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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my cousins girlfriend is being a bit grabby

160 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 18/07/2014 17:15

My aunt is pretty wealthy and has offered to by my cousin a house (worth approx 250k) for his 30th birthday, provided he pays the stamp duty etc himself.

Cousin has been with his long term girlfriend for about 6 years but they aren't married and don't have children(unsure whether it's on the cards) and my aunt is buying the house for my cousin (in cash, no mortgage) on the condition that is is in his name only . Cousin and girlfriend currently live together and split rent and bills and the plan is for them both to move into the new house and just split bills (as there will be no rent/mortgage). Cousins gf has thrown a bit of a paddy that she's "not allowed" to be on the deeds of the house, now I can see that she wants some security but AIBU to think it's a bit grabby to want half of it? She's argued that technically cousin hasn't "contributed" either and that as his long term partner she should share in his windfall - she thinks my aunt IBVU. (My aunt does understand that if they marry then the girlfriend will be entitled to half and she's fine with this, just doesn't want to hand over half to a "partner").

On the other hand I can sort of see girlfriend's side so I suggested to my cousin that they both save up and jointly buy a buy to let which will give her some security, since they are now both benefitting from being rent free!

OP posts:
diddl · 18/07/2014 18:13

How secure is she now?

She could at least this way be saving the rent she is currently spending for if the relationship end!

Optimist1 · 18/07/2014 18:13

Aunt can do what she wishes with her ££s. Son should not go behind her back and his girlfriend to the deeds, because his mother has explicitly said that this was not to be the case until/unless they married. No-one would think it unreasonable for him to draw up a will leaving the house to his partner in the event of his death, though. This would give her security in one way. If she saves all the rent she's not spending she would have quite a nest egg in the event that their relationship founders.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 18:14

er that's somewhat different because you don't live in money do you? Confused

Mintyy · 18/07/2014 18:16

But it puts her in a very insecure position if they split up! I don't think she is bu, actually.

annielouise · 18/07/2014 18:17

I think the relationship has to be separated out from what is an unusual situation. She might be miffed feeling sidelined but it is his aunt's money that she wants her son to benefit from. Who's to say they won't last the course and be happy together for life, or a significant period of time with children, either married or unmarried. But equally they might not. They might split in a year down the line or 5 years and to be honest if that happened I don't think she's entitled to half.

Personally I think they should have a chat and decide something like they split living costs equally or proportionally if she earns less, she builds up a deposit of her own and buys somewhere to rent out. That is her nest egg should anything happen to the relationship short term or if children aren't involved. Should they have children and marry I think they need to review it and at that stage both properties become equally theirs so half each.

I think both sides need to work towards an amicable arrangement which includes her not being greedy, or seeming to be greedy, plus he needs to consider things from her angle should they marry and have children. The relationship if it's important should be looked after so they really need to find a compromise. I'd be delighted to live rent free and think she's lucky.

QuintessentiallyQS · 18/07/2014 18:19

... and now you see why your aunt has taken the precaution she has regards to this woman....

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 18:20

why has noone said that the cousin is actually the grabbiest one here? He's putting his partner's wishes to one side to get his grubby hands on a house he hasn't had to work for.

As others have said when offered similar they declined as a couple.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 18:21

yeah and if I was the girlfriend I know the precaution I'd be taking right now.

phantomnamechanger · 18/07/2014 18:22

given the update about the marriage offer from him and refusal by her, I think the aunt is absolutely right to be so cautious. They obviously want different things. If he sees his future as married and she does not, how long will they last? Maybe he is worried that she feels he is not "the one" and will be off like a shot when "mr right" shows up?

on the one hand, if it were me and I felt we were a committed LTR, I would be wanting DP to row with his mum about how important a part of his life I was and insist on me being on the deeds in case of something happening to him [aside - do either of them have wills yet?] but on the other hand, had I refused his proposal, I could clearly see why he would be cautious about our future!

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 18/07/2014 18:23

I would not be delighted to live there rent free, in fact I would feel vulnerable. If they were to argue there's the possibility he could throw her out.

annielouise · 18/07/2014 18:23

She's in no more an insecure position if they split up than now. In fact even if they split up in one month's time after buying the place she'll have saved her share of any rent. Multiple that by 12 months for each year she'll still be better off living rent free with him than paying rent with him.

And if they do split up soon or a year down the line why is it his responsibility to look after her? She's young, able to work presumably so why should he hand her £125k? I'm with the aunt on this one although kids/marriage changes the situation.

ExcuseTypos · 18/07/2014 18:24

I agree if she refused to marry him, why should she be put on the deeds of a gift?

Iownafourinchporsche · 18/07/2014 18:25

The difference is cousin is related and girlfriend isn't. She can save a deposit and put it down on her own house (to rent), while cousin saves for his own stamp duty etc

Iownafourinchporsche · 18/07/2014 18:26

It's different when they have kids/are married

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 18/07/2014 18:26

all I can say is I bet she bloody marries him now Grin

OP posts:
annielouise · 18/07/2014 18:27

but Chicken she could save loads of money per month securing her position if they did split up. Say their rent is £600-1000 per month and they pay half each she'd save £300-500 a month so £3600-6000 over the year. How does that make her vulnerable? Yes, she'd have to then go and find somewhere else to rent but if you've got that money behind you what the problem? Also if they stay in rented and they split up one of them will need to leave as it wouldn't be comfortable - that might be him or it might be her.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 18/07/2014 18:27

Oh I absolutely don't think the aunt should put the girlfriend on the deeds. But after 6 years with someone I don't think I could live in their house and feel secure.

seaweed123 · 18/07/2014 18:27

I think the aunt is BU to treat the girlfriend differently than she would if they were married. Given that they have been together 6 years, I'm assuming that they consider themselves fully committed to each other, but don't feel the need to marry for whatever reason.

In the cousin's position, I wouldn't accept the house. I believe that if you give a gift, you should do so unconditionally. It should be his choice whether she goes on the deeds.

My inlaws treat me differently to my bil's gf, even though they are equally committed, and it makes me very uncomfortable.

phantomnamechanger · 18/07/2014 18:29

holly, if he were to propose again, and she accepted this time, that would be the time for HIM to change his mind as it would be very suspicious!

annielouise · 18/07/2014 18:29

The thing is the relationship is either rock solid or it isn't. If it is and she loves him and trusts him and knows him not to be a complete shit then presumably even if they split up he won't boot her out the door that day. If it's not rock solid then she needs to move on. She's being handed a cake but she wants the icing too.

OnlyLovers · 18/07/2014 18:29

'If he sees his future as married and she does not, how long will they last?'

My DP asked me to marry him once. I said no, because marriage has no meaning for me personally and I'm not keen on it in principle.

But guess what? I intend and hope that we are together for ever. We've already been together for the best part of twenty years.

I'm not enjoying the attitudes on this thread that somehow a non-married couple are less secure or likely to last than a married one.

Original poster
HollyGuacamolly · 18/07/2014 18:30

I vote he proposes again and her reaction dictates the future of the relationship.

OP posts:
InSummer · 18/07/2014 18:32

I think the gf is being a bit cheeky.

If I was her I 'd say you pay the insurance etc as it's your property, I'll contribute towards utility bills.

Presumably she'd have a lot of savings for a rainy day if she's not paying rent or mortgage.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 18:32

in one way if she now said yes then that would be grabby!

needaholidaynow · 18/07/2014 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.