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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my cousins girlfriend is being a bit grabby

160 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 18/07/2014 17:15

My aunt is pretty wealthy and has offered to by my cousin a house (worth approx 250k) for his 30th birthday, provided he pays the stamp duty etc himself.

Cousin has been with his long term girlfriend for about 6 years but they aren't married and don't have children(unsure whether it's on the cards) and my aunt is buying the house for my cousin (in cash, no mortgage) on the condition that is is in his name only . Cousin and girlfriend currently live together and split rent and bills and the plan is for them both to move into the new house and just split bills (as there will be no rent/mortgage). Cousins gf has thrown a bit of a paddy that she's "not allowed" to be on the deeds of the house, now I can see that she wants some security but AIBU to think it's a bit grabby to want half of it? She's argued that technically cousin hasn't "contributed" either and that as his long term partner she should share in his windfall - she thinks my aunt IBVU. (My aunt does understand that if they marry then the girlfriend will be entitled to half and she's fine with this, just doesn't want to hand over half to a "partner").

On the other hand I can sort of see girlfriend's side so I suggested to my cousin that they both save up and jointly buy a buy to let which will give her some security, since they are now both benefitting from being rent free!

OP posts:
phantomnamechanger · 18/07/2014 18:32

well, I am pleased for you onlylovers, your DP was obv very sure and secure, no problem there. but the chap can be forgiven for questioning where he stands surely especially nnow she is kicking up a fuss like a spoilt madam about not being entitled to half his gift from his mum.

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 18/07/2014 18:33

I think it's a balance of power thing. If they spilt after a year she's saved her 5k or whatever, he's got his house and could be then moving his new girlfriend in. I think I would be walking on egg shells the whole time. DH and I both entered our relationship with zero and it's just seems simpler.

PassTheAnswers · 18/07/2014 18:36

Agree with the aunt on this one.

We were in a similar situation with my mum (I'm an only child). Had been with dh for years and planning on getting married, which we since have. She gave me a 6 figure deposit to help buy our house which was extremely generous. She quite rightly in my opinion wanted to protect her daughter's inheritance. she had nothing against dh at all and views him as her son. We ended up making a legal agreement, which dh agreed with and signed, that the £ was mine if we sold/ split/reverted to her if I died. It's since been updated to go to ds if I die.

Dh didn't take it as a slight at all as knew it wasn't meant that way. He now pays a greater share of the mortgage so eventually we'll own 50/50. But in the meantime i own more of the house than he does. Our wills reflect that as does our status as either owners in common/joint owners (can never remember which)

annielouise · 18/07/2014 18:37

I see what you mean Chicken with the equal footing but it's such a great opportunity. If they're in it for the long haul then it's such a great opportunity for him and for her - no rent, no mortgage. How fantastic would that be? She needs to decide whether she sees a future with him, and he with her. I think might first suggestion was the best - let her save her deposit up get a buy to let as a nest egg if it falls apart short term but if they have kids both properties go into both names.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 18:37

I agree chicken. a few items of dodgy second hand furniture and some knackered pans I'd had at uni. It makes for an easier life.

a couple my parents know strongly contributed to the splitting up of their dd and her dh with their 'generous' gifts.

Money causes problems as many times as it solves them.

annielouise · 18/07/2014 18:38

From her point of view she doesn't think he trusts her. But from his point of view she could walk anytime and get half the money. Tricky.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 18:39

its only a good opportunity if you are grabby and don't prioritise standing on your own two feet imo.

QuintessentiallyQS · 18/07/2014 18:46

"I vote he proposes again and her reaction dictates the future of the relationship." Hmm

Only, this time she will yes because there is £125k in it for her!

MyFairyKing · 18/07/2014 18:54

It's all very well arguing that many non-married couples and more secure than married couples but this is about this particular couple. Perhaps the relationship is on rocky grounds, who knows?!

SilverShadows · 18/07/2014 18:54

Some friends of mine had this, admittedly with a shorter relationship, and a lower cost house. She lived in his property rent free as bought by his parents.

7 years on they are married, and have just upsized using the money she saved not paying rent. The new house is in joint names (I assume 50/50 but don't know).

Trickydecision · 18/07/2014 18:57

Tell your cousin to LTfemaleB.

Embolio · 18/07/2014 18:58

I'm in a similar position to passtheanswers ^. My mum gave us a large sum as the deposit for our house. We got it sorted legally so that that sum is always mine should we separate.

I think the girlfriend is being a bit grabby , it's the mothers perogative to want to protect her sons 'inheritance'. I would have thought they could sort it out between themselves if the relationship is a good one - he could quietly add her to the deeds at some point if that's what he wants to do. Not v classy of her to involve wider family.

Vivacia · 18/07/2014 18:59

I feel a bit sorry for this woman. Her partner's cousin knows about their financial situation (and is discussing it on MN!). This kind of thing is why I am so financially independent, to the point of silliness.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 19:05

I think the cousins gf should ltb. But then I'm not grabby and would expect my boyfriend to say no.

If she wants to protect his insurance then maybe she should leave it for then. Of course if she does then the taxman will take 40 percent. This is the real reason for her 'generosity'.

I ask again who is the grabby one here?

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 19:06

inheritance

ChickenFajitaAndNachos · 18/07/2014 19:08

What's ltb?

QuintessentiallyQS · 18/07/2014 19:13

Let us tomato bacon

charleybarley · 18/07/2014 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Balaboosta · 18/07/2014 19:16

This is a bit of a mess and the aunt is making it messier. Without being married, and without her name on the deeds, gf has no security, nor is she working towards a long-term asset. So no, she's not being exactly grabby. She's looking after her interests, which would not be well served under such an arrangement. But the solidity of this relationship is under question due to the refusal of the marriage proposal. I don't think this is heading anywhere good. I would be asking what the aunt is playing at, her offer is destabilising their relationship.

tobysmum77 · 18/07/2014 19:16

lose the ba5tard.

You see I think the aunt is a tax dodger and her son sounds very grabby.

QuintessentiallyQS · 18/07/2014 19:16

Why is the son grabby?

SaucyJack · 18/07/2014 19:19

Agree she sounds like a grabby little madam. She didn't want to make a legal commitment to him when he was skint, so it's a bit rich to be wanting him to be making a legal commitment to their relationship now it suits her.

FraidyCat · 18/07/2014 19:19

If I were in the GF position I wouldn't accept a gift of half of 250K from anyone who wasn't my family , even if I were married. I would accept living rent-free with my partner, and think I was lucky to have that. And in fact I would treat the free accommodation as a contribution by my partner to the relationship, and feel that I should pay more than half of the rest of the bills.

Looking at it from the other side, I may well be in a position to buy DD a home when she's in her 20's. If there were a way to do so legally, I'd want to make sure that she kept 100% of that gift, even after a long-term marriage.

Vivacia · 18/07/2014 19:22

We haven't a clue why this woman didn't want to get married.

For me this isn't about money so much as privacy, obligation and choice. (To be honest £250k is more than I can comprehend!).

Topaz25 · 18/07/2014 19:55

I know it's your aunt's money to do whatever she wants with but I question the motivation for this gift. It seems bound to cause tension. Your cousin and his girlfriend have been together for a long time and it seems like his mother is not taking that relationship seriously and accepting his girlfriend as part of the family. Maybe his girlfriend didn't want to get married because she knew his mother would try and control that too! I can understand his girlfriend wanting a stake in the home she will be living in with him, presumably helping with decorating, maintenance etc. Otherwise it seems like she would be in an unstable position.