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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

261 replies

EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:04

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 19/07/2014 15:47

As a SAHM, whether the children are at school or not, I would expect to do the cleaning, household admin and carry out the chores related to the DC during the working day and although I'd cook for him if I was cooking for myself anyway I absolutely would not iron my DH's shirts, do his washing, clean the bath after him or come scuttling home to cook his dinner.

Why would I? Would he come home from the office and clean the bath after me or do my washing because I, a fully functioning and able grown up couldn't be arsed to do it myself?

I'd consider my job as a SAHM to be one which was of roughly equal hours and weight as my DH, one which meant I was there to do things for the children not for a perfectly capable adult man. I'm not his mother and he's not a child!

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 19/07/2014 15:47

Oh, the threads moved on Blush

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 19/07/2014 15:49

Hooby, that's exactly how it works here too.

ElephantsNeverForgive · 19/07/2014 16:00

I'm a SAHM and I certainly don't do everything.

DH hoovers (he bought the stupid heavy Dyson) and shops sometimes as he passes the shop on tbe way home.

He or DD1 do odd bits of cooking and nowdays he gets the DDs off for school as they leave the same time.

I hate mornings, I shout, they have a system.

In one sense, SAHMs of school age DCs, job is everything, but if you do everything you get taken advantage of.

I have a running war with DD2(13) about tidying up public parts of the house.

There is a difference, IMO, between general house work and laundry and sodding well putting crisp packets in the bin, tripping over shoes, picking up coats, hair clips, books etc etc.

I'm your Mother not your fucking slave.

If you expect food on tbe table and taxiing all over, treat me and your possessions with a bit of respect.

Especially when you are spectacularly fussy about what the food is!

RufusTheReindeer · 19/07/2014 16:08

I'm consider myself to be a SAHM (work 4 hours a week, 3 children 15, 12 and 11 so I don't do much out of the home Grin)

DH works full time, he does the bulk of the DIY, gardening and household admin, cleans the bathroom and toilet. We share cooking and we share most housework over the weekend. He loads and unloads the dishwasher, packed lunches etc

I do the bulk of the housework and the ironing. I would be very unhappy if I had to pick up around my husband or my children although I obviously wouldn't have a problem doing the bulk of the work on a 9 to 5 basis

As long as the couple are happy with the arrangements I don't see why it matters, obviously if you're not happy then you need to sort it

Jinsei · 19/07/2014 16:09

I don't subscribe to the view that a sahp should be a skivvy at all, but I do struggle to understand the notion that a sahp is only at home to do things for the children. Confused

Surely the wohp's responsibility in this set up is to provide for the whole family and he/she would be roundly criticised for suggesting that his/her earnings were only for the benefit of the children. Does it not therefore make sense that the sahp should also work for the whole family?

I don't mean by that to suggest that the WOHP should never have to lift a finger. Merely that I don't understand the emphasis that people put on doing stuff for the kids, rather than for the family as a whole. I realise that the two aren't mutually exclusive, of course.

Surely the bottom line is that, however tasks are shared, each partner should be entitled to equal leisure time?

Anniegetyourgun · 19/07/2014 16:12

This is weird stuff. The DH is out to work all day - some posters are mentioning hard physical jobs but some office jobs, even highly paid ones, aren't all that stressful - and then he comes home and shouldn't have to lift a finger. That's nice. Meanwhile some of us don't have a SAHP so we go out to work all day and then come home and have to do the chores because there's no-one else to do them. Not dead yet on that level of demand. It may not be unreasonable to expect the SAHP to pick up the majority of the daytime chores, and indeed the OP says her SIL does do that, but expecting the WOHP to do a bit when they get in is hardly unreasonable either, under most circumstances.

I've also grumbled about this one before, I'm sure, but: the number of remarks on the lines that housework doesn't take long. Well it depends, doesn't it? My mother, for example, was a SAHM in a large old-fashioned house, five bedrooms, two bathrooms, three toilets, with lots of nooks and crannies; it was not at all easy to keep clean. You may be able to run a vacuum round a two-bed flat in five minutes, but it took her nearly that long to lug the (large, also old-fashioned and not very efficient) vacuum from one end of the house to another. Some of the rooms took over five minutes ffs, by the time she'd shifted the furniture round and picked up all the stray tissues etc that some thoughtless offspring had dropped behind it.

