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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my cousins girlfriend is being a bit grabby

160 replies

HollyGuacamolly · 18/07/2014 17:15

My aunt is pretty wealthy and has offered to by my cousin a house (worth approx 250k) for his 30th birthday, provided he pays the stamp duty etc himself.

Cousin has been with his long term girlfriend for about 6 years but they aren't married and don't have children(unsure whether it's on the cards) and my aunt is buying the house for my cousin (in cash, no mortgage) on the condition that is is in his name only . Cousin and girlfriend currently live together and split rent and bills and the plan is for them both to move into the new house and just split bills (as there will be no rent/mortgage). Cousins gf has thrown a bit of a paddy that she's "not allowed" to be on the deeds of the house, now I can see that she wants some security but AIBU to think it's a bit grabby to want half of it? She's argued that technically cousin hasn't "contributed" either and that as his long term partner she should share in his windfall - she thinks my aunt IBVU. (My aunt does understand that if they marry then the girlfriend will be entitled to half and she's fine with this, just doesn't want to hand over half to a "partner").

On the other hand I can sort of see girlfriend's side so I suggested to my cousin that they both save up and jointly buy a buy to let which will give her some security, since they are now both benefitting from being rent free!

OP posts:
Sister77 · 19/07/2014 11:51

Tell your aunt to buy it and keep it in her name.

ChelsyHandy · 19/07/2014 12:25

YANBU. She is being grabby, and golddigging.

But theres no reasoning with some people, as they seem to justify it in their own minds (often backed up by an equally grabby family upbringing) that spending time with someone entitles them financially.

I was hearing about this from an acquaintance last night. His brother had moved in with a woman who had her own house. Apparently the "biatch" had not "even" put him on the title deeds, despite them being together 5 years, and him paying rent to her, and "contributed" to the food shopping.

Meanwhile I was hearing about a man who had probably received subsidised accommodation and board for 5 years, and never got his own foot on the property ladder.

gotitright · 19/07/2014 12:34

whoops,

first hand experience of a similar situation.
I brought a house for my ds-no mortgage etc-.

guess what?
I know it's a little different, but an ex gf came out of the woodwork and attempted a coup, luckily I had put it in a trust, so she couldn't get her grubby hands on it.

you never know what's around that proverbial corner,
protect yourself.

house in trust, end of.
best thing, is for gf to buy her own buy-to-let, as she won't be paying rent etc.
then it's clear cut.

angeltulips · 19/07/2014 12:41

Hmmm

If he has proposed, she's said no and they're still together, presumably that's because she doesn't want to be married but sees him as her life partner. In which case yes I think the aunt is being rude and judgemental. Maybe they are planning to have a child (yes OUT OF WEDLOCK) in the not-too-distant future?

As others have said though, the answer is for the Dp to just quietly add her once the gift has been made. Nowt the aunt can do about it.

BolshierAyraStark · 19/07/2014 12:42

I think she is BU though I do sort of see why & gifts with conditions are just a bit shit really.

FraidyCat · 19/07/2014 13:00

In which case yes I think the aunt is being rude and judgemental.

Why is it wrong to give money to your child without giving the same amount to their partner? I don't think it's clear the partner would automatically and immediately benefit from the gift if they were married, it's just that marriage would (unfortunately with the passage of time) unavoidably override what the Aunt would prefer, which is to make a gift to her son.

bigdog888 · 19/07/2014 14:09

I brought a house for my ds

Where did you bring it from?

FriendlyAmoeba · 19/07/2014 14:26

I agree with PPs. This is a matter to be settled privately between him and her.

If he wants her on the house, he can add her name next to his once he owns the house. As it is, I get the sneaky feeling he's just using your aunt as an excuse not to add her. Otherwise there would be no argument it would be a "Don't worry, we'll add it later", and it never would have reached aunt's ears.

QuintessentiallyQS · 19/07/2014 15:08

If she really loved him, and were committed, she would not really care one bit.

But going into it thinking either, "hey, I am his partner, I should immediately be given half" or "Hey, I will be disadvantaged when our relationship ends", is the completely wrong outlook, and tell him all he needs to know!

She does not want to marry him, but she DOES feel entitled to half the house his mum is buying him.

OnlyLovers · 19/07/2014 15:59

phantom, I don't think she's being spoilt but just wanting to be seen as a proper partner.

No, we don't know how secure their relationship is; we can only go on what we're told on the thread.

Essentially I think the aunt is commenting on their non-married status. And I don't like that.

fedupbutfine · 19/07/2014 16:14

It's your aunts money she can do with as she sees fit. They not married. If they get married she get half.

No. There is no automatic right to half of everything upon marriage. It doesn't work like that.

I don't think the girlfriend is wrong at all. She's been with the man for 6 years and the comment someone made about 'girlfriends come and go' is just rude, isn't it? Plenty of people are together years without marrying, far longer than many marriages last. If she'd been married to him for a few years, no one would query this. So why is it such a big issue because they're not? Does it make their commitment any less significant or important?

ShineSmile · 19/07/2014 17:22

She is being VU. She should use the current rent money she is paying to get her own buy to let house.

FriendlyAmoeba · 19/07/2014 17:33

But going into it thinking either, "hey, I am his partner, I should immediately be given half" or "Hey, I will be disadvantaged when our relationship ends", is the completely wrong outlook, and tell him all he needs to know!

It works both ways.

Not wanting to put her on the house tells her all she wants to know as well. If it were a healthy relationship, and he really loved her, it would not bug him one bit to put her on the house. So why doesn't he want to do it?

It's not about his aunt. His aunt has zero say in whether her name is on the house once it's given away. It's about his attitude and why he isn't sticking up for her or quietly telling her she'll be put on the house later.

Neither are really in the wrong. If it's not going to work out, this house may just be the catalyst to the end of what was already a dying relationship.

PiperRose · 19/07/2014 17:36

So the only reason that she's being grabby is the absence of a piece of paper and a day that judging by all the wedding threads on here just causes a huge amount of trouble? The aunt is of course personally entitled to attach as many strings as she wants, but it's a long-term relationship, I would want to be on the deeds and if it wasn't going to happen I'd be moving into my own place.

GloriousGoosebumps · 19/07/2014 18:45

I think the girlfriend is being extraordinarily grabby in expecting anyone to give her £125k. The house is an advance of the son’s eventual inheritance and the girlfriend will, in time, inherit from her own parents. The girlfriend can now use the money she was paying in rent to purchase a property of her own.

Interestingly, Cherie and Tony Blair brought their son Euan a house worth £3.6m which wasn’t put in the names of Euan and his wife Susanne but instead the house is owned jointly by Cherie and Euan. Now that is a slap in the face for Susanne and in Susanne’s shoes I would have refused to live in the property. It feels (to me) as though the Blairs must believe that Susanne was likely to run off with half the value of the property. As it is, Susanne can now only claim a share of Euan’s 1/2 of the property i.e. 1/4. £3.6m is a large sum of money but I’m not sure that this arrangement re the ownership of the marital home is a good start to the wife/in-law relationship! I’d love to have been a fly on the wall when the gift of the house was mooted!

PiperRose · 19/07/2014 20:24

So the only thing that's seperating her from Euan Blair's wife is a marriage certificate?

QuintessentiallyQS · 19/07/2014 21:15

"Not wanting to put her on the house tells her all she wants to know as well. If it were a healthy relationship, and he really loved her, it would not bug him one bit to put her on the house. So why doesn't he want to do it?"

Maybe because it is not yet his house?

If there is a situation where he is offered a house on the condition it is his only, or no house, surely it is better for them as a couple that he gets the house, which will allow them both to save up? Practically speaking it does not matter whose name the house is in, if they are both going to live there together!

Iflyaway · 19/07/2014 21:34

Thank god I live in a country where you can draw up a prenup!

If I was lucky to have an aunt to buy me a house I would be glad that would always be my and my children,s home, rather than having to sell it to give a partner half share even if they ran off with ow/om

Meid · 19/07/2014 21:52

If I were the girlfriend I would be very unhappy at going from being financially equal to my partner to living in the house that he owns.

I would find a way forward, though, that didn't make me look grabby or ungrateful that I had the opportunity to live in this property.

I would look at ways of ensuring ongoing financial security for myself, possibly an investment property as others have suggested.

oldandcrabby · 19/07/2014 23:16

I have just lent my son some money to secure a London house. Not a vast amount but I made it conditional on he and his gf going to a lawyer to clarify who had contributed what to the purchase.
I am waiting to be flamed but my father was disinherited by his mother and my brother was divorced by a grabby wife. I have two sons and the other one is renting and will not be able to buy until I pop my clogs:that is if care home fees do not eat up all the money.
My sympathies are with the aunt and his son

Nousernameforme · 19/07/2014 23:52

I haven't RTFT sorry if I'm repeating people here.
I think the aunt has made her feelings about the relationship completely clear here. The girlfriend can no longer marry her partner as if she ever accepts his proposal it will always be thought by some to be because of the house.
I'm not married and perhaps that colours my judgement here however I have been with my partner for 14 years if after 6 years someone had said here's £250k I would of paid of all our debts and split the difference if it was a house I wouldn't accept it if a condition was to leave my partner off the deeds.
This is just a way for your aunt to squeeze a wedge in their relationship if I was the gf I would leave and not look back if that's what sort of mil you will be looking at

slithytove · 19/07/2014 23:57

I have a question, don't want to start a new thread

My mum owns a house as in she bought it, and has an informal agreement that is belongs to her.

But it's in my sisters name.

Sister has just moved her bf in. As far as I'm aware, neither of them pay rent.

Could the bf one day have a claim on this house? Kids aren't likely to be a factor for some years.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne · 20/07/2014 00:14

Maybe she's annoyed because now she feels he'll want to live in this house and their dream of them saving and buying a house they both have equal shares in has gone down the drain.
I wouldn't want to live in it, it would make me feel very awkward.

OnlyLovers · 20/07/2014 14:46

'The girlfriend can no longer marry her partner as if she ever accepts his proposal it will always be thought by some to be because of the house.'

I agree. She's been put in an untenable position.

MissDuke · 20/07/2014 17:58

My in-laws did something similar. The offered us the use of a house, rent free, for when we got married (they inherited it). We lived there for nearly two years in the end. We had dd, and the house was small and 30 mins from my parents, who minded dd, and I then had to drive back to near the house for work - so a 5 minute commute became an hours commute each way. Also it was in the city, and dh and I were both used to the suburbs. The in-laws actually lived a good 40 mins from the house.

The in-laws were keen for us to stay there, so when they heard we were house hunting near to my parents, they offered us the house we were in, however their names would remain on the deeds, so there would be 4 equal owners - but they were saying it would really be ours. However this would obviously mean we couldn't sell it, and we knew it was too small to last us long. The big issue was, there was a catholic school beside it and they kept saying they wanted dd to attend it - yet I am not catholic, neither are our dc. Long back story to that, involving them threatening to not attend our wedding unless it was in a catholic church etc....

It was just so controlling, we couldn't agree to it - so we declined. Was a very hard thing to do, but I honestly don't regret it at all, neither does dh.

I think your cousin also has to decide if this offer is worth taking.