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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if a sahm should do everything?

261 replies

EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:04

Interesting (!) conversation last night where I was talking to friends of ours who all also know another couple we know and were asking after them.

I said that the wife of the pair was struggling somewhat as her husband is a lazy fucker does literally nothing around the house. He doesn't wash up after dinner or iron his own shirts or clean the loo or anything. He does do DIY stuff though, just not any cleaning.

Anyway, general consensus among the group, other than me, was that as she doesn't work at all and her child is school age, her job is to do all the housework and her dh shouldn't have to lift a finger. Even dh piped up in agreement. I was pretty horrified tbh.

All of us in this group are ft working parents who split chores evenly. I have to admit I was pretty shocked that they all agreed that a sahm of a school aged child has to clean up after her husband has had a shit, but there you go.

For balance, they did all say that if the genders were switched the se would apply, so not necessarily a sexist attitude.

Aibu?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 14:42

Gob smacked about what?accommodation,food,bills paid,kids at school.thats a doss
In that scenario,of course housewife is responsible for domestic tasks
No way does it require 9-5 daily to keep on top chores,so there down time,free time

Regards the dp leaving poo on the loo.thats boorish and bad mannered
Not carry plate to sink,lazy

seasidesally · 19/07/2014 14:43

TheFairyCaravan so agree

im a single mum of three school aged dc's and i do it all,gardening some diy etc and still have loads of time for housework

every week i meet a friend for coffee,help a little at school (not weekly)and manage to do things out of the home,heck i even manage an afternoon snooze sometimes Grin

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2014 14:43

Why doesn't she iron the shirts after she washes them?

You never mentioned the dinner plate. That is lazy and it would annoy the hell out of me. My kids clear away their things after they've eaten, its disrespectful not to.

The toilet thing is minging and lazy too. Everyone in my house knows how to use a toilet brush and they do.

It sounds like there's more to it than just housework tbh.

Jinsei · 19/07/2014 14:45

If the children are at school, there is plenty of time for a sahp to do the housework - I think it would be pretty unreasonable to expect the WOHP to do a second shift at home in this scenario.

SAHM to school age kids is a pretty easy ride in any case, unless there are special caring responsibilities due to disability etc. And unless you live in a mansion, housework is hardly a full time job!

LOLeater · 19/07/2014 14:47

Being a SAHM can be a really positive time but sometimes it's soul destroying. In effect you are never away from your place of work; you never get praised or promoted; it can become the same monotonous routine day after day after day.
I always considered myself as looking after our DCs rather than looking after the house. If the DCs wanted playdoh we did playdoh even if the ironing wasn't done. DH understood that. The point OP seems to be making is that her DP/DH is actively making her life more difficult rather than being considerate. Says more about him as a person that his DW is simply a maid at weekends.
And it is definitely a feminist issue.

LOLeater · 19/07/2014 14:48

Sorry, OP's friend.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:49

I obviously phrased my op badly.

I agree (as does she) that she should be responsible for the running of the house.

The issue is that her husband doesn't believe he should do anything. So if he uses a plate or makes a mess he just leaves it. And he won't step in to do anything, so when he needed a shirt ironed, despite her being in bed with a horrible cold she had to do it.

Our friends thought that was right and fair because it's her job as a sahm. I disagree.

OP posts:
annielouise · 19/07/2014 14:49

I think she should be doing most of it too. A kid at school so no child care to do during the day, any housework could be kept on top of with an hour or two max. Even if she devoted 4 hours a day to it she's got loads more time "off" than he has. But the way it is some of the household work stuff falls in the evening.

Saying that he should be respectful and not make her life hard - i.e. clean up after himself in not leaving the toilet/bathroom in a mess, put laundry in laundry basket, plates in dishwasher. His shirts I'd get an ironing service as I hate ironing. I'd expect him to clean up his own poo if he left the toilet bowl dirty but general cleaning of the loo, no.

She's not working 24/7. She's chosen to be a SAHM. It might not have been a clear choice - it might have been more economical when the child was small for her not to work and them to pay nursery fees but she could go out and work now and then tell him we get a cleaner or you much in a bit more but right now why should he work 8-10 hours a day with a commute and come home and do more stuff when she's done less than that? If I was working outside the house and partner was a SAHD I wouldn't be cleaning the toilet at the weekend or the evening - apart from making sure I didn't leave any marks on it myself. She's chosen, to an extent as it might not have been completely in her hands, to have this model at home.

annielouise · 19/07/2014 14:50

And that is not misogynistic. If the roles were reversed i'd say the same thing.

scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 14:50

It's not a job,you're at home,own environment,no demand for deadline etc
It's a feminist issue,damn right.if you become housewife and enact patriarchy
Giving up financial earning,being dependent means yes you do domestic tasks in return for accommodation food,bills paid

Jinsei · 19/07/2014 14:50

OK, so her DH is an arse and doesn't have any respect for his wife. That's shit. Is he trying to make a point that it's time for her to go back to work or something?

noblegiraffe · 19/07/2014 14:52

I would expect a child to take their plate into the kitchen after dinner, let alone an adult. That's nothing to do with housework, that's to do with not being a lazy bastard.

Housework is cleaning, cooking, washing up etc. It doesn't include picking up stuff other people have dropped that they should put in the bin/laundry basket. It doesn't include cleaning poo off the toilet, but it does include normal cleaning of the toilet.

Does her DH expect her to wipe his arse too? Because he is behaving like a toddler, incapable of doing anything for himself, rather than a functioning adult.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:52

Nope, as I said above he doesn't want her to work.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 19/07/2014 14:52

It's not a job,but kids at school she's doing faff all else.so yes it's her responsibility
If she doesn't like it get a job?bit you said she declined a pt post?

Jinsei · 19/07/2014 14:54

He sounds like an idiot then. If I were her, I'd go out and get a job and then ltb.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:55

Yes, I had a pretty much guaranteed role for her lined up and she wouldn't apply because after talking to her dh he told her he needed her at home.

OP posts:
seasidesally · 19/07/2014 14:55

he sounds an arse op,yes he is capable of taking out a plate etc,i think she needs to look at their relationship,but if she is just gonna moan about him and carry on then its a non subject

when i became a single parent and everything was on my shoulders i actually found it easier in some ways,harder in others,cant really see why she stays with him but many do im afraid and then moan about them and do nothing

TheFairyCaravan · 19/07/2014 14:56

Her DH sounds like a pig. If he had been ill would he have gone to work?

If I am ill, or in too much pain to cook, iron or do the housework, DH or the kids do it.

Original poster
EleanorHandbasket · 19/07/2014 14:56

Although that might have been an excuse on her part. I don't know.

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 19/07/2014 14:57

I think is it just the housework though?
Is she getting up with the DCs, getting them to school, doing all the cleaning/washing tidying up after a lazy bastard as well as doing the school plays/open days etc then picking them up from school/supervising homework, taking them to activities (and organising everything around them) and then getting them bathed and to bed...everyday -and entertaining them at weekends 7 days a week...
You see that is where it would be unfair...
I am a SAHP - (have a v. part time work from home job)....I do all the above and the gardening, finances, DIY etc.
I think my 'job' is to look after the DCs - but not necessarily DP ...
If I was single, no DCs I would have to do the housework/cleaning/washing/cooking for myself and work ....no reason why a WOHP can't do something around the house...things for themselves...
Especially cos if I didn't do what I do for the DCs - DP couldn't work the job he does...and pop to the gym/visit his friends etc after work
I think a good test is this ...DP works early shift - starts at 4am and finishes at around 1-2pm.

I was looking for a job - I said I could work 9.30 - 5.30pm - drop the Dcs at school and he could pick them up at 3pm.
He said what everyday? Pick them up straight after work Hmm - he wouldn't be able to do anything...
They could go to after school club and I could pick them up on the way home at 6pm...

Pagwatch · 19/07/2014 14:57

My friend had a DH like that. Boorish wanker. Treated her like a skivvy.

I'm glad, really glad that my life ain't a turf war. I'd hate to be stuck in a relationship where who does what was a pissing contest. We have both always known how hard the other works. We both always try to make it easier for the other.
All these tales of 'that's not my job' . Urgh.

Only1scoop · 19/07/2014 14:58

That's just lack of manners and respect. Yes she doesn't go to work so cleaning house etc fair enough.

To clean a plate away for a lazy ass who leaves it lying around ....no chance. I wouldn't live with someone who expected me to either.

Please don't tell me she picks up his pants and towels also....

Jinsei · 19/07/2014 14:58

Yes, I had a pretty much guaranteed role for her lined up and she wouldn't apply because after talking to her dh he told her he needed her at home.

But you said earlier that she didn't work because she couldn't maintain her high standards for the housework. Are they her standards or his?

annielouise · 19/07/2014 14:58

Yes he should take his plate to the kitchen. I don't think if he works full time and she's doing a couple of hours housework at home a day that he should be the one doing the washing up after being out the house working for 8-10 hours. I think she's taking the piss in that case.

No he should not be leaving skidmarks in the loo as that's just a complete lack of respect. However, cleaning the loo weekly as part of housework is her job in this situation.

Basically he doesn't respect her. i think it's gone beyond her role being in the home and his being out the home. He does sound a bit of a pig. However, she sounds a bit lazy.

She's right about being treated with respect but she wants to be looked after completely financially without any of the worries but is moaning that he won't do any housework. How many hours does she want off a day? Loads of us have said the housework isn't going to take 8 hours of her day up so she has lots of spare time and he has less. She sounds a bit odd to be honest. If she's feeling downtrodden why doesn't she go out and get a job, they get a cleaner and ironer to do the house stuff and negotiate the rest? You cannot completely be on her side in this, or his.

annielouise · 19/07/2014 15:05

Also if it's just one shirt once in a blue moon couldn't she just iron it in all the hours she's not doing much a day? He's wrong to expect it but she's wrong to not do it. They're both to blame here. Neither is acting as a team. She might well be under his thumb but she's partly to blame for putting herself there. Sounds like the relationship has totally disintegrated. She needs to get out to be honest but she also needs to realise she'll have to get herself a job in that case.