She didn't drive, and we lived about half an hour away from the school, so there's two hours of her "free" time every day just used up taking the DC to and fro. There were no nearby supermarkets so she would go to town on the bus to shop, some forty minutes each way as we weren't that close to a bus stop, and lug a wheely basket and a selection of bags home on the bus again, sometimes including a pram and/or wrangling a todddler. She wasn't half grateful when I learned to drive!

We had a huge garden and only my dad was capable of starting his horrible old petrol mower (actually even he used to struggle with it), so my mother would mow one lawn at a time with a small hand mower - we had three lawns in the front that are larger than my whole garden nowadays, and a much bigger one in the back, and more flower-beds than you can count; it wasn't Kew Gardens but it was a very awkward layout.

Fortunately, although old-fashioned in a lot of ways, demanding, and temperamental to an extent that would be considered abusive nowadays, my dad was a meticulously tidy person, did not leave a mess after himself, ironed his own shirts, mucked in at the weekend, and insisted that we did not make life harder for our mother than necessary. She was still pretty frazzled at the end of her "pampered, non-working" day.

So, as I say... it depends.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 16:21

I don't agree it depends. You are describing a situation with no labour saving devices. SAHs seem to want it both ways. If being at home and running a home is a full time job as we're so often told, then get on and do it in the same sort of working hours as your partner. That's your job but they then expect the other person to pick up the reins in the evening.

Toomanyhouseguests · 19/07/2014 16:38

I am a SAHM. We have a cleaner come once a week for four hours. We do the garden at the weekend together.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2014 16:46

What a load of old bollocks.

I pay a housekeeper and a cleaner to do all the stuff I can't be arsed to and I still wouldn't expect either of them to clean up anybody else's shitty skid marks.

Any adult that is capable to doing that themselves yet expects someone else to clean up their shit is sending a very loud message about themselves and how little respect or value they have for the person tasked with it.

Fine if they agree the house is her job but take personal responsibility for mess you make after its been done clean up your own shit and don't sabotage someone else's hard work.

He's acting like a cunt not a decent person in a equally valued partnership

hoobypickypicky · 19/07/2014 16:58

"Surely the wohp's responsibility in this set up is to provide for the whole family and he/she would be roundly criticised for suggesting that his/her earnings were only for the benefit of the children. Does it not therefore make sense that the sahp should also work for the whole family?"

That's right. So that means that through putting a roof over her head and food on her own table the WOHP is providing by "paying" the SAHP, for want of a better term, for his children to have a clean home, clean clothes, shopping done, shoes mended, socks purchased, food prepared etc etc. That isworking for the whole family. It's providing a service which allows the DH to work and which would otherwise cost him a fortune.

If it wasn't for the SAHP doing those things for the children he'd be paying a lot more to a housekeeper and a nanny.

If he wants a personal housekeeper/ironing service/cleaner to do his own cleaning, cooking and washing when he's fully capable of doing it himself he can pay for one of those separately.

sebsmummy1 · 19/07/2014 16:58

I'm a SAHM to a toddler and I do everything around the house including gardening. I honestly don't mind, I consider myself lucky to be able to raise my son. My partner will do the hoovering if I ask and looks after my son a lot more at the weekend including cooking him breakfast and often lunch while I go out.

When we were both working ft we shared the housework equally and he was fine with it although always reluctant lol.

hoobypickypicky · 19/07/2014 17:03

"If being at home and running a home is a full time job as we're so often told, then get on and do it in the same sort of working hours as your partner"

So if, when I come home at the same time in the evening as my DH having been out all day with the DC buying school uniform/at dentists appointments/name your own task and there's a pile of washing needing to be done only I should be responsible for doing it?

I should do it while my DH sits on his arse and asks where I put his clean shirts you mean?

I don't think so!

redskybynight · 19/07/2014 17:16

SAHP to school age children (either gender) should do the core housework, washing, weekday meals, shopping, housework, admin.

Weekends I would expect there to be only miscellaneous tidying to do along with cooking meals - which should be shared but not onerous.

Everyone in the house (including DC) should tidy up after themselves which includes things like taking dirty plates through the kitchen, putting dirty washing in basket, cleaning up after themselves.

With school age children the WOHP should not find the tasks particularly time consuming.

Mintyy · 19/07/2014 17:22

There endeth the lesson by redskyatnight.

I fail to see why men become incapable of doing anything except their hours at work when they have a wife or partner at home.

If they were single they would be having to organise themselves for holidays, family occasions, Christmas, getting repairs done on the house, getting their dry cleaning done, shopping, cooking and washing for themselves.

I guess I'm just not of the mindset that accepts I need to take this on for a grown human who is perfectly capable of working and doing household chores too.

I am consistently deeply shocked and disappointed in the incredibly old-fashioned views expressed on Mumsnet on this particular subject.

BranchingOut · 19/07/2014 17:27

There is the division of shared housework of a household and then there is being a lazy slob.

I think he sounds like the latter. Would it be acceptable in a house-share to leave your plates or dirty clothes around or leave the loo dirty? No.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 17:29

It does depend- how could it not?

Sahp with babies and/or disabled child and a dp who has a cushy job round the corner- course dp should contribute in the week.

Sahp with kids all at school and a dp who is out the house from 6-8, - you'd expect the Sahp to cover most things...

crazykat · 19/07/2014 17:36

I'm a SAHM and I do most of the housework. I have two dcs in school full time, one at nursery and a toddler at home, I'm also a student with the OU.

I get as much done as I can during the day and DH pitches in when he gets home, usually take the DCs upstairs and sorts baths etc and ten helps make pack ups while I'm making our dinner. If he's at home. Quite often he's away so its all down to me during the week. I generally get most things done so over the weekend there's only washing/ironing and daily things like cooking and washing up which I usually do anyway.

I think if you're a SAHM you should do the lions share of the housework especially if all DCs are at school unless there's a physical reason or newborn that needs caring for.

At weekends housework and childcare should be shared.

sonlypuppyfat · 19/07/2014 17:39

I would love to know why it's old fashioned.

ElizabethMedora · 19/07/2014 17:44

But mintyy you could equally say a grown up single woman would have to earn her own living Hmm

highlandflingabout · 19/07/2014 18:19

I am most intrigued by housework that would take more than 2-3 hours a day. I'm a single parent to 2 kids and work full time as a teacher, I have it down to about 45 minutes a day. If I had the money I would pay for someone else to do it, its crap and tedious. I do not know how it fills an entire day, but would like to give it a whirl (for a few months anyway!)

All housework can be fitted in during school hours by the wahp ,however no-one should be a slave to anyone else, since my kids could walk they have brought their plates to the sink, made their own beds. Now older they do a lot more, they expect too they live there. Its about respect and kindness, we love each other so we help each other. If my kids can manage it , I would demand an adult would do it.

PhaedraIsMyName · 19/07/2014 18:22

So if, when I come home at the same time in the evening as my DH having been out all day with the DC buying school uniform/at dentists appointments/name your own task and there's a pile of washing needing to be done only I should be responsible for doing it?

You do this every day? These are part of the job description, some of it might have to wait to the next day. And really how big a deal is it to put the washing machine on during the course of your working day?

SoonToBeSix · 19/07/2014 18:26

Yes yabu pre schoolers/ baby is one thing but if dc are school age then yes the sahm should do everything around the house.

Pepperwitheverything · 19/07/2014 18:32

It is really hard though to be a SAHM, which is something I think a lot of people don't appreciate. I have three children aged three and under, and my husband works 12 hour days. When he is off, he catches up on sleep, or does stuff with the children. I do ALL the housework, and 95% of childcare. It is HARD. Plus my husband doesn't earn that much, so I also transcribe at home and pay for a lot of the bills. He definitely pays more though. It is so hard, so demanding, with no thanks at all. It is crushing for your self esteem as you get no thanks, no credit and you feel bottom of the heap. I was once a manager...I got made redundant shortly after I became pregnant and so the decision was made. It is very, very tough. I remember one year I worked sixty to seventy hour weeks.....that was a piece of cake compared to this.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/07/2014 18:35

It can be hard, it can be piss easy. It really depends in each family's individual circumstances.