometimes I think I must have wandered back into the 1950s.

Pepperwitheverything · 19/07/2014 18:46

Thanks Phaedra. Thanks Yes definitely my DH finds his work hard..he barely gets a break and he does try at home but the children just LOVE seeing him so he spends his time with them. I'm sorry for moaning....it just sometimes gets to me, the monotony and loneliness.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 18:46

Pepper, I'm sorry I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Three under three is relentless - very, very hard, especially with a DH out for a long day. You have my sympathies.

However, just as the world of work varies massively, so does being a stay at home parent...Couple of kids at school, masses of family support is a very different scenario, and yes, I would expect the SAHP to be able to at least put a wash on and make dinner.

Only1scoop · 19/07/2014 18:50

'Everything around the house' should never ever equate to clearing dishes someone lazily leaves around or the skid marks they leave behind Hmm

Huge lack of respect and manners

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 18:58

Pepper your situation isn't at all comparable to the one described by the OP. Three under school age and doing paid work at home is miles from at home with 1 school age - child and not working at all.

In your situation it has to be both of you mucking in together and prioritising things. In the other situation ironing husband's shirts is really no big deal. In yours it's going to be which ever one of can spare 30 seconds to do the bit that shows if he keeps his jacket on and maybe not even that.

Pepperwitheverything · 19/07/2014 18:59

It's ok John..I see exactly what you mean and I concur. Smile I am looking forward so much to the children being at school and I can go back to work. It's funny though because I know I will miss them like MAD and in the future I will look back on this time very fondly....I'll forget all the gruelling bits.

Joysmum · 19/07/2014 19:01

So if, when I come home at the same time in the evening as my DH having been out all day with the DC buying school uniform/at dentists appointments/name your own task and there's a pile of washing needing to be done only I should be responsible for doing it?

Everyday won't be like that as a SAHP. I know it, my DH knows it too. Of course if I've had a shit day 'at work' he'd understand in the same way that if he's had a shit day at work he'd need to work longer to get it all done or the same amount if time but have a more stressful day.

We are lucky I've been able to be a SAHP because I've always made it my mission to get everything done whilst DH was out of the house so that our time together when he got home was quality time. He got to relax and have a less stressful life and our relationship benefitted from time together.

Things have taken a bit of adjustment with me now studying full time. It's made us realise how much easier things were for us both before. Mind you, the extra money and other benefits of working will be nice! I suspect we might have a little reshuffle where he works less, I get a wage and therefore we both get the same amount of quality time together again.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 19:01

It will be great when they are at school! Thanks

There will be people who say: "don't wish this time away"

Ignore them ;)

Pepperwitheverything · 19/07/2014 19:02

That's true Phaedra....I have actually given up on ironing as I couldn't find the time nor the energy really. I hang them up as best I can so they don't wrinkle. Luckily DH doesn't mind. He says he looks in front of him not down so he can't see the wrinkles!! Thanks so much for making me feel better! Smile

Pepperwitheverything · 19/07/2014 19:03

Thanks John....I WILL!Grin

Theselittlelightsofmine · 19/07/2014 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 19:12

Surely if your kids are at school- then it's like your working hours are 7-9 then 3-9 during the week?

Little Kids at home is v different of course, that's why the generalisations are unhelpful.

Weekends are nobodies time off (at least I think so)

redskybynight · 19/07/2014 19:17

Theseslightsofmine This thread is about housework - I'd say that DH should pitch in with bathing and ferrying children in the evening, unless he started at 4am or something.

You have your "time off" during the time the DC are at school surely?
and if you get the bulk of housework done during the week, there is really only cooking and miscellaneous tidying at the weekend - and as I said upthread EVERYONE should pitch in and share these.

Annarose2014 · 19/07/2014 19:17

If he only rarely wears shirts, why is she forcing herself to iron them when she has the flu??

Picklepest · 19/07/2014 20:02

Just a note but I worked out the other day I do two shirts every 14mins. 5 shirts is 1.5hrs. Hoover house 1hr as a quick or more if move furniture.

What I don't get is if it's acceptable to pay for a person to do a job (any household item inc kids care/nursery/school) and they deserve rights and care of duty then why do people think it's ok to treat a sahp as less?

Picklepest · 19/07/2014 20:04

Red sky but that person isn't as she's apparently cleaning...

seasidesally · 19/07/2014 20:05

7 mins to iron a shirt Shock

seasidesally · 19/07/2014 20:10

how is 5 shirts 1.5 hrs ?

am i reading right

FunLovinBunster · 19/07/2014 20:15

Another thread turned into SAHM bashing.
I am SAHM.
Apparently I am a kept woman anti feminist and my DD will grow up lacking ambition as I'm such a poor role model.
Oh and why did I bother with private school, Russell Group Uni and an Hons degree in Law?? What a waste of space I am.
To which I say..
Mummy Daddy and Key Worker. At least I think that's what they say in religious texts/medical textbooks/ sex education material/parenting manuals...