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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my cousins girlfriend is being a bit grabby

160 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 18/07/2014 17:15

My aunt is pretty wealthy and has offered to by my cousin a house (worth approx 250k) for his 30th birthday, provided he pays the stamp duty etc himself.

Cousin has been with his long term girlfriend for about 6 years but they aren't married and don't have children(unsure whether it's on the cards) and my aunt is buying the house for my cousin (in cash, no mortgage) on the condition that is is in his name only . Cousin and girlfriend currently live together and split rent and bills and the plan is for them both to move into the new house and just split bills (as there will be no rent/mortgage). Cousins gf has thrown a bit of a paddy that she's "not allowed" to be on the deeds of the house, now I can see that she wants some security but AIBU to think it's a bit grabby to want half of it? She's argued that technically cousin hasn't "contributed" either and that as his long term partner she should share in his windfall - she thinks my aunt IBVU. (My aunt does understand that if they marry then the girlfriend will be entitled to half and she's fine with this, just doesn't want to hand over half to a "partner").

On the other hand I can sort of see girlfriend's side so I suggested to my cousin that they both save up and jointly buy a buy to let which will give her some security, since they are now both benefitting from being rent free!

OP posts:
quietbatperson · 20/07/2014 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mustbetimeforacreamtea · 20/07/2014 19:50

I feel for the gf. The aunt clearly disapproves of the relationship. It is fine to say that she can save the rent money for her own place but how realistic is that. What if the cousin wants to make the most of being rent/mortgage free by having better holidays, going out more etc. Gf could easily find that the choice becomes saving or keeping up with the cousin's lifestyle.

I suspect that the aunt would feel she has more of a say in what happens to the property than the gf. I think it puts all sorts of unwanted pressures on the relationship

CrispEater · 21/07/2014 15:13

I’m surprised that some people here are assuming the aunt disapproves of the GF or somehow wants to split up the relationship between her son and his GF.
If I disapproved of a DC’s partner, the last thing I would do would be to give DC a house or a lot of money, on the basis that this could
a) make my DC more attractive to that partner
and/or
b) nudge them into marrying or starting a family which would obviously make things pretty permanent and might not have happened otherwise.

The aunt obviously knows that in the long term, if the son and his GF stay together, the GF will also benefit from her gift and presumably she has no problem with this. I imagine she only wants to make sure (as far as possible) that the assets remain in the family.

The other point that interests me (perhaps a subject for another thread?) is that some posters have said the aunt should be treating the GF as her son’s “forever” partner because they have been together for 6 years. Why is that? How many years does it take before family are supposed to treat an informal relationship as if it was a marriage?

Just one last thought: if I wanted to marry my partner and they wouldn’t marry me, there would have to be a very good reason, or I would be off!

OnlyLovers · 21/07/2014 18:37

'an informal relationship'. Shock

How fucking rude. How many years does it take before people accept that, just because a couple aren't married, their relationship could very well be that of 'forever partners'?

Six years is a lot longer than some marriages last. How bloody dare you refer to non-married couples as in an 'informal relationship'?

CrispEater · 21/07/2014 21:26

My apologies, OnlyLovers. I did not intend to be rude or offend anyone and of course I accept that people who are not married can be "forever partners" and that they don't need to be together for any given length of time for that to be the case.
I am sorry if you think I used "informal" in the sense of casual or not meaningful - that is not what I meant at all. All I meant was "not formal" in the sense that there isn't an official public commitment. Perhaps I should stop digging...

OnlyLovers · 22/07/2014 09:28

Ah, I see; yes, I did misunderstand your use of the word. Thanks

CrispEater · 22/07/2014 09:52

Thanks for that - you've made my day. It was only when I read your post that I realised "informal" could be misunderstood and I really felt bad about upsetting people.

mumtosome61 · 22/07/2014 09:58

I actually feel a bit sorry for the girlfriend. She may have refused the marriage proposal for a myriad of reasons; they weren't ready, settled, financially able and wanted to wait a bit longer or maybe, just maybe, she didn't feel marriage was something she wanted to do - not because she devalues the relationship, but because marriage isn't her thing (although you'd assume they would have had that discussion). Maybe they were going through a rough patch, and felt now wasn't the time? Maybe the boyfriend was proposing as a "get out of the doghouse" card - there are just too many what if situations.

6 years together is a good while. I appreciate the aunt may fear that giving the girlfriend equality in the house may allow her at a further date the opportunity to benefit - would the aunt feel differently if they were married? If so, why? Marriages break down all the time, and people lay claim to all sorts; them being married doesn't prevent it from happening. I would feel snubbed, unless there is a back story of the girlfriend behaving in a certain way, if my boyfriend's mother offered to buy a house and prevent me from having any kind of ownership on that properly and simultaneously expect me to live there without batting an eyelid over my security, I'd assume she didn't rate me much as a life partner for her son. I appreciate it is a gift to her son, but surely any kind of bill paying or alterations would be from a joint venture/both parties, rather than just one? I certainly would not be able to see a place as "home" if I felt that at any one time, the relationship could end and I would be asked to leave - the house is his, so that would be the case; it's unnerving and would probably be detrimental to anyone in that situation, more so because the aunt has asked for it to be that way.

My Mum was in a long term, stable looking relationship with someone after her divorce from my Dad - he bought a house in the village she had lived in after selling his own and that was that. She had no claim on the property, but was grateful to have somewhere to live. My Mum, although not on the mortgage, paid for several alterations to the house, as well as bills and upkeep. Her (now ex) partner, upon a windfall from a relative dying, decided to ditch my Mum in the most inhumane way and left her both destitute, homeless and at the mercy of friends/family to ensure she got through. He did it to prevent her from getting his assets, and had she legally been on the property which has now sold for twice the value it was bought, she would have had at least some money to either put towards a retirement plan or purchase a house, rather than living at the age of 53 in a council rented, tiny one bed flat with no garden. My Mum was foolish and admits it, but just living in a property with someone who claims to love you does not always guarantee you security, sadly.

That said, there are some shitty people out there who will exploit whatever they can. So I do see the aunt's POV, completely.

mumtosome61 · 22/07/2014 10:00

Edit - my Mum was engaged to this guy, and he had repeatedly suggested that "when they are married" the house would be "joint"

trevortrevorslattery · 22/07/2014 12:04

If it were a healthy relationship, and he really loved her, it would not bug him one bit to put her on the house. So why doesn't he want to do it?

This. I think the son is BVU and the GF is NBU at all.

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