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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

261 replies

EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:04

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 15:06

I think she's batshit, more often than not (it's my SIL, some of you may be going a-ha! at that).

But I do think her dh should pitch in more.

She's really not lazy, she has anxiety issues though and makes everything into a huge job, she mows her lawn every day in the summer for eg.

OP posts:
Azquilith · 19/07/2014 15:06

Why on earth does a SAHM who's kids are at school need a cleaner?

museumum · 19/07/2014 15:07

I would expect a sahp of school age children to do all "the housework" during the school day. But I wouldn't consider making or clearing up after dinner to be "housework". Making and clearing up after dinner are family activities that everyone old enough should pitch in with together.
And the sahp is also entitled to "sick leave" any time they are ill enough that if woh they would call in sick. The rest of the family need to cover that "sick leave".

scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 15:08

She's on a good number and doesn't take steps to change it.only you that's vexed

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 15:09

Why does one have to 'need' a cleaner.

Why is it not just a choice?

MrsWinnibago · 19/07/2014 15:12

I'm having bother with my DH at the moment. I work part time from home and do ALL housework and childcare stuff. He works about 45 hours a week in a physical job and he does fuck all in the house.

I'm getting sick of it.

I am due a serious conversation with him. I have been pointing out that I am tired of it...he's not taking it seriously and thinks that as I am here, I should do all.

It's not on imo and he should take on some stuff. Even washing up in the evening would help.

PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 15:12

The shitty loo is very telling isn't it

Sad
PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 15:12

The shitty loo is very telling isn't it

Sad
PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 15:13

The shitty loo is very telling isn't it

Sad
PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 15:13

Fu k you phone.

PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 15:13

Fu k you phone.

PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 15:14

throws phone out the window

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 15:14

Grin at pedlars

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2014 15:14

Shock never is your DN old enough to be at school already!

My MIL and I are no longer on speaking terms, one of the main reasons is she told me she is appalled I 'make' DH do some chores. Hmm.

Mintyy · 19/07/2014 15:21

I was a sahm to school age children who loathes and despises housework, so we had a cleaner and dh ironed his own shirts, shared the food shopping pretty much equally, and cooked at least a couple of times a week, plus load, unload dishwasher etc. That still left me with all of the laundry, most of the cooking, a lot of the shopping and a lot of general clearing up and all of the other wife work to do.

He wasn't keeping me or paying for a roof over my head. I always maintained that he should be fucking grateful to me for being willing not to woh and looking after the children, and enabling him to go about his extremely varied and unpredictable job, with a ton of travelling abroad, without ever having to find childcare.

And he is.

scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 15:27

So who did pay the accommodation,bills,utilities then?you?

Mintyy · 19/07/2014 15:28

He did, but I could have had I worked, so there was no need whatsoever for me to feel grateful to him. Come on sm, you're not stupid.

Yama · 19/07/2014 15:29

I work full time. I'm guessing many of us on this thread work full time. Doesn't give me the right to have a skivvy at home.

I remember dh taking 3 weeks off work when I went back to work after my second mat leave. Easiest three weeks of my life. And i came home and made the dinner.

What's my point? I think only a dick wouldn't help the person they loved if they were struggling.

scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 15:34

So he paid bills,accommodation,etc you didn't work but you were doing him a favour
Undoubtedly your arrangements worked,he able to work unencumbered
You didn't work,and had no responsibility to maintain finances,hardly burdensome

wfrances · 19/07/2014 15:39

im a sahm
i dont do everything and dont think i should
dh has his chores and so do the kids.

IShallCallYouSquishy · 19/07/2014 15:40

I think a SAHP with school age children should be responsible to the day to day household chores. I'd be pretty pissed off if I had been at work all day while DH sat doing nothing and was expected to cook and clean.

Weekends should be split fairly with both doing fair share.

Blimey, I'm at home with a 2.2 yo and a 5month old and still do everything! I might not always have dinner made but DH will do that while I'm feeding DS to sleep at bedtime.

Weekends we do the bare minimum of housework so we can enjoy being a family.

atos35 · 19/07/2014 15:42

If I was at work full time and my dp was at home with the kids (who were at school 9-3, different if you have toddlers) then I guess I would expect him to do the lions share of the housework/household chores. However I would be genuinely grateful that him being at home was allowing me to work full time while our kids always had one parent around. So if we were fortunate enough to be in this position I would be respectful and still do a fair share - cook meals, load dishwasher, do my own washing etc. I'd like to think I'd never expect someone else to do all these things for me, I just haven't been brought up that way. As it is I work part time, he works FT, we have a cleaner, I probably do majority of tidying up etc but to be fair that's because I spend more time in the house and I like to be on top of things. He does not EXPECT me to do all these things and never would. He does not EXPECT me to keep a spotless house etc and would be happy to come home to chaos every night as long as kids were happy and well cared for. YANBU.

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 15:42

"What's my point? I think only a dick wouldn't help the person they loved if they were struggling."

Exactly.
And we all struggle for different reasons at different times.

When we first married my salary was by far the largest and I paid for our first house. But small mindedly divvying up who should has what responsibilities is really weird in a relationship.

FriendlyAmoeba · 19/07/2014 15:43

I stay home for now, and I don't mind meeting DH half way. I take care of the house, but he cooks, works, and runs errands.

I don't mind doing dishes for him so he has an easier time cooking, just like he doesn't mind cooking for me. But, I do expect him to meet me halfway and take his dishes to the sink, clean up his trash, etc...

He doesn't get to make a mess for me to clean up. Dishes go in the sink, laundry goes in the baskets.

TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 19/07/2014 15:45

I've got a cleaner and, until recently, a weekly gardening service. My teenage dc's do it now to earn money. And in 15 years of marriage, I've never once ironed DH's shirts. He's just as capable as me and, anyway, that's what dry cleaners are for.

And you know what? It's nobody else's business. If DH doesn't mind and I don't mind, what's there to judge